The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar7

Ma wife suggested we use some toys in the bedroom to spice things up a bit.
She wasn't too impressed,the Bitch.

My Scalextric took nearly 2 hours to set up too.

Hagar7

Mafioso boss,Jimmy All Ears (named cos he could hear the grass grow a mile away),contemplated his last ever bank job,so he enlisted his trustworthy companions,Ratatat Pat (named cos he would shoot any copper on site),also got hold of Joe the Skunk (so called cos he could smell out the enemy with just one fart) and Percy the Quiet (so called cos he was deaf and dumb,Jimmy knew he could easily trust him to keep quiet.)

"Right guys,here's the deal,i want The Union Bank robbed pronto,$5 million,$2 mill to yours truly and a mill each,deal?"

All agreed,so the next day the all agreed to meet up after the robbery at Jimmy's house.

After they made their escape,the all went different ways to avoid any suspicion,and 2 hours later they all arrived at Jimmy's house.

Jimmy says "Okay,who has the money?"

They all look at each other quizlingly but nobody says a word especially Percy.

"Okay you guys,get the dosh out now!!!" says Jimmy loudly.

Again,all goes quiet.

Jimmy walks over to Pat,"Am gonna give you 10 seconds to tell me where the dough is,okay."

Pat says,"Bbbbossssssss,i dunno where it is honest bbbbbbbosssssss." bang, dead.

So he goes up to Joe,"Boss,i swear to God,i dunn......bang,dead.

He walks slowly over to Percy who's shaking like a leaf.

"Okay Percy,ya gonna spill the beans aintcha."

Percy shrugs his shoulders and him being dumb doesn't know what to do.

"Right Percy,am gonna fone a specialist who deals in sign language,i want an answer from him or else."

So over comes the fella who can read hand signs and Percy is saying this that and the next thing with his fingers.

Percy then signals to him the dosh is at 246,Eccles Way,Harlem.

"Right,yer time is up buster,what did Percy say,eh?"

'he said you haven't got the guts to kill him.'

Hagar7

Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Rangers fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"

dennyire

Following on from the funeral / wake thread

A guy I knew was stopped b Gardai at a checkpoint.
Have you been drinking?
No.
Is this your car?
Yes
Have you ID?
Yes
Where you going?
Cork

My friend at this stage was getting a bit pissed off and says to Guard: Have you ever been to a quakers wake?
Guard says no, why, what happens?
Well says my friend, what they do is...they cut off his member and nail it above the front door of the wakehouse.
Jasus says the guard, what happens then?
Well everyone who comes in has to pull it before they enter the wake house,
Jaysus sas the guard so hundreds of people are pulling this.. what happens then?
Well says my friend ...when it stretches to 6 foot they send it down to Templemore and put a uniform on it

Uriel.

dennyire wrote: »

Following on from the funeral / wake thread

A guy I knew was stopped b Gardai at a checkpoint.
Have you been drinking?
No.
Is this your car?
Yes
Have you ID?
Yes
Where you going?
Cork

My friend at this stage was getting a bit pissed off and says to Guard: Have you ever been to a quakers wake?
Guard says no, why, what happens?
Well says my friend, what they do is...they cut off his member and nail it above the front door of the wakehouse.
Jasus says the guard, what happens then?
Well everyone who comes in has to pull it before they enter the wake house,
Jaysus sas the guard so hundreds of people are pulling this.. what happens then?
Well says my friend ...when it stretches to 6 foot they send it down to Templemore and put a uniform on it

Jaysus. I think we should burn down templemore so

mynamejeff

the height requirement for the gardai is no longer there

any little prick can apply and i hear they are recruiting

suits cork men apparently

That didn't happen. It's an old one.

dennyire

Deleted User wrote: »

That didn't happen.

Yes it did.....he told me over a few pints

Ken.

Sorry denny, had to merge that in to the joke thread. It's one of the best in a while.

coolhull

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

PaddyWilliams

My girlfriend just accused me of being immature!

I told her to get the fúck out of my secret fort

PaddyWilliams

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

PaddyWilliams

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

Ciaran_B

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Another Larry Gogan one

Q. Where is the Taj Mahal

A. Opposite the dental hospital.



And he got the point because that was the name of an Indian Restaurant which was ...

Variation:

The Great Wall/Crumlin.

Capt'n Midnight

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.



She was only a poteen makers daughter, but he loved her still.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I'm not sure what they were laced with but I've been trippin all day.


What did the pirate pay for his piercings?
A Buccaneer



Where are the Buccaneers?
Under your buccan-hat.




Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!

Capt'n Midnight

Jesus Christ walks in to a motel. He hands the innkeeper three nails and says can you put me up for the night?

Capt'n Midnight

What's the difference between a politician and a Vampire?


One's a soulless abomination against God who preys upon humans for sustenance and is the stuff nightmares are made of, and the other is a vampire



A jewish man goes to see his Rabbi to help him with his marital problems. The man says "Rabbi, my wife is trying to poison me!"
The Rabbi tells him "don't worry, I'll go and talk to her." The next day, the man goes back to the Rabbi and asks him "did you talk to my wife?"
The Rabbi says "yes, we talked for three hours."
The man says "yes? And?"
The Rabbi tells him "take the poison"






There's an inflatable boy who went to an inflatable school, where all the teachers were inflatable, all the students were inflatable, all the buildings were inflatable. Then one day he gets into trouble for bringing a pin to school, and the headmaster says, "You've let me down, you've let yourself down, you've let the whole school down."

Capt'n Midnight

This guy takes his goldfish to the vet and tells him its got epilepsy.
the vet says "it looks calm enough to me."
and yer man says "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

Capt'n Midnight

Q. How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 2, 1-2

foxy farmer

The greatest pickpocket in england meets the greatest pickpocket in france-a woman. They hit it off and after a while they get married. Its not long till they announce a baby is on the way.
This comes as great news and it's suggested that the child will be the greatest pickpocket in Europe.
The expectant mother goes to hospital for the birth but when the child is born their heart sinks when the midwife tells them that the child has a deformity- a tightly clenched right fist.
The baby is brought home and soon the deformity is forgotten. One evening a few months later the father is teasing the child by waving a gold necklace with a diamond encrusted cross. The child puts up his hands to grab it. Suddenly the tightly clenched fist opens and something falls out.
It's the midwifes wedding ring.

Esel

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Q. How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 2, 1-2

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One? (said in a German accent)

eisenberg1

Esel wrote: »

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Q. How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 2, 1-2

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One? (said in a German accent)

Watt?

whiskeyman

Esel wrote: »

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One? (said in a German accent)

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Watt?

I thought it was always more than one German...














Because many Hans make light work



:pac:

eisenberg1

Esel wrote: »

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Q. How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 2, 1-2

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One? (said in a German accent)

Nein.

Capt'n Midnight

A Limerick man goes on Dragons Den and shows them an old shotgun
and gamekeepers pouch. Peter jones says "So whats your idea" ?

The man replies
"Its a very simple concept Peter - just put the money in the f*cking bag"

Capt'n Midnight

whiskeyman wrote: »

Esel wrote:

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One? (said in a German accent

I thought it was always more than one German...

That's because your easily LED.

coolhull

---

Invitation

---

We are holding a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm.

Please let us know if you can't come.......

Microdot

My kids keep making fun of my Alzheimers..
But lets see how the little buggers like it, on Xmas morning when there's No Easter Eggs left under the Bonfire.

iLikeWaffles

A man walks into a library ask the for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian says "Fcuk off you won't bring it back."

coolhull

A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one chocolate bar after another,.
An older man walked up and said: "You shouldn't be eating so much crap, it'll rot your teeth, it's just bad for you to eat so much chocolate."
The little boy looked up and said: "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old."
The older man asked: "Oh? by eating chocolate bars?"
The little boy said: "No... by minding his own fcuking business''