What's the etiquette here??

Doctors room ghost

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A stressful bit of company time this morning. In the trap midway through the task at hand and in comes the cleaner. She starts mopping the floor even though a few traps are occupied, sticking the mop under the doors as far as she could reach it. A horrid intrusion in the daily ritual, ruined my morning.

That’s fcukin cat.
You had right to grab the head of the mop when it came in under the door and pulled it in as far as you could while roaring like a Sasquatch stuck in a bear trap.no words just roaring like a monster.
She wouldn’t be long with fcukin the fcuk off then.

A proper dirty protest may be in order going forward to put manners on her.

Former Observer

Went in to McDonalds there at 10.00 and had two Fillet of Fish meals. Sweating like a mad dog and had the shakes too. Thought the fish burgers would settle the stomach which has felt like a washing machine on three legs going through the last spin since I woke up. Got some serious scowl from yer wan behind the counter. Gave me a look like I’d just dug up the grave of her favourite childhood kitten and torn out its abdomen with my teeth.

Food was nice, I see you can add pickles and onions to the burgers now, but the whole place was full of flies, and the coffee sent me to running to the jacks, which I couldn’t open because the cretin at the counter hadn’t given me a receipt, so I had to go down to her again, and this time I gave her a serious glare. To be fair, she returned the glare with interest. I still don’t know how all this kicked off, but I decided I’d leave a real stinker by the counter once I was leaving. Went to the jacks and covered the entire interior of the bowl in black slime with the aforementioned half-digested cherrios and what can only be described as globs of transparent, light brown almost viscous gunk that separated itself from the rest of the chite similar to how oil separates itself from water in an oil slick. Flushed and decontaminated to best of my ability and all the while I could feel the the gasses building up and edging outwards, it felt like my arsehole was expanding like a hot air balloon but I kept it all in.

Went down after clearing off my tray and leaned against the counter and released the most noxious, vile plume of anal gasses that have ever passed through an Irishman’s sticky pink purse lips. I waited there I’m proud to say until I could smell the phucker myself and it was truly the most grotesque menagerie of odours I’ve ever smelt: – soggy wet sleeping bags filled with poop and dirty dishwater, meat left rotting in a wheelie bin out the back of a butchers, dried dog food with notes of chicken-chite, and the hint of destiny awaiting all of us as wormfood and compost. Well her faced dropped like a cheap raincoat sliding off a clothes-hook and her expression resembled nothing if not a person falling helplessly from an airplane towards their untimely death. Extremely satisfying.

Reminds me actually of something else. A few weeks ago I saw a man being thrown out of Ramen. Or rather he was asked to leave. I hadn’t been in there in about four years myself, but I’d had a savage rake of pints the night before and was in no form to cook after work. Anyway, what I gather is that is that he’d ordered chicken Kung Poo or whatever the phuck, and instead of receiving something distinctly Chicken Kung Pooish, that is, something with its own flavour and novelty, they’d just dumped about half a litre of soy sauce on his food. He’d gone up afterwards and asked for a refund saying it isn’t what he’d ordered, that his dish was supposed to have this and that and the other thing in it etc. but all he’d gotten was bucket of soy sauce. Dead right too. Someone should give that man a medal. All the food in there tastes the same . Just bucket loads of coagulated soy sauce thrown over a few pieces of overcooked vegetable and soggy chicken breast.

Hector Savage

gerrybbadd wrote: »

And not even a bit of witty banter to break the tension? You should have told him you'd cork his big hole for him the next time. I'd say there were skidders left in the jocks that were reminisant of Sega Rally's dirt track on the PS3 back in the day

He'll probably be wearing those jocks for the rest of the week gerry....

Obrieski wrote: »

As mentioned UC, we are both at the urinals, at the same time. I'm at #1, he's at #3...a mere 3 yards between us

Not on, especially when it's someone you don't get on with at work...


