Things you have done, that made you wish the ground could immediately swallow you up.

Sweetemotion

One day a couple of weeks ago I hadn't eaten all day and for some reason got a craving for a KFC burrito, don't know why. I have only had one me life.

So I'm driving along and see a KFC and think yes this is finally my chance to cure this craving. I pull into the drive through and ask for my burrito, the woman on intercom said she couldn't understand my order and could I come to the window.

I go to the window and she says sorry what was your order? I reply " I want a burrito please" sorry we don't do burritos, "what do mean you don't do burritos?
every KFC in the country does burritos" she says I know but this is Burger King.

Anyone, got any similar stories?

0ph0rce0

Only knew the girl for a few days.

Jumped into bed.

Blew my load just as it touched off her leg. (It had been a while haha)

Caught it in my hand quickly and flew to the jacks and then pretended to be sick and wasn't up to it.

Horrible awkward night.

Sweetemotion

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

Only knew the girl for a few days.

Jumped into bed.

Blew my load just as it touched off her leg. (It had been a while haha)

Caught it in my hand quickly and flew to the jacks and then pretended to be sick and wasn't up to it.

Horrible awkward night.

Ahh man. :pac:

Hande hoche!

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

Only knew the girl for a few days.

Jumped into bed.

Blew my load just as it touched off her leg. (It had been a while haha)

Caught it in my hand quickly and flew to the jacks and then pretended to be sick and wasn't up to it.

Horrible awkward night.

Quick thinking.

Fluffy Cat 88

I said "congratulations, when are you due?" To a woman who wasn't pregnant.

Most embarrassing moment ever!

BorneTobyWilde

Saw a neighbour had his drive way retarred , new tarmac so on.

Few days later while walking by I saw him in driveway
I commented loudly to him '' Retard '' in a way to acknowledge his new driveway

4Ad

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

Only knew the girl for a few days.

Jumped into bed.

Blew my load just as it touched off her leg. (It had been a while haha)

Caught it in my hand quickly and flew to the jacks and then pretended to be sick and wasn't up to it.

Horrible awkward night.

You should of just rubbed it into her hair and pretended she was Cameron Diaz....maybe it was...

FortySeven

Going up in front of a disciplinary panel of three women at work for not showing up and after telling them I was sick, they pointed out that they had been made aware I was in fact in bed with two of my subordinates having a thteesome all day.

Got fired.

Arghus

FortySeven wrote: »

Going up in front of a disciplinary panel of three women at work for not showing up and after telling them I was sick, they pointed out that they had been made aware I was in fact in bed with two of my subordinates having a thteesome all day.

Got fired.

I'd call that getting fired with panache.

Edups

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

Saw a neighbour had his drive way retarred , new tarmac so on.

Few days later while walking by I saw him in driveway
I commented loudly to him '' Retard '' in a way to acknowledge his new driveway

I kind of felt like that was going that way

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

My whole life is an embarrassment

The worst was being in college with a girl who never washed herself or her clothes. She reeked and you could even smell when she had her period.
Anyway, lets call her Laura. So, were all in class one day and there's a nasty smell as usual. There's another girl drowning herself in deodorant and it's billowing out under her arms like steam. Let's say her name was Megan.

So, jokingly, I made a joke that Megan smelled. I said "look at the steam under your arms". "I think you need to go home and take a shower...." but said Laura (because I was thinking it in my head, but meant to say Meg.

Lord save us, it was awful. I remember sitting there wondering did that actually come out of my mouth or had I imagined it. I looked at the other girls, 2 of them staring at me with their mouths open, 1 with eyes streaming tears from laughing and the smelly girl to my left pretending it didn't happen.

I felt terrible, and told the college principal what I did cause man, that was nasty and I'm not deliberately a nasty person. She just laughed and said "she may need to hear it from her peers, she's not taking it on board when we say it". Bad form, I'm sure.

suicide_circus

"what can I get you, sir?"

"I'm a woman"

Stheno

suicide_circus wrote: »

"what can I get you, sir?"

