What's the etiquette here??

gerrybbadd

Forget the word count.

What we should do is ask someone knowledgeable in the field, to create a PDF from some of the replies in here.

There's has never been a self help book written, with the level and quality of the advice given across some of these over 2000 posts. It'd be a best seller in book shops around the world.

Aglomerado

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Forget the word count.

What we should do is ask someone knowledgeable in the field, to create a PDF from some of the replies in here.

There's has never been a self help book written, with the level and quality of the advice given across some of these over 2000 posts. It'd be a best seller in book shops around the world.

There was a website called Poopreport.com in the US, they published a book called the "Journal of Ass Production"... never managed to get my hands on a copy.

gerrybbadd

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Forget the word count.

What we should do is ask someone knowledgeable in the field, to create a PDF from some of the replies in here.

There's has never been a self help book written, with the level and quality of the advice given across some of these over 2000 posts. It'd be a best seller in book shops around the world.

It could be called "Be kind to your behind" or something. It would be interesting to know if there's been an increase in sales of sudocream or talc powder on foot of this thread.

Utter Consternation

Behindfullness.

gerrybbadd

"Midden: How do you do yours?"

Utter Consternation

Turd Story 2

Aglomerado

Reservoir Logs
Falling Brown
The Armitage Shanks Redemption
The Brown Mile
The Last UBender

EmmetSpiceland

Just had quite the frightful “experience”. I’d had a bit of an itch “under the hood” of the flute all day. Nothing major, just one that required a little tug and slight “pinch” to settle things down. I just sort of forgot about and went about my business.

This was fine until about after lunch, the “itch” got a little stronger and, then, after one scratch I got an awful “sensation”, it felt like my dick was trying to cough. Very unpleasant but it passed.

Went into the jacks for a quick slash and got a terrible shock while I was giving things the customary “shake”. There were, what looked like, three, very thin, “prongs” protruding from my todger. A droplet of píss idling on the end of one of them.

I panicked and, luckily, as there was no one else there, I jumped into one of the cubicles to get a better look. Figured sitting would be the best way to approach this, “peeled” things back and there was one of the missus’ long blonde hairs wrapped, three times, around “old Helmer” with one end inserted right in the “jappers”.

Figured it was easier to tackling the “wrappings” first, it was not a nice feeling but nothing had prepared me for “drawing” the hair from out of the “hog’s eye”. Yuck. It all felt very sharp.

Once it was out everything felt fine but **** me that was bloody awful. Every Friday seems to be the 13th for me.

mfceiling

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Just had quite the frightful “experience”. I’d had a bit of an itch “under the hood” of the flute all day. Nothing major, just one that required a little tug and slight “pinch” to settle things down. I just sort of forgot about and went about my business.

This was fine until about after lunch, the “itch” got a little stronger and, then, after one scratch I got an awful “sensation”, it felt like my dick was trying to cough. Very unpleasant but it passed.

Went into the jacks for a quick slash and got a terrible shock while I was giving things the customary “shake”. There were, what looked like, three, very thin, “prongs” protruding from my todger. A droplet of píss idling on the end of one of them.

I panicked and, luckily, as there was no one else there, I jumped into one of the cubicles to get a better look. Figured sitting would be the best way to approach this, “peeled” things back and there was one of the missus’ long blonde hairs wrapped, three times, around “old Helmer” with one end inserted right in the “jappers”.

Figured it was easier to tackling the “wrappings” first, it was not a nice feeling but nothing had prepared me for “drawing” the hair from out of the “hog’s eye”. Yuck. It all felt very sharp.

Once it was out everything felt fine but **** me that was bloody awful. Every Friday seems to be the 13th for me.

Do you reckon you picked up a stray one from the throne or was the missus down inspecting fagan and the 2 muldoons?

EmmetSpiceland

mfceiling wrote: »

Do you reckon you picked up a stray one from the throne or was the missus down inspecting fagan and the 2 muldoons?

If I had to guess I would say it was from the shower this morning.

No, there was no “inspection” last night. Certainly not in this heat. Although, maybe tonight, feels a bit breezier today and, after all, it is the start of the weekend.

Sharp MZ700

Christ it's great to be able to share lads. Where else would Emmet have turned had it not gone so well? Probably ended up with an aul cocktail stick or drinking straw shoved halfway down the drainpipe trying to unblock it.And no one to talk to!

Former Observer

Oh lord. That last tale has left a pained grimace on my face.

EmmetSpiceland

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Christ it's great to be able to share lads. Where else would Emmet have turned had it not gone so well? Probably ended up with an aul cocktail stick or drinking straw shoved halfway down the drainpipe trying to unblock it.And no one to talk to!

It really is, S. I don’t think I’d be about to recount that one to the lads but keeping it to myself would only lead to me going through it, over and over.

I should point out that the “prongs” were actually the “follicle” end of the hair and a loop. It just looked like a “trident” from my angle.

It probably wasn’t much passed the “gland” but it felt like it was deep down the “meatus”, right to the “hilt”.

I mean, we’ve all had a short and curly “tickle” in, and around, the opening or even suffered the odd clot when you go for it during “shark week” but this was very different, very different.

