Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

midlandsmissus · 15-04-2017 10:04am

This is a slap in the face for alcoholics.
To see how the affect their families.
Sad post.
Well done OP

mockingjay · 15-04-2017 10:12am

Raging_Ninja wrote: »

Are they his friends, or his drinking buddies?

Funny:) I'm always saying they're only his drinking buddies! I honestly thought when I put up the question that loads of women would say yes, I didn't mean it as an insult to women, I know Boards, so it wasn't meant for Personal Issues.

Just to address a few issues that have come up, yes, some of it was hard to read, but definitely food for thought, so need to have a good think and thank you. Yes I have spoken to him before, but he doesn't see the problem because he only drinks on Fri/Sat night. My husband does work hard, but remember as I said earlier, I don't like to go out on Friday nights because I'm usually exhausted by that stage, I like to go to the matches with the kids which are on early and require driving - so drinking Friday night is out of the question - I simply couldn't do it, but I would love some company to watch a movie or something - that's why last night was so nice, I knew he wouldn't be going out, so that apprehension was not there all day. By Saturday night I'm usually tired too from running around, doing uniforms etc... If I ever ask to go out for a meal he would have no problem obliging... but then I go home and he goes to the pub! I wouldn't want to sit around in a pub all night, it would impact on my Sunday - I need the sleep in hangover free.

15-04-2017 10:28am

__Alex__ wrote: »

But it might well be the situation for some women in Ireland, as unpalatable as it might seem!

The fact is there are plenty of families where the wife has no option but to do most of the looking after of kids due to work commitments of the husband. Being from a rural area I know plenty working full time jobs and running a farm so throw in a few pints to try unwind and you are lucky to be home to see the kids before bed during the week and maybe get a reasonable amount of time on a Sunday. Same where there is a lot of work travel with a job and the husband is away a lot.

eviltwin · 15-04-2017 10:40am

mockingjay wrote: »

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

Barely noticed the pubs weren't open. Neither myself or my husband are big drinkers and we would rarely get drunk to the point we need a day to recover. I have kids too so that's part of it but it's an age thing too. I don't understand the desire to drink to the point you know you're going to be dying the next day. How is that fun? Anyway you need to put your foot down and stop being a doormat. Where is your downtime? Will he be going out tonight to get ****faced?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 15-04-2017 10:46am

Not my husband but pubs closed on a Friday doesn't make much difference to us as we never go out on Fridays

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 15-04-2017 10:51am

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

If the grandparents etc are local then that might allow both our at the same time but probably the best compromise is one has their session on the Friday night and the other on the Saturday night and the one who wasn't out can look after the kids in the morning so the other can sleep/recover.

I don't know about you but you put your families needs before getting wrote off every week. Drawing up a roster and pawning the kids off on the grandparents so they can both have their turn sitting in a pub? Come on now. Husband in the OP needs to put on his big boy pants and deal with his real life responsibilities

Dr Crayfish · 15-04-2017 11:03am

I don't think going to the pub once a week or whatever is the end of the world. My dad often did on Fridays after work and he was and still is a great father. Are people on boards really so perfect? The judgment on these threads when it comes to relationships just seems to be more and more ridiculous. You'd swear this was an American Christian website or something.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 15-04-2017 11:08am

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I don't think going to the pub once a week or whatever is the end of the world. My dad often did on Fridays after work and he was and still is a great father. Are people on boards really so perfect? The judgment on these threads when it comes to relationships just seems to be more and more ridiculous. You'd swear this was an American Christian website or something.

Nothing at all wrong with going for a few drinks but if it's impacting on the time being spent with family AND it's bothering your wife then it's an issue. I don't think he sounds like an alcoholic, but if she's asking for a night in and he's constantly choosing to stay out get so drunk he's not allowed share her bed, and being in no fit state to help with the kids on Saturday well then it's an issue. Some wives wouldn't care, this wife does so there needs to be a compromise, IMO

One eyed Jack · 15-04-2017 11:15am

Malari wrote: »

Not you, the OP, I meant.