"I'm a woman"

I have been the woman in said situation wearing a dress and heels

My colleagues cried with laughter

Edups

Stheno wrote: »

I have been the woman in said situation wearing a dress and heels

My colleagues cried with laughter

That sounds like willful ignorance if nothing else

munster87

Blew my load just as it touched off her leg. (It had been a while haha)

Caught it in my hand quickly

This made me think of Spider-man for some reason

bikubesong

A few years ago... I had been seeing a guy for about a month. He had told me that he'd been in a previous relationship that had lasted a few years, and from his Facebook page, it didn't take a detective to figure out who the girl was.

Anyway, I was idly browsing on my laptop and went on her FB page for a nose, ended up on her Instagram page. She seemed like an interesting girl and actually had really cool pictures on her page so I just kept flicking through - not even being nosy about their relationship, just mindlessly browsing.

Fast forward to that evening when the guy came over and we decided to stream a film online. My laptop was on the coffee table so he opened it up and there, on the screen, was a browser window about 73 weeks deep into his long term ex's Instagram feed.

He was actually really sound about it but I have never wanted the ground to swallow me up so badly.

Ferrari3600

Got chatting to a blind man on the bus many years ago.

For some reason we started talking about weather forecasters on RTE....he said his favourite was (he named a certain female weather forecaster)....I replied "yeah and she's good looking too!"

Jeez, the cringe factor.

irishlady29

Was texting somebody slating my then boss......sent it to my boss...called into the office and she read it out to me word for word.........wanted the ground to open up.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

When I have to do anything with my car.
Two examples.

1. Ring up this place looking for insurance. Guy on the phone asks what size my engine is. Me with not a clue how to even open the bonnet, had to tell him God I don't know to be honest, I've never seen it. I could hear him coughing trying to disguise his laughing while he patiently explained engine size as being 1.3/1.4/1.5 etc

2. I needed new tyres. I go to the tyre shop. Man asks if he can help me. I say "two tyres please". What tyres? "Sorry?" What size tyres do you need? "Oh, just the regular size please." He was staring at me like I was a complete simpleton. I don't know what more to say to him without sounding even more stupid. So without saying a word he walked outside and looked at my car himself.

Winterlong

When I was a teenager I was with my mum and met a friend of hers. I commented on what I thought was her pregnancy and she mumbled something and left. My mother nearly killed me....turns out the woman was recently widowed and carrying a bit of extra weight. Not pregnant.

Important life lesson learned. Never comment on a suspected pregnancy she tells you she is pregnant or you can see the head coming out.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Or that time I had made an account on paddy power for during Cheltenham. Had to choose a username. I think I chose something like Alexisverycool. It was cringe but I figured nobody will ever know. But because it was a new account I had to contact the call centre support. Imagine my shame having to tell my username. The man on the phone was laughing saying "haha we've all been there", and then I got cut off. Then when I called back I got talking to a man again and he said "I think I was talking you before you got cut off. What's your username? Oh yeah, it was definitely you." And started laughing again.

Learned my lesson there, grown up and modest usernames from now on

Lucyfur

The other week I told my friend that I really love her hillbilly style.

I meant rockabilly. The 50s glam style. Not the straw eating riding your ma style.

The worst part is is that I didn't realise my mistake until I got home hours later.

Edups

LexieOnRale wrote: »

When I have to do anything with my car.
Two examples.

2. I needed new tyres. I go to the tyre shop. Man asks if he can help me. I say "two tyres please". What tyres? "Sorry?" What size tyres do you need? "Oh, just the regular size please." He was staring at me like I was a complete simpleton. I don't know what more to say to him without sounding even more stupid. So without saying a word he walked outside and looked at my car himself.

Sorry Lexie but this just has me in bits.
"Yes please sir I will take two tyres, regular please sir."

"Regular?"

"Yes sir car size"

fizzypish

Coming back from college years ago was chatting with a mate and his female roommate. Conversation warped around and they ended up finding out I was a virgin. Took the piss out of me on the bus and not quietly. Can't complain too much. Younger me was a bit of a dick.

