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Things you have done, that made you wish the ground could immediately swallow you up.

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  • #62
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    Walter H Price wrote: »
    a few years ago id say i was 17 18 maybe , going on a weekend away with my girlfriend at the time and heading through Dublin airport security she set off the scanners.

    anyway im collecting my stuff after going through the secutity yoke and i look up and my girlfriends getting patted down by a lad and i was like i'm not having this so i storm over doing the whole macho thing and shout at your man "what the fcuk are you playing at you pervert she's supposed to be searched by a woman"

    To which to my absolute horror the evidently lesbian (i'm assuming) security gard replied i am a fcuking woman you Pr1ck ... The looks i got from all of the other people at the security thing and my girlfriend were awful one and only time in my life i went absolutely scarlet and was totally lost for words. I think i literally said oh em carry on so or some other drivel , absolute cringe

    Was she evidently a lesbian or did you make an assumption?


  • #63
    snowbabe
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 617 ✭✭✭snowbabe


    Was working in a big perfumery and chatting away to a regular customer,I was telling her about this new perfume saying how nice it was and did she want to try it? Yes please says she ,I then said give me youre hand there and went to take her hand,I then looked up at her and realised she'd no arm ,I nearly died with the shock as Ive known this woman a good few years and knew she'd only one arm .I was purple and then to make matters worse I said "oh sorry you're other hand " . Sweet jaysus I wanted that ground to swallow me up whole .Mind you she was laughing which made me feel a bit better,never forget it though ,morto mortomorto


  • #64
    Bandana boy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,341 ✭✭✭Bandana boy


    Back in school I had gone for a smoke and was late to Gym class
    Gym teacher was a hard ass and being late meant running laps

    We were doing indoor tennis and there was nets strung across the gym.
    He had his back turned to me telling something to the other kids
    I decided I could sprint into one of the groups before he saw me and save myself a few laps.

    I didn't realize that each net was tied to each other and the space in between them was actually a wire. I hit it at full pace breaking it causing a loud snap, collapsing all the nets and ending up in a heap on the floor.
    He must have sworn at me for Five minutes straight.


  • #65
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,812 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I was in Australia, some guy was veing inappropiate towards a woman, so I confronted him, no punches, just like what the **** you doing. He was waiting outside for me, cue silly barbs thrown at each other, as we both went for each other, we ended up being pulled away from each other by our respective groups. throwing insults at each other , generic "fcuk you, cnut" , "you btich" until I shouted, with all the anger I could muster

    "Yeah, fcuk off ,Suck my little dick"



    Atleast it defused the situation as everyone laughed, with exception of me who just sighed and procedded to get into a taxi


  • #66
    corner of hells
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,438 ✭✭✭corner of hells


    I've posted this before , but I used work in a drop in centre for homeless people that used to close about 9pm each night with it being difficult to ask people to leave with nowhere to go to.

    On more than one occasion a placement or new employee would shout across the floor " have yiz no homes to go to ? "
    Truly you could have heard a pin drop.


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  • #67
    Blitzkrieger
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,669 ✭✭✭Blitzkrieger


    Was in a bar once talking to a friend's fiancé and her friend about the deal they were doing on a bucket of (bottles of) beer. Some bars at the time did similar deals but only with ****ty beers like Sol. I was trying to be funny and be a beer snob saying 'You can actually get nice beers with it too, not just Coors Light or Bud.....' ....and realised one of them was drinking Coors Light and one was drinking Bud. :o

    There was no extracting my foot from my mouth after that one so I don't think I talked to them for the rest of the night. I think she still thinks I'm an asshole...


  • #68
    Third_Echelon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,889 ✭✭✭Third_Echelon


    I was on a work trip in the states for a few weeks. One of the weekends I stayed in San Francisco and caught up with a friend from Dublin that had been living there for a couple of years. Anyway, pints were had on the night before I was due to go to the airport to travel on to my next stop (long flight to Brazil).

    Flight was 8 AM Sunday morning. Get back to the hotel around 5 AM, quick shower, pack the remaining bits in the bag, get dressed and out the door to the airport...

    So anyway, as you can imagine I was tired, probably still drunk with hangover on the way. Got the security queue and I started to take out my laptop, take off my shoes, take off my belt etc. and put them into the bins for the scanner.

    My brain was thinking... 'tired... getting into bed for sure... he must be'. My brain thought it was a good idea to start taking down my trousers to get undressed for bed, I'd taken my shoes and belt off of course!!! where I was actually in a security queue at the airport :)

    Needless to say I got a very weird look from the security guard/TSA person and my fellow passengers. He of course made it worse by taking everything out of my bag and swabbing it and running through their machine to check for particles of explosives or whatever.

    Mortified.... Was never as glad to see an airplane seat in my life!!!


  • #69
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    At a friend's engagement party. She was introducing me to a bunch of people who'd just arrived, relatives, coworkers etc. Went to introduce one particular woman and I said something to the effect of "Well yous two are obviously related, you're the absolute image of each other!"

