Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

Dr Crayfish

My parents also used to get a babysitter every couple of weeks and go to the pub. They always came back in great spirits (I wonder why) and I've nothing but fond memories of it. Do you two ever do anything together OP? From looking at some of my married friends, once kids come into the equation one or both of them never seem to want to do anything social at all. Maybe they're too tired I don't know but that can't be healthy either.

andekwarhola

To be fair, the virulent moralizing would have been worse in Personal Issues

Sure it's easy enough to have a compromise without the extreme homilies (being hungover now and again is neglecting your kids. Er, right).

The guy is entitled to a pint now and again if he wants one but OP is also entitled to want some downtime and family time on her conditions.

Sure it's easy enough for adults to chart a compromise between the extremes.

MyStubbleItches

Yes, an awful lot of perfect people in perfect relationships with a perfect family life on boards. It's amazing how quickly some people presume that going to the pub on a Friday night and waking up sick on a Saturday morning means that he gets 'slaughtered' and spends all day in bed recovering from it. Maybe that's their experience of their drinking and their hangovers. It's quite possible that he has his few pints and wakes up feeling crappy but shakes it off pretty quickly and has a productive day. Genuine tiredness could quite possibly be a big factor in a hangover after a week's work.

I'm absolutely not defending him if his family are suffering due to his Friday evening pub stints, just suggesting the picture might not be as gloomy as some on here would like to believe.

Specialun

Hubby is going to be rightly pissed off with boards when he realises they fooked up his cushy gig

andekwarhola

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

From looking at some of my married friends, once kids come into the equation one or both of them never seem to want to do anything social at all. Maybe they're too tired I don't know but that can't be healthy either.

To be fair, nobody really knows what an energy and time sink young kids are until they have them.

If you add the fact that (through coincidence or design) one person might end up doing more with them, I could see why one person might be exhausted or wanting rest.

As said, it's just about balancing the load so both people can have downtime whether together or separately.

mockingjay

Specialun wrote: »

Hubby is going to be rightly pissed off with boards when he realises they fooked up his cushy gig

Ha ha! You said it...

Chuchote

andekwarhola wrote: »

The guy is entitled to a pint now and again if he wants one

Absolutely, and there's nothing nicer than having a pint with your friends once in a while. But spending hours of both weekend nights in the pub every weekend, to the extent that you're hung over the next morning, isn't a pint every now and again.

This article quoted below is about women, but what the liver specialist says is a wake-up for men too:

http://www.irishtimes.com/news/health/sharp-rise-in-number-of-women-dying-from-alcohol-related-illness-1.2742383

(Liver specialist) Prof Frank Murray of Beaumont Hospital and president of Royal College of Physicians in Ireland has warned that Irish people are underestimating how much they drink and the harm it can cause.
Three Irish people die every day as a result of alcohol abuse. Previously these would have been mostly older men drinking heavily in pubs on a regular basis.
However in recent times there has been a huge increase in the number of women being admitted to hospital and dying from liver failure, Prof Murray says.
(snip)
"What happens is people buy wine and in some cases people drink half a bottle a night several times during the week and a bottle each day at the weekends. That's enough to cause liver failure."

R.D. aka MR.D

I don't think that people who are pointing out that this man has a drinking problem are moralising.

Having a drinking problem is when your actions impact on your life. They are certainly having an impact on this wife.

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic and i can see the apprehension in her post. That feeling she is describing about not having to worry on good Friday. It's awful.

And before anybody wants to accuse me of being a bore or on some moral high horse, I drink plenty and at my leisure. However, my husband comes first and if I ever had kids you'd better believe I'd put them before wanting to enjoy a few pints. That's not about morals, it's about knowing what it's like to have a parent gone from your weekends because they put socialising and booze first.

LexieOnRale

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I don't know about you but you put your families needs before getting wrote off every week. Drawing up a roster and pawning the kids off on the grandparents so they can both have their turn sitting in a pub? Come on now. Husband in the OP needs to put on his big boy pants and deal with his real life responsibilities

Not everyone is happy to give up on enjoying life when they have kids.

Malari

Yeah, fair enough. I didn't realise I was coming from such an unusual position of privilege to be in a relationship where we enjoy spending time in each other's company more than alone in the pub getting so wasted you are fit for nothing but nursing a hangover every Saturday.

I stand corrected.

Is your husband Don Draper, by any chance?

Winterlong

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Not everyone is happy to give up on enjoying life when they have kids.

Exactly, but if you are going to be man enough to start a family you need to be man enough to be a father to that family.

