The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Microdot

A son and his dad walk into a bar and the dads says to the son. "What do you want fathead?" The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?" A lady close by says, "why do you keep calling your son fat head". And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over There? Biggest truck in the county. Second. You've got to have a big house. See that house down the street? That's mine, the biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along.

Microdot

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of trying they decided to go to the hospital.
As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s’ young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”

Galway K9

Why did the knacker get sick on the bus?

He was a bad traveller!

If Hilary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other!

If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family!

Realt Dearg Sec

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If Hilary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other!

That we know of.

gramar

Deleted User wrote: »

If Hilary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other!

If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family!

I'm sure George Jr hopped into the bed with George Sr and Barbara as a kid.
At least you'd hope he was a kid.

Winterlong

A Roman walks in to a bar.

He raises two fingers and says to the barman "Five Pints please".

Winterlong

Winterlong wrote: »

A Roman walks in to a bar.

He raises two fingers and says to the barman "Five Pints please"quinque placet sextarios.

fyp :P

dudeeile

Deleted User wrote: »

fyp :P

For your pleasure

byrner88

Anyone that tells you " love is more important than money "


Has clearly never tried paying off a loanshark with a ****ing hug

byrner88

Anyone that tells you " love is more important than money "


Has clearly never tried paying off a loanshark with a ****ing hug

PaddyWilliams

Ever had sex while camping? It's fúcking in tents.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^

aahhh get it now..

fuking "intense" lol

blade1

fryup wrote: »

aahhh get it

fuking intense lol

Yay!! fryup got one!!!:P:pac:

PaddyWilliams

blade1 wrote: »

Yay!! fryup got one!!!:P:pac:

Always an honour when someone gets/understands your joke :D

D_murph

Deleted User wrote: »

........

If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family!

It wont be the first time that he kicked a black family out of their home tho :pac:

Microdot

A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the
interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that."

mbur

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man. "Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Microdot

A bloke walked up to the counter today and asked for burger and fries.
"Certainly Sir, I replied, "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"**** off, you prick," he snapped before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen!

Microdot

Paddy and Mick leave the Zoo covered in blood, Paddy says to Mick "that's the last time i'll let you take me lion dancing!"

Curly Judge

If Hillary Clinton wins the US Presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two US Presidents have slept with each other.

If Donald Trump wins the US Presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

Shannon757

Deleted User wrote: »

If Hilary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other!

If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family!

Curly Judge wrote: »

If Hillary Clinton wins the US Presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two US Presidents have slept with each other.

If Donald Trump wins the US Presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

It was better the first time.

Curly Judge

Shannon757 wrote: »

It was better the first time.

c montgomery

Shannon757 wrote: »

It was better the first time.

That's what your mum said

I bet that if you searched hard enough through this thread, you'll find that most jokes appear several times.

TheRiverman

I think the following slogan was on t shirts during a Donald Trump election rally,
"Hilary sucks,but not like Monica".

Shannon757

Deleted User wrote: »

I bet that if you searched hard enough through this thread, you'll find that most jokes appear several times.

But considering it was posted on the last page...

Glen_Quagmire

Two dyslexics are having a pint in a bar, one turns to the other and says "John can you smell gas?" John says, "smell gas... I can't even smell me own name"

Capt'n Midnight

So 7% of Leaving Cert students failed Maths. Another way of looking at it is that 83% passed. I'm a glass-half-full kind of guy..

MonkieSocks

The head of the Somali Olympic Team has apologised on behalf of their team after realising that shooting & sailing were two separate events.