The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

cajonlardo

An Orange Man lay dying.
In a feeble voice he called for his wife.
"Get me the Catholic Parish Priest, hurry now, I've not much time"
When the Priest arrived the Orange man said " Father, I wish to convert to Catholicism before I die" His wife was greatly distressed and ran from the room and phoned the local Orange Lodge. Within minutes there was a knock at the door and Willie and Willie and Willie were let in. They rushed to the Orange man's side. " Willie" one of them cried holding his hand " What on Earth have you done - have your senses left you?" But the dying man with his last strength pulled his friend close and said " Better one of them Papist's die than one of us..........."

Claude Burgundy

What do you call a Mexican leaving hospital...............Manuel

Capt'n Midnight

Another Larry Gogan one

Q. Where is the Taj Mahal

A. Opposite the dental hospital.



And he got the point because that was the name of an Indian Restaurant which was ...

MonkieSocks

Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.

"First body," says the coroner,

"Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.
Hence the Smile,' says the Coroner.

"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the Lottery.
Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile." he says.

The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector.




"He thought he was having his picture taken".

coolhull

Spelling mistakes really annoy me. Just one misplaced letter and your whole post is urined

RayCon

Another Larry Gogan one

Q. Name a bird with a long neck ?

A. Naomi Campbell

Hoovering the house today and doing a mat that has a representation of the solar system on it.
Son walks in and asks, "wot yer doing!"
"Hoovering Uranus" I say.

foxy farmer

What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet roll have in common?
They both fly around Uranus looking for Klingons! !!

Capt'n Midnight

coolhull wrote: »

Spelling mistakes really annoy me.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
It's letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

tc20

another e from Larrys Just a minute Quiz:

Q: name a dangerous race?
A: The Arabs
(it should have been the Grand National)

PaddyWilliams

Stigura wrote: »

This ones best read in an Aussie accent.

Outback radio DJ...

" G'day folks and another day here on Outback radio. Today were gonna play a little word association game, to win a top prize! All you need to do is find a word that's not in the dictionary and put it into a sentence an the best one wins the prize..! "

" Ok folks we got our first caller on line1. G'day, line1? "

" G'day mate. "

" Have you got a word for us?"

" I have mate, the word is garrn. "

" That's a strange word can you spell it? "

" I can mate, its G.A.R.R.N. garrn. "

" Ok, we've checked and its not in the dictionary, so can you put it into a sentence? "

" I can mate, GARRN fcuk yeself..! "



" So sorry about that listeners, we've just had a silly caller on line one. But, not to worry, we've got another caller on line2 ... G'day line2? "

" G'day mate. "

" Now have you got a word for us? "

" I have mate. "

" And what's your word? "

" The word is smee. That's S.M.E.E, smee ."

" Well that's a very strange word. We've checked its not in the dictionary, so can you put it into a sentence for me? "

" I can mate. SMEE again, GARRN fcuk yeself..!!! "

The Cork version has 'GOAN' rather than 'GARRN'


EDIT : Just seen that was already pointed out!

eisenberg1

PaddyWilliams wrote: »

Stigura wrote: »

This ones best read in an Aussie accent.

Outback radio DJ...

" G'day folks and another day here on Outback radio. Today were gonna play a little word association game, to win a top prize! All you need to do is find a word that's not in the dictionary and put it into a sentence an the best one wins the prize..! "

" Ok folks we got our first caller on line1. G'day, line1? "

" G'day mate. "

" Have you got a word for us?"

" I have mate, the word is garrn. "

" That's a strange word can you spell it? "

" I can mate, its G.A.R.R.N. garrn. "

" Ok, we've checked and its not in the dictionary, so can you put it into a sentence? "

" I can mate, GARRN fcuk yeself..! "



" So sorry about that listeners, we've just had a silly caller on line one. But, not to worry, we've got another caller on line2 ... G'day line2? "

" G'day mate. "

" Now have you got a word for us? "

" I have mate. "

" And what's your word? "

" The word is smee. That's S.M.E.E, smee ."

" Well that's a very strange word. We've checked its not in the dictionary, so can you put it into a sentence for me? "

" I can mate. SMEE again, GARRN fcuk yeself..!!! "

The Cork version has 'GOAN' rather than 'GARRN'


EDIT : Just seen that was already pointed out!

