What's the etiquette here??

fuerte1976

Former Observer wrote: »

SIDE NOTE: How often, if at all, do you lads spray from both holes at the same time? I find that if it's on the cards, I WILL go down that route.

I'm a stander

Ah here dude.. Few things not adding up in that submission.

I'd say you've been hanging around or watching programmes from the Middle East for too long if you're standing..

Refer to the thread here some few years ago 'AMA I'm an American soldier in Afghanistan'.

It covers lots of things including etiquette in crappers there, and the cleaning up process using your right paw..

That's all we need here now!

EmmetSpiceland

fuerte1976 wrote: »

It covers lots of things including etiquette in crappers there, and the cleaning up process using your right paw..

The right, really? The locals use their left, the “mandy” hand.

This hand is offered when shaking hands with an infidel as they don’t want to offend their “good” hand.

That’s what I was told anyway. I did, however, see a documentary about “radical” English, white, Muslims and one of them would only shake hands with his own brother with his left hand.

fuerte1976

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

fuerte1976 wrote: »

It covers lots of things including etiquette in crappers there, and the cleaning up process using your right paw..

The right, really? The locals use their left, the “mandy” hand.

This hand is offered when shaking hands with an infidel as they don’t want to offend their “good” hand.

That’s what I was told anyway. I did, however, see a documentary about “radical” English, white, Muslims and one of them would only shake hands with his own brother with his left hand.

Left, right I honestly can't remember
It doesn't matter what hand!
It's all wrong. 😂

Brendan Bendar

This cleaning stuff is really serious though.

Was at the club recently, tee off time 0849, medal strokes.

Was a bit nervous and had taken on some hefty steaks the night before.

Got a severe ‘bolt’ in the bilges so decided time to blow out the tubes.

Plenty of time, into the latrine, and there’s Agnatha mopping the floor and not a stir out of her, just mopping away.

Hadn’t time to think, kept the had down, into the trap, slapped the lock closed and opened the floodgates like a Harley taking off from the traffic lights.

Blew sour sludge over most of the pan and finished with a thunderous fart that would wake the dead.

Cleaned up, flushed, not too successful, and out......Agnatha still there!!!

Shanked the first drive into the trees on the left sand played s***e golf for the round

Dreading meeting Agnatha again......

gerrybbadd

Not to worry Bren, i'd say when you left, she had a twinkle in her eye, to go with the twitch in her nostril

"Der goos reel man, nut afraid to shu me hoos boss, yes?"

I'd say she was delighted and flattered that you were comfortable enough in her prescense to let her see you "at your worst"

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

This cleaning stuff is really serious though.

Was at the club recently, tee off time 0849, medal strokes.

Was a bit nervous and had taken on some hefty steaks the night before.

Got a severe ‘bolt’ in the bilges so decided time to blow out the tubes.

Plenty of time, into the latrine, and there’s Agnatha mopping the floor and not a stir out of her, just mopping away.

Hadn’t time to think, kept the had down, into the trap, slapped the lock closed and opened the floodgates like a Harley taking off from the traffic lights.

Blew sour sludge over most of the pan and finished with a thunderous fart that would wake the dead.

Cleaned up, flushed, not too successful, and out......Agnatha still there!!!

Shanked the first drive into the trees on the left sand played s***e golf for the round

Dreading meeting Agnatha again......

McIlroy must have had a similar encounter before his disastrous opening round. I’d say young Shane Lowry was shunting out long smooth logs all weekend. You don’t pitch and chip like that with unstable rounds in the chamber. I’d say he’s struggling this week though - on the porter and carvery dinners since Monday by all accounts.

Sharp MZ700

If it was Stableford the urge might not have been so bad. A lot to be said for a roll of 3ply in the bag at all times.

Happened to me on the back 9 of Killarney 3 years ago, felt a welling in the lower bowl on the 12th, continued on but by the time I holed out I'd no choice but to dive into the undergrowth and release the pressure off my sphincter.

Only then in my haste did I twig two things, I'd no toilet roll and I had company in a fallow deer who had been monitoring progress so to speak. I sorted things out with an old Masters towel I'd won in some pub outing, but I'll never forget the look in that deer's eye as I made my way back to the next tee, twas fair rank and I had shìt on his front door.
"Get out you durrty ghoulbag" is what I imagine he was thinking.

Former Observer

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Ah here dude.. Few things not adding up in that submission.

What now? :mad:

It's well known in here that I never sit in public facilities. Firstly, I do not want to put my body within touching distance of grotesque anal flora, micro-bacteria, and human detritus (flaked skin, pubic hair, shavings of mucus and spatters of bowel juice) that collect around the rims and precipices of the toilet.

