The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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I bet Rick Astley struggles with Lent.

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And the best car of 2021 as voted for by readers of Woman magazine is...

A blue one.

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Why doesn't Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he is married.

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If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade.

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I’ve just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman.

He was wearing a cat flap.

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How do you find out how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weight now.

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I got a universal remote control, and I thought to myself "This changes everything."

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I've just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon though I expect it'll come back to bite me.

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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

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The guy that invented the throat lozenge was buried today, there was no coffin at the funeral.

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I was driving on the motorway yesterday in a hearse.

Police pulled me over for undertaking.

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I've just saw a French footballer playing on a Nintendo.

It was Thierry on Wii.

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THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy.

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If you've never tried blind darts then you don't know what you're missing.

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I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician...

Oh, and a Czech one too.

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It's Motown weather out there.

Three degrees.

Four, tops.

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My doctor obviously likes my new trainers.

I overheard him say I have serious healthy shoes.

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I went to the zoo today and there was a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

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The seven dwarves went into a pub, and the barmen said, "Get out, we don't serve miners."

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I met a Transvestite the other night from Greater Manchester...

He had a Wigan address..

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An Englishman, a Scot, an Irishman, a Frenchman, a Finn, a Swede, a Belgian, a German, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Russian, a kiwi, a Greek, a Mexican , an Egyptian, an Argentinean,a Uruguayan and a Brazilian all went to a nightclub.

The doorman said "sorry, can't let you in without a Thai.

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The secret to a great Hawaiian pizza is to cook it at aloha temperature.

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If you don't like musical puns, you have my symphon

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Have you been hit with a rhythm stick ?

You may be entitled to personal Ian Dury Claim

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Charles Dickens's ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’ was first serialised in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester Times; it was The Worcester Times.

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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

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What did the drummer call his twin girls?

Anna one, Anna two

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A viola player decides that he's had enough of being a viola player--unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments.

He goes into a shop, and says, "I want to buy a violin."

The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, "You must be a viola player."

The viola player is astonished, and says, "Well, yes, I am. But how did you know?"

"Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop."

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There's nothing funny about syphilis.

Well, unless your doctor has a lisp, then it's bloody hilarious

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My old Grandad always used to say "the grass is always greener on the other side".

Lovely bloke, awful at laying turf.