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What's the etiquette here??

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    #4172
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Stevieluvsye wrote: »
    Touch of constipation i reckon Johnny. Gobble down some prune Juice

    Don’t know about that, Stevo. I’ve been on a diet of red meat, fried pig, porter, tea, and Marlboro Red since last Thursday.


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    #4173
    Stevieluvsye
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭Stevieluvsye


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Don’t know about that, Stevo. I’ve been on a diet of red meat, fried pig, porter, tea, and Marlboro Red since last Thursday.

    Diet of champions that


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    #4174
    tgdaly
    Registered Users Posts: 933 ✭✭✭tgdaly


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Something that isn’t discussed enough around here is the ‘phantom poo’. Was bursting this morning to pinch out a loaf, and headed into the jacks with my newly delivered copy of the Viz Annual. Was really looking forward to it.

    10 minutes of pushing and straining later and I emerged without having put down anchor in brown water bay. No wind either. There was nothing there.

    Has me fücking puzzled to be honest.

    If you don't mind me asking J, I assume it was a clean break as well?

    I think I might have mentioned here before, but my missus swears nearly every poo she has is a "phantom", and nearly always has a clean break as well. Is she just bullsh1ting me, is she that lucky genetically that she gets away scot free, while my deposits require more paperwork than George R R Martin bestseller.

    We're due to get married next year and is a serious concern of mine as I'm sure ye understand


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    #4175
    gerrybbadd
    Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    I can take a lot of things, not even a dose of the wild scutts bothers me.

    But one thing i cannot stand is a dose of the permanent marker pipe. There is simply nothing worse. The badge is abrased now after all the polishing earlier. Feels like a well used pin cushion. And the worst of it is, no matter how good a job you think you've done, you just know the anal lips are kissing away on the jocks, leaving its brown "lipstick" in a sticky wet patch.

    Nothing worse


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    #4176
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I surprised myself in the throne room earlier. Didn't have too much to eat last night but dropped a serious amount of ballast into the watery depths. Had to flush twice to clear the way before even commencing with the paperwork. I was astounded. Went to the gym afterwards and had a great workout, everything was in harmony and put a serious effort in today.


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    #4177
    Scoundrel
    Registered Users Posts: 1,435 ✭✭✭Scoundrel


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Don’t know about that, Stevo. I’ve been on a diet of red meat, fried pig, porter, tea, and Marlboro Red since last Thursday.

    You need to cut the tea out there Johnny that's what's wrong.


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    #4178
    Voodoomelon
    Registered Users Posts: 9,662 ✭✭✭Voodoomelon


    gerrybbadd wrote: »
    I can take a lot of things, not even a dose of the wild scutts bothers me.

    But one thing i cannot stand is a dose of the permanent marker pipe. There is simply nothing worse. The badge is abrased now after all the polishing earlier. Feels like a well used pin cushion. And the worst of it is, no matter how good a job you think you've done, you just know the anal lips are kissing away on the jocks, leaving its brown "lipstick" in a sticky wet patch.

    Nothing worse

    What's worse is when you pinch it off, like nipping a cigar with a cigar cutter, but can't get that last malteser out. So off you go about your day, with the constant 25% urge to unload some timber, but not enough of an urge to warrant a visit to the throne.

    Sure enough, on your next visit, out it pops, mockingly. The little bastard.


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    #4179
    ironingbored
    Registered Users Posts: 2,079 ✭✭✭ironingbored


    Hector Savage wrote: »
    What is it with Spain tho and people ****ting outdoors ?
    They have an OBSESSION with crapping everywhere , go to any national park and go a little out of the way and there is lumps of sh1t and sh1tty toilet paper everywhere ... disgusting.

    In Lanzarote this summer decided to visit the Timanfaya National Park. While I dreamily contemplated the “imaginary landscape in which fire, ash and ash melt", I certainly didn't expect the following:

    Unbeknownst to us at the time, there's a Starship Enterprise-shaped cultural centre at the top with a limited number of carparking spaces, which means the surplus folk are left in interminable traffic jams further down with staff letting ‘x’ number of cars through at 15-20 min intervals.

    So, we're behind the people-carrier of a Spanish family, mama, papa, and at least three sprogs all under the age of about 7. It was a constant stop-start experience which meant the dash cam leapt into action whenever we started up the car.

    After queuing stoically in the midst of this lunar landscape, the front passenger door of the car in front opens. The back passenger door followed. I looked at my wife with a mix of horror and embarrassing excitement as we both realised what was about to happen. Having created a makeshift “Faraspray Cage”, the senora hunkered down and initiated a thunderous gush of piss that seemed like it might carve out what could have become known as the Grand Canyon of Las Canarias. The traffic started up again and we had to cross the Rubicon of steaming piss.