For Forks Sake

munster87 wrote: »

This made me think of Spider-man for some reason

NikoTopps

Waitor/Waitress: "Enjoy your meal"

Me: "You too"

I can't tell you the amount of times I've been at a restaurant and this happens. Cringe. :rolleyes:

Anytime I'm out with my boyfriend he's waiting to see will I say it, mean fűck!:pac:

Edups

NikoTopps wrote: »

Waitor/Waitress: "Enjoy your meal"

Me: "You too"

I can't tell you the amount of times I've been at a restaurant and this happens. Cringe. :rolleyes:

Anytime I'm out with my boyfriend he's waiting to see will I say it, mean fűck!:pac:

I often get overly angry a bit quickly with them, when they make a mistake.

Excuse me, I asked for no mayonnaise..

Oh did you?

YES I FUXKING DID YOU ****

sir I wasn't arguing with you..

Ahem... very good

everlast75

checking out of a hotel on Sunday morning - more than a little hung over.

Paid up the Bill, grabbed my overnight bag and said "see ya" to the receptionist.

She replied "Hope you enjoyed your stay"

For some reason I said "you too"...

osarusan

Was staying at a hotel in Japan on a trip paid for by my university. In order to get reimbursed, you need an official, itemised receipt.

While channel-surfing and trying to work out the remote, I accidentally* activated the porn channel, which added 1,000yen (about €8) to the official itemised bill.

The worst bit was that it wasn't immediate - I had a day and a half to worry about how they'd react when I submitted it for reimbursement.

*it really was accidentally - for those who would like to avoid having the fee for the porn channel on their receipt, there is a special vending machine that sells 1,000yen cards which you insert into the base of the tv to activate the channel without adding anything to the bill.

Four Phucs Ache

Summer 98, shelf packing in Quinnsworth.It was my first job and I was on the drink section packing coke, 7up bottles etc.

It was a steaming hot Saturday afternoon about 2pm. I had my warehouse trolley packed about 7 feet high.This thing had no sides or straps, nothing ! But was the norm,no safety concerns back then.

Was trying my luck with one if the checkout girls for weeks and there was a hint of some action that night as she told me she wasn't going with her fella anymore because he was a sap and would I like to get a pizza with her at her house.I was feckin on a high all day.


Got to the section and it was packed with people enjoying summer. Planted the thing in the middle of the aisle and worked away cutting the plastic off the bottles.

Checkout babe stopped to casually talk .

While I was in a trance looking at her didn't I only slice the fookin blade through a 2ltr bottle of Fanta.

Because of my enthusiastic unpacking the bottle was primed like a bomb.There was fookin Fanta everywhere .A woman with her baby was walking passed when it blew.Fook me it was on men women and kids for a good 15 feet.The woman told me I ruined her dress.The baby was laughing.

The manager stood at the end of the aisle with his hand on his hips and shaking his head.

With my mouth still open I turned to say sorry to checkout babe whos shirt I could now see through because it was fookin soaked.

I said you look great wet.



BEST. NIGHT. EVER.

BUBBLES1978

tore ligaments in my ankle a few years ago so was on the aul crutches. went into a local bar for a few drinks sat down and noticed a guy i hadn't seen before sitting across the way with a set of crutches beside him. after a few drinks i was smiling at him and saying ah look we're like twins with our lovely gammy leg and crutches, he smiles back, little while later he got up to leave and had only one fockin leg...i still cringe thinking about it.

Walter H Price

a few years ago id say i was 17 18 maybe , going on a weekend away with my girlfriend at the time and heading through Dublin airport security she set off the scanners.

anyway im collecting my stuff after going through the secutity yoke and i look up and my girlfriends getting patted down by a lad and i was like i'm not having this so i storm over doing the whole macho thing and shout at your man "what the fcuk are you playing at you pervert she's supposed to be searched by a woman"

To which to my absolute horror the evidently lesbian (i'm assuming) security gard replied i am a fcuking woman you Pr1ck ... The looks i got from all of the other people at the security thing and my girlfriend were awful one and only time in my life i went absolutely scarlet and was totally lost for words. I think i literally said oh em carry on so or some other drivel , absolute cringe