Generally when you start a thread (sorry, when ONE starts a thread, lest there be any confusion) with a question like in the subject line, you expect at least some people to agree with you; expect it to be somewhat common.

Not in After Hours I wouldn't, the inevitable stampede of high horses as people rush to judge, while it's hilarious at times, at other times, well it's just literally off-putting.

Malari wrote: »

As a previous poster said, maybe in the 70's, when women were expected by many in society to stay at home and mind the kids and men went to the pub after working all week! It's a bizarre question to put to wives in general in 2017!

It's really not, relationship dynamics and family lives like the OP are very common in my experience (other people's experiences may vary), and whatever year it is, isn't particularly relevant at all. I can think of plenty of relationships that function somewhat similar to the OP, and I don't immediately suggest there might be anything up with that because I don't think the OP meant for the thread to be taken so seriously!

weldoninhio · 15-04-2017 11:19am

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Nothing at all wrong with going for a few drinks but if it's impacting on the time being spent with family AND it's bothering your wife then it's an issue. I don't think he sounds like an alcoholic, but if she's asking for a night in and he's constantly choosing to stay out get so drunk he's not allowed share her bed, and being in no fit state to help with the kids on Saturday well then it's an issue. Some wives wouldn't care, this wife does so there needs to be a compromise, IMO

Exactly, I'm one of the only single guys in my group of friends. Most have kids now too. We get together as a group maybe three time a year now and I completely understand that their families come first. I wouldn't dream of putting pressure on them to come out. And these are lads who all have high stress, long hour jobs, some are travelling between Dublin and Belfast/London a few times a week and working 10-12 hour days.

They look forward to the weekends to get some downtime with their wives and kids.

Dr Crayfish · 15-04-2017 11:20am

My parents also used to get a babysitter every couple of weeks and go to the pub. They always came back in great spirits (I wonder why) and I've nothing but fond memories of it. Do you two ever do anything together OP? From looking at some of my married friends, once kids come into the equation one or both of them never seem to want to do anything social at all. Maybe they're too tired I don't know but that can't be healthy either.

andekwarhola · 15-04-2017 11:23am

To be fair, the virulent moralizing would have been worse in Personal Issues

Sure it's easy enough to have a compromise without the extreme homilies (being hungover now and again is neglecting your kids. Er, right).

The guy is entitled to a pint now and again if he wants one but OP is also entitled to want some downtime and family time on her conditions.

Sure it's easy enough for adults to chart a compromise between the extremes.

MyStubbleItches · 15-04-2017 11:25am

Yes, an awful lot of perfect people in perfect relationships with a perfect family life on boards. It's amazing how quickly some people presume that going to the pub on a Friday night and waking up sick on a Saturday morning means that he gets 'slaughtered' and spends all day in bed recovering from it. Maybe that's their experience of their drinking and their hangovers. It's quite possible that he has his few pints and wakes up feeling crappy but shakes it off pretty quickly and has a productive day. Genuine tiredness could quite possibly be a big factor in a hangover after a week's work.

I'm absolutely not defending him if his family are suffering due to his Friday evening pub stints, just suggesting the picture might not be as gloomy as some on here would like to believe.

Specialun · 15-04-2017 11:25am

Hubby is going to be rightly pissed off with boards when he realises they fooked up his cushy gig

andekwarhola · 15-04-2017 11:28am

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

From looking at some of my married friends, once kids come into the equation one or both of them never seem to want to do anything social at all. Maybe they're too tired I don't know but that can't be healthy either.

To be fair, nobody really knows what an energy and time sink young kids are until they have them.

If you add the fact that (through coincidence or design) one person might end up doing more with them, I could see why one person might be exhausted or wanting rest.

As said, it's just about balancing the load so both people can have downtime whether together or separately.

mockingjay · 15-04-2017 11:39am

Specialun wrote: »

Hubby is going to be rightly pissed off with boards when he realises they fooked up his cushy gig

Ha ha! You said it...