    At the next stop, unbelievably the doors of the same car in front opened with a flurry of activity. This time the man of the casa gets out comes round the back passenger side, takes out the three-year old girl and goes 5 yards off piste among the volcanic rock formations. While holding her in an incredibly unnatural position, the baby proceeds to pump out industrial quantities of walnut whip in full view of everyone while subsequently, shít-stained baby wipes took flight in a merry dance across the Mars-like plains.

    In years to come, archaeologists will be baffled by the seemingly out of place and miniature stalag****es amongst the treasure trove of authentic volcanic structures and deposits.

    Ay Caramba!


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    #4180
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 34,170 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Something that isn’t discussed enough around here is the ‘phantom poo’. Was bursting this morning to pinch out a loaf, and headed into the jacks with my newly delivered copy of the Viz Annual. Was really looking forward to it.

    10 minutes of pushing and straining later and I emerged without having put down anchor in brown water bay. No wind either. There was nothing there.

    Has me fücking puzzled to be honest.

    Don't mean to be alarmist or anything Johnny, but that feeling of unproductive fullness is probably a large rectal tumour. Hopefully they'll get to it before it metastasizes.

    Fingal County Council are certainly not competent to be making decisions about the most important piece of infrastructure on the island. They need to stick to badly designed cycle lanes and deciding on whether Mrs Murphy can have her kitchen extension.



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    #4181
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    ironingbored wrote: »
    In Lanzarote this summer decided to visit the Timanfaya National Park. While I dreamily contemplated the “imaginary landscape in which fire, ash and ash melt", I certainly didn't expect the following:

    Unbeknownst to us at the time, there's a Starship Enterprise-shaped cultural centre at the top with a limited number of carparking spaces, which means the surplus folk are left in interminable traffic jams further down with staff letting ‘x’ number of cars through at 15-20 min intervals.

    So, we're behind the people-carrier of a Spanish family, mama, papa, and at least three sprogs all under the age of about 7. It was a constant stop-start experience which meant the dash cam leapt into action whenever we started up the car.

    After queuing stoically in the midst of this lunar landscape, the front passenger door of the car in front opens. The back passenger door followed. I looked at my wife with a mix of horror and embarrassing excitement as we both realised what was about to happen. Having created a makeshift “Faraspray Cage”, the senora hunkered down and initiated a thunderous gush of piss that seemed like it might carve out what could have become known as the Grand Canyon of Las Canarias. The traffic started up again and we had to cross the Rubicon of steaming piss.

    At the next stop, unbelievably the doors of the same car in front opened with a flurry of activity. This time the man of the casa gets out comes round the back passenger side, takes out the three-year old girl and goes 5 yards off piste among the volcanic rock formations. While holding her in an incredibly unnatural position, the baby proceeds to pump out industrial quantities of walnut whip in full view of everyone while subsequently, shít-stained baby wipes took flight in a merry dance across the Mars-like plains.

    In years to come, archaeologists will be baffled by the seemingly out of place and miniature stalag****es amongst the treasure trove of authentic volcanic structures and deposits.

    Ay Caramba!

    If this thread has taught me anything, it's that Spain is a place to be avoided.


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    #4182
    Bullocks
    Registered Users Posts: 5,890 ✭✭✭Bullocks


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    If this thread has taught me anything, it's that Spain is a place to be avoided.

    I'm heading to lanzarote in January, I must keep my eyes open for any malpractice. I might even poop alfresco myself if its the done thing over there


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    #4183
    Sharp MZ700
    Registered Users Posts: 673 ✭✭✭Sharp MZ700


    You haven't lived til you've tried it Bullocks. Nothing like uninterrupted fresh air circulation round the full of the sacs.


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    #4184
    partyguinness
    Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    Deleted User wrote: »
    If this thread has taught me anything, it's that Spain is a place to be avoided.


    Yes it does seem to pop up with alarming regularity. But having said that I was in Majorca for a week back in July and I produced some unbelievable work. In fact some of my best work ever. On a "all in" package and every morning between 9:45 and 9:55 without fail I would lay exceptional pipe- all one long chocolate baby's arm. A good 12-15 inches and never once broke- it was half way across the Mediterranean while still sticking its head out at me. And clean as a whistle to boot.

    I still reflect fondly on the week- can't remember much else about the place other than I had some wonderful dumps.


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    #4185
    partyguinness
    Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    I reckon this thread will prove to be a valuable resource over the coming 2 weeks. There should be some epic tales to come.