Secondly, and most importantly, and I have gone into this point at length earlier in the thread, I will never, ever allow my trousers to collect around my ankles chaffing up against daisy-chains of multicolored pubes, anal drippings, droplets of urine, rogue globs of smegma, remnants of filthy toilet tissue, hardened granules of oily human gunk, anus film (film of skin that covers purse lips but is sometimes "shed" during emissions), sheathes of wax and hair follicles, and pimpleheads torn away as people scratch their legs in the toilet.

And that is before we discuss pests, lice, and burying insects.

You might think I'm being sensationalistic but I'm not. By doing what you're doing you are populating your trousers and socks with many of the above mentioned items every single time you spit out a loaf of dung. Transfer is inevitable. If I have a phobia it is this, and I caution you gentleman to think twice before letting your trousers sit slackly around your ankles touching up against the bowl etc. etc.

EmmetSpiceland

I used to hover when using public “conveniences”, as well, F but it got too tough on the old thighs.

These days I’d give the seat a good “wipe” and then “paper” down around the seat and then I’m good to “touch down”.

I do understand where you’re coming from but it’s just a lot more comfortable than straining and sweating before you’ve even commenced “proceedings”.

As for only dropping your trousers to “half mast”? I can’t get behind that.

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I used to hover when using public “conveniences”, as well, F but it got too tough on the old thighs.

These days I’d give the seat a good “wipe” and then “paper” down around the seat and then I’m good to “touch down”.

I do understand where you’re coming from but it’s just a lot more comfortable than straining and sweating before you’ve even commenced “proceedings”.

As for only dropping your trousers to “half mast”? I can’t get behind that.

Dropping your trousers to half mast is fraught with danger.

Did it back in the day before an important interview for a very senior position.

Hit the latrine, the good suit on, looking superb, dropped the strides to half mast to prevent any ‘contamination’ forward 45 degrees, align the muzzle and squeeze the trigger.


Out flew a fawn solid baton of shiny midden, cleared ground zero, and dropped toward the waiting pan.

Hopped off the waistband and belt of the strides and luckily bounced into the pan.


‘In off the crossbar’ I believe is the term used.

Never did it again.

Former Observer

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

These days I’d give the seat a good “wipe” and then “paper” down around the seat and then I’m good to “touch down”

Yes and let me guess, you use the "reach around" method to wipe down your spaghetti hoop too don't you? Thereby not only getting chite and piss and dried skin and pubes all over your trousers (what do you wear, slacks?), but also filth and flecks of scum around the edge of your shirt sleeves too?

It's really too much for me to bear thinking about. I have a knot in my stomach thinking about you.

fuerte1976

Former Observer wrote: »

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Ah here dude.. Few things not adding up in that submission.

What now? :mad:

It's well known in here that I never sit in public facilities. Firstly, I do not want to put my body within touching distance of grotesque anal flora, micro-bacteria, and human detritus (flaked skin, pubic hair, shavings of mucus and spatters of bowel juice) that collect around the rims and precipices of the toilet.

Secondly, and most importantly, and I have gone into this point at length earlier in the thread, I will never, ever allow my trousers to collect around my ankles chaffing up against daisy-chains of multicolored pubes, anal drippings, droplets of urine, rogue globs of smegma, remnants of filthy toilet tissue, hardened granules of oily human gunk, anus film (film of skin that covers purse lips but is sometimes "shed" during emissions), sheathes of wax and hair follicles, and pimpleheads torn away as people scratch their legs in the toilet.

And that is before we discuss pests, lice, and burying insects.

You might think I'm being sensationalistic but I'm not. By doing what you're doing you are populating your trousers and socks with many of the above mentioned items every single time you spit out a loaf of dung. Transfer is inevitable. If I have a phobia it is this, and I caution you gentleman to think twice before letting your trousers sit slackly around your ankles touching up against the bowl etc. etc.

Alright, alright don't ate me 😂

Try taking your kaks off completely before you assume the position and avoid cross pollination. Deep breaths needed here. Inhale and exhale through whatever orifice you choose!

fuerte1976

Magnificent reply might I add!

EmmetSpiceland

Former Observer wrote: »

Yes and let me guess, you use the "reach around" method to wipe down your spaghetti hoop too don't you? Thereby not only getting chite and piss and dried skin and pubes all over your trousers (what do you wear, slacks?), but also filth and flecks of scum around the edge of your shirt sleeves too?

It's really too much for me to bear thinking about. I have a knot in my stomach thinking about you.

