What's the etiquette here??

JohnnyFlash

Had the 'yankee cousins' over in Ireland for the past few days. Fúckers own half of Connecticut - definitely not short of money. Spent the first few days in Kerry - played Waterville, Dooks, and Ballybunion. Massive spread for the breakfast each morning, a heap of pints each evening; racks of lamb, roast duck, rib-eye steaks the size of your fúcking bonce for dinner, bottles of pricey red wine to bate the band. Some of my movements on Friday and Saturday were sludgy enough, but I must say the toilet paper in the hotel we were staying in was the most luxurious I've ever used to clean my hoop - thick and soft. Like wiping your arse with a kitten. I followed it up with some Sudocream, and had no major irritation to speak of apart from a vicious case of itch while standing on the 11th tee in Waterville - used a golf tee to poke at it, but I was half wishing there was some way you could use the golf ball washer to really get in there and provide the level of relief required.

Got a helicopter up to Portrush yesterday (I didn't pay for it), and it certainly didn't help with my digestive issues. Started to crown over Monaghan, and was going to open the door and crop dust parts of rural Tyrone at one stage. Very bad. The helicopter had barely touched down and I was out the door and running towards a portaloo I had spotted during the descent. Fúcking thing was locked. I was hopping back and forth outside it waiting for whatever cúnt who was using it to emerge. At least another minute passed, and I was getting extremely worried that I'd be ditching the chinos and undercrackers, and having to use the wet gear for the rest of the day.

One of those portly American fúckers emerged (all American golf fans look like Phil Mickelson) , and I knew then that my nostrils were soon going to be assaulted with a bang of midden that would knock a dray horse (Yankee shítes have a very acidic and unnatural hum off them - all that corn syrup, sunflower oil, and other highly processed food plays havoc with their digestive system). Absolutely foul fumes hit me as I closed the door, dropped the wet trousers, chinos, and Calvins. Warm seat on the portaloo. Violent and sudden discharge that coated the entire 'loo'. Miserable 2-ply paper to clean up. Then used that handle thing to flush the mess away. Just wasn't up to the task - the chemical mixture was only washing away the bottom third of the spread. Gave up the task and headed out to the corporate entertainment area to meet the cousins - finished the clean-up operation in the far better appointed facilities there. Felt a bit nauseous for the rest of the day though.

Bit itchy and raw all afternoon, but I could get a good 'claw' at it by pretending I was adjusting my wet gear. Great to see young Lowry win - couldn't happen to a nicer fella, and I'd say he'll be dropping a girthy shíte himself later this morning.

Hector Savage

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Had the 'yankee cousins' over in Ireland for the past few days. Fúckers own half of Connecticut - definitely not short of money. Spent the first few days in Kerry - played Waterville, Dooks, and Ballybunion. Massive spread for the breakfast each morning, a heap of pints each evening; racks of lamb, roast duck, rib-eye steaks the size of your fúcking bonce for dinner, bottles of pricey red wine to bate the band. Some of my movements on Friday and Saturday were sludgy enough, but I must say the toilet paper in the hotel we were staying in was the most luxurious I've ever used to clean my hoop - thick and soft. Like wiping your arse with a kitten. I followed it up with some Sudocream, and had no major irritation to speak of apart from a vicious case of itch while standing on the 11th tee in Waterville - used a golf tee to poke at it, but I was half wishing there was some way you could use the golf ball washer to really get in there and provide the level of relief required.

Got a helicopter up to Portrush yesterday (I didn't pay for it), and it certainly didn't help with my digestive issues. Started to crown over Monaghan, and was going to open the door and crop dust parts of rural Tyrone at one stage. Very bad. The helicopter had barely touched down and I was out the door and running towards a portaloo I had spotted during the descent. Fúcking thing was locked. I was hopping back and forth outside it waiting for whatever cúnt who was using it to emerge. At least another minute passed, and I was getting extremely worried that I'd be ditching the chinos and undercrackers, and having to use the wet gear for the rest of the day.