Shinbin223

I was in college and had become friendly with a girl as we became housemates one semester. She was dark haired with hair in a bob. Her sister had long blonde curly hair. She was showing me a picture of a sister and I said "wow, you are nothing alike (pause) she's really pretty".
I knew the minute I said it that it sounded so nasty and mean. In fact both of the girls were really pretty but i think my friend took at as : we aren't alike, she's pretty and I'm not. Whereas I meant it as two separate opinions. "You are nothing alike. She's really pretty." I wanted the ground to swallow me as the more I tried to explain myself the more I ended up in a bigger hole.

jester77

A few years ago I went on a weekend away with a few mates. I was due to fly home on the Sunday evening, but they were all flying on the Monday. After a day of drinking Sunday it didn't take much to convince me to stay another night. We ended up staying in a bar until around 8am the following morning, around the time I should be going into work back home.

So, I ring my office and got the HR girls answering machine and left some sort of a message saying I had missed a flight and couldn't make it in to work.

A few days later when I managed to get home, I went up to apologise for what was probably a very drunken message, I couldn't recall what I had really said. She looked at me all confused and said that I had been actually talking with her and not the answering machine.

whoopsadoodles

jester77 wrote: »

A few years ago I went on a weekend away with a few mates. I was due to fly home on the Sunday evening, but they were all flying on the Monday. After a day of drinking Sunday it didn't take much to convince me to stay another night. We ended up staying in a bar until around 8am the following morning, around the time I should be going into work back home.

So, I ring my office and got the HR girls answering machine and left some sort of a message saying I had missed a flight and couldn't make it in to work.

A few days later when I managed to get home, I went up to apologise for what was probably a very drunken message, I couldn't recall what I had really said. She looked at me all confused and said that I had been actually talking with her and not the answering machine.

I know a guy who went out on a session and rang into work sick the following day, only to be told he had already called in sick two hours ago :pac:

osarusan

We had a colleague who called in sick to his job in Japan, but we all knew he was actually in South Korea for the Ireland Spain game in 2002. Later on in the day, there was a slow-motion replay of the crowd celebrating Robbie Keane's last minute equaliser, and he was right there in the middle of it.

Luckily his boss had no interest in football so hadn't seen the game. We did get another American colleague to call him pretending to be that boss though, needing to meet with him about his recent absence, and we scared the crap out of him for a few seconds before he worked out what was going on.

FortySeven

Working in corporate hospitality at a Scottish premier league stadium. We ran out of soup in our lounge so I was sent over to the other side of the stadium to get some before half time. Rangers were in town and the stadium was capacity, about 30 odd thousand. The only way to the other side was to walk the touchline around behind the goal. So there is me walking along with a 10 litre bain marie full of uncovered soup coming past the back of the goal when the crowd swell, Rangers are in the box, I turn to look as a welly of a shot hits the bar and flies over my head. I trip forward just enough that the soup slops forward, I overcompensate and get a faceful of carrot and coriander.

I still can hear the echo of a few thousand people laughing. Thank god no camera phones back then.

Butters1979

Not to me but to one of my mates (honestly it wasn’t me). A big group of us at a stag years ago and at the end of the weekend we were all hung over checking out of the hotel. Most of the group were standing around the lobby and I had just finished checking out when the last two lads came down to do the same. I stood there talking to them while they were going through the motions when the receptionist said “I’m afraid we have had to add a soiling charge to the bill” and the two lads turned red. I overheard this and being half drunk still I pointed at them and screamed across the crowded lobby “Lads! One of these pi55ed the fcuking bed!!!”” I think the most embarrassed person there was the girl behind reception.

timmy880

Was in Irish class in 5th year..... Was asked to read to the whole class a passage from one of our books. Never really liked that part because I'm nervous speaking but anyway I ploughed on.... We get to a sentence that had the words "sa bhanc" which should be pronounced sa vaaawwwwwnk but obviously without thinking I say "sa w@nk" and the classroom absolutely erupts into laughter and I'm mocked for it until college. Obviously seems no big deal now but when you're 15/16 I did want to disappear in that moment.

Wichita Lineman

I was crossing the street at Trinity College when this old guy ploughed into me without apologising so I roared at him to watch where he was going.

