Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

osarusan

nhunter100 wrote: »

So you think a parent unable to function on their days off due to being hungover is ok? Nothing wrong with being hungover when your only responsibility is to yourself. When you have a partner, kids different story.

I'd say it's ok if the partner says it's ok.

If Limerick FC ever win the league, you better believe I'll be unable to function the next day, after making a big fat hole in my wallet. And my wife would be absolutely ok with that.

I think the issue here is more to do with continuing to do this stuff that you know your partner doesn't like you doing it.

nhunter100

osarusan wrote:

If Limerick FC ever win the league, you better believe I'll be unable to function the next day. And my wife would be absolutely ok with that.

You're talking about a one off if ever, the op is talking about every weekend. Limerick FC winning? Limerick FC supporter finds a leprechaun who grants him 2 requests, so he asks the Leprechaun for a Unicorn. The little guy says "ah come on they're not real, impossible sorry'' so what's the second request says the little lad. The guy says I want Limerick to win the league, the Leprechaun says "what colour unicorn would you like?"

One eyed Jack

whatdoicare wrote: »

What are you on about?? It's not normal for a man to go out drinking every Friday and Saturday night to the point where his wife is relieved that good Friday has come around so she doesn't have to worry about it for one night and he'll not be too hungover to spend time with his family.

She makes him sleep in another room the nights he goes out because he stinks of drink - that's not one or two in a pub, that's getting ****e faced.

She is unhappy - she said so. She works full time aswell as him, she doesn't get a night out and said she can't afford it anyway - as he's spent all their leisure money, on himself, getting drunk, every weekend.

She said he even goes so far that if he takes her out for a meal, when they're done he drops her home and then off out to the pub with him.

None of that is normal. How can you think that people saying that it is destructive is getting on their high horse?

None that is normal for you, and sure there are a few who share your experience, but it's absolutely normal for many, many people. I didn't suggest people who were saying it was destructive were getting on their high horse. I suggested that people who were passing judgement on a situation based on the little amount of information given, were getting on their high horse (maybe you didn't notice but I thanked RK aka MrD's post because I appreciate where she's coming from, and I didn't see what she said as high horsing).

You posted earlier in the thread that the OP's husband is an asshat. Whatever you might think of him based upon what little you know of him, he's still the OP's husband and their children's father. You're perfectly entitled to judge him to be an asshat (I'm sure he cares), but you can't say it isn't high horsing to pass judgement like that when someone isn't living their lives according to your standards, and it doesn't do anything for the OP either. It's purely passing judgement on someone for your own benefit as far as I can see, because it certainly doesn't do anything beneficial for anyone else.

One eyed Jack

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

If you admit that you have had these problems in the past why did you feel the need to point out that I as a child of an alcoholic was reading the post with clouded judgement? Isn't it just as likely that you are reading things from your perspective and letting that influence you?

Not really, as I don't project my own experience and my own perspective of my own experience upon other people.

Well I'm glad that Irish society has moved on to allow people to talk about the damage that alcohol can do to families and how it really isn't great that a parent would choose to drink every weekend rather than spend quality time with their family. It's especially refreshing that men are being expected to take a more equal role.

There's a time and a place for that discussion, but the OP's opening post shouldn't have been a springboard for it IMO. I read it as a fairly light hearted opening post, but it's gone in the direction of people questioning their whole relationship? That's actually more bizarre than the idea that their relationship and family dynamic is absolutely normal, nothing unusual or otherwise about it at all IMO.

eviltwin

One eyed Jack wrote: »

None that is normal for you, and sure there are a few who share your experience, but it's absolutely normal for many, many people. I didn't suggest people who were saying it was destructive were getting on their high horse. I suggested that people who were passing judgement on a situation based on the little amount of information given, were getting on their high horse (maybe you didn't notice but I thanked RK aka MrD's post because I appreciate where she's coming from, and I didn't see what she said as high horsing).

You posted earlier in the thread that the OP's husband is an asshat. Whatever you might think of him based upon what little you know of him, he's still the OP's husband and their children's father. You're perfectly entitled to judge him to be an asshat (I'm sure he cares), but you can't say it isn't high horsing to pass judgement like that when someone isn't living their lives according to your standards, and it doesn't do anything for the OP either. It's purely passing judgement on someone for your own benefit as far as I can see, because it certainly doesn't do anything beneficial for anyone else.