Anyway, last night on the way home I stopped off at Five Guys and had a bacon cheesburger with pretty much every topping plus a banana and peanut butter milkshake as well as a generous helping of their free nuts.
My arse was chiming away this morning and had an unusual pebbly deposit, lots of little chites like a fecking sheep ...

but anyway, as I have said before the traps at my place are totally sealed their own rooms no spaces etc.
But this morning I could hear the poor ****er next door, big sighs and pushing, could even hear the high pitched farts - unusual in this setup, I've never heard it before.
I should have recommended him a good helping of weetabix and a large coffee after will have him ejecting a load of shredded newspaper with a bright brown/yellow tinge in no time....

Doctors room ghost

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A stressful bit of company time this morning. In the trap midway through the task at hand and in comes the cleaner. She starts mopping the floor even though a few traps are occupied, sticking the mop under the doors as far as she could reach it. A horrid intrusion in the daily ritual, ruined my morning.

That’s fcukin cat.
You had right to grab the head of the mop when it came in under the door and pulled it in as far as you could while roaring like a Sasquatch stuck in a bear trap.no words just roaring like a monster.
She wouldn’t be long with fcukin the fcuk off then.

A proper dirty protest may be in order going forward to put manners on her.

I'd be wary of picking a fight with this wan doc. A wizened husk of an auld wan, hollowed out by decades of nicotine and carling lager abuse. She's been seen fishing the cakes out of the urinals bare handed. A filthy person how she is the cleaner is beyond me.
She has no cleaning routine, she just walks into the changing rooms or the Jack's when she feels like it, so you can't time your business to avoid her. Just hold it on the clutch and hope the coast is clear.

Brendan Bendar

Deleted User wrote: »

I'd be wary of picking a fight with this wan doc. A wizened husk of an auld wan, hollowed out by decades of nicotine and carling lager abuse. She's been seen fishing the cakes out of the urinals bare handed. A filthy person how she is the cleaner is beyond me.
She has no cleaning routine, she just walks into the changing rooms or the Jack's when she feels like it, so you can't time your business to avoid her. Just hold it on the clutch and hope the coast is clear.

That’s terrible stuff.

If a person can’t go to unload a stream of ripe midden in his/her workplace, in peace and uninterrupted things are really bad.

Tell u this folks if this was a regular occurrence severe action would be needed.

Like if you held the oven door closed and as soon as a mop appeared, throttles to full t/o power, bleeds off, clean config.mixture full and rich, and cover the mop with a carpet of loose ripe midden marbled with the intake of a Bombay Mix extra spicey and some acidy loose drittle half ways up the handle.

Might make her think again.

When you are up before HR you can saw you were just dropping the skiddies when this mop ‘suddenly’ appeared and you ‘blew’ your load with the fright.
Thought you were going to be ‘violated’ with a damp mop

Result... big complaint to the cleaning company and hero status for you.

Utter Consternation

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

That’s terrible stuff.

If a person can’t go to unload a stream of ripe midden in his/her workplace, in peace and uninterrupted things are really bad.

Tell u this folks if this was a regular occurrence severe action would be needed.

Like if you held the oven door closed and as soon as a mop appeared, throttles to full t/o power, bleeds off, clean config.mixture full and rich, and cover the mop with a carpet of loose ripe midden marbled with the intake of a Bombay Mix extra spicey and some acidy loose drittle half ways up the handle.

Might make her think again.

When you are up before HR you can saw you were just dropping the skiddies when this mop ‘suddenly’ appeared and you ‘blew’ your load with the fright.
Thought you were going to be ‘violated’ with a damp mop

Result... big complaint to the cleaning company and hero status for you.

You'd be carried through the workplace on your colleagues shoulders no doubt and get the promotion to assistant vice supervisor in no time.

Ush1

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

That’s terrible stuff.

If a person can’t go to unload a stream of ripe midden in his/her workplace, in peace and uninterrupted things are really bad.

Tell u this folks if this was a regular occurrence severe action would be needed.

Like if you held the oven door closed and as soon as a mop appeared, throttles to full t/o power, bleeds off, clean config.mixture full and rich, and cover the mop with a carpet of loose ripe midden marbled with the intake of a Bombay Mix extra spicey and some acidy loose drittle half ways up the handle.

Might make her think again.