Wait for it.....

He turned around and waved his white cane at me and yelled back 'I cant ye gobsh&te I'm feckin' blind!!'

I was mortified.

brevity

Four Phucs Ache wrote: »

The baby was laughing.

Maggie, she's such a trooper.

cometogether

That time I asked a woman how her husband was, before realising the last time I had seen her was at his funeral.

Olishi4

I was going to a house party and when we arrived, a lad that my OH had been out in town with a few times answered the door.

As I walking through the hallway, I said "ah hiya John, the last time I saw you, you were chatting up that Cuban girl at the bar". His face dropped and I said "what?did it not go well?" Then I arrived in the sitting room and a girl was sitting on the sofa looking a bit pissed off.

It was his new gf. They weren't together at the time but I think he was, eh courting her so she wasn't too happy to hear that he had been chatting women up

valoren

Went on a date with a girl a few years ago.
I had just gotten my first smart phone a few days earlier.
So during the date, we are talking about something or other that requires me to look something up online.
I'll just use the 'internet' app on my snazzy new smartphone.
I wasn't aware that your browsing sessions were saved when you closed the internet app.

So I open up the app, as she is watching, and it opens at the PornHub page I used for some 'alone time' from the previous evening. I quickly snapped the phone shut and wanted to die with embarrassment.

FortySeven

valoren wrote: »

Went on a date with a girl a few years ago.
I had just gotten my first smart phone a few days earlier.
So during the date, we are talking about something or other that requires me to look something up online.
I'll just use the 'internet' app on my snazzy new smartphone.
I wasn't aware that your browsing sessions were saved when you closed the internet app.

So I open up the app, as she as watching, and it opens at the PornHub page I used for some 'alone time' from the previous evening. I quickly snapped the phone shut and wanted to die with embarrassment.

Happened to me standing in a busy deli queue. You're not alone.

J Mysterio

Hande hoche! wrote: »

Quick thinking.

I hope your not hande hoche in a predicament such as that.

scdublin

Was walking into a college classroom and held open the door for someone walking out. They walked through and didn't say thank you, so I shouted "you're welcome" after them and proceeded to rant about how it was the height of rudeness and I couldn't understand it. The lecturer meekly said "actually, he's deaf".

I was out for drinks with a few work friends and our manager and we noticed one of the lads kept fiddling with his wedding ring, twisting it around on his finger. My manager who was divorced made a joke that it was a sign of being anxious about the marriage. I turned around without thinking and asked my manager - "did you play with your ring when you were married?". Whole load of lads just burst out laughing.

cometogether

cometogether wrote: »

That time I asked a woman how her husband was, before realising the last time I had seen her was at his funeral.

Met an old school friend recently who I hadn't seen in years. He's not active on social media or anything so little to no contact over a few years. He had great time for my late father and asked me how he was keeping. I've never seen the colour drain from someones face so quick when I told him he'd passed 2 years previous. I wanted the ground to swallow the two of us up at that moment to be honest but we went and had pints together instead. Weird and wonderful moment.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Standing in a que in a really busy spar one morning, i was next, not paying any attention, texting on my phone. Someone touched my arm to tell me to move to the checkout. I was so engrossed in my phone she frightened me and instinctively inturned around and freaked out with her for touching me. I calmed down after like two seconds but I had started my rant so had to finish it but was cringing so hard by the time I got to the counter. Poor woman

StupidLikeAFox

Fluffy Cat 88 wrote: »

I said "congratulations, when are you due?" To a woman who wasn't pregnant.

Most embarrassing moment ever!

I saw a guy in the pub one night go up to a girl, "Ah well, how are you? I didn't know ye were expecting" then went full on feeling her belly, head down listening to her stomach, "Does it kick much?" etc.

Of course, it just turned out to be a food baby. I think everybody who saw it was cringing for the both of them

MeatTwoVeg

StupidLikeAFox wrote:

I saw a guy in the pub one night go up to a girl, "Ah well, how are you? I didn't know ye were expecting" then went full on feeling her belly, head down listening to her stomach, "Does it kick much?" etc.

Do these have to be true stories or can we make any old sh:te up?