Normal doesn't mean right. Whatever about the op and what she thinks, what about his children? Don't they deserve better than a dad who is unable to be actively part of their weekend? Is this the kind of lesson they need about relationships?

Minnie Snuggles

mockingjay wrote: »

Well I'm not a troll, and I work full-time too and I rarely go out, don't really have the money - thanks for all the advice, I have been naive I think, I thought most people put up with this, his friends wives do, I'm going to have a big think about all of this today.

Have you told him how much you enjoyed the weekend and how much of a pick-me-up it was for you.

__Alex__

__Alex__ wrote: »

If it's a choice between seeing your kids and going to the pub, I can't believe the latter would win out, especially as you can have some drinks at home once they are gone to bed. Priorities! It's just alcohol. There's a reason why parents get out so little, their priorities change.

You see your kids every night people like break from them and for many that means going to the pub with friends. To me going to the pub is a major part of enjoying myself so comments like "you don't need drink to enjoy yourself" aren't really true.

I have said the ops situation is unfair also, they should take turns exactly as the poster below has outlined. It's a simple fact that some people just aren't willing to become hermits like many parents do when they have kids. It's a depressing thought.

osarusan wrote: »

Nothing wrong with going out on weekends. We both do. Not every weekend, but my wife and I will go out for late nights (on different nights) and the other will willingly look after the kids the next day so that they can get a few extra hours sleep. Nothing wrong with getting a good night out with friends. We didn't give up our social lives or anything like it. It's all reasonable and works out grand.

In fact, whatever the arrangements are, if both partners are genuinely happy with them, that's reasonable.

What is outlined in the OP isn't reasonable.

Pac1Man

What a depressing read, drink winning over your wife and kids. Pathetic really.

jca

Minnie Snuggles wrote: »

Have you told him how much you enjoyed the weekend and how much of a pick-me-up it was for you.

This is the most sensible post in the whole thread. OP, if you want things to change I'd suggest you ask him did he think it was nicer doing what ye did as a family and take it from there.

PARlance

mockingjay wrote: »

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

Don't get caught up by the overreactions on here. From this and other posts, your husband seems to be a good guy when he's present. I do think 2 nights a week in the pub is selfish on his part but it's not unusual and probably can be explained... even though I don’t think it's right.

I know plenty of husbands like this. The ones I know are generally a bit older than myself, 40+, live in rural areas and generally don't spend time during the week in contact with other people bar family and work. I.e. they aren't on Whatsapp/boards etc. Interacting with others during the week, aren't involved in sports / hobbies and the pub is the only real release or social time for them. And a little bit of that is important.

The phone is the new pub for my generation. I might be at home with herself 7 nights a week but both of us can fall into the trap of not being present, either stuck in our phones or TV. It's the same minus the hangover. I would guess that a lot of people telling you that you've a big problem would be the same.

If he's like the guys I know it'll be hard to break the routine but I would approach it in a positive way and try to show him how great it is to have him around. I've seen the other approach and it rarely works. Maybe encourage him to get a hobby or something that gets him out for an hour or two during the week if he hasn't one already?

happypants

endacl wrote: »

Two questions, OP....

1. How did you manage to post from the 1970s?
2. No. That's it. How did you post here from decades ago?!?

I genuinely just laughed my head off I was thinking the same thing.

Larbre34

O.P., you laugh this behaviour off as if your husband is being a bit of a scallywag, and I dont mean to patronise in the least when I say this may be a scenario both you and your husband are used to and may have seen as an example growing up in your own families and/or community.

It rings a bit of an alarm bell when you say you dont generally go out yourself, not just to be in good form with the kids on busy weekends, but that you dont have the money to go out. Your husband seems to have the money, does he regard his own income as his own discretionary fund? If so, that shouldnt be acceptable to you and your family. His going out both weekend nights, every week, and drinking heavily till late shouldnt be acceptable either.

Im not naive about the realities of family life, and Im sure your husband isnt a bad guy, who maybe doesnt see much wrong with his pattern of behaviour, but if for no other reason than his future health and wellbeing, you both need to talk about this, maybe with the help of an experienced third party. Hopefully he will be receptive and your family will be better for it.

Sunny Disposition

Larbre34 wrote: »

O.P., you laugh this behaviour off as if your husband is being a bit of a scallywag, and I dont mean to patronise in the least when I say this may be a scenario both you and your husband are used to and may have seen as an example growing up in your own families and/or community.