Chuchote · 15-04-2017 11:42am

andekwarhola wrote: »

The guy is entitled to a pint now and again if he wants one

Absolutely, and there's nothing nicer than having a pint with your friends once in a while. But spending hours of both weekend nights in the pub every weekend, to the extent that you're hung over the next morning, isn't a pint every now and again.

This article quoted below is about women, but what the liver specialist says is a wake-up for men too:

http://www.irishtimes.com/news/health/sharp-rise-in-number-of-women-dying-from-alcohol-related-illness-1.2742383

(Liver specialist) Prof Frank Murray of Beaumont Hospital and president of Royal College of Physicians in Ireland has warned that Irish people are underestimating how much they drink and the harm it can cause.
Three Irish people die every day as a result of alcohol abuse. Previously these would have been mostly older men drinking heavily in pubs on a regular basis.
However in recent times there has been a huge increase in the number of women being admitted to hospital and dying from liver failure, Prof Murray says.
(snip)
"What happens is people buy wine and in some cases people drink half a bottle a night several times during the week and a bottle each day at the weekends. That's enough to cause liver failure."

R.D. aka MR.D · 15-04-2017 11:53am

I don't think that people who are pointing out that this man has a drinking problem are moralising.

Having a drinking problem is when your actions impact on your life. They are certainly having an impact on this wife.

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic and i can see the apprehension in her post. That feeling she is describing about not having to worry on good Friday. It's awful.

And before anybody wants to accuse me of being a bore or on some moral high horse, I drink plenty and at my leisure. However, my husband comes first and if I ever had kids you'd better believe I'd put them before wanting to enjoy a few pints. That's not about morals, it's about knowing what it's like to have a parent gone from your weekends because they put socialising and booze first.

15-04-2017 12:05pm

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I don't know about you but you put your families needs before getting wrote off every week. Drawing up a roster and pawning the kids off on the grandparents so they can both have their turn sitting in a pub? Come on now. Husband in the OP needs to put on his big boy pants and deal with his real life responsibilities

Not everyone is happy to give up on enjoying life when they have kids.

Malari · 15-04-2017 12:06pm

Yeah, fair enough. I didn't realise I was coming from such an unusual position of privilege to be in a relationship where we enjoy spending time in each other's company more than alone in the pub getting so wasted you are fit for nothing but nursing a hangover every Saturday.

I stand corrected.

15-04-2017 12:06pm

Is your husband Don Draper, by any chance?

Winterlong · 15-04-2017 12:06pm

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Not everyone is happy to give up on enjoying life when they have kids.

Exactly, but if you are going to be man enough to start a family you need to be man enough to be a father to that family.

One eyed Jack · 15-04-2017 12:09pm

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic and i can see the apprehension in her post.

Your experience is definitely colouring your perspective of other people's circumstances.

And before anybody wants to accuse me of being a bore or on some moral high horse, I drink plenty and at my leisure. However, my husband comes first and if I ever had kids you'd better believe I'd put them before wanting to enjoy a few pints. That's not about morals, it's about knowing what it's like to have a parent gone from your weekends because they put socialising and booze first.

I don't know enough about the OP's relationship or their family dynamic to put myself in a position where I was able to pass judgement on her husband or the OP. There was nothing in the opening post to my mind at least that suggested anything worth getting concerned about, other than the fact that the OP couldn't have predicted the way the threads gone.

Fighting Tao · 15-04-2017 12:10pm

I do think that the word 'alcoholic' is being used quite lightly in this thread. When I worked in Dublin City centre it was common for everyone in the office to go out most Fridays after work. It was the same when I was labouring On a building site. It didn't mean everyone was alcoholics. It just became habit. We moved office and there was no pub near by and so it all stopped. The only guy in the office that had a drinking problem never came out with everyone else. If I'm working with alcoholics now then they are doing a very good job of hiding it.

kylith · 15-04-2017 12:22pm

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Not everyone is happy to give up on enjoying life when they have kids.

You can enjoy life without getting hungover drunk every Friday night.

