The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

fryup

Your Face wrote: »

Heard this in New York years ago.

A Jew, a Puerto Rican and a Russian walk into an Italian bar:
The bartender says 'Get the fxxk out'

explain

Realt Dearg Sec

fryup wrote: »

explain

The Italian is a racist

Capt'n Midnight

From the depths of ebay history there's this ..



Listed in category:
Honda C90 non runner, no reserve
Item number: 2442354423


Description (revised)
Seller assumes all responsibility for listing this item.


This is an utterly horrible dead C90. I acquired it because I thought the engine might fit in a Honda Dax 70 I was restoring. I then found that this year of C90 engine won't fit. Oh well.

Picture at: https://web.archive.org/web/20060215123242/http://www.chateau.murray.dsl.pipex.com/C90.jpg


It's been in a leaky shed for at least a decade. It's quite disgusting. It's red, fading to pink on some plastic parts, and with a fine patina of matching ferrous oxide. It's complete, except for the exhaust which was so decayed it fell off when I was moving it. The legshields are cracked. No documents and no keys. The engine has compression and turns over, but the speedo mileage of 46,000 suggests that it was used by a Knowledge Boy with severe learning difficulties.



Speaking of which, this is a re-listing because the winning bidder last time was a decerebrate turnip who was able to click on buttons and hit the numbers keys, but unable to read web pages, and didn't realise that he was 200 miles away. "I dint no (sic) where you lived" read his email. Well done, astragsi999: in addition to having the saddest username on Ebay, you've now got a feedback rating of minus one and a Non-Paying Bidder stripe against your record. Welcome to our Quadrant of the Galaxy. Beep. Yes, we play rough on Planet Earth sometimes. The next-placed bidder swore blind he wanted it, but he turned out to live 120 miles away and he's been giving me the run-around as well. Irritated? Me? Just a tad, yes. For the benefit of anyone else who has the navigational skills of a pigeon with a magnet strapped to its forehead, this bike is in Sutton, south-west London. For the Yanks, that's London, England, near Russia. Not London, New Jersey, nor New London, Connecticut.

What's it worth? Spare parts only, or maybe the basis for a field bike. It really isn't worth restoring as a road bike. Besides the engine, things like side panels, electrical components, forks, mirrors, levers, lights, switches, side panels, etc etc are all worth having. It even has a rack, roughly finished in Dulux White, which suggests that our trainee cab driver did a spot of painting and decorating on the side.

Starting price is 99p and no reserve. You will need a van or a trailer or the stamina to push it a long way. I can deliver within a reasonable distance for 50p/mile but unless you're only a few miles away (are you reading this, timewasters?) it'll probably be rather more than the bike is worth.

I'll want it taken away within one week of auction end. Timewasters and/or people who tell me they can't pick it up for a month, or haven't got transport at the moment, will find that Planet Earth's Alien Feedback Division can be a hostile place. Beep.

On 11-Nov-03 at 16:20:32 GMT, seller added the following information:

Look, what is it with some people? Why is it, when you put up a bike that's in a state, and tell everyone it's crap, and start the bidding at 99p, ferChrissakes, do you get emails like this one:

"I could offer £60 if you would consider delivery. The reason is that I am going on holiday from Friday the 14th of November so will be around home tomorrow Wednesday and Thursday the 12th and 13th. Hence I will not be able to bid or collect the bike while I am away. Currently I ride a ZZR1100 and am looking for very cheap local transport in the winter months. Condition not really important to me."

If you can't take delivery, or you aren't local, don't bid and don't waste my time with emails. And can't you read? This bike is like Monty Python's parrot. It wouldn't voom if you put 40,000 volts through it. The engine may be OK - I've no idea - but the rest of it is a pile of poo.

And this is an auction, right? I've no intention of pissing off genuine buyers on my stuff by yanking my goods because someone as dim as candle in a Guinness bottle thinks he can change my mind by promising cash. I've heard that one before. In fact, I've heard it on this very C90.

For the record: winning bidder gets it, and then drags it away pronto before the neighbours claim it's reducing local property values..

On 11-Nov-03 at 20:58:25 GMT, seller added the following information:

Markclock, you are mad. I trust you're genuine, but the fact that (at the time of writing this) you've bid £26 quid for this suggests that you only have twice the brains of astragsi999, who bid £51 before the smear left by his finger on the screen stopped at the point: Location, Sutton, United Kingdom/London. And as astragsi999 has a certifiable IQ in single figures, this is not a good sign. If you win this, and then let me down, I shall send the SAS to put itching powder in your underpants drawer.

Same goes for other comedians, except that my vengeance will be worse as the bids increase. They're already 25 quid more than this thing is worth.

On 13-Nov-03 at 21:53:37 GMT, seller added the following information:

Wonderful. So the Feckwit Quotient is increasing. I have a theory that the cheaper and crappier an auction item, the greater number of imbeciles it attracts. The current high bidder has just emailed me to say he made a mistake in his bidding.

Jesus. All you have to do is read Ebay's instructions, click on a button, and type in a figure. There are people out there who, on this basis, can't even use a microwave oven without a quantifiable risk of burning their hands off at the wrist.

And from the sound of his username, he's 250 miles away, but hey!? Maybe he was conceived on a wet and wind-blasted island off North Wales? Anglesey0, I'm cancelling your bid unless, as politely requested, you get back to me with full name, address, contact numbers and an assurance that you're not as dim as your illiterate email suggests.