When I heard the joke originally, the word was glong.

PaddyWilliams

eisenberg1 wrote: »

When I heard the joke originally, the word was glong.

And that's how Chinese whispers works!

jimbis

What's black & white and eats like a horse?










A Zebra.

Stigura

PaddyWilliams wrote: »

The Cork version has 'GOAN' rather than 'GARRN'

I just lifted it from a brit based forum. It's obviously one of these round robins that go about in email.

I too thought the " Garrn " bit was a bit out. I just couldn't be bothered to alter it. I'd already tidied up a lot of punctuation .....

Funny thing is; I knew I'd heard / read it before. But, I still couldn't stop laughing. Then, when I told my mate, we were both in tears, even as he said I'd told him it a few years ago!

Truly an oldie, but a goody!

numbnutz

I just found out my barber was done for drug dealing today...shocked is not the word...I've been a customer oh his for five years and never knew he was a barber....

iLikeWaffles

numbnutz wrote: »

I just found out my barber was done for drug dealing today...shocked is not the word...I've been a customer oh his for five years and never knew he was a barber....

Funny but make more sense if: a friend told me my barber.....

McChubbin

My mother told me a funny story today that just so happens to be true!

A few years ago, my stepdad's uncle (let's call him Bill) had to attend his brother's funeral but being poor and short of a few shillings, he had no clothing suitable for the funeral. So, relying on the kindness of his friends, Bill pops around to his neighbour (let's call him Bob) and asks "Can I have a suit to bury my brother?"
Bob, being a kind and sympathetic chap, says "Of course! You can have my finest suit!"
So, Bill thanks Bob profusely and off he goes to the church.

About a week or two later, Bill is supping at a quiet pint in his local when Bob walks in. They strike up a conversation and the top turns to the recent funeral. "So"; Bob says to Bill "How'd the funeral go?"

"Oh, sure, it was very sad all the same but t'was a lovely service." says Bill.

Bob nods sagely and then gives Bill an awkward smile. "Hate to be a bug bear but any change I can have me suit back? I've a wedding coming up next week and I need it."

Bill blinks at him. "Suit? What suit?"

"The suit I loaned you for your brother's funeral!"

"Oh! THAT suit! Sure, we buried him in that!"

---

Perhaps me mother tells me better than myself but I was in hysterics when she told me!

lotmc

I've got a letter from An Post saying they will not deliver post to my house any more, as my dog chases the postman on his bike and barks at him.

I'm going to have to take the bike off my dog.

emeldc

iLikeWaffles wrote: »

Funny but make more sense if: a friend told me my barber.....

Maybe a friend did tell him.............isn't that how he found out!

gramar

A friend told me my barber was done for drug dealing today...shocked is not the word...I've been a customer oh his for five years and never knew he was a barber....

it's hilarious now....

Realt Dearg Sec

gramar wrote: »

A friend told me my barber was done for drug dealing today...shocked is not the word...I've been a customer oh his for five years and never knew he was a barber....

it's hilarious now....

I just found out the local barber was done for drug dealing...

blade1

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

I just found out the local barber was done for drug dealing...

Exactly!!!
Doesn't make sense the other way!!!
How can you not know he's a barber if he's your barber?

PaddyWilliams

You have the arse ripped out of that joke now anyways lads. Next!

blade1

PaddyWilliams wrote: »

You have the arse ripped out of that joke now anyways lads. Next!

Your turn Paddy!:D

StupidLikeAFox

“Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.”

ArnoldJRimmer

An Englishmen is on holidays in Australia and gets into a very bad accident. He wakes up in hospital the next day, looks down on his injuries, and thinks, Jesus, am I going to survive this?

The doctor walks in, so he asks, 'Doctor, did I come here to die?'

Doctor replies, ' Nah mate, ya came here yesterday'

shootermacg

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck? If a wood chuck would chuck wood?"
Chuck screamed "How dare you rhyme in the pressence of Chuck Norris?!! DO NOT FCK WITH CHUCK!"
Eleven days, 2 hours and twenty five minutes later, the irony hit him, and, his laugh deafened everyone in an eleven km radius.

PaddyWilliams

Someone stole my Microsoft office. They're gonna suffer for that.

You have my Word.

PaddyWilliams

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey.