What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Contributers are avoiding the stalls, all bungged up or havin'a break like the panda in the kit kat ads..
Y'all hangin' in there cupcakes ?

Was at a popular venue in Dublin today ..not Croker... taking a piss when this tank rumbled in and hit for the traps...belts rattling...sighing... I decided to ‘break the ice’ and unloaded fcuking rasper at hi decibels....I was not disappointed ... answered by a deep throated gutteral ‘string of pearls’ from the occupied trap followed by what sounded like a bucket of herrings being emptied on a tiled floor.


I left with a small burst of applause.

fuerte1976

I'm afraid, I'm in bother.. Had a 'chinese' last night.. Cement wouldn't solidify what me carcass is experiencing all day. No stalls, traps or bushes visited on my travels today..
Somethings gotta give soon now the intake of Mr Magners has increased..

Edit.. I hear (and feel) that train a coming!

Hector Savage

Made the mistake this morning of leaving for work without taking a dump, thought I would be OK, didn't have a coffee.
On the metro and realised the train wasn't the only thing heading south .....

Got into a bit of a panic so got off a few stops early, headed to a cafe and made a beeline to the jacks - worried that they would be occupied, I know this place and has only one trap for men and has a habit of having no toilet paper.

Was allready making mental plans of what to sacrifice to wipe my hoop with - was looking like a book in my eastpack was gonna take a hit of a few pages , but lucky trap had TP.

Down with the cacks and just made it, extremely satisfying deposit of arse midden, a mountain of the stuff peaking above the water in the bowl - was quite satisfying to look at considering the relief I was in.


cleaned up and felt I owed the place a bit of custom, got a nice cortado and donut.

Walked the rest of the way to the office with a nice light spring in my step.

Borderfox

Hector Savage wrote: »

Made the mistake this morning of leaving for work without taking a dump, thought I would be OK, didn't have a coffee.
On the metro and realised the train wasn't the only thing heading south .....

Got into a bit of a panic so got off a few stops early, headed to a cafe and made a beeline to the jacks - worried that they would be occupied, I know this place and has only one trap for men and has a habit of having no toilet paper.

Was allready making mental plans of what to sacrifice to wipe my hoop with - was looking like a book in my eastpack was gonna take a hit of a few pages , but lucky trap had TP.

Down with the cacks and just made it, extremely satisfying deposit of arse midden, a mountain of the stuff peaking above the water in the bowl - was quite satisfying to look at considering the relief I was in.


cleaned up and felt I owed the place a bit of custom, got a nice cortado and donut.

Walked the rest of the way to the office with a nice light spring in my step.

From goose-step to light step, a great book title

Obrieski

Sometimes you forget the power of what the back passage can produce.

Have always been a 'sit-down wiper' with the reach around technique.

Tore the hamstring recently playing a match and have had to resort to standing for recent production outputs.
Unfortunately, this means that the 'smell barrier' is momentarily breached in the interim period between standing and the first bit of toilet roll being thrown on top of the fresh silage in the Armitage.

Did my usual 3 o'clock drop off earlier and as I stood up, the fent nearly drove me sideways.
Any stray nostril hairs have well and truly been singed so a nice side effect I suppose.
Will teach me to lay a blanket down pre-standing for future events, don't want to tear another muscle running from the stench.

Brendan Bendar

Obrieski wrote: »

Sometimes you forget the power of what the back passage can produce.

Have always been a 'sit-down wiper' with the reach around technique.

Tore the hamstring recently playing a match and have had to resort to standing for recent production outputs.
Unfortunately, this means that the 'smell barrier' is momentarily breached in the interim period between standing and the first bit of toilet roll being thrown on top of the fresh silage in the Armitage.

Did my usual 3 o'clock drop off earlier and as I stood up, the fent nearly drove me sideways.
Any stray nostril hairs have well and truly been singed so a nice side effect I suppose.
Will teach me to lay a blanket down pre-standing for future events, don't want to tear another muscle running from the stench.

You need to check you diet ,dude.

Were you ingesting some of those ‘sausages ‘ from the Eastern European section of the Supermarket.

Had five or six of them at a local outdoor ‘fete’ recently and blew out an oily foul-smelling loaf the next morning that would knock down a collie dog, such was the bang off it.

Had to light a candle in the shytter to draw in the stench.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

You need to check you diet ,dude.

Were you ingesting some of those ‘sausages ‘ from the Eastern European section of the Supermarket.

Had five or six of them at a local outdoor ‘fete’ recently and blew out an oily foul-smelling loaf the next morning that would knock down a collie dog, such was the bang off it.

Had to light a candle in the shytter to draw in the stench.

Would have you marked down as someone who was always a fan of thick Eastern European ‘sausage’ to be honest, Brendan.

The Princess Bride

Present for all of you, just in case.


http://i68.tinypic.com/2gtqasn.jpg

wing52

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Present for all of you, just in case.


http://i68.tinypic.com/2gtqasn.jpg

Is the cap off that, or is it a "wide angle" applicator?

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Would have you marked down as someone who was always a fan of thick Eastern European ‘sausage’ to be honest, Brendan.

Not by choice John, unlike yourself,I’m not given to hanging around the ethnic sections of Supermarkets in mustard ‘comfort fits’ with the front liberally speckled with ‘coins of the realm’ trying to engage young Romains in ‘banter’.

When some 5’4” x 5’2” shave head cops onto to you I’d leave the area sharpish,John.

Not noted for their sense of humor those lads.

gerrybbadd

Word of advice for ye lads.

Firstly, let me preface by updating - my run of solid form has continued, and i've never been happier.

Now, onto the dilemma. I bought a bag of those blue raspberry bonbons abroad in Dealz the other day. Wan 50 for a huge bag. Problem is, they're as addictive as Heisenberg's blue stuff. Very hard to stop eating them. And they are lovely - at the time.

However, the past few days, i've noticed, when wiping, that there's a distinct green hue to the leavings on the anal lips. Be careful out there with the sweets lads

Sharp MZ700

Shìtting like a horse these days TBTG, that slab of 1664 at the weekend watered down the concrete mixer well in fairness.
I'm getting extra room lifting the right heel 3 inches or so as well, a tip I got off the brother in law- well versed in filling things with shìt that lad. He would have to be the poor Kant.
Was telling me the joys of mussels inducing the mother of all SHhìts, never heard of it before tbh. Must try it.

Brendan Bendar

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Shìtting like a horse these days TBTG, that slab of 1664 at the weekend watered down the concrete mixer well in fairness.
I'm getting extra room lifting the right heel 3 inches or so as well, a tip I got off the brother in law- well versed in filling things with shìt that lad. He would have to be the poor Kant.
Was telling me the joys of mussels inducing the mother of all SHhìts, never heard of it before tbh. Must try it.

Yes, the mussel and periwinkle do indeed tend to ‘bulk up’ the load, Sharp!

Fond of them myself, but had to stop as the pan could t get rid of the sludge in one flush. Mother in law visited and had to contend with a pan half full of ripe oily scutther to piss on.

Terrible stuff.

JohnnyFlash

Had 24 oysters and 10 pints of stout down in a pub in the Burren recently. 20 tabs as well. Extremely loose and dramatic evacuation at circa 6.30am that morning. Huge amount of paperwork required before the load left port. Real ‘hum’ off my abulations for the next 3 or 4 days as well.

fuerte1976

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Had 24 oysters and 10 pints of stout down in a pub in the Burren recently. 20 tabs as well. Extremely loose and dramatic evacuation at circa 6.30am that morning. Huge amount of paperwork required before the load left port. Real ‘hum’ off my abulations for the next 3 or 4 days as well.

Christ, Johnny.. I'm fond of the ol fruits of the sea and land but that some consumption of shellfish dude - never mind the porter intake coz that was only washing em down.
A few twitchy days in the kaks department for sure after that..

fuerte1976

I presume twas 20 nicotine sticks not narcotics you quaffed also..

Sharp MZ700

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Yes, the mussel and periwinkle do indeed tend to ‘bulk up’ the load, Sharp!

Fond of them myself, but had to stop as the pan could t get rid of the sludge in one flush. Mother in law visited and had to contend with a pan half full of ripe oily scutther to piss on.

Terrible stuff.

Not a bad MIL if she's pissing on your half pan... Did she stay in there long? Use the full roll? Handle your toilet brush? These are all little signs not to be missed B.

EmmetSpiceland

While we’re on the subject, I’d like to take the time to “advise” everyone here not to eat a whole jar of “Parson’s Pickled Cockles”.

While it might be “enjoyable” at the time, you pay for it later on. You’d think it would exit in a hail of slush but it sort of jellifys. But then there’s the “buckshot” and that causes it to scatter and, literally, stick to various parts of the bowl. Parts the flush doesn’t reach.

I had to get down and “manually” extricate bits from under the rim and other stubborn parts on the porcelain. One of the few times I’d wished I had a brush, disgusting things. But necessary.

I should point out that you don’t get the same result from a jar of “Chef’s Silverskin Onions”. The only real “side effect” from those is a strong scent of “hot” vinegar out of the pot afterward.

Aglomerado

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Christ, Johnny.. I'm fond of the ol fruits of the sea and land but that some consumption of shellfish dude - never mind the porter intake coz that was only washing em down.
A few twitchy days in the kaks department for sure after that..

Ate a plate of snails in France a couple of years ago and the ensuing logs had a 'bouquet' of well rotted compost.

tgdaly

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

While we’re on the subject, I’d like to take the time to “advise” everyone here not to eat a whole jar of “Parson’s Pickled Cockles”.

While it might be “enjoyable” at the time, you pay for it later on. You’d think it would exit in a hail of slush but it sort of jellifys. But then there’s the “buckshot” and that causes it to scatter and, literally, stick to various parts of the bowl. Parts the flush doesn’t reach.

I had to get down and “manually” extricate bits from under the rim and other stubborn parts on the porcelain. One of the few times I’d wished I had a brush, disgusting things. But necessary.

I should point out that you don’t get the same result from a jar of “Chef’s Silverskin Onions”. The only real “side effect” from those is a strong scent of “hot” vinegar out of the pot afterward.

Friend of mine used to be a devil for eating those jars of chef onions. The smell of the farts off him would be something else. Learned this the hard way, as years ago we went camping and he nearly suffocated me in the tent. First sign of light at 6 in the morning I said we were going, practically took the tent down around him in frustration! Was never as glad to smell the fresh dawn air

Deebles McBeebles

fuerte1976 wrote: »

I presume twas 20 nicotine sticks not narcotics you quaffed also..

I much prefer the idea of Johnny chewing the bottom lip off himself whilst evacuating.

Pintman Paddy Losty

There's quite a sour and contemptible vibe around this forum the last couple of days. Some lads seem extremely tetchy and irritable. I can only assume that they are exceptionally bound up. Can't be easy to have a sunny and congenial disposition in the face of a gut backed up due to over indulgence in high fructose corn snacks, fizzy drinks and findus crispy pancakes.

My advice to those vexed and indignant posters is simple:

- Get more fibre in your diet. Can take the form of bran flakes, wheetabix, or a good lashing of prunes in your morning porridge. Less of the fruit loops and lucky charms for breakfast. Or cold leftover pizza or whatever other tripe you're scoffing first thing in the morning.

-If you're a smoker move up the strength level. Marlboro red, Woodbine, Johnny Blues or Benson should get things moving. Particularly if you inhale two in quick succession first thing in the morning.

-Invest in a good coffee machine. And beans. A strong espresso aribica roast in the morning is an excellent lubricant to get the engine kickstarted each day and allow you to bound out the door with a spring in your step.

-If all else fails a good skip of Arthur's Black elixir the evening before will have you evacuating those congested guts first thing the next day leaving you feeling lighter yet more grounded with a positive outlook starting the day.

If you follow those steps you'll be less likely to log in to boards.ie and post bile, venom and scorn on your fellow e-denizens.

Any other advice for the more irritable posters of boards.ie lads?

Utter Consternation

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

There's quite a sour and contemptible vibe around this forum the last couple of days. Some lads seem extremely tetchy and irritable. I can only assume that they are exceptionally bound up. Can't be easy to have a sunny and congenial disposition in the face of a gut backed up due to over indulgence in high fructose corn snacks, fizzy drinks and findus crispy pancakes.

My advice to those vexed and indignant posters is simple:

- Get more fibre in your diet. Can take the form of bran flakes, wheetabix, or a good lashing of prunes in your morning porridge. Less of the fruit loops and lucky charms for breakfast. Or cold leftover pizza or whatever other tripe you're scoffing first thing in the morning.

-If you're a smoker move up the strength level. Marlboro red, Woodbine, Johnny Blues or Benson should get things moving. Particularly if you inhale two in quick succession first thing in the morning.

-Invest in a good coffee machine. And beans. A strong espresso aribica roast in the morning is an excellent lubricant to get the engine kickstarted each day and allow you to bound out the door with a spring in your step.

-If all else fails a good skip of Arthur's Black elixir the evening before will have you evacuating those congested guts first thing the next day leaving you feeling lighter yet more grounded with a positive outlook starting the day.

If you follow those steps you'll be less likely to log in to boards.ie and post bile, venom and scorn on your fellow e-denizens.

Any other advice for the more irritable posters of boards.ie lads?

You cover the physiological side of things comprehensively there Patrick.

I'll add some of my thoughts here too, and if even one person who is a bit 'blocked up' takes some solace in my words i would indeed be a happy person.

People should take their time out on the toilet and use it as a period of self reflection. Instead of transferring your anxieties onto those around you, look inside yourself and try and find out what is the root cause of these feelings.

Constipation of the soul can be very bad for you. You need to be able to pass those negative thoughts that have gathered up in your cranial large intestine and deliver them into the toilet pan of 'letting go' and be free.

Just be free, people. That is all i have to say. Be free.

Sorry now, but i feel emotional and need some time alone.

JohnnyFlash

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

There's quite a sour and contemptible vibe around this forum the last couple of days. Some lads seem extremely tetchy and irritable. I can only assume that they are exceptionally bound up. Can't be easy to have a sunny and congenial disposition in the face of a gut backed up due to over indulgence in high fructose corn snacks, fizzy drinks and findus crispy pancakes.

My advice to those vexed and indignant posters is simple:

- Get more fibre in your diet. Can take the form of bran flakes, wheetabix, or a good lashing of prunes in your morning porridge. Less of the fruit loops and lucky charms for breakfast. Or cold leftover pizza or whatever other tripe you're scoffing first thing in the morning.

-If you're a smoker move up the strength level. Marlboro red, Woodbine, Johnny Blues or Benson should get things moving. Particularly if you inhale two in quick succession first thing in the morning.

-Invest in a good coffee machine. And beans. A strong espresso aribica roast in the morning is an excellent lubricant to get the engine kickstarted each day and allow you to bound out the door with a spring in your step.

-If all else fails a good skip of Arthur's Black elixir the evening before will have you evacuating those congested guts first thing the next day leaving you feeling lighter yet more grounded with a positive outlook starting the day.

If you follow those steps you'll be less likely to log in to boards.ie and post bile, venom and scorn on your fellow e-denizens.

Any other advice for the more irritable posters of boards.ie lads?

Excellent and practical advice, Paddy. Constipation can be a very debilitating condition, and I’m sure being that bound up contributes to their sour and surly moods. Plenty of leafy greens are also needed, and you don’t get enough of them on a frozen pizza.

JohnnyFlash

Utter Consternation wrote: »

You cover the physiological side of things comprehensively there Patrick.

I'll add some of my thoughts here too, and if even one person who is a bit 'blocked up' takes some solace in my words i would indeed be a happy person.

People should take their time out on the toilet and use it as a period of self reflection. Instead of transferring your anxieties onto those around you, look inside yourself and try and find out what is the root cause of these feelings.

Constipation of the soul can be very bad for you. You need to be able to pass those negative thoughts that have gathered up in your cranial large intestine and deliver them into the toilet pan of 'letting go' and be free.

Just be free, people. That is all i have to say. Be free.

Sorry now, but i feel emotional and need some time alone.

Transcendental Shítting, Utter. The top stars in Hollywood swear by it.

Utter Consternation

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Transcendental Shítting, Utter. The top stars in Hollywood swear by it.

I'd say Gwyneth Paltrow focuses her 'third eye' when dropping a big load off.

gerrybbadd

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I'd say Gwyneth Paltrow focuses her 'third eye' when dropping a big load off.

I'd say Gwen would drop some shyte off too. Depth Charge

Utter Consternation

gerrybbadd wrote: »

I'd say Gwen would drop some shyte off too. Depth Charge

Is she vegan or vegetarian? Churning out velvet logs.

EmmetSpiceland

gerrybbadd wrote: »

I'd say Gwen would drop some shyte off too. Depth Charge

Right into a mirror toilet.

Ecce No Homo

Absolutely love that women. Kind of woman who'll still be super hot when she's in her 60s. That sop from Coldwad was a fool to cheat on her. I'd sit in a bath full of her brown slop.