When you are up before HR you can saw you were just dropping the skiddies when this mop ‘suddenly’ appeared and you ‘blew’ your load with the fright.
Thought you were going to be ‘violated’ with a damp mop

Result... big complaint to the cleaning company and hero status for you.

Yer wan probably wouldn't bat an eyelid and smear the toxic concoction all over the rest of the floor.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

That’s terrible stuff.

If a person can’t go to unload a stream of ripe midden in his/her workplace, in peace and uninterrupted things are really bad.

Tell u this folks if this was a regular occurrence severe action would be needed.

Like if you held the oven door closed and as soon as a mop appeared, throttles to full t/o power, bleeds off, clean config.mixture full and rich, and cover the mop with a carpet of loose ripe midden marbled with the intake of a Bombay Mix extra spicey and some acidy loose drittle half ways up the handle.

Might make her think again.

When you are up before HR you can saw you were just dropping the skiddies when this mop ‘suddenly’ appeared and you ‘blew’ your load with the fright.
Thought you were going to be ‘violated’ with a damp mop

Result... big complaint to the cleaning company and hero status for you.

Excellent and practical advice, Brendan. Mind me asking though, pal: are you on the sauce already?

Ush1

Ush1 wrote: »

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

That’s terrible stuff.

If a person can’t go to unload a stream of ripe midden in his/her workplace, in peace and uninterrupted things are really bad.

Tell u this folks if this was a regular occurrence severe action would be needed.

Like if you held the oven door closed and as soon as a mop appeared, throttles to full t/o power, bleeds off, clean config.mixture full and rich, and cover the mop with a carpet of loose ripe midden marbled with the intake of a Bombay Mix extra spicey and some acidy loose drittle half ways up the handle.

Might make her think again.

When you are up before HR you can saw you were just dropping the skiddies when this mop ‘suddenly’ appeared and you ‘blew’ your load with the fright.
Thought you were going to be ‘violated’ with a damp mop

Result... big complaint to the cleaning company and hero status for you.

Yer wan probably wouldn't bat an eyelid and smear the toxic concoction all over the rest of the floor.

You are dead right there, you would be forgiven for thinking my description of her was embellished for a funny Internet post, but I assure you it is not. She is a beastly yoke altogether and I doubt even the manky Jack's from the first Trainspotting film would even phase her.

Doctors room ghost

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I'd be wary of picking a fight with this wan doc. A wizened husk of an auld wan, hollowed out by decades of nicotine and carling lager abuse. She's been seen fishing the cakes out of the urinals bare handed. A filthy person how she is the cleaner is beyond me.
She has no cleaning routine, she just walks into the changing rooms or the Jack's when she feels like it, so you can't time your business to avoid her. Just hold it on the clutch and hope the coast is clear.

I’d be holding nothing on the clutch for her niallo.
I’d be minding the clutch plates and the old release bearing.you only get the one set.
If she was trying that cleaning stuff and I taking care of business I’d be roaring bombs away so she would hear it.Also throw in a “be gone demon turd”
If that fails you may have to start a dirty protest

gerrybbadd

There's only one thing to do in these sitations. Next time the mop head comes under the trap door, a simple utterance of "Well ya absolute cuncha", uttered in an annoyed manner, will result in the mop's withdrawal.

If anything is said when you step out, say you were playing an Aul game on your phone, and it wasn't going well

Utter Consternation

I think Brendan had the right idea, sh1t on the mop. That'll teach her.

Sharp MZ700

A handful of warm piss out over the door wouldn't go amiss either. That and the brown omelette on the mop head should deter her in future.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Excellent and practical advice, Brendan. Mind me asking though, pal: are you on the sauce already?

Out playing golf earlier John, took on a few pots, and now ingesting some cans of Poland’s best......Karpackie..... excellent beverage..

Thank you for awwwsking..

fuerte1976

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Deleted User wrote: »

I'd be wary of picking a fight with this wan doc. A wizened husk of an auld wan, hollowed out by decades of nicotine and carling lager abuse. She's been seen fishing the cakes out of the urinals bare handed. A filthy person how she is the cleaner is beyond me.
She has no cleaning routine, she just walks into the changing rooms or the Jack's when she feels like it, so you can't time your business to avoid her. Just hold it on the clutch and hope the coast is clear.

