The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550



"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham


"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell


"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson


"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith


"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan


"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson


"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney


"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff


"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath


"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes


"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf


"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift


"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith


"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons


"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol


Adam Hess' one-liner: "In France, J-Lo is called 'I have water'",

Darren Walsh's gag: "What do you call three members of Abba in a French slaughterhouse? Abba trois."