__Alex__ · 15-04-2017 12:23pm

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

The fact is there are plenty of families where the wife has no option but to do most of the looking after of kids due to work commitments of the husband. Being from a rural area I know plenty working full time jobs and running a farm so throw in a few pints to try unwind and you are lucky to be home to see the kids before bed during the week and maybe get a reasonable amount of time on a Sunday. Same where there is a lot of work travel with a job and the husband is away a lot.

If it's a choice between seeing your kids and going to the pub, I can't believe the latter would win out, especially as you can have some drinks at home once they are gone to bed. Priorities! It's just alcohol. There's a reason why parents get out so little, their priorities change.

Omackeral · 15-04-2017 12:24pm

Hope you enjoyed the Good Friday restriction OP cos it's likely gone next year. To hear you say coyly that you'd like some company to watch a movie is really so sad to me. He needs to know this. You sound lonely. Couple that with the fact that he automatically gets to go out every Friday and Saturday night on the lash is especially unfair when you yourself said you have to ask if you can go out for a Sunday meal and it all seems pretty unjust.

__Alex__ · 15-04-2017 12:27pm

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I don't think going to the pub once a week or whatever is the end of the world. My dad often did on Fridays after work and he was and still is a great father. Are people on boards really so perfect? The judgment on these threads when it comes to relationships just seems to be more and more ridiculous. You'd swear this was an American Christian website or something.

Ironically, this is one of the most hyperbolic posts in the thread!

R.D. aka MR.D · 15-04-2017 12:29pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Your experience is definitely colouring your perspective of other people's circumstances.

I don't know enough about the OP's relationship or their family dynamic to put myself in a position where I was able to pass judgement on her husband or the OP. There was nothing in the opening post to my mind at least that suggested anything worth getting concerned about, other than the fact that the OP couldn't have predicted the way the threads gone.

Yep, my experience adds to how I read the OP. Do you have much experience with people who have drinking problems? If not, maybe that's why you see nothing to be concerned about.

But you are right none of us know exactly what is going on. We both have an equal chance of being right.

Malari · 15-04-2017 12:30pm

Well it seems the OP's situation is more normal than I realised. So maybe I'm unusual that I would find her assumption that a lot of wives go through this a little insulting, that's all.

whatdoicare · 15-04-2017 12:33pm

Your husband is an asshat.

What he's doing and how he's treating you is not the norm and not how marriages work. I don't know why you're sticking with him if he makes you feel lonely and abused - isn't that the opposite of how being with someone is supposed to make you feel?

15-04-2017 12:34pm

mockingjay wrote: »

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

If this is a genuine account of your home life, then I'm so very sorry for you all. As a family, you all need help. YOU deserve better. It's up to you to make sure you and your children are treated better. Get help now, before your children are scarred for life.

One eyed Jack · 15-04-2017 12:49pm

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Yep, my experience adds to how I read the OP. Do you have much experience with people who have drinking problems? If not, maybe that's why you see nothing to be concerned about.

But you are right none of us know exactly what is going on. We both have an equal chance of being right.

It's precisely because of my experience with people with drink problems (including my own at one time), relationship problems and personal issues, a whole multitude of stuff really, all sorts of extremes, and all sorts of standards, that I don't see anything to be concerned about having read the opening post.

I don't think it's right at all to assume the OP is unhappy overall, or that her husband has a problem with drink or any of the rest of it. As threads go I thought it was a fairly harmless opening post and expected replies in the usual irreverent tone of AH, but I'm thinking now I don't need to go to mass in the morning, such is the smug moralising and judgement in just this thread alone. Irish society it appears hasn't changed at all, there are still plenty of people about only too willing and ready to pounce on those people who aren't living according to their standards.

eviltwin · 15-04-2017 12:53pm

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Not everyone is happy to give up on enjoying life when they have kids.

You don't have to. There is a middle ground.

The op says her husband goes out on Friday, is sick all Saturday but manages to rally himself to go out Saturday night ( how convenient ).When does he spend time with his wife and kids? When does his wife get a chance to enjoy her weekend?