One of those portly American fúckers emerged (all American golf fans look like Phil Mickelson) , and I knew then that my nostrils were soon going to be assaulted with a bang of midden that would knock a dray horse (Yankee shítes have a very acidic and unnatural hum off them - all that corn syrup, sunflower oil, and other highly processed food plays havoc with their digestive system). Absolutely foul fumes hit me as I closed the door, dropped the wet trousers, chinos, and Calvins. Warm seat on the portaloo. Violent and sudden discharge that coated the entire 'loo'. Miserable 2-ply paper to clean up. Then used that handle thing to flush the mess away. Just wasn't up to the task - the chemical mixture was only washing away the bottom third of the spread. Gave up the task and headed out to the corporate entertainment area to meet the cousins - finished the clean-up operation in the far better appointed facilities there. Felt a bit nauseous for the rest of the day though.

Bit itchy and raw all afternoon, but I could get a good 'claw' at it by pretending I was adjusting my wet gear. Great to see young Lowry win - couldn't happen to a nicer fella, and I'd say he'll be dropping a girthy shíte himself later this morning.

Jaysus JF Helicopters to Portrush !
The boom is well and truly back.

So whats Kerry like, is it like the 51st state of the USA ?
I am afraid to go back there to be honest ...

gerrybbadd

Proud man myself this morning, and ne'r a helicopter in sight.

A solid week of well, solid movements. It's like Xmas morning here however.

I've just dispensed with a mighty specimin. It must have been 10 inches in length, without a word of a lie. I looked into the bottom of the pot, and it was identical to a butcher's counter roll of black pudding, doubled over on itself, and of similar girth. Best of all, minimal wipage required. Granted, i had to do the waddle of shame to get to the jacks, the baby was arriving breech, so out i flew with the odd squeak emerging from the cheek region. It's about the only time i move fast these days

jem

mfceiling wrote: »

Lads I've been diagnosed with a hernia. Have to see a specialist in a few weeks.
Going to require an operation "down there".

What's the recommendation for taking the thatch off the twig and berries? Won't be arriving into hospital and letting some random porter have a field day with a pair of scissors and a blunt mach 3.
Need to make sure that Fagan and the 2 Muldoons are like Kojak's head when it comes to scalpel time.

First of all be very careful
Nice bath
and take your time
New razor
Trim then shave
slow is good.
Rush is bad

fuerte1976

Hector Savage wrote: »

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Had the 'yankee cousins' over in Ireland for the past few days. Fúckers own half of Connecticut - definitely not short of money. Spent the first few days in Kerry - played Waterville, Dooks, and Ballybunion. Massive spread for the breakfast each morning, a heap of pints each evening; racks of lamb, roast duck, rib-eye steaks the size of your fúcking bonce for dinner, bottles of pricey red wine to bate the band. Some of my movements on Friday and Saturday were sludgy enough, but I must say the toilet paper in the hotel we were staying in was the most luxurious I've ever used to clean my hoop - thick and soft. Like wiping your arse with a kitten. I followed it up with some Sudocream, and had no major irritation to speak of apart from a vicious case of itch while standing on the 11th tee in Waterville - used a golf tee to poke at it, but I was half wishing there was some way you could use the golf ball washer to really get in there and provide the level of relief required.

Got a helicopter up to Portrush yesterday (I didn't pay for it), and it certainly didn't help with my digestive issues. Started to crown over Monaghan, and was going to open the door and crop dust parts of rural Tyrone at one stage. Very bad. The helicopter had barely touched down and I was out the door and running towards a portaloo I had spotted during the descent. Fúcking thing was locked. I was hopping back and forth outside it waiting for whatever cúnt who was using it to emerge. At least another minute passed, and I was getting extremely worried that I'd be ditching the chinos and undercrackers, and having to use the wet gear for the rest of the day.