That’s terrible stuff.

If a person can’t go to unload a stream of ripe midden in his/her workplace, in peace and uninterrupted things are really bad.

Tell u this folks if this was a regular occurrence severe action would be needed.

Like if you held the oven door closed and as soon as a mop appeared, throttles to full t/o power, bleeds off, clean config.mixture full and rich, and cover the mop with a carpet of loose ripe midden marbled with the intake of a Bombay Mix extra spicey and some acidy loose drittle half ways up the handle.

Might make her think again.

When you are up before HR you can saw you were just dropping the skiddies when this mop ‘suddenly’ appeared and you ‘blew’ your load with the fright.
Thought you were going to be ‘violated’ with a damp mop

Result... big complaint to the cleaning company and hero status for you.

Ah yes, I can cast my mind back to an event in a manky stall in secondary school when a device was rifled under the trap door at me after I accused a comrade of being a phantom sh1tter..

The fright I got caused me to 'lose my grip ' and the resultant fallout wasn't great. Could have done with a mop then...

The device was a crow banger..

Hal3000

Was in traps early morning in our place today. If anyone has followed my posts here you will know how utterly disgusting I think sharing facilities is. To my absolute horror the husky security guard who eats those ghastly microwavable burgers entered the fray. I knew it was him as he slams open the doors, groans and stinks of stale piss. He also wears a pair of those snarled black shoes with cotton tracksuit bottoms, the type that farmers wear to the Curragh on Derby day. I spotted them under the door as he decided what trap to deposit his ungodly loaf in. Anyway, I wiped up quick and left before he had the pleasure of scenting the facilities in that revolting pong he usually leaves behind after his loads. I went back in out of curiosity after he left and he didn't disappoint. His tang smelt like water that's been sitting in a u-bend for 6 months and trodden dog sh*t. Awful stuff.

Hector Savage

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Ah yes, I can cast my mind back to an event in a manky stall in secondary school when a device was rifled under the trap door at me after I accused a comrade of being a phantom sh1tter..

The fright I got caused me to 'lose my grip ' and the resultant fallout wasn't great. Could have done with a mop then...

The device was a crow banger..

What's a crow banger ?


edit
https://www.google.es/search?client=opera&q=crow+banger&sourceid=opera&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

Utter Consternation

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Ah yes, I can cast my mind back to an event in a manky stall in secondary school when a device was rifled under the trap door at me after I accused a comrade of being a phantom sh1tter..

The fright I got caused me to 'lose my grip ' and the resultant fallout wasn't great. Could have done with a mop then...

The device was a crow banger..

At least you didn't respond like this individual:

https://www.independent.ie/irish-news/courts/farmer-who-snapped-over-crow-banger-could-be-free-in-two-years-37592520.html

tgdaly

Strange going ons in the work toilets for myself the last 2 days. Usually fly into the traps around 10 o clock in the morning. Nice separate cubicles so no issues there. However, there seems to be a new cleaning lady about, and she seems set on cleaning the toilets at 10 o clock. I'm hoping she's just a temp, will have to examine the issue long term. They usually do the cleanings in the evening so haven't a clue what's going on.

Very distracting trying to do your business when there's a little Polish lady at the main door shouting "hello" knowing she's waiting on you to leave

gerrybbadd

tgdaly wrote: »

Strange going ons in the work toilets for myself the last 2 days. Usually fly into the traps around 10 o clock in the morning. Nice separate cubicles so no issues there. However, there seems to be a new cleaning lady about, and she seems set on cleaning the toilets at 10 o clock. I'm hoping she's just a temp, will have to examine the issue long term. They usually do the cleanings in the evening so haven't a clue what's going on.

Very distracting trying to do your business when there's a little Polish lady at the main door shouting "hello" knowing she's waiting on you to leave

Simple treatment here. Learn these few lines

Jestem tutaj i mam wielkie gówno. Daj mi dziesięć minut, a może jeszcze dziesięć minut. Pamiętaj, aby zapalić zapałkę i wąchać

Ush1

These cleaners are out of control.