Besides the utter selfishness of it there is the financial aspect. He must be spending some amount of money each week and his wife struggles to find the money for even the odd night out, where is the fairness in that ?

osarusan · 15-04-2017 12:59pm

Nothing wrong with going out on weekends. We both do. Not every weekend, but my wife and I will go out for late nights (on different nights) and the other will willingly look after the kids the next day so that they can get a few extra hours sleep. Nothing wrong with getting a good night out with friends. We didn't give up our social lives or anything like it. It's all reasonable and works out grand.

In fact, whatever the arrangements are, if both partners are genuinely happy with them, that's reasonable.

What is outlined in the OP isn't reasonable.

whatdoicare · 15-04-2017 1:05pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

It's precisely because of my experience with people with drink problems (including my own at one time), relationship problems and personal issues, a whole multitude of stuff really, all sorts of extremes, and all sorts of standards, that I don't see anything to be concerned about having read the opening post.

I don't think it's right at all to assume the OP is unhappy overall, or that her husband has a problem with drink or any of the rest of it. As threads go I thought it was a fairly harmless opening post and expected replies in the usual irreverent tone of AH, but I'm thinking now I don't need to go to mass in the morning, such is the smug moralising and judgement in just this thread alone. Irish society it appears hasn't changed at all, there are still plenty of people about only too willing and ready to pounce on those people who aren't living according to their standards.

What are you on about?? It's not normal for a man to go out drinking every Friday and Saturday night to the point where his wife is relieved that good Friday has come around so she doesn't have to worry about it for one night and he'll not be too hungover to spend time with his family.

She makes him sleep in another room the nights he goes out because he stinks of drink - that's not one or two in a pub, that's getting ****e faced.

She is unhappy - she said so. She works full time aswell as him, she doesn't get a night out and said she can't afford it anyway - as he's spent all their leisure money, on himself, getting drunk, every weekend.

She said he even goes so far that if he takes her out for a meal, when they're done he drops her home and then off out to the pub with him.

None of that is normal. How can you think that people saying that it is destructive is getting on their high horse?

15-04-2017 1:07pm

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Not everyone is happy to give up on enjoying life when they have kids.

And the only way to enjoy life is getting drunk on Fri and sat night?

R.D. aka MR.D · 15-04-2017 1:11pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

It's precisely because of my experience with people with drink problems (including my own at one time), relationship problems and personal issues, a whole multitude of stuff really, all sorts of extremes, and all sorts of standards, that I don't see anything to be concerned about having read the opening post.

I don't think it's right at all to assume the OP is unhappy overall, or that her husband has a problem with drink or any of the rest of it. As threads go I thought it was a fairly harmless opening post and expected replies in the usual irreverent tone of AH, but I'm thinking now I don't need to go to mass in the morning, such is the smug moralising and judgement in just this thread alone. Irish society it appears hasn't changed at all, there are still plenty of people about only too willing and ready to pounce on those people who aren't living according to their standards.

If you admit that you have had these problems in the past why did you feel the need to point out that I as a child of an alcoholic was reading the post with clouded judgement? Isn't it just as likely that you are reading things from your perspective and letting that influence you?

Well I'm glad that Irish society has moved on to allow people to talk about the damage that alcohol can do to families and how it really isn't great that a parent would choose to drink every weekend rather than spend quality time with their family. It's especially refreshing that men are being expected to take a more equal role.

nhunter100 · 15-04-2017 1:11pm

One eyed Jack wrote:

I don't think it's right at all to assume the OP is unhappy overall, or that her husband has a problem with drink or any of the rest of it. As threads go I thought it was a fairly harmless opening post and expected replies in the usual irreverent tone of AH, but I'm thinking now I don't need to go to mass in the morning, such is the smug moralising and judgement in just this thread alone. Irish society it appears hasn't changed at all, there are still plenty of people about only too willing and ready to pounce on those people who aren't living according to their standards.