What method of “wipe” are you using, if not the “reach around”, F? You going “under the bridge”? I’ve heard it’s the most efficient in terms of cleaning but you’re leaving yourself open to “píssy hand”, “stained barse” or the dreaded “sac smear”.

I think it might be best if each of us focused on our own “actions” as we’re liable to give ourselves ulcers. I’m still trying to wrap my head around your auld lad “over-applying” that steroid cream, directly, to your hoop. I haven’t forgotten.

Former Observer

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

What method of “wipe” are you using, if not the “reach around”, F? You going “under the bridge”?

I was talking about side access, lifting the leg, and 'reaching around' with a small quantity of tissue paper pinched between your thumb and index finger.

Horrible practice and you risk 'clipping' your hoop with a half-inch of finger meat or god-forbid a jagged piece of nail releasing anal debris onto your shirt sleeves.

As you can imagine, I stand slightly hunched over, circumspect, like a man about to climb on a piebald pony with buck teeth and a massive writhing dong, legs well spread, belt and trousers fallen no lower than the knee, and with generous quantities of triple velvet I 'go at' the area patiently and gently.

JohnnyFlash

Gentlemen, we shouldn’t let emotions run high here. This is a very civilised and important thread - almost certainly the most important thread this site has ever seen. The honesty here about something almost everyone in the world does at least once daily (excluding some of the more ‘bound up’ individuals in the Current Affairs forum) is refreshing. The difficulties, the doubts, the close calls, the bad timing, the uncontrollable outburst of joy when you have the once or twice in a lifetime occurrence of the ‘ghost’ or ‘Jesus dump’.

Pintman Paddy Losty

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Gentlemen, we shouldn’t let emotions run high here. This is a very civilised and important thread - almost certainly the most important thread this site has ever seen. The honesty here about something almost everyone in the world does at least once daily (excluding some of the more ‘bound up’ individuals in the Current Affairs forum) is refreshing. The difficulties, the doubts, the close calls, the bad timing, the uncontrollable outburst of joy when you have the once or twice in a lifetime occurrence of the ‘ghost’ or ‘Jesus dump’.

Peaks and troughs though Johnny boy. Sure we need to celebrate the elusive magics or when you get carte blanche on the first wipe... But there's terrible times too and it's important to give them their due attention.

The extremely sticky tar-like scutter that feel like your wiping a felt marker pen after over doing it on Arthur's magical medicine.

The hot spicy acidic sprays that really test the integrity of the ring piece after being the big man and ordering the lamb vindaloo extra spicy.

The small round rabbit pellets that only plop forth in to the world with red-faced exertion and loud grunts. A lot of push for not much return.

This thread is as much a support group for those in need of sage words of wisdom from incontenants like Brendan as it is a celebration of the solid brown logs sluicing out the tea towel holder with graceful aplomb.

JohnnyFlash

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Peaks and troughs though Johnny boy. Sure we need to celebrate the elusive magics or when you get carte blanche on the first wipe... But there's terrible times too and it's important to give them their due attention.

The extremely sticky tar-like scutter that feel like your wiping a felt marker pen after over doing it on Arthur's magical medicine.

The hot spicy acidic sprays that really test the integrity of the ring piece after being the big man and ordering the lamb vindaloo extra spicy.

The small round rabbit pellets that only plop forth in to the world with red-faced exertion and loud grunts. A lot of push for not much return.

This thread is as much a support group for those in need of sage words of wisdom from incontenants like Brendan as it is a celebration of the solid brown logs sluicing out the tea towel holder with graceful aplomb.

Beautiful stuff, Paddy. Brought a tear to my cynical eye.

Cookie_Monster

Anyone ever been to the Scout Centre at Lough Dan?

Was a warden there years and years ago, it had closed down for a while and we were prepping for re-opening weekend and myself and another drew short straw on having to clean out the mens toilet block.

While the campsite may have been closed it became clear the block itslef had been left unlocked and had been used continually for the intervening period. To be fair it wasn't the worst I've ever seen (Bullock Harbour public toilets) and a hose took care of everything bar the traps. Enter the thrones themselves... The water had been off for some time but that didn't dissuade any of the mystery punters who'd called. One in particular, third one in I believe it was, had chite stacked up well above the rim. No sign of paper at all, just a perfectly centred pyramid in shades of brown and grren with the odd stick left at a jaunty angle.

No hope of flushing even with tanks back to maximum, the only solution was shovel and bucket! Now scooping out midden on the end of a spade is no fun at all but at least the stuff is easy to access and in place long enough for the worst of the smell to have faded to a tolerable level. Once cleared down to the level the shovel could fit we were able to flush again, and that was that we though, a mighty flush to dislodge the dregs and solve all our problems. Mistake big time: the solid layer was having none of it and stayed firmly ensconced and overflow ensued, brown waves flowing down the porcelain and spreading everywhere.