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    #4186
    Stewie Griffin
    Registered Users Posts: 188 ✭✭Stewie Griffin


    Fine members of the thread,
    Long time admirer, first time poster. Keep up the good work and, more importantly, maintain the gallantry and decorum that is a signature of this thread.
    I'm here to get a refresher on witticisms that may be uttered in the wake of a loud and sonorous fart in a public facility. I definitely read them here before.
    God bless this good ship HMS Scatological and all who sail in her.
    Yours in anticipation,
    Stewart Gilligan Griffin.


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    #4187
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 34,170 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Sharp MZ700 wrote: »
    You haven't lived til you've tried it Bullocks. Nothing like uninterrupted fresh air circulation round the full of the sacs.

    Got caught short myself years ago on a solo motorcycle trip in the high Pyrenees on the Spanish side. Way above the tree line. There was a brown baby demanding to be born, and no prospect of returning to civilisation in time. So parked up, all around was just mounds of featureless tiny gravel. Trudged up over the top of the nearest mound and on the side away from the 'traffic' (maybe 20 vehicles a day?) let loose. Produced a stool impressive enough I felt compelled to whip out the camera, and this was still in the film era. Thankfully a 'clean break' and no wipage necessary. With a tinge of sadness I then kicked gravel over it and went about the rest of my day. The mummified stool is in all probability still there.

    Stewie Griffin wrote: »
    I'm here to get a refresher on witticisms that may be uttered in the wake of a loud and sonorous fart in a public facility. I definitely read them here before.

    A co-worker of mine used to let rip in the office and then declaim, "Take the bones outta that."

    Fingal County Council are certainly not competent to be making decisions about the most important piece of infrastructure on the island. They need to stick to badly designed cycle lanes and deciding on whether Mrs Murphy can have her kitchen extension.



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    #4188
    Sharp MZ700
    Registered Users Posts: 673 ✭✭✭Sharp MZ700


    It's started lads. Sitting here on a customer's throne eeking out marbles on the QT. I think I've a grape on the right side up overnight.


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    #4189
    gerrybbadd
    Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Stewie Griffin wrote: »
    Fine members of the thread,
    Long time admirer, first time poster. Keep up the good work and, more importantly, maintain the gallantry and decorum that is a signature of this thread.
    I'm here to get a refresher on witticisms that may be uttered in the wake of a loud and sonorous fart in a public facility. I definitely read them here before.
    God bless this good ship HMS Scatological and all who sail in her.
    Yours in anticipation,
    Stewart Gilligan Griffin.

    I'm a fan of uttering "take small sniffs on that wan" after unleashing foul air. Or another good one - "awful aul squeek in that floorboard there"


  • Options
    #4190
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,142 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    You need to establish whether the remarks come from the farter or those in the ‘audience’.

    You could have the standard retort from the farter as the bang reverberates:

    “Get out and fcuking walk”

    “Better out than yer eye an the hole won’t be half as sore”

    Or the audience.

    ‘ And now over to the newsroom’

    ‘Another confident appeal from the Australians’. (Cricket terminology.)

    ‘ What did you eat with the kippers’

    Let us know dude.


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    #4191
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    You need to establish whether the remarks come from the farter or those in the ‘audience’.

    You could have the standard retort from the farter as the bang reverberates:

    “Get out and fcuking walk”

    “Better out than yer eye an the hole won’t be half as sore”

    Or the audience.

    ‘ And now over to the newsroom’

    ‘Another confident appeal from the Australians’. (Cricket terminology.)

    ‘ What did you eat with the kippers’

    Let us know dude.

    More tea vicar?

    A bit more choke and she would have started.

    Better out than the gable end of a house.


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    #4192
    Stewie Griffin
    Registered Users Posts: 188 ✭✭Stewie Griffin


    The cricket one is perfect. Suits the genteel and dignified nature of the discourse to be foundone here.

    I often envision this thread as the online equivalent of those gentleman's clubs where affairs of state are discussed around the fire with a fine brandy.


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    #4193
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Stewie Griffin wrote: »
    The cricket one is perfect. Suits the genteel and dignified nature of the discourse to be foundone here.

    I often envision this thread as the online equivalent of those gentleman's clubs where affairs of state are discussed around the fire with a fine brandy.

    It’s certainly one of the more highbrow threads on Boards. Psychology, pathos, philosophy, biology - has it all.


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    #4194
    Stewie Griffin
    Registered Users Posts: 188 ✭✭Stewie Griffin


    My own personal favourite contributions are when the writer applies personification to the turd they are battling against.
    Without researching in any depth, I can instantly recall one writer describing their enemy 'peeping shyly' from the bowl, while another recalls that the turd 'lay mockingly' while resisting all attempts at flushing.

    I humbly submit that these are the moments when the thread moves beyond mere discussion and becomes artistic in aspiration.

    Poetry.


