The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight · 28-02-2022 10:07PM

"When Bagpuss went to sleep, all of his friends went to sleep".

Grim day at the vets.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-02-2022 10:10PM

The wedding was so emotional, even the cake was in tiers.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-02-2022 10:10PM

I watched a documentary about how ships are put together.

It was riveting.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-02-2022 10:25PM

What's the difference between Patsy Kensit and Walt Disney?

Patsy Kensit and Walt Disney.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-02-2022 10:28PM

I bought a tin of dog food for 85c. That's €5.95 in dog money.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-02-2022 10:43PM

I used to play triangle in a reggae band, but I left because it was just one ting after another

New Home · 28-02-2022 11:04PM

^^^

This is what happens when Capt'n Midnight buys Christmas Crackers in bulk in the February sales.

fryup · 28-02-2022 11:19PM

no its when he gets a Tim Vine dvd for his birthday 😑

Capt'n Midnight · 28-02-2022 11:21PM

I'll do algebra, I'll do trig I'll even do statistics.

...but graphing is where I draw the line.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-02-2022 11:21PM

An ancient Greek walks into a tailor's shop,

the tailor says "Euripides?"

"Yes, eumenides?" the ancient Greek said back.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-02-2022 11:21PM

You can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely.

Capt'n Midnight · 28-02-2022 11:36PM

Sent an order off to Amazon to buy 4 kindles.

They sent me a Two Ronnies dvd.

Heighway61 · 01-03-2022 06:03PM

There are some Russian soldiers marching towards Kyiv.

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,

“I bet 1 Ukrainian can beat 100 Russians!”

The sergeant, getting more annoyed now, decided to send some of his men over, to finish this Ukrainian off.

After a while of noise and bangs, no Russian soldiers came back, and the voice shouted again,

“I bet 1 Ukrainian can beat 1000 Russians!”

The sergeant, thinking that 1 soldier could not possibly beat 1000, sent his troops over.

Again, there was lots of noise, but then, silence.

1 Russian soldier returned this time, bloody and bruised, barely walking. The soldier said:

“Don’t send any more over; there’s 2 of them.”

FraserburghFreddie · 01-03-2022 11:32PM

Passport control at the airport..

-nationality?

-Russian.

-occupation?

-no,no,just visiting.

Capt'n Midnight · 02-03-2022 12:43AM

Breaking news, the Russian government have advised it's citizens not to start any new box sets on Netflix, Amazon or the iPlayer.

Capt'n Midnight · 02-03-2022 12:44AM

My mate just won millions on the Russian lottery.

He's just gone out to buy a loaf of bread with his winnings

Capt'n Midnight · 02-03-2022 11:45PM

Ryanair drops mask-wearing on planes.

For £5 you don't have to wear a mask

Capt'n Midnight · 02-03-2022 11:46PM

For Lent I'm giving up misappropriated pagan rituals.

M.T. Cranium · 03-03-2022 03:05AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118682664#Comment_118682664

I find they are always on their cell phones. So I usually split.

M.T. Cranium · 03-03-2022 03:44AM

Why did the Pharoahs build pyramids that could be seen from their river boats?

They were always in denial.

===========================

When the first pyramid was built, the Pharoah had a look at the design, and asked, "what's the point?"

"My lord, it is the thing at the top."

===========================

What was it like before the invention of the wheel?

It was a bit of a bumpy ride.

===========================

Why did the ancient Greeks not have zero as a number?

They didn't know nothing.

fryup · 05-03-2022 12:16AM

*****NEWSFLASH*******

Members of the Irish Secret Service were parachuted into Russia this week with orders to take out Vladimir Putin ......

So far.... news reports say …… he's been to the cinema twice...... and tonight they went Ten Pin Bowling.....!!

iptba · 05-03-2022 03:18AM

An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicide and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide

He approached her.

She: "Dont come near me!!"

Old man :" Since you are anyway going to die,why cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?"

She shrieked "Over my dead body,you filthy pervert"

Old man "Ok,if thats the case, I will walk down and wait for you at the bottom" and then he walked away.

The woman stood for another 10 minutes and came back to her car and left.

The old man who was watching her from the bushes sighed "7 suicide attempt saved this month".

FraserburghFreddie · 05-03-2022 12:14PM

Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt...

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful..

Fallout2022 · 05-03-2022 02:49PM

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

iptba · 06-03-2022 03:42AM

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror...

I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."

iptba · 07-03-2022 03:39AM

I'm in big trouble with my wife. We were in bed and she asked, what I'd like to do most with her body?

Apparently, "Identify it." wasn't the right answer!!

everlast75 · 07-03-2022 10:36AM

I just mixed up the words jacuzzi with yakuza.

Now I'm in trouble with the Japanese mafia!

Capt'n Midnight · 07-03-2022 09:11PM

Old) Russian joke.

Moscow man buys newspaper, glances at front page, throws it straight out. Next day and day after, same. Eventually, seller snaps:

‘Why DO you do that?’

‘I’m just checking for an obituary.’

‘But obituaries aren’t on the front page.’

‘The one I’m looking for will be.

Capt'n Midnight · 07-03-2022 09:12PM

magicbastarder · 07-03-2022 09:59PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118747645#Comment_118747645

Isn't there one which is along the lines of someone asking say putin, 'what are you doing at the weekend?'

'I'm going to a funeral'

'oh, who has died?'

'i haven't decided yet'

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Comments

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror...

I'm in big trouble with my wife. We were in bed and she asked, what I'd like to do most with her body?