    Turned out to be an ex of the groom-to-be. He definitely has a type...


  • #70
    Rubberlegs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭Rubberlegs


    Instead of saying "Lovely, thank you" to the butcher, I said "Love you!". I barely made it back out to the car where I laughed so hard I couldn't drive home for ages:).


  • #71
    Luap
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,646 ✭✭✭Luap


    Fluffy Cat 88 wrote: »
    I said "congratulations, when are you due?" To a woman who wasn't pregnant.

    Most embarrassing moment ever!

    Then you follow it up with, 'ah the night is still young yet you never know!':pac:


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  • #72
    sligojoek
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,420 ✭✭✭✭sligojoek


    I'd been working on a site with three lads for a few weeks and we'd often go for a couple of pints after work. One Friday the boss came and paid us at lunchtime and headed off to a wedding in Galway. He wasn't gone 5 mins and we were in the boozer. At about 5.00 and after 6 pints I remembered I was supposed to be going for a meal with my OH and a few of her friends. I got home at 6.30 and somehow convinced her I finished a 5.00 and only had 3 pints.

    Fast forward to the end of the meal and 2 pints and 3 or 4 glasses of wine and I was scuttered. Herself wasn't impressed. In comes a bloke who was in the pub earlier. (we'll call him Tim, nice but dim) He came straight over to the table and started chatting. First he says "Jaysus, you were in the pub early today" Of course I denied it and said we ususlly came in around 5 or so and frantically winking at him. "No. No." He says, "I remember looking at my watch and saying 'It's only half two and Joe and the lads are in early' "

    We got seperate taxis home that night.


  • #73
    Widdershins
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,633 ✭✭✭✭Widdershins


    Blitzkrieger wrote: »
    Was in a bar once talking to a friend's fiancé and her friend about the deal they were doing on a bucket of (bottles of) beer. Some bars at the time did similar deals but only with ****ty beers like Sol. I was trying to be funny and be a beer snob saying 'You can actually get nice beers with it too, not just Coors Light or Bud.....' ....and realised one of them was drinking Coors Light and one was drinking Bud. :o

    There was no extracting my foot from my mouth after that one so I don't think I talked to them for the rest of the night. I think she still thinks I'm an asshole...

    That would be very over sensitive of them if they did. Even if you clearly noticed the beer I think it would've been mildly funny or at worst, harmless.


  • #74
    Straylight
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 338 ✭✭Straylight


    Shortly before I got married one of my parents' closest friends died. The funeral was the week before the wedding and after the mass I was speaking to the widow. She mentioned how her husband was being buried in the suit he'd bought for my wedding. Now to this day I have no idea what I was actually trying to say in response to that, but what I actually said was "Well at least he got some use out of it".


  • #75
    bodhrandude
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,889 ✭✭✭✭bodhrandude


    I mentioned this before but god, I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Getting my waist measured for a suit and badly hungover, I let off a quiet stinkie, I might add it was a female shop assistant doing the measuring. What can I say, young and stupid at the time. :o

    If you want to get into it, you got to get out of it. (Hawkwind 1982)



  • #76
    Senna
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,800 ✭✭✭Senna


    I was a wedding coordinator for years, this one day a mother and daughter come in that I kind of know. We are talking light hearted, random chat about nothing and the mother says "will you do us a deal on a wedding", I jokingly say back to the mother " so YOU'RE getting married are you?". Then I remember that her husband had died less than a year ago, felt so bad, kept apologising and probably made it worse.


  • #77
    Hammer89
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,003 ✭✭✭Hammer89


    I'm in the smoking area of a nightclub and I get chatting to this stunner. I'd be doing her an injustice if I rated her out of 10. So, we're getting along really well and she's laughing at every joke I make, which is always a good sign. We're getting along so well that we're chain smoking, because we need an excuse to stay chatting, right. I'm not sure how it happened, but we both confide in each other that we have daddy issues. 'It's not the common ground I was searching for, but I'll take it,' I thought. But sooner or later her wanker mates come and rob her from me, taking her back inside. She didn't seem to resist, which puzzled me because I thought she was happy enough in my company. I light another smoke and think about her. 'Did I read the signs wrong?' I thought. 'No. I couldn't have. She wants me - she's waiting for me to make the move'. I genuinely liked the girl, inside and out, because obviously I know her really well.

    So, I go back inside and beginning scanning the entire club, like Arnie in the first Terminator. No luck. I check the dancefloor, every inch of the bar and the entire upstairs section. Had I a few more drinks in me I might've ventured into the woman's toilets and started knocking on cubicle doors. It's also quite late in the night. 'F*ck,' I say to myself. 'Maybe she's gone, and maybe that's why her friends came and got her.' I'm a beaten man, but I'm already over her so I go back out to the smoking area and hope to find another lovely. It's what she would've wanted.