One of those portly American fúckers emerged (all American golf fans look like Phil Mickelson) , and I knew then that my nostrils were soon going to be assaulted with a bang of midden that would knock a dray horse (Yankee shítes have a very acidic and unnatural hum off them - all that corn syrup, sunflower oil, and other highly processed food plays havoc with their digestive system). Absolutely foul fumes hit me as I closed the door, dropped the wet trousers, chinos, and Calvins. Warm seat on the portaloo. Violent and sudden discharge that coated the entire 'loo'. Miserable 2-ply paper to clean up. Then used that handle thing to flush the mess away. Just wasn't up to the task - the chemical mixture was only washing away the bottom third of the spread. Gave up the task and headed out to the corporate entertainment area to meet the cousins - finished the clean-up operation in the far better appointed facilities there. Felt a bit nauseous for the rest of the day though.

Bit itchy and raw all afternoon, but I could get a good 'claw' at it by pretending I was adjusting my wet gear. Great to see young Lowry win - couldn't happen to a nicer fella, and I'd say he'll be dropping a girthy shíte himself later this morning.

Jaysus JF Helicopters to Portrush !
The boom is well and truly back.

So whats Kerry like, is it like the 51st state of the USA ?
I am afraid to go back there to be honest ...

I can assure you WITH prejudice, that Kerry is magnificent..

Hector Savage

fuerte1976 wrote: »

I can assure you WITH prejudice, that Kerry is magnificent..

It is, I used to go every year as a kid, and they were the best holidays of my life!
I remember lots of space, I am terrified of going there to find buses after buses after buses and every bit of coastline swamped by fat americans with selfie sticks.

Think I'll wait for the next financial crash to go.

Anyway, back on topic - some f*cker left a floater the size of a bowling bawl in trap #2 this morning, no excuses, how can one not notice ???

Brendan Bendar

Hector Savage wrote: »

It is, I used to go every year as a kid, and they were the best holidays of my life!
I remember lots of space, I am terrified of going there to find buses after buses after buses and every bit of coastline swamped by fat americans with selfie sticks.

Think I'll wait for the next financial crash to go.

Anyway, back on topic - some f*cker left a floater the size of a bowling bawl in trap #2 this morning, no excuses, how can one not notice ???

Like a Labradors head ,was it?

Obrieski

What do the members of this fine forum thread make of men openly farting whilst doing their business at the urinal?

Lad in work with me, you know the type: IT nerd, mid 40s, rotund, big rosy cheeks, sweaty hoor, literally has worn the same shirt everyday for the past 2 months (Wouldn't usually notice this on other people but have had my eye on this guy due to his toilet etiquette) etc etc!

Twice now have had the unfortunate timing to be in the bathroom at the same time, myself at urinal 1 and him at number 3 - no issues, proper etiquette being observed if slightly uncomfortable.

**Now before I go on, I must stress, we don't have any hand dryer in our toilets, just tissue dispensers so no opportunity to attempt to 'mask' unpleasant sounds.**

Anyway, as I said, on 2 separate occasions, this filthy kernt has let off long, loud, smelly arse blasts and not even a murmur of apology or even a little chuckle or cheeky comment. Stone silence.
Once I can forgive, but twice...absolutely no need. Walk by this lad out on the office floor at least 10 times a day, I can't look him in the eye anymore.

I'm also aware that whilst emptying the urethra, the rear muscles can 'loosen', but for me, in work, this is unforgivable.

gerrybbadd

Unforgivable. Happens all the time in my place of work too.

I usually let out a big sigh followed by 3 good loud "tuts" to voice my disapproval. That doesn't be long puckering the pipe on these chancers.

Utter Consternation

Obrieski wrote: »

What do the members of this fine forum thread make of men openly farting whilst doing their business at the urinal?