It rings a bit of an alarm bell when you say you dont generally go out yourself, not just to be in good form with the kids on busy weekends, but that you dont have the money to go out. Your husband seems to have the money, does he regard his own income as his own discretionary fund? If so, that shouldnt be acceptable to you and your family. His going out both weekend nights, every week, and drinking heavily till late shouldnt be acceptable either.

Im not naive about the realities of family life, and Im sure your husband isnt a bad guy, who maybe doesnt see much wrong with his pattern of behaviour, but if for no other reason than his future health and wellbeing, you both need to talk about this, maybe with the help of an experienced third party. Hopefully he will be receptive and your family will be better for it.

The first post is quite sad, think you will need a few honest conversations with your husband about what he's up to OP.

Maybe he just hasn't copped on to how he is effecting his family and would be mortified if he knew you were one of v few people who look forward to Good Friday. I think from the information you're giving an outsider couldn't know if he is an alcoholic or not, but he definitely needs to cut back for his family's sake.

Being in a marraige and feeling like the OP does is one of my worst nightmares. You deserve more than you're getting, and holding the fort while he does what makes him (and him alone) happy, OP.

It's desperately sad that you see this as normal.

ChikiChiki

What is clear from this thread is that in 2017 there is still blind ignorance of the effect of drinking on the family unit.

Chuchote

I have a friend who was living this kind of life - drinking 18 pints (!!!) a night with the boys.
He realised that his daughters were growing up and he was missing it. He stopped. It wasn't easy; he stopped cold and never drank again, at all, ever. Said it wasn't worth it. I'd go out on a social event with him and I and others would have a few drinks; he wouldn't touch any, and he wouldn't stay long for fear of falling.
His choice - for him, his family came absolutely first, and he waved goodbye to the adolescent world of boys out together drinking.

Gbear

You can have half a dozen pints with the lads once a week and be fully functional the next day.

If he's have 10 pints every single weekend and even more so if he's having a half a bottle of wine every night with dinner, another few bottles of beer while watching the CL or whatever else, then there's an issue.

Drinking isn't binary. If it is to you, you're probably an alcoholic.

One eyed Jack

eviltwin wrote: »

Normal doesn't mean right. Whatever about the op and what she thinks, what about his children? Don't they deserve better than a dad who is unable to be actively part of their weekend? Is this the kind of lesson they need about relationships?

I couldn't possibly make any sort of a determination about how the OP's children would, could, or should feel about anything, nor how they may or may not turn out as adults, based on the scant glimpse the OP has given us into her life.

Widdershins

Malari wrote: »

Insulting subject line. She's assuming just because her husband treats her badly that most other wives are in this situation too?:rolleyes:

Maybe in her circle of friends it seems normal. It's normal in her world, he's hardly on his own down at the pub every weekend so other husbands are probably at it too.

My OH is always off doing stuff, works hard to be fair to him and he doesn't drink but he's never around lately so I kind of know how you feel, OP.

AH answer: Tie him up in the spare bedroom and leave him there to detox for a week.

Mr.Wemmick

Marriage with children is a great deal of work and can be full-on for both partners and it's all down to the sharing of the good stuff as well as the difficult. No one should be left to shoulder the heavier responsibilities in a marriage with kids, while the other gets to fall back and relax into the single care free days of the pub.

Surely he must know he is being selfish and unfair. What happens if you get ill and are unable to manage to look after the kids, the cooking, football runs on the weekend? Does he stay indoors and take over from you, allowing you to rest/ recover? If not, and you have to get a relative in to help, then it won't be long before he expects your older child to grow up and shoulder his responsibilities too.

eviltwin

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I couldn't possibly make any sort of a determination about how the OP's children would, could, or should feel about anything, nor how they may or may not turn out as adults, based on the scant glimpse the OP has given us into her life.

That's not what I asked though. Is it fair that he is unable to be fully present and involved with them? Is it fair that they see their father do as he pleases while their mother picks up the slack? Is it fair he gets to have two nights to himself while she gets a night to herself on rare occasions? The guy is a prat, don't know why you are defending him.

Chuchote

The title of the thread suggests that the OP thinks this is normal.

SeanW

eviltwin wrote: »

That's not what I asked though. Is it fair that he is unable to be fully present and involved with them? Is it fair that they see their father do as he pleases while their mother picks up the slack? Is it fair he gets to have two nights to himself while she gets a night to herself on rare occasions? The guy is a prat, don't know why you are defending him.