One eyed Jack

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic and i can see the apprehension in her post.

Your experience is definitely colouring your perspective of other people's circumstances.

And before anybody wants to accuse me of being a bore or on some moral high horse, I drink plenty and at my leisure. However, my husband comes first and if I ever had kids you'd better believe I'd put them before wanting to enjoy a few pints. That's not about morals, it's about knowing what it's like to have a parent gone from your weekends because they put socialising and booze first.

I don't know enough about the OP's relationship or their family dynamic to put myself in a position where I was able to pass judgement on her husband or the OP. There was nothing in the opening post to my mind at least that suggested anything worth getting concerned about, other than the fact that the OP couldn't have predicted the way the threads gone.

Fighting Tao

I do think that the word 'alcoholic' is being used quite lightly in this thread. When I worked in Dublin City centre it was common for everyone in the office to go out most Fridays after work. It was the same when I was labouring On a building site. It didn't mean everyone was alcoholics. It just became habit. We moved office and there was no pub near by and so it all stopped. The only guy in the office that had a drinking problem never came out with everyone else. If I'm working with alcoholics now then they are doing a very good job of hiding it.

kylith

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Not everyone is happy to give up on enjoying life when they have kids.

You can enjoy life without getting hungover drunk every Friday night.

__Alex__

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

The fact is there are plenty of families where the wife has no option but to do most of the looking after of kids due to work commitments of the husband. Being from a rural area I know plenty working full time jobs and running a farm so throw in a few pints to try unwind and you are lucky to be home to see the kids before bed during the week and maybe get a reasonable amount of time on a Sunday. Same where there is a lot of work travel with a job and the husband is away a lot.

If it's a choice between seeing your kids and going to the pub, I can't believe the latter would win out, especially as you can have some drinks at home once they are gone to bed. Priorities! It's just alcohol. There's a reason why parents get out so little, their priorities change.

Omackeral

Hope you enjoyed the Good Friday restriction OP cos it's likely gone next year. To hear you say coyly that you'd like some company to watch a movie is really so sad to me. He needs to know this. You sound lonely. Couple that with the fact that he automatically gets to go out every Friday and Saturday night on the lash is especially unfair when you yourself said you have to ask if you can go out for a Sunday meal and it all seems pretty unjust.

__Alex__

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I don't think going to the pub once a week or whatever is the end of the world. My dad often did on Fridays after work and he was and still is a great father. Are people on boards really so perfect? The judgment on these threads when it comes to relationships just seems to be more and more ridiculous. You'd swear this was an American Christian website or something.

Ironically, this is one of the most hyperbolic posts in the thread!

R.D. aka MR.D

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Your experience is definitely colouring your perspective of other people's circumstances.





I don't know enough about the OP's relationship or their family dynamic to put myself in a position where I was able to pass judgement on her husband or the OP. There was nothing in the opening post to my mind at least that suggested anything worth getting concerned about, other than the fact that the OP couldn't have predicted the way the threads gone.

Yep, my experience adds to how I read the OP. Do you have much experience with people who have drinking problems? If not, maybe that's why you see nothing to be concerned about.

But you are right none of us know exactly what is going on. We both have an equal chance of being right.

Malari

Well it seems the OP's situation is more normal than I realised. So maybe I'm unusual that I would find her assumption that a lot of wives go through this a little insulting, that's all.

whatdoicare

Your husband is an asshat.

What he's doing and how he's treating you is not the norm and not how marriages work. I don't know why you're sticking with him if he makes you feel lonely and abused - isn't that the opposite of how being with someone is supposed to make you feel?

mockingjay

mockingjay wrote: »

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

If this is a genuine account of your home life, then I'm so very sorry for you all. As a family, you all need help. YOU deserve better. It's up to you to make sure you and your children are treated better. Get help now, before your children are scarred for life.

One eyed Jack

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Yep, my experience adds to how I read the OP. Do you have much experience with people who have drinking problems? If not, maybe that's why you see nothing to be concerned about.

But you are right none of us know exactly what is going on. We both have an equal chance of being right.

It's precisely because of my experience with people with drink problems (including my own at one time), relationship problems and personal issues, a whole multitude of stuff really, all sorts of extremes, and all sorts of standards, that I don't see anything to be concerned about having read the opening post.

I don't think it's right at all to assume the OP is unhappy overall, or that her husband has a problem with drink or any of the rest of it. As threads go I thought it was a fairly harmless opening post and expected replies in the usual irreverent tone of AH, but I'm thinking now I don't need to go to mass in the morning, such is the smug moralising and judgement in just this thread alone. Irish society it appears hasn't changed at all, there are still plenty of people about only too willing and ready to pounce on those people who aren't living according to their standards.

eviltwin

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Not everyone is happy to give up on enjoying life when they have kids.