So we thought break it with a stick and that'll help but that only resulted in chunks overflowing, with the solid mass clearly having being compacted down through the u-bend with the continued heaping on top that had taken place. Next thought was hose it from a distance but we decided not to risk pressure spraying it everywhere and having to start the whole cleaning job over from the top, but with ladders for the ceiling this time. I think in the end we were down to pushing the hose around the u-bend trying to unblock it (without the water pressure of course), not the easiest with a flexible implement and an excessive high water level threatening the unwary hand. Victory was had in the end, but at what cost to soul.

Never volunteer to warden campsites folks unless you're at the top!!

tgdaly

Happy 2,000 posts lads. Hoping you all have good brown logs today

Ush1

Oul fella was doing some plumbing work in my gaff while the wife and kids are away for the week. I was in work most of the week so hadn't used the downstairs jax until yesterday and fook me the suprise I got.

A huge clump of a turd sitting in the bowl, stweing in p*ss which had turned a greeny brown, such was the length it was left there. Forensically it had defo been left for a least 2 days, which would tie in with when he was doing the work. I could tell this as I could the the "fibres" of the sh*te were separating and pulled apart.

Didn't help that I had blocked the vent in small jax last winter cause of the draft. Hot, small jax with no ventilation plus a retired plumber who hits the porter five nights a week deposits equals no bueno!

Needed three full power flushes in the end.:mad:

Hector Savage

jesus lads in a bad way here .... in a meeting (online) but in a bad ****ing way ... don't think I can bail out till I speak ....... can feel the turtles head pushing through ...........................................................

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Gentlemen, we shouldn’t let emotions run high here. This is a very civilised and important thread - almost certainly the most important thread this site has ever seen. The honesty here about something almost everyone in the world does at least once daily (excluding some of the more ‘bound up’ individuals in the Current Affairs forum) is refreshing. The difficulties, the doubts, the close calls, the bad timing, the uncontrollable outburst of joy when you have the once or twice in a lifetime occurrence of the ‘ghost’ or ‘Jesus dump’.

The testimonials from the people in this thread are straight from the heart. It takes a brave soul to put pen to paper and document these travails.

Perhaps this thread should be moved to Personal Issues?

I might message a mod to 'test the waters.'

Hector Savage

Just made it to the jax and deposited a nice load of baby eels into the pewter palace.

The relief and lightness I feel is so refreshing!!

Former Observer

Hector Savage wrote: »

Just made it to the jax and deposited a nice load of baby eels into the pewter palace.

The relief and lightness I feel is so refreshing!!

Good man. Have a powerful day.

Aglomerado

tgdaly wrote: »

Happy 2,000 posts lads. Hoping you all have good brown logs today

One done so far today in the comfort of my own home. A good start to Friday.... I don't always go first thing in the morning.

Utter Consternation

Former Observer wrote: »

Good man. Have a powerful day.

Real life affirming stuff here today.

Other lesser echelons of boards could do with taking note.

Former Observer

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Real life affirming stuff here today.

Other lesser echelons of boards could do with taking note.

Indeed. I realise I brought a little bit of negativity to the community yesterday, and for that I duly apologise. To be honest I’ve been feeling rather feverish for a while now and am prone to the odd mood swing and delusion. Keep seeing minor celebrities and sports personalities ascending the elevators in shopping centres or getting eight euro sandwiches in O’Brien’s.

It’s important we foster a caring supportive community for the important work that is being done here by all researchers. Have a great day guys!

Sharp MZ700

Just back from the firing range there now, riddled the target heavily truth be told.
Wasn't a great start as I settled in, like as if someone pulled the power on an elevator shaft the"lift" just got stuck on the ground floor and the doors shut solid.
That didn't deter me as I braced myself and took up the old discus thrower position, one hand on the handle of the door,the other on the rim and heaved for all I was worth.
Like a mole breaking ground the plug came unstuck and what followed was pure and utter euphoria as a stream of nutty brown butter tinged with just the right hint of Tabasco (pizza 2 nights ago) eased past into the bowl.
I even got the old shudder of the anus flaps as I finished up, but then the smell rose up to meet me. Christ twas worse than a knackery truck on a summer's day. I got the hell out of Dodge as fast as I could.
All the better for it now I can face the day head on without that load below deck.

Hector Savage

tgdaly wrote: »

Happy 2,000 posts lads. Hoping you all have good brown logs today

Is there a way to get a word count on a thread ?
be interesting to know what novel is this comparable to now ??