So you think a parent unable to function on their days off due to being hungover is ok? Nothing wrong with being hungover when your only responsibility is to yourself. When you have a partner, kids different story.

freshpopcorn · 15-04-2017 1:14pm

If his name is Jay I'm not surprised he goes to the pub the whole time because all she does is mock him!

osarusan · 15-04-2017 1:16pm

nhunter100 wrote: »

So you think a parent unable to function on their days off due to being hungover is ok? Nothing wrong with being hungover when your only responsibility is to yourself. When you have a partner, kids different story.

I'd say it's ok if the partner says it's ok.

If Limerick FC ever win the league, you better believe I'll be unable to function the next day, after making a big fat hole in my wallet. And my wife would be absolutely ok with that.

I think the issue here is more to do with continuing to do this stuff that you know your partner doesn't like you doing it.

nhunter100 · 15-04-2017 1:23pm

osarusan wrote:

If Limerick FC ever win the league, you better believe I'll be unable to function the next day. And my wife would be absolutely ok with that.

You're talking about a one off if ever, the op is talking about every weekend. Limerick FC winning? Limerick FC supporter finds a leprechaun who grants him 2 requests, so he asks the Leprechaun for a Unicorn. The little guy says "ah come on they're not real, impossible sorry'' so what's the second request says the little lad. The guy says I want Limerick to win the league, the Leprechaun says "what colour unicorn would you like?"

One eyed Jack · 15-04-2017 1:44pm

whatdoicare wrote: »

What are you on about?? It's not normal for a man to go out drinking every Friday and Saturday night to the point where his wife is relieved that good Friday has come around so she doesn't have to worry about it for one night and he'll not be too hungover to spend time with his family.

She makes him sleep in another room the nights he goes out because he stinks of drink - that's not one or two in a pub, that's getting ****e faced.

She is unhappy - she said so. She works full time aswell as him, she doesn't get a night out and said she can't afford it anyway - as he's spent all their leisure money, on himself, getting drunk, every weekend.

She said he even goes so far that if he takes her out for a meal, when they're done he drops her home and then off out to the pub with him.

None of that is normal. How can you think that people saying that it is destructive is getting on their high horse?

None that is normal for you, and sure there are a few who share your experience, but it's absolutely normal for many, many people. I didn't suggest people who were saying it was destructive were getting on their high horse. I suggested that people who were passing judgement on a situation based on the little amount of information given, were getting on their high horse (maybe you didn't notice but I thanked RK aka MrD's post because I appreciate where she's coming from, and I didn't see what she said as high horsing).

You posted earlier in the thread that the OP's husband is an asshat. Whatever you might think of him based upon what little you know of him, he's still the OP's husband and their children's father. You're perfectly entitled to judge him to be an asshat (I'm sure he cares), but you can't say it isn't high horsing to pass judgement like that when someone isn't living their lives according to your standards, and it doesn't do anything for the OP either. It's purely passing judgement on someone for your own benefit as far as I can see, because it certainly doesn't do anything beneficial for anyone else.

One eyed Jack · 15-04-2017 1:52pm

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

If you admit that you have had these problems in the past why did you feel the need to point out that I as a child of an alcoholic was reading the post with clouded judgement? Isn't it just as likely that you are reading things from your perspective and letting that influence you?

Not really, as I don't project my own experience and my own perspective of my own experience upon other people.

Well I'm glad that Irish society has moved on to allow people to talk about the damage that alcohol can do to families and how it really isn't great that a parent would choose to drink every weekend rather than spend quality time with their family. It's especially refreshing that men are being expected to take a more equal role.

There's a time and a place for that discussion, but the OP's opening post shouldn't have been a springboard for it IMO. I read it as a fairly light hearted opening post, but it's gone in the direction of people questioning their whole relationship? That's actually more bizarre than the idea that their relationship and family dynamic is absolutely normal, nothing unusual or otherwise about it at all IMO.

eviltwin · 15-04-2017 1:52pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

None that is normal for you, and sure there are a few who share your experience, but it's absolutely normal for many, many people. I didn't suggest people who were saying it was destructive were getting on their high horse. I suggested that people who were passing judgement on a situation based on the little amount of information given, were getting on their high horse (maybe you didn't notice but I thanked RK aka MrD's post because I appreciate where she's coming from, and I didn't see what she said as high horsing).