You don't have to. There is a middle ground.

The op says her husband goes out on Friday, is sick all Saturday but manages to rally himself to go out Saturday night ( how convenient ).When does he spend time with his wife and kids? When does his wife get a chance to enjoy her weekend?

Besides the utter selfishness of it there is the financial aspect. He must be spending some amount of money each week and his wife struggles to find the money for even the odd night out, where is the fairness in that ?

osarusan

Nothing wrong with going out on weekends. We both do. Not every weekend, but my wife and I will go out for late nights (on different nights) and the other will willingly look after the kids the next day so that they can get a few extra hours sleep. Nothing wrong with getting a good night out with friends. We didn't give up our social lives or anything like it. It's all reasonable and works out grand.

In fact, whatever the arrangements are, if both partners are genuinely happy with them, that's reasonable.

What is outlined in the OP isn't reasonable.

whatdoicare

One eyed Jack wrote: »

It's precisely because of my experience with people with drink problems (including my own at one time), relationship problems and personal issues, a whole multitude of stuff really, all sorts of extremes, and all sorts of standards, that I don't see anything to be concerned about having read the opening post.

I don't think it's right at all to assume the OP is unhappy overall, or that her husband has a problem with drink or any of the rest of it. As threads go I thought it was a fairly harmless opening post and expected replies in the usual irreverent tone of AH, but I'm thinking now I don't need to go to mass in the morning, such is the smug moralising and judgement in just this thread alone. Irish society it appears hasn't changed at all, there are still plenty of people about only too willing and ready to pounce on those people who aren't living according to their standards.

What are you on about?? It's not normal for a man to go out drinking every Friday and Saturday night to the point where his wife is relieved that good Friday has come around so she doesn't have to worry about it for one night and he'll not be too hungover to spend time with his family.

She makes him sleep in another room the nights he goes out because he stinks of drink - that's not one or two in a pub, that's getting ****e faced.

She is unhappy - she said so. She works full time aswell as him, she doesn't get a night out and said she can't afford it anyway - as he's spent all their leisure money, on himself, getting drunk, every weekend.

She said he even goes so far that if he takes her out for a meal, when they're done he drops her home and then off out to the pub with him.

None of that is normal. How can you think that people saying that it is destructive is getting on their high horse?

Alma Weak Stabilizer

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Not everyone is happy to give up on enjoying life when they have kids.

And the only way to enjoy life is getting drunk on Fri and sat night?

R.D. aka MR.D

One eyed Jack wrote: »

It's precisely because of my experience with people with drink problems (including my own at one time), relationship problems and personal issues, a whole multitude of stuff really, all sorts of extremes, and all sorts of standards, that I don't see anything to be concerned about having read the opening post.

I don't think it's right at all to assume the OP is unhappy overall, or that her husband has a problem with drink or any of the rest of it. As threads go I thought it was a fairly harmless opening post and expected replies in the usual irreverent tone of AH, but I'm thinking now I don't need to go to mass in the morning, such is the smug moralising and judgement in just this thread alone. Irish society it appears hasn't changed at all, there are still plenty of people about only too willing and ready to pounce on those people who aren't living according to their standards.

If you admit that you have had these problems in the past why did you feel the need to point out that I as a child of an alcoholic was reading the post with clouded judgement? Isn't it just as likely that you are reading things from your perspective and letting that influence you?

Well I'm glad that Irish society has moved on to allow people to talk about the damage that alcohol can do to families and how it really isn't great that a parent would choose to drink every weekend rather than spend quality time with their family. It's especially refreshing that men are being expected to take a more equal role.

nhunter100

One eyed Jack wrote:

I don't think it's right at all to assume the OP is unhappy overall, or that her husband has a problem with drink or any of the rest of it. As threads go I thought it was a fairly harmless opening post and expected replies in the usual irreverent tone of AH, but I'm thinking now I don't need to go to mass in the morning, such is the smug moralising and judgement in just this thread alone. Irish society it appears hasn't changed at all, there are still plenty of people about only too willing and ready to pounce on those people who aren't living according to their standards.

So you think a parent unable to function on their days off due to being hungover is ok? Nothing wrong with being hungover when your only responsibility is to yourself. When you have a partner, kids different story.

freshpopcorn

If his name is Jay I'm not surprised he goes to the pub the whole time because all she does is mock him!