Well, for one thing, we only have one side of this story ...

One eyed Jack

eviltwin wrote: »

That's not what I asked though. Is it fair that he is unable to be fully present and involved with them? Is it fair that they see their father do as he pleases while their mother picks up the slack? Is it fair he gets to have two nights to himself while she gets a night to herself on rare occasions? The guy is a prat, don't know why you are defending him.

But sure I can't possibly give any definitive answer to those questions without knowing a whole lot more about their lives. I don't think anyone here can, and that's why I was so surprised at so many people being so quick to judge circumstances based upon fcukall information. It's not that I'm actually defending anyone at all, it's that I'm just not as quick to judge as some, and I'd reserve judgement until I'd know more. I wouldn't be so quick to judge him because I'm aware of the fact that there are some people would be just as quick to judge me for plenty.

For example in a recent thread I posted that my child had recently commented that we don't spend much time together. Moments later a poster jumped in and without knowing anything else about the situation, posted that I should spend more time with him like he asked me to. I didn't particularly feel like entertaining them, precisely because they had no idea what they were talking about, given that they had no idea of our circumstances, and that's notwithstanding the fact that my child didn't ask me to spend more time with him - he simply commented that we don't.

eviltwin

eviltwin wrote: »

That's not what I asked though. Is it fair that he is unable to be fully present and involved with them? Is it fair that they see their father do as he pleases while their mother picks up the slack? Is it fair he gets to have two nights to himself while she gets a night to herself on rare occasions? The guy is a prat, don't know why you are defending him.

I don't think you really know the reality of life, a lad going out on the beer Friday is probably seeing more of his kids on a Saturday than those who are gone working all day Saturday.

It's not an ideal word and this exact 50/50 sharing off all household duties and child minding is fantasy land. As I said I know plenty of people who are lucky to get home to see their child before bed and won't be seen at all on a Saturday due to working and possible the same on a Sunday. More often than not the wife knows this is how things Will be long before marriage or kids too so it's obviously a very acceptable thing.

Stheno

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

I don't think you really know the reality of life, a lad going out on the beer Friday is probably seeing more of his kids on a Saturday than those who are gone working all day Saturday.

It's not an ideal word and this exact 50/50 sharing off all household duties and child minding is fantasy land. As I said I know plenty of people who are lucky to get home to see their child before bed and won't be seen at all on a Saturday due to working and possible the same on a Sunday. More often than not they know this is how things Will be long before marriage or kids too so it's obviously a very acceptable thing.

So you know plenty of people who work so late during the week they miss their kids bedtimes and also have to work Saturday and Sunday as well?

What sort of jobs are these people doing?

osarusan

nhunter100 wrote: »

Limerick FC winning?

3-0! Time to get pissed!



Just kidding, I'm home making tomato soup for tomorrow's breakfast.

Stheno

Stheno wrote: »

So you know plenty of people who work so late during the week they miss their kids bedtimes and also have to work Saturday and Sunday as well?

What sort of jobs are these people doing?

Full time job and running a farm is one group and those who travel abroad regularly for work.

PARlance

Stheno wrote: »

So you know plenty of people who work so late during the week they miss their kids bedtimes and also have to work Saturday and Sunday as well?

What sort of jobs are these people doing?

You're not really stuck are you?

Anyone in the bar & restaurant trade.
Drivers: taxi, delivery, truckers.
A lot in the entertainment industry, people working in cinemas, venues etc.
People working in sports: refs, physios, personal trainers.

There are a lot of jobs that revolve around servicing people outside of the common 9-5.

One eyed Jack

Stheno wrote: »

So you know plenty of people who work so late during the week they miss their kids bedtimes and also have to work Saturday and Sunday as well?

What sort of jobs are these people doing?

I know you work in IT on contract so it's hardly like you wouldn't have heard of it?

There are numerous people I know who don't work hours that are compatible with achieving a perfect work/life balance that they believe they're supposed to be achieving, or anything even close to it. Everyone aspires to it, but there is always that person or persons waiting in the wings to point out where they're going wrong.

Some people revel in pointing out where someone else is going wrong, rather than try and understand them. I'd always be more likely to question the motives of someone who is quicker to pass judgement on other people, than they are to try and understand the same people they're so quick to criticise.