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    #4195
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,142 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Indeed . ...needs a Christmas ditty


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    #4196
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,142 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Wonderful Xmas time......the Shins (to the tune of...)

    The lid is up
    The jocks is down
    A heavy club
    About to crown

    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte

    **************************************

    A little push
    The cheeks expand
    She’s on her way
    It’s goin grand

    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte

    **********************************

    A burst of wind
    A mighty plop
    Will she survive
    The sudden drop
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte

    *********************************
    The load is gone
    It’s in the pot
    Another push
    Clears out the lot
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    ******************************

    Turn on the fan
    To clear the air
    Then out the door
    And down the stair
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    ********************************

    The tables set
    The food is hot
    It’s just as well
    I filled the pot
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte


    Best recited just before Xmas dinner.


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    #4197
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 34,170 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    'Twas Christmas Eve babe
    In the septic tank...

    Fingal County Council are certainly not competent to be making decisions about the most important piece of infrastructure on the island. They need to stick to badly designed cycle lanes and deciding on whether Mrs Murphy can have her kitchen extension.



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    #4198
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 34,170 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    There's something about cheap beer that produces voluminous caustic farts.

    Picked up a slab of Coors Light for half nothing the other week - I'd never actually tried it before, expectations were low but hey it's cheap and it's got alcohol in it. Then a few days later managed to score two slabs of my cheap lager of choice - Stella - so I'm aiming to use up the Coors Shìte before the big day.

    Had a few cans last night (and a fùcking delicious snack box.) The woejus farts started this morning. In terms of volume (both auditory, and gaseous) record-setting. Then there's the smell, which is not only offensive but almost burning to the nostrils. Most unlike me, as I'm sure you'd all agree if you'd had the chance to sample my normal output.

    Was 'crop dusting' in Dunnes for over an hour, had to walk away from some of my releases myself it was that bad. Jesus. I'm still at it (although have swallied another couple of cans at this stage.) I think they use the cheapest possible grains you wouldn't feed to pigs, and this somehow leads to prodigious methane and mercaptan production. I'm not an arse scientist here btw, just an amateur.

    Still though, in terms of actual liquid output (nil) and solid output (healthy) things are grand, it's just the gaseous production which is at issue.

    Fingal County Council are certainly not competent to be making decisions about the most important piece of infrastructure on the island. They need to stick to badly designed cycle lanes and deciding on whether Mrs Murphy can have her kitchen extension.



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    #4199
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Wonderful Xmas time......the Shins (to the tune of...)

    The lid is up
    The jocks is down
    A heavy club
    About to crown

    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte

    **************************************

    A little push
    The cheeks expand
    She’s on her way
    It’s goin grand

    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte

    **********************************

    A burst of wind
    A mighty plop
    Will she survive
    The sudden drop
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte

    *********************************
    The load is gone
    It’s in the pot
    Another push
    Clears out the lot
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    ******************************

    Turn on the fan
    To clear the air
    Then out the door
    And down the stair
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    ********************************

    The tables set
    The food is hot
    It’s just as well
    I filled the pot
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas shïte


    Best recited just before Xmas dinner.

    You should do a charity version with Ed Sheeran.


  • Options
    #4200
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 34,170 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Wonderful Xmas time......the Shins (to the tune of...)

    The lid is up
    The jocks is down
    A heavy club
    About to crown

    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas sh
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas sh

    **************************************

    A little push
    The cheeks expand
    She’s on her way
    It’s goin grand

    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas sh
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas sh

    **********************************

    A burst of wind
    A mighty plop
    Will she survive
    The sudden drop
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas sh
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas sh

    *********************************
    The load is gone
    It’s in the pot
    Another push
    Clears out the lot
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas sh
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas sh
    ******************************

    Turn on the fan
    To clear the air
    Then out the door
    And down the stair
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas sh
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas sh
    ********************************

    The tables set
    The food is hot
    It’s just as well
    I filled the pot
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas sh
    Simply haavin a wonderful Christmas sh


    Best recited just before Xmas dinner.

    Very good - but what about the middle eight? "While children hold their nose - plop plop plop plop - poooooo, pooooo-oooo-ooooh, oh god, oh god, oh god"

    Fingal County Council are certainly not competent to be making decisions about the most important piece of infrastructure on the island. They need to stick to badly designed cycle lanes and deciding on whether Mrs Murphy can have her kitchen extension.



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    #4201
    tuxy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,983 ✭✭✭✭tuxy


    Stewie Griffin wrote: »
    I humbly submit that these are the moments when the thread moves beyond mere discussion and becomes artistic in aspiration.

    Poetry.

    There also a hint of coprophilia from many posters. Such a multilayered thread!


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