I will get through this. Thank you for your time.

Former Observer

You sick phuck

EmmetSpiceland

Former Observer wrote: »

You sick phuck

With all due respect, F, I don’t believe you’re in any position to call someone a “sick phuck”, given your propensity for thinning your anal tissue with steroid cream for a “buzz”.

The skin must be like the pages of a “Gideon's Bible” at this stage! And, unsettlingly, translucent.

Not to mention your “old man”, liberally, applying it to your hoop?! I haven’t forgotten.

Pintman Paddy Losty

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

With all due respect, F, I don’t believe you’re in any position to call someone a “sick phuck”, given your propensity for thinning your anal tissue with steroid cream for a “buzz”.

The skin must be like the pages of a “Gideon's Bible” at this stage! And, unsettlingly, translucent.

Not to mention your “old man”, liberally, applying it to your hoop?! I haven’t forgotten.

I'd say it's like pink lightly brown flecked crepe paper Emmet.

Former Observer

Emmett I'll ask you not to speak about my old man again. He was just doing what he thought was best.

But to satiate your curiosity I've just had a look and can report that the overall pigmentation in that area is greyish pink and rather wizened. There are 'creases' of skin which remain pure white, and if I clinch my cheeks very hard it feels like some areas of my skin lift up off the flesh like an ill fitting sheath of baking paper. Hoop itself is whitish, with a transparent layer of loose skin settled unevenly on top. Whole area was exceptionally clean, which is good, but to be honest you have me a little worried now so I may go to a specialist. Probably nothing to worry about though.

Pintman Paddy Losty

Former Observer wrote: »

Emmett I'll ask you not to speak about my old man again. He was just doing what he thought was best.

But to satiate your curiosity I've just had a look and can report that the overall pigmentation in that area is greyish pink and rather wizened. There are 'creases' of skin which remain pure white, and if I clinch my cheeks very hard it feels like some areas of my skin lift up off the flesh like an ill fitting sheath of baking paper. Hoop itself is whitish, with a transparent layer of loose skin settled unevenly on top. Whole area was exceptionally clean, which is good, but to be honest you have me a little worried now so I may go to a specialist. Probably nothing to worry about though.

FO... I note your warning to emmett to not speak of your aul lad so if I'm out of order just say, yeah.

But by my estimation, your aul man is a fan of mustard chinos. Type of fella who is obsessed or at least passionate about all things fecal.

Type of lad who stays up late on a Sunday night watching tom Brady throw balls while he scoffs oven cooked onion rings.

Just an observation.

JohnnyFlash

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

FO... I note your warning to emmett to not speak of your aul lad so if I'm out of order just say, yeah.

But by my estimation, your aul man is a fan of mustard chinos. Type of fella who is obsessed or at least passionate about all things fecal.

Type of lad who stays up late on a Sunday night watching tom Brady throw balls while he scoffs oven cooked onion rings.

Just an observation.

You on the sauce, Losty?

Pintman Paddy Losty

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You on the sauce, Losty?

Have had a few Johnny. Yes. Would that be a problem with ya?

Sharp MZ700

Mustard chinos lads. That's all I'm sayin.

Pintman Paddy Losty

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Mustard chinos lads. That's all I'm sayin.

Dress code of the irrelavent classes sharpie.

Sharp MZ700

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Dress code of the irrelavent classes sharpie.

Package holiday targets. No need for arsewipery.

Who's that Kant?

JohnnyFlash

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Have had a few Johnny. Yes. Would that be a problem with ya?

Not at all, hombre. Just polishing off my 12th can of Guinness at the moment. Could be some malodorous odours in Chateau Flash in the morning.

Pintman Paddy Losty

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Not at all, hombre. Just polishing off my 12th can of Guinness at the moment. Could be some malodorous odours in Chateau Flash in the morning.

My missus has taken the kids to the in laws for the weekend. I've taken the opportunity to clear our the press. Hop House, orchard thieves, sol, haze ipa and peroni all consumed. Warm. No refrigeration. Doesn't change the ABV though. Fairly sozzled is what I'm saying.

FFred

Just ‘had’ a ‘****e’ .
Wiped my ‘arse’. ‘Washed’ my ‘hands’ ....

Am I doing this right ?

Sharp MZ700

Forgot to drop the kaks compadre.

FFred

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Forgot to drop the kaks compadre.

I’m a ‘naturist’ so don’t ‘wear’ them

Former Observer

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

But by my estimation, your aul man is a fan of mustard chinos. Type of fella who is obsessed or at least passionate about all things fecal.

Type of lad who stays up late on a Sunday night watching tom Brady throw balls while he scoffs oven cooked onion rings.

You're not wrong Paddy. He used to drive a little brown Opel, low sized, with tan coloured leather seats. Very interested in the horses and greyhounds, was always driving around to one race or another, although you'd rarely see him at the track. He'd be hanging around near the stables, or cages or transport vehicles, kind of prodding the dung and lifting up handfuls of straw. No great loss to the world.

fuerte1976

Contributers are avoiding the stalls, all bungged up or havin'a break like the panda in the kit kat ads..
Y'all hangin' in there cupcakes ?