The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

PaddyWilliams

What do you call a Spanish man with no legs? Grassy Ass.

emeldc

Mod-A bit close to the edge so edited.

iLikeWaffles

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"

"That you kill me first."

super_furry

Two Scottish lesbians - Eileen Over and Ulick McGee.

Hagar7

chughes wrote: »

Leif the Viking returned to his town after a long time away raiding. Not long after his return he discovered that he was no longer on the register of electors. Disgusted, he sent his wife down to the mayor to find out what happened. On discovering this clerical error the mayor was deeply apologetic. "I'm terribly sorry" said the mayor, "I must have taken Leif from my census".

Heyyyyy.

Capt'n Midnight

Guy standing at the edge of the pier - Rod

Guy standing on an escarpment - Cliff

Girl with a kitten and one leg longer than the other - Kathleen

Microdot

glynf wrote: »

Man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool: Bob.


Man with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves: Russell.


Man with no arms and legs in front of a door: Matt.

My mate has no arms or legs! we call him stubby, the other day he stood on a cigarette butt and burned his arse.

Microdot

The writer of 'The Hokey Cokey' song has died, it was a struggle getting him in the coffin,
they put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

TheRiverman

The biggest joke so far this year,the Clare Hurling team sweeper system.

ED E

Microdot wrote: »

The writer of 'The Hokey Cokey' song has died, it was a struggle getting him in the coffin,
they put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

Once a repost always a....

Samsgirl

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the road and turned into a field.

ciapen

There's a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is renowned for producing fine stationery.
Anyway, Munich had a problem --the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and overrunning the city.
So the people of Munich banded together and ran the dogs out of the city. Unfortunately, the dogs appeared in Pfilzerplatz.
The dogs took over everything, and the mayor decided to evacuate the town. The paper mills were shut down, and everyone left.
But a couple days later, the townsfolk, watching their town from the hills,saw smoke rising from the smokestacks.
They knew no humans were left in the town, so they concluded that the dogs had learned to operate the factories.
The mayor hurried to Munich's town hall and pleaded, "You've got to help us!.......The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

ciapen

This guy goes to the Olympics and sees a guy carrying a long pole.

He asks - Are you a pole vaulter?

Guy replies - No I'm German, and my name is Hans.

Realt Dearg Sec

That reminds of this old classic:

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.

Alpha Romeo

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Girl with one leg longer than the other - Eileen.

Girl with legs of the same length - Noleen

Girl standing between two houses - Elaine

Chinese girl with one leg longer than the other - Irene

rjpf1980

Two Kerrymen were sent into space.
The first Kerryman went for a spacewalk.
After half an hour the second Kerryman heard knocking on the door.
"Who's there?"

dusty207

Two guys were out fishing in a boat when a dolphin came along side and flipped a half dead octopus into the boat and went off. One guy said, " what the hell was that all about" and the other guy said, "it's ok, that's the sick squid he owes me"

coolhull

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!"
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to Paddy and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Paddy replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Paddy smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Eph1958

I'd much rather have a bottleinfrontofme than a frontallobotomy.

MonkieSocks

How fast can you say ( and your friends)


"I rattled my bottles in Hollicks' Garden,

in Hollicks' Garden I rattled my bottles?

bnt

Conversation between my wife and me the other day:
"I'm going out shopping, put on your coat and hat".
"Wow, this means I can come shopping with you for once?"
"No, it means I'm turning off the central heating until I get back."

Eph1958

"Hit me.... hit me"......................................said the masochist..........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Noooooo"...............................................said the sadist.

Stigura

This ones best read in an Aussie accent.

Outback radio DJ...

" G'day folks and another day here on Outback radio. Today were gonna play a little word association game, to win a top prize! All you need to do is find a word that's not in the dictionary and put it into a sentence an the best one wins the prize..! "

" Ok folks we got our first caller on line1. G'day, line1? "

" G'day mate. "

" Have you got a word for us?"

" I have mate, the word is garrn. "

" That's a strange word can you spell it? "

" I can mate, its G.A.R.R.N. garrn. "

" Ok, we've checked and its not in the dictionary, so can you put it into a sentence? "

" I can mate, GARRN fcuk yeself..! "



" So sorry about that listeners, we've just had a silly caller on line one. But, not to worry, we've got another caller on line2 ... G'day line2? "

" G'day mate. "

" Now have you got a word for us? "

" I have mate. "

" And what's your word? "

" The word is smee. That's S.M.E.E, smee ."

" Well that's a very strange word. We've checked its not in the dictionary, so can you put it into a sentence for me? "

" I can mate. SMEE again, GARRN fcuk yeself..!!! "

Stigura

This ones best read in an Aussie accent.

Outback radio DJ...

<Snip>

ciapen

Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets of Rome.

One turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before".

The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones".

Hotblack Desiato

Stigura wrote: »

This ones best read in an Aussie accent.

Or maybe Cork... but in fairness Bali is a bit more affordable a prize if the radio station is in Oz.

Realt Dearg Sec

Like when Larry Gogan was doing the just a minute quiz
Larry: "Complete this phrase: as happy as..."
Contestant: "..."
Larry: "think of my name"
Contestant: "a pig in ****!"

StupidLikeAFox

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

Like when Larry Gogan was doing the just a minute quiz
Larry: "Complete this phrase: as happy as..."
Contestant: "..."
Larry: "think of my name"
Contestant: "a pig in ****!"

Another one was:

Larry: Name a town in kildare that sounds like a body part?
Contestant: Kilcock?
Larry:.....no its Athy

chughes

My favourite Larry Gogan answer:

Q. What star do travellers follow?

A. Joe Dolan.

ciapen

The judge said "You really want the jury to believe that you committed this crime

because a pack of black and white, feral animals threatened to kill you if you didn't?"...........


"Yes, your honour", I said "I was badgered into it."