What's the etiquette here??

KWAG2019

Orange Wind Warning: Force 8 and rising as the storm called Lily O’Briens chocolates lands in Ireland for Christmas. Expect slates to rattle and windows to shudder. Some houses may need evacuation. Prolonged gusts will eventually die down overnight.

EmmetSpiceland

Was out on a “half and half” last night, 6 pints of stout followed by 6 pints of lager. Met up with the guys from the old “alma mater”.

Was great to “catch up” and that but I’ve been up a couple of hours, head is banging and I’ve had to make 4 or 5 toilet trips already.

The first was fairly textbook, smell wasn’t great but felt rejuvenated afterward. Next one the consistency had dropped, was the old “black porridge” spluttering out. Any subsequent visits have been hot, spitty and very loose.

My arse is raw at this stage and I know I’m nowhere near out of the woods yet. These are the days you’d long for a bidet.

Not the start I’d have chosen for the run-up to Christmas. Not by a long shot.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Was out on a “half and half” last night, 6 pints of stout followed by 6 pints of lager. Met up with the guys from the old “alma mater”.

Was great to “catch up” and that but I’ve been up a couple of hours, head is banging and I’ve had to make 4 or 5 toilet trips already.

The first was fairly textbook, smell wasn’t great but felt rejuvenated afterward. Next one the consistency had dropped, was the old “black porridge” spluttering out. Any subsequent visits have been hot, spitty and very loose.

My arse is raw at this stage and I know I’m nowhere near out of the woods yet. These are the days you’d long for a bidet.

Not the start I’d have chosen for the run-up to Christmas. Not by a long shot.

Mixing lager and stout? Disastrous and potentially dangerous behaviour. Why didn’t you buy a bit of china white while you were at it, and go chase the dragon?

Any unusual late night dining options part of the equation? Charlie’s No 5 or that dodgy kebab place on Camden Street?

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Mixing lager and stout? Disastrous and potentially dangerous behaviour. Why didn’t you buy a bit of china white while you were at it, and go chase the dragon?

Any unusual late night dining options part of the equation? Charlie’s No 5 or that dodgy kebab place on Camden Street?

I’m well aware of that, J.

It was a meal “situation” so couldn’t continue the stoutin’, had to switch to the Peroni and you know that stuff goes down easy.

There was no “fast” food on the way home. Got in early enough so slept off the worst of it, hangoverwise. But you can’t outrun the rest, still making “visits”, very acidic and very sore.

The lesson has been learned, for future reference. Should have listened to old nana Spiceland, god rest her soul, when she said “one in the belly, is two in the toilet”.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’m well aware of that, J.

It was a meal “situation” so couldn’t continue the stoutin’, had to switch to the Peroni and you know that stuff goes down easy.

There was no “fast” food on the way home. Got in early enough so slept off the worst of it, hangoverwise. But you can’t outrun the rest, still making “visits”, very acidic and very sore.

The lesson has been learned, for future reference. Should have listened to old nana Spiceland, god rest her soul, when she said “one in the belly, is two in the toilet”.

Did Nana Spiceland ever mention the two scoops of bisto gravy trick? Mix with a small bit of water and down the hatch.

Brendan Bendar

tuxy wrote: »

There also a hint of coprophilia from many posters. Such a multilayered thread!

Strong bang of camphor balls and stale piss off that post.

The fcuking whack!!!

Someone ..light up a fragrance candle or sommit.

Nevin Parsnipp

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Strong bang of camphor balls and stale piss off that post.

The fcuking whack!!!

Someone ..light up a fragrance candle or sommit.

Think you will find "Fragrance Candles" in short supply around these parts Ben...Acrid...Cloying...Pungent.... fart smell is the "Fragrance of Choice" around here.

Mixed with stale piss and "5 day" skiddies.......

Not for the faint hearted ..efende.

fuerte1976

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Think you will find "Fragrance Candles" in short supply around these parts Ben...Acrid...Cloying...Pungent.... fart smell is the "Fragrance of Choice" around here.

Mixed with stale piss and "5 day" skiddies.......

Not for the faint hearted ..efende.

Yep, the original 'eau de toilet '..

Edit.. Yes, the misspelled toilette is on purpose..

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Think you will find "Fragrance Candles" in short supply around these parts Ben...Acrid...Cloying...Pungent.... fart smell is the "Fragrance of Choice" around here.

Mixed with stale piss and "5 day" skiddies.......

Not for the faint hearted ..efende.

You could have something there Nevin, I’ve seen sets of skids which looked like they had a Mars Bar walked into them, the ‘whack’ off them would disable an adult whippet.

Bullocks

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

You could have something there Nevin, I’ve seen sets of skids which looked like they had a Mars Bar walked into them, the ‘whack’ off them would disable an adult whippet.

Where would you have seen these sets of skids Ben?

Hector Savage

ironingbored wrote: »

In Lanzarote this summer decided to visit the Timanfaya National Park. While I dreamily contemplated the “imaginary landscape in which fire, ash and ash melt", I certainly didn't expect the following:

Unbeknownst to us at the time, there's a Starship Enterprise-shaped cultural centre at the top with a limited number of carparking spaces, which means the surplus folk are left in interminable traffic jams further down with staff letting ‘x’ number of cars through at 15-20 min intervals.

So, we're behind the people-carrier of a Spanish family, mama, papa, and at least three sprogs all under the age of about 7. It was a constant stop-start experience which meant the dash cam leapt into action whenever we started up the car.

After queuing stoically in the midst of this lunar landscape, the front passenger door of the car in front opens. The back passenger door followed. I looked at my wife with a mix of horror and embarrassing excitement as we both realised what was about to happen. Having created a makeshift “Faraspray Cage”, the senora hunkered down and initiated a thunderous gush of piss that seemed like it might carve out what could have become known as the Grand Canyon of Las Canarias. The traffic started up again and we had to cross the Rubicon of steaming piss.

At the next stop, unbelievably the doors of the same car in front opened with a flurry of activity. This time the man of the casa gets out comes round the back passenger side, takes out the three-year old girl and goes 5 yards off piste among the volcanic rock formations. While holding her in an incredibly unnatural position, the baby proceeds to pump out industrial quantities of walnut whip in full view of everyone while subsequently, shít-stained baby wipes took flight in a merry dance across the Mars-like plains.

In years to come, archaeologists will be baffled by the seemingly out of place and miniature stalag****es amongst the treasure trove of authentic volcanic structures and deposits.

Ay Caramba!

This pisses me off...

This is rife in Spain, they have an unhealthily relaxed attitude to sh*tting in public it seems.

Go to any national park in spain, just full of ****ty toilet paper on the ground, filthy feckin kernts...

Pintman Paddy Losty

Just spent a month in the can over a joke. Was it worth it? Probably to be honest.

Anyway, I've had many memorable sh1tes over the month, what with it being the festive season and all. I've basically spent the last 3 weeks eating food rich in butter, cream and gravy. Generally preceded by 4 pints of porter, washed down with a bottle of red wine and finished with a few gin and tonics.

As you can imagine the downstairs toilet in Chez Patrice is in no great shakes. I've been banished from the en suite by the wife so have been excreting in the cold toilet out in the utility downstairs. One major gripe I have with that facility is the plumber placed the throne too close to the wall. Not a pleasant feeling when your thigh is pressed against a cold tile wall when your purple headed and trying to forced out a constipated crap.

Anyway, good to be back. There was many occasions that I could have done with the sage advice of the fine posters on this thread to get me