Former Observer

This is more common than you'd think. I had the shorts dropped and the buckshot loaded a few weeks ago when someone started rapping very noisily and aggressively on the door. As I was in the disabled toilets I thought it might be some lad in a wheelchair, but I wasn’t budging and pumped out a thick coat of porridge oats and foreign extra into the basin. I come out and I see it's some crone that cleans the toilets. The phuck is the mad rush? Leave me finish my business. I’ve had mops running up against my Italian leather shoes in the past too and the odd bit of bleach or dettol splashed on my ankle. A real sickener when you're trying to concentrate.

Sharp MZ700

Just after letting two black forest gateaux fly out there. Little beauties they were, stripy down the full length of them and all just like the famed cakes.
Had to do the crouching tiger though as it was like trying to get a shopping trolley through a hoola hoop.
Probably the 3 pounds of meat I had with the barbecue yesterday evening.

Utter Consternation

Ush1 wrote: »

These cleaners are out of control.

Are cleaners conspiring to make sure people using the facilities are moving along quickly and not destroying the place?

Are we being robbed of our rightful time on the throne?

RTE should do a Primetime Investigates on this issue.

Maybe it's a capitalist conspiracy to get the most out of the workforce? If my twenty minutes on the bog in work every day was cut down to five that's a saving of one hour fifteen minutes a week every week. Or 60 hours over the course of 48 weeks!!!

fuerte1976

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Ush1 wrote: »

These cleaners are out of control.

Are cleaners conspiring to make sure people using the facilities are moving along quickly and not destroying the place?

Are we being robbed of our rightful time on the throne?

RTE should do a Primetime Investigates on this issue.

Maybe it's a capitalist conspiracy to get the most out of the workforce? If my twenty minutes on the bog in work every day was cut down to five that's a saving of one hour fifteen minutes a week every week. Or 60 hours over the course of 48 weeks!!!

I wonder what the proper etiquette on the use of a commode would be?
Coz that's the way we're heading with these uncaring cleaners!

gerrybbadd

I've been thinking long and hard on the topic, and I feel the following annoucnment, made from the safety of the trap, with the cleaner present, should allievate the problem.

"Thatin' if ya don't fúck off and leeave me to me business, then i'll be sure to leave you something to clean up"

Utter Consternation

Playing with fire there Gerry. It's a real game of Russian roulette, if you confront the cleaner how are you to know that they will give the job 100%?

I like a pristine water closet. If you get on the wrong side of the cleaner they may not wipe the piss off the toilet seat or remove some of the sh1te cemented to the back board.

Could be a dicey situation.

mfceiling

Surely an email to HR is in order?

Dear Sir/Madam,

It has come to my attention that the cleaner is trying to clean the bathrooms at the same time I am trying to clean my bowels.
As you can imagine this is causing me great distress and my rusty bullet hole is playing havoc while she attempts to mop the floor outside.
There is only so long I can hold a loaf on the clutch and I'm afraid of putting back pressure on the brown gasket and causing a seal to bust.
Please can you ensure all cleaning takes place before 8 a.m and between the hours of 1 and 2.

Yours,

Etc, etc

Went for some company time earlier and the beast was in there mopping around. I made a tactical retreat and returned to the trap about an hour later. I had a big plate of Bolognese for dinner last night and it resulted in a rugby ball shaped depth charge this morning. Not the biggest bomb I've ever dropped, but it had serious mass. A lot of water splashed up as it dropped. I thought it was going to crack the porcelain when it hit the bottom.
A satisfying result after being turned away on the first visit vit to the traps. Set up nicely for the day ahead now.

Former Observer

SIDE NOTE: How often, if at all, do you lads spray from both holes at the same time? I find that if it's on the cards, I WILL go down that route.

I'm a stander, so I'll aim yer man backwards and drop some swill from my hole simultaneously. It's more stimulating for the senses, as sometimes you'll have urine hitting off and running down a waterfall of stinking mud, or if you're dropping loaves, you might have a little turd dancing around in the bowl as the urine jet creates a Jacuzzi effect.