Lad in work with me, you know the type: IT nerd, mid 40s, rotund, big rosy cheeks, sweaty hoor, literally has worn the same shirt everyday for the past 2 months (Wouldn't usually notice this on other people but have had my eye on this guy due to his toilet etiquette) etc etc!

Twice now have had the unfortunate timing to be in the bathroom at the same time, myself at urinal 1 and him at number 3 - no issues, proper etiquette being observed if slightly uncomfortable.

**Now before I go on, I must stress, we don't have any hand dryer in our toilets, just tissue dispensers so no opportunity to attempt to 'mask' unpleasant sounds.**

Anyway, as I said, on 2 separate occasions, this filthy kernt has let off long, loud, smelly arse blasts and not even a murmur of apology or even a little chuckle or cheeky comment. Stone silence.
Once I can forgive, but twice...absolutely no need. Walk by this lad out on the office floor at least 10 times a day, I can't look him in the eye anymore.

I'm also aware that whilst emptying the urethra, the rear muscles can 'loosen', but for me, in work, this is unforgivable.

What's your location when the bombs are being dropped? If you are side by side at the urinal this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

If you are in a stall the farter may not be aware of your presence and therefore does not have a shyness in the sphincter department and decide it is ok to let rip.

A grey area that is worthy of further debate.

Aglomerado

Utter Consternation wrote: »

What's your location when the bombs are being dropped? If you are side by side at the urinal this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

If you are in a stall the farter may not be aware of your presence and therefore does not have a shyness in the sphincter department and decide it is ok to let rip.

A grey area that is worthy of further debate.

At least in the wimmins' jacks we have the anonymity of stalls if we let one rip... we just wait for any other occupants to leave before emerging so as to conceal our identities.

Former Observer

Oh lads I'm in a bad way. Had a can of bachelor beans with half a bulb of garlic chopped in last night and some chilli thrown in too, along with eight bottles of Guinness Foreign Extra. My stomach is convulsing, and warm, putrid farts are building up one after the other. I feel like there is a rope running through my bowels being slowly twisted. I've had to leave my desk a couple of times already and it is manky, depressing, stinking, swampy stuff. Black slime with what looks like soggy half eaten cheerios floating beneath the surface (I don't eat Cheerios). Not a happy man and I can feel it twitching now again.

Utter Consternation

Former Observer wrote: »

Oh lads I'm in a bad way. Had a can of bachelor beans with half a bulb of garlic chopped in last night and some chilli thrown in too, along with eight bottles of Guinness Foreign Extra. My stomach is convulsing, and warm, putrid farts are building up one after the other. I feel like there is a rope running through my bowels being slowly twisted. I've had to leave my desk a couple of times already and it is manky, depressing, stinking, swampy stuff. Black slime with what looks like soggy half eaten cheerios floating beneath the surface (I don't eat Cheerios). Not a happy man and I can feel it twitching now again.

Were you actively trying to blow the hole off yourself?

Sounds like a classic bachelors dinner too.

Aglomerado

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Were you actively trying to blow the hole off yourself?

Sounds like a classic bachelors dinner too.

I'd say his hoop is glowing in the dark after that lot. It could guide ships into port.

Utter Consternation

Aglomerado wrote: »

I'd say his hoop is glowing in the dark after that lot. It could guide ships into port.

An interesting concoction. His guts must have been bubbling like a fcuking witches cauldron.

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Were you actively trying to blow the hole off yourself?

Sounds like a classic bachelors dinner too.

Poor bastard probably ate the beans out of the can while sitting on a mouldy couch in a cold-water bedsit.

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Poor bastard probably ate the beans out of the can while sitting on a mouldy couch in a cold-water bedsit.

Heated up on a single ring hob and wearing a damp duffel coat.

Obrieski

Utter Consternation wrote: »

What's your location when the bombs are being dropped? If you are side by side at the urinal this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

If you are in a stall the farter may not be aware of your presence and therefore does not have a shyness in the sphincter department and decide it is ok to let rip.

