Things you have done, that made you wish the ground could immediately swallow you up.

Potential Underachiever

Buckfast W wrote: »

I know someone who sh#t themselves in Mc Donalds in Las Vegas.

In a pair of shorts.

It wasn't solid either. :eek:

You'd be doing well to inadvertently push out a solid log instead of farting!

J Mysterio

dollyk wrote: »

no more friday feeling for you.

Haha, that's a brilliant line. I lol'd at that.

J Mysterio

Buckfastw seems to have a lot of sh1tty arse friends.

Hammer89

ardinn wrote: »

"Now guys, heres your burger and chips for you sir, Steak, Medium for you sir, and the Roast beef for you Madam.

Give me 2 seconds and I'll run in and grab your Vag!"

You should run for office in 2020.

Buckfast W

J Mysterio wrote: »

Buckfastw seems to have a lot of sh1tty arse friends.

I have one or two more

Outlaw Pete

In the Circle in the Olympia I bought a double JD and ice to sip throughout the play and just made it back to my seat with many others as the curtain was lifting. Trying to get comfortable in those damn seats that feel like chairs in a primary school is difficult and so I was shifting about and whatever I did anyway I managed to jerk my right knee upwards and knee the glass of JD and Ice all down the back of some posh woman's dress that was sitting in front of me.

Well you never heard such a load intake of breath in your life. Members of the cast sort of half glanced towards the circle mid lines even. She was helped up and if looks could kill. I whispered my apologies of course but it was mortifying. I have no recollection of the play as I just sat with my eyes closed in total mortification at what I had just done. The athmosphere was tense during the intermission

pilly

Outlaw Pete wrote: »

In the Circle in the Olympia I bought a double JD and ice to sip throughout the play and just made it back to my seat with many others as the curtain was lifting. Trying to get comfortable in those damn seats that feel like chairs in a primary school is difficult and so I was shifting about and whatever I did anyway I managed to jerk my right knee upwards and knee the glass of JD and Ice all down the back of some posh woman's dress that was sitting in front of me.

Well you never heard such a load intake of breath in your life. Members of the cast sort of half glanced towards the circle mid lines even. She was helped up and if looks could kill. I whispered my apologies of course but it was mortifying. I have no recollection of the play as I just sat with my eyes closed in total mortification at what I had just done. The athmosphere was tense during the intermission

She was helped up? Did you knock her out of her chair?? :D:D

Outlaw Pete

pilly wrote: »

She was helped up? Did you knock her out of her chair?? :D:D

No you see she was clearly (to me at least) trying to stand without the skin on her back touching the inside of her now ice cold wet dress... in vain I'd suspect.. and so it appeared to mist people that she had perhaps slipped a disc or something given that even the people beside her had no idea what was wrong wrong with her. She could have been shot with a silencer from one of the private boxes for all they knew

pilly

Outlaw Pete wrote: »

No you see she was clearly (to me at least) trying to stand without the skin on her back touching the inside of her now ice cold wet dress... in vain I'd suspect.. and so it appeared as if she had slipped a disc or something given that even the people beside her had no idea what was wrong wrong with her. She could have been shot with a silencer from one of the private boxes for all they knew

That is hilarious, I'm picturing it and laughing.

Sklarker

JupiterKid wrote:

When I was about 13, I was with my mum and auntie up in Portstewart. There's a sort of "blowhole" in the harbour wall and when the sea is rough the water comes spouting out of it. We were all leaving a cafe and the water was gushing out of the blowhole. I exclaimed loudly to them "Oh, look at the blowjob!!"

Was morto.

I think I had blocked this out but you've just brought it all back - at around the same age one Christmas the extended family decided to play cards. I shouted out "can we play Tampoon?". My uncle told me stay out of my sisters room and eveyone started roaring laughing. It took me a while to figure it out. I was thinking of Pontoon

Ineedaname

Was out late one night and barely got any sleep. Next morning I went to the shop and for some bizarre reason I got it into my head that they had an automatic door.