You posted earlier in the thread that the OP's husband is an asshat. Whatever you might think of him based upon what little you know of him, he's still the OP's husband and their children's father. You're perfectly entitled to judge him to be an asshat (I'm sure he cares), but you can't say it isn't high horsing to pass judgement like that when someone isn't living their lives according to your standards, and it doesn't do anything for the OP either. It's purely passing judgement on someone for your own benefit as far as I can see, because it certainly doesn't do anything beneficial for anyone else.

Normal doesn't mean right. Whatever about the op and what she thinks, what about his children? Don't they deserve better than a dad who is unable to be actively part of their weekend? Is this the kind of lesson they need about relationships?

Minnie Snuggles · 15-04-2017 1:52pm

mockingjay wrote: »

Well I'm not a troll, and I work full-time too and I rarely go out, don't really have the money - thanks for all the advice, I have been naive I think, I thought most people put up with this, his friends wives do, I'm going to have a big think about all of this today.

Have you told him how much you enjoyed the weekend and how much of a pick-me-up it was for you.

15-04-2017 2:04pm

__Alex__ wrote: »

If it's a choice between seeing your kids and going to the pub, I can't believe the latter would win out, especially as you can have some drinks at home once they are gone to bed. Priorities! It's just alcohol. There's a reason why parents get out so little, their priorities change.

You see your kids every night people like break from them and for many that means going to the pub with friends. To me going to the pub is a major part of enjoying myself so comments like "you don't need drink to enjoy yourself" aren't really true.

I have said the ops situation is unfair also, they should take turns exactly as the poster below has outlined. It's a simple fact that some people just aren't willing to become hermits like many parents do when they have kids. It's a depressing thought.

osarusan wrote: »

Nothing wrong with going out on weekends. We both do. Not every weekend, but my wife and I will go out for late nights (on different nights) and the other will willingly look after the kids the next day so that they can get a few extra hours sleep. Nothing wrong with getting a good night out with friends. We didn't give up our social lives or anything like it. It's all reasonable and works out grand.

In fact, whatever the arrangements are, if both partners are genuinely happy with them, that's reasonable.

What is outlined in the OP isn't reasonable.

Pac1Man · 15-04-2017 2:13pm

What a depressing read, drink winning over your wife and kids. Pathetic really.

jca · 15-04-2017 2:23pm

Minnie Snuggles wrote: »

Have you told him how much you enjoyed the weekend and how much of a pick-me-up it was for you.

This is the most sensible post in the whole thread. OP, if you want things to change I'd suggest you ask him did he think it was nicer doing what ye did as a family and take it from there.

PARlance · 15-04-2017 2:43pm

mockingjay wrote: »

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

Don't get caught up by the overreactions on here. From this and other posts, your husband seems to be a good guy when he's present. I do think 2 nights a week in the pub is selfish on his part but it's not unusual and probably can be explained... even though I don’t think it's right.

I know plenty of husbands like this. The ones I know are generally a bit older than myself, 40+, live in rural areas and generally don't spend time during the week in contact with other people bar family and work. I.e. they aren't on Whatsapp/boards etc. Interacting with others during the week, aren't involved in sports / hobbies and the pub is the only real release or social time for them. And a little bit of that is important.

The phone is the new pub for my generation. I might be at home with herself 7 nights a week but both of us can fall into the trap of not being present, either stuck in our phones or TV. It's the same minus the hangover. I would guess that a lot of people telling you that you've a big problem would be the same.

If he's like the guys I know it'll be hard to break the routine but I would approach it in a positive way and try to show him how great it is to have him around. I've seen the other approach and it rarely works. Maybe encourage him to get a hobby or something that gets him out for an hour or two during the week if he hasn't one already?

Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

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