A grey area that is worthy of further debate.

As mentioned UC, we are both at the urinals, at the same time. I'm at #1, he's at #3...a mere 3 yards between us

gerrybbadd

Obrieski wrote: »

As mentioned UC, we are both at the urinals, at the same time. I'm at #1, he's at #3...a mere 3 yards between us

And not even a bit of witty banter to break the tension? You should have told him you'd cork his big hole for him the next time. I'd say there were skidders left in the jocks that were reminisant of Sega Rally's dirt track on the PS3 back in the day

Utter Consternation

Obrieski wrote: »

As mentioned UC, we are both at the urinals, at the same time. I'm at #1, he's at #3...a mere 3 yards between us

I thought we lived in an apparently civil society until I heard this.

Shocking behaviour.

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I thought we lived in an apparently civil society until I heard this.

Shocking behaviour.

Why? If I was at urinal 1 and someone is at urinal 3 then there’s absolutely no issue with letting a fücking ripper go. Certainly better than making small talk about ‘the football’.

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Why? If I was at urinal 1 and someone is at urinal 3 then there’s absolutely no issue with letting a fücking ripper go. Certainly better than making small talk about ‘the football’.

The lack of ice breaker is what i was referring to JF.

It's very rude to drop a bomb and not make a remark such as 'Who stepped on the duck?' or 'there's atin' and drinking in that one.'

gerrybbadd

Utter Consternation wrote: »

The lack of ice breaker is what i was referring to JF.

It's very rude to drop a bomb and not make a remark such as 'Who stepped on the duck?' or 'there's atin' and drinking in that one.'

This is the correct course of action.

Christ, even a " Better out than in" would suffice. No need to even get inventive. But dropping the guts into the slacks, and saying nothing? An animal wouldn't do it, you'd at least get a baa or a moo, or a woof woof

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

The lack of ice breaker is what i was referring to JF.

It's very rude to drop a bomb and not make a remark such as 'Who stepped on the duck?' or 'there's atin' and drinking in that one.'

I would have taken that as a given, UC. A witty follow up to a good loud fart is a comedy classic.

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I would have taken that as a given, UC. A witty follow up to a good loud fart is a comedy classic.

Ass-umptions make an ass of u and me, JF.

A stressful bit of company time this morning. In the trap midway through the task at hand and in comes the cleaner. She starts mopping the floor even though a few traps are occupied, sticking the mop under the doors as far as she could reach it. A horrid intrusion in the daily ritual, ruined my morning.

JohnnyFlash

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A stressful bit of company time this morning. In the trap midway through the task at hand and in comes the cleaner. She starts mopping the floor even though a few traps are occupied, sticking the mop under the doors as far as she could reach it. A horrid intrusion in the daily ritual, ruined my morning.

Jesus Christ, that’s disgraceful. Is she from a contract agency? Escalate this immediately, and hopefully she’ll be immediately dismissed. Just not good enough.

Utter Consternation

Deleted User wrote: »

A stressful bit of company time this morning. In the trap midway through the task at hand and in comes the cleaner. She starts mopping the floor even though a few traps are occupied, sticking the mop under the doors as far as she could reach it. A horrid intrusion in the daily ritual, ruined my morning.

Very disrespectful. No one needs to be fcuking foot jousting with a wet mop when they're dropping off a load.

That is simply not on.

I'd be putting pen to paper and writing a strongly worded letter.

armaghlad

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Jesus Christ, that’s disgraceful. Is she from a contract agency? Escalate this immediately, and hopefully she’ll be immediately dismissed. Just not good enough.

I think retribution would be a more deserving course of action. Find out her cleaning schedule. Stock up on bachelor beans and bottles of stout.

Utter Consternation

armaghlad wrote: »

I think retribution would be a more deserving course of action. Find out her cleaning schedule. Stock up on bachelor beans and bottles of stout.

Sounds like the MO of FO.