    I see my mate, Wayne, in the smoking area, slurring words into the receiver of his iPhone. I scan the smoking area for lovelies and it's Target Located, lads. It's her, the Anne Frank of this nightclub, and she's on her own again. I approach her. 'I've been looking everywhere for you,' I tell her. She's a bit unimpressed. 'Why is that?' she asks. Here we go. Daddy issues or not, I'm about to express my true feelings incase I never get the chance. 'Because I fancy the hole off you, I respond. In my mind - a very drunken mind - that sounds romantic and endearing. But she's a bit awkward now, and not in a flattered, 'you're sweet' kind of way, but a disgusted, 'go away you big rapist' kind of way.

    But she's sweet and instead of telling me she's not interested, she grabs my mate and introduces him to me as her boyfriend. I want to bust her and say, 'No actually that's Wayne and he doesn't have a girlfriend' but I don't. The message was loud and clear and I sheepishly went back inside, tail between my legs when just moments earlier I was certain it'd be between her legs.

    Bitch.


  • #78
    Ken.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,898 ✭✭✭✭Ken.


    Adaline Tiny Medicine wrote: »
    At a friend's engagement party. She was introducing me to a bunch of people who'd just arrived, relatives, coworkers etc. Went to introduce one particular woman and I said something to the effect of "Well yous two are obviously related, you're the absolute image of each other!"

    Turned out to be an ex of the groom-to-be. He definitely has a type...

    Sorely tempted to delete everything else in the thread bar this and then lock it.


  • #79
    Rubberlegs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭Rubberlegs


    My niece had just been born and I was buzzing with excitement, and went down to the shop to get a baby girl helium balloon. The man behind the counter asked me as he was blowing it up did I want a weight on it. Ooh, I said , I didn't realise you did that nowadays, 8lbs 1oz please! He looked at me blankly, and then the penny dropped with me....


  • #80
    Walter H Price
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,839 ✭✭✭Walter H Price


    OldNotWIse wrote: »
    Was she evidently a lesbian or did you make an assumption?

    Well lets just say i've never met a strait girl who looked like her , plenty of strait lads but never a girl hahahaha


  • #81
    Rory28
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭Rory28


    Walter H Price wrote: »
    Well lets just say i've never met a strait girl who looked like her , plenty of strait lads but never a girl hahahaha

    Hilarious to make sweeping generalisations isnt it?


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  • #82
    Walter H Price
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,839 ✭✭✭Walter H Price


    Rory28 wrote: »
    Hilarious to make sweeping generalisations isnt it?

    I found it funny still do


  • #83
    MRnotlob606
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,642 ✭✭✭MRnotlob606


    0ph0rce0 wrote: »
    Only knew the girl for a few days.

    Jumped into bed.

    Blew my load just as it touched off her leg. (It had been a while haha)

    Caught it in my hand quickly and flew to the jacks and then pretended to be sick and wasn't up to it.

    Horrible awkward night.

    I needed extra hands to facepalm myself whilst reading this. But thanks for the lols:pac:


  • #84
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    Walter H Price wrote: »
    Well lets just say i've never met a strait girl who looked like her , plenty of strait lads but never a girl hahahaha

    How do you know? Do you ask everyone you meet their sexual orientation? Ironic that it's the G you dropped from the word straight - a Freudian slip was it? ;)


  • #85
    fizzypish
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,000 ✭✭✭fizzypish


    Where are all the cringe/funny stories gone? Can we just call Walter naughty for his assumption and get back on topic?


  • #86
    Walter H Price
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,839 ✭✭✭Walter H Price


    OldNotWIse wrote: »
    How do you know? Do you ask everyone you meet their sexual orientation? Ironic that it's the G you dropped from the word straight - a Freudian slip was it? ;)

    no just dyslexia oops , its a lighthearted thread stop trying to ruin it with faux outrage BS its boring zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


  • #87
    saintsaltynuts
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,126 ✭✭✭saintsaltynuts


    Put my hand out for the Luas at a stop last week.


  • #88
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    Walter H Price wrote: »
    no just dyslexia oops , its a lighthearted thread stop trying to ruin it with faux outrage BS its boring zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Oh sorry didn't realise that calling someone on a sweeping generalisation equated to ruining a thread :)


  • #89
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    saintsaltynuts wrote: »
    Put my hand out for the Luas at a stop last week.

    :D


  • #90
    TheDoc
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,141 ✭✭✭✭TheDoc


    LexieOnRale wrote: »
    She reeked and you could even smell when she had her period.

    Kinda wish the ground could swallow me after reading that sentence to be honest....


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  • #91
    TheDoc
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,141 ✭✭✭✭TheDoc


    Rory28 wrote: »
    Was a bit naive in secondary school for the first few years. After PE everyone would talk mad **** about getting laid and all sorts. complete bs but at the time i didnt know that. Was asked if I was getting some pussy replied no but im getting a hamster for Christmas.

    I still get slagged for that nearly 12 years later.

    And if it happened in college you would have been the funniest guy in the year :(


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