Cue everyone in the shop looking at me as I clatter into the door.

fancy pigeon

As a 15 year old I was hanging out with 2 girls I had previously been with, we were heading to the shop from an estate. One almost walked into the remains of a smeared dogs sh*te and proceeded to stumble forward for a bit. I turned to her and how I laughed... Until I stood in the mauldiest biggest dirty dogs sh*te myself while laughing. I went very quiet as they pissed themselves laughing

I'm not very used to stools outside pubs and certain workspaces (weird but bare with me). So imagine my confusion when I went to a house that had some stools where I go to lean back, realize too late and fall off full legs up and winded on the ground...

My car has reverse beside 2nd gear and the handbrake beside the clutch. Jumped into the mothers somewhat normal laid out car many's a time and either tried taking off with the handbrake on or stalling it thinking it was in reverse (2nd gear, 1.1 petrol vs 2.2 diesel). One time I drove straight into my own car thinking it was in reverse

mad_shopaholic

Was talking to a woman called Catriona that I hadnt seen in a few years and was thinking in my own head how she had put on alot of weight since and i said great meeting you again Fatriona

dazberry

One of the guys on our team in work was recently awarded the Microsoft Most Valuable Professional award.

In a meeting a few weeks ago I was sitting beside him and he was telling us about it - so I started poking him with my elbow and said something like "I want some of that to rub off - some of that MVPness"

I got a number of very shocked looks - managed to stutter out something like "I should have really thought that one through before saying it" - but that damage was done :eek:

D.

As it's coming up to Christmas I'll share this one..

A few years back my parents and I stopped off in a little village at a Christmas shop someone had recommended to my mum.

It was done really nice with the whole space divided into 4 or 5 rooms separated by hollow makeshift walls. Each room was decorated to a different theme. The biggest room was really lovely with a large antique looking table and lots of traditional decorations everywhere. I remember there was a couple of cute penguins I thought about buying.

We were the only customers in there and we wandered around doing our own thing. All of a sudden my dad over by the big room starts shouting FIRE FIRE!! We thought he was joking until we saw smoke billowing over the makeshift walls. The two shop assistants just froze. My dad shouted "where's your fire extinguisher" but neither of them knew. One went to search while the fire got bigger and bigger. So my dad shouts for someone to throw water on it and in response the other assistant threw his half cup of coffee over it! Useless! Eventually they found the extinguisher but didn't know how to use it so my dad put it out.

Meanwhile I'm every shade of red and mad to get the hell out of there. I was the only one who had gone into that room. I must have knocked over one of the decorative candles since I'm clumsy as f***. The minute the fire was out we just legged it.

My family still slag me over the time I half burned down the Christmas shop.

The penguins perished that day.

bodhrandude

Was in Bundoran about six years ago, it was a nice sunny day in May and I went to go to this cafe. I walked up to the entrance and BAM! I walked into a glass door and rebounded back down into the pavement. The fecking door was a death trap, looked as clear as the day as open. Anyway I regained my composure and went in to order a full Irish.

GerryDerpy

bodhrandude wrote: »

Was in Bundoran about six years ago, it was a nice sunny day in May and I went to go to this cafe. I walked up to the entrance and BAM! I walked into a glass door and rebounded back down into the pavement. The fecking door was a death trap, looked as clear as the day as open. Anyway I regained my composure and went in to order a full Irish.

Pavement...shudder.

GerB40

GreenFolder2 wrote: »

For a country that's so terrified of even using the word 'toilet' they have very odd complete lack of any kind of normal modesty requirement in their cubicle designs!

Japan on on the other hand: Office had automatic self-sterilising, pre-heated seats, absolute privacy, nice potpourri, under-seat odour extraction, noise cancelling systems, built-in bidet / drying system and you've TV and reading material on tablet-style display.

And perfectly designed flush systems that never struggle with anything.

The toilet even cleans itself fully after use and mists the area with fragrant essential oils.