In fact, I've just checked the bid history. I should have done that earlier. Lookathat! Four bidders, and three of them zero feedback. The bad news for you, Markclock, is that if I bar the current geezer, this bike is going to be your problem.

On 14-Nov-03 at 12:33:37 GMT, seller added the following information:

And from the darkness of a cold, hard solar system the anti-Feckwit Division of the Intergalactic Ebay Council sent a lone battlecruiser to nuke anglesey0's bids, because although he did indeed get back to me, he did not furnish any of the information requested, and showed a painful ignorance of the way Ebay's bidding system works. Sorry, an'all that, anglesey0, but I suggest you RTFM.



Seller's payment instructions & return policy:
Could deliver within 25 miles for extra cost. Otherwise buyer collects


Payment methods accepted
Personal cheque
Postal Order or Banker's Draft
COD (cash on delivery)
Learn about payment methods.

Back to home page | View seller's other items | Safe Trading Tips | Top of page

Start Time: 10-Nov-03 10:26:28 GMT
End Time: 15-Nov-03 10:26:28 GMT

Microdot

An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call center employee replied, "Please remain calm sir and stay on the line."

Microdot

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

GBX

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

coolhull

Whenever you feel stupid, remember there are people out there, walking the roads looking for Pokémon.

Microdot

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

Microdot

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing
sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Microdot

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy?

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust.

Microdot

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2017 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

fryup

Your Face wrote: »

Heard this in New York years ago.

A Jew, a Puerto Rican and a Russian walk into an Italian bar:
The bartender says 'Get the fxxk out'

fryup wrote: »

explain

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

The Italian is a racist

oh yes of course LOL LOL LOL LOL :pac:

(:rolleyes:)

Microdot

The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression. "

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

Microdot

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Microdot

A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!"and hangs up.

Her husband rolls over and asks,"Sweetheart, who was that?"

"I don't know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

Microdot

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''

''No,'' roared the colonel.

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.

Your Face

Microdot wrote: »

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''

''No,'' roared the colonel.

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.

Did Jim change his name to Paddy to confuse the colonel?

Microdot

Your Face wrote: »

Did Jim change his name to Paddy to confuse the colonel?

Did you not read the joke? The Colonel doesn't know who is on the line, so how would he be confued.

:P

K.Flyer

Microdot wrote: »

Did you not read the joke? The Colonel doesn't know who is on the line, so how would he be confued.

:P

Maybe Jim answered the phone, then quickly handed the phone to Paddy to answer the query. ..
:P :pac:

Microdot

K.Flyer wrote: »

Maybe Jim answered the phone, then quickly handed the phone to Paddy to answer the query. ..
:P :pac:

Or they could be conjoined twins.

:pac:

Busted Flat.

A pair of bloomers says to the g string I've been up and down but have never been pushed aside.

Galway K9

Microdot wrote: »

A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!"and hangs up.

Her husband rolls over and asks,"Sweetheart, who was that?"

"I don't know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

Heard this before but husband was answering and he was a meteorologist.

Can't be arsed watching the Olympic opening ceremony on Friday.
If I wanted to watch 700 people walking around in tracksuits, I'd go and spend the day in Ballymun.

emeldc

Shock News: Serena Williams fails urine test after Wimbledon Victory.


She couldn't fit her mickey into the bottle

Curly Judge

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for

membership at a local golf club. About a week later he received a

letter that his application had been rejected.

He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, sir, my name is Mac Tavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel

comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates

are different from theirs.

Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the

Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the

Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club

Microdot

The Dublin Parrot.

A bloke buys a Dublin parrot but gets sick of it saying,
"I'm from Dublin and I'm hard as fcuk!" so he puts a kestrel in the cage.
Next morning, he finds the kestrel dead and the parrot says,
"I'm from Dublin and I'm hard as fcuk!" so the bloke puts a golden eagle in the cage.
Next morning, he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers! as he looks in the cage,
the parrot says, "had to take my coat off for that fcuker!"

Microdot

The Dublin Parrot.

A bloke buys a Dublin parrot but gets sick of it saying,
"I'm from Dublin and I'm hard as fcuk!" so he puts a kestrel in the cage.
Next morning, he finds the kestrel dead and the parrot says,
"I'm from Dublin and I'm hard as fcuk!" so the bloke puts a golden eagle in the cage.
Next morning, he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers! as he looks in the cage,
the parrot says, "had to take my coat off for that fcuker!"

StupidLikeAFox

What are you, a parrot?

Calahonda52

Prostate surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital after prostate surgery.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you may remember that prior to the surgery I mentioned I might have to do some nerve paring which would have consequences for having, post op, a full and active sex life.
I had to do some serious nerve paring on both sides, the man groans, but the doctor goes on "however my staff tell me that your health insurance will allow you spend up to €9,000 on whatever you want to help you recover from the side effects of the surgery"

The man perks up, the doctor says, "You must decide how you want the money spent on getting you fully back in the saddle so to speak.

I understand that you have been married for over thirty years so this is something you should discuss with your wife as we don't want her to be disappointed so it's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

Microdot

Did you hear the one about the short sighted circumciser?

He got the sack.