Is it weird that taking a shyte in Japan is now on my bucket list?

carzony

I made some very nasty remarks about the health and safety officer in my job to the new guy. Spent a few minutes ranting about how he was a tosser, waster and was a cheeky ****er.

The new guy looks at me and says ''i'm his brother btw''

shane9689

Been with my exgirlfriend awhile, and every so often i would slap her arse playfully when she'd stand up (not always, just playfully) she would do it back sometimes too. Well anyways, i was abit absent minded (and slightly tipsy) when we were over for dinner at her parents (conservative bunch).
And she had slapped my arse earlier in private when i wasnt paying attention, so i was focused on getting revenge.
so when we finish dinner and are all chatting away, shes sitting beside me and has to pass me to get out. she gets up to put away the dishes and dont i go to slap her smack on the arse! luckily a moment before i smacked her i hesitated and pretended to pat her on the back. She looks back at me in shock knowing what i was doing. Her dad was sitting directly across from us (big scary fella) looking right at us. Imagine some young buck going to give a good slap to your daughter in the arse right in front of you.

anyways, not sure if he saw it or not, because he didnt say anything. I just went silent for the rest of the evening constantly pondering whether he saw it or not and just wanting to dissappear.

Edups

GerB40 wrote: »

Is it weird that taking a shyte in Japan is now on my bucket list?

No because now I want to... I'll fly over to China eat a rake of curry the hottest kind then buzz to Japan and find a toilet.

Toots

A few years ago I was going to see Bill Bailey in the Olympia with my husband. We were in the upstairs bit (not the very top, the middle shelf) So we get there and start making our way down to our seats.

Well you know in the Olympia how you have to go down the steps to get to your seat? I stepped down and obviously missed the first step and proceeded to fall arse over tit all the way down to the balcony railing bit, which I hit with an audible "clang". It was like that father Ted episode where Mrs Doyle falls down the stairs.

A lot of people were already in their seats, and all of them saw it. Worst part was I then had to pick myself back up, haul my ass to my seat, and then sit there for close to 2 hours before I could escape. Oh and I'd crippled myself in the process. Ended up on crutches afterwards.

thegodlife

I remember having some family over in our house and noticed my wife with her back to me chatting to someone so admiring the arse in her jeans gave one of her cheeks a nice little squeeze on my way out of the room only to run into my wife walking towards me from the kitchen. It wasn't my wifes arse but her younger sisters. I was mortified especially as her younger sister never reacted.

Big Nasty

Sounds like you're in there!

pilly

Big Nasty wrote: »

Sounds like you're in there!

Unless she went to the wife afterwards and told her he was pinching her arse!

J Mysterio

thegodlife wrote: »

I remember having some family over in our house and noticed my wife with her back to me chatting to someone so admiring the arse in her jeans gave one of her cheeks a squeeze on my way out of the room only to run into my wife walking towards me from the kitchen. It wasn't my wifes arse but her younger sisters. I was mortified especially as her younger sister never reacted.

Well what happened next?

Did you just say nothing? :pac:

Mister Vain

I recently walked up to a girl and gave her a big hug. I thought she was somebody else. It was a bit like that specsavers ad where the girl kisses the wrong guy.

Hoey95

Cool story

Ciaran_B

dollyk wrote: »

:(My daughters friend from the same school died just after they made their communions.
I seen the mother some years later and she was saying thats its odd to see my daughter at 20 and she can still just visualise her daughter at 7.
I was so choked up and she said I havnt even drank a drop since that friday.
And I replied oh no more friday feeling for you.
I have no idea what made that come into my mind, and I even sent a card to say sorry after that, she said it was fine , that she even laughed at the embarrassment I must have felt, worse sentence ever. I still feel shocked I said that.

This is legit one of the funniest things I've ever read. I burst out laughing in work when I read it and had to get up and leave my desk. At the gym tonight it popped into my head again and I got a fit of giggles and nearly dropped a weight on myself.

thegodlife

J Mysterio wrote: »

Well what happened next?

Did you just say nothing? :pac:

I told the OH and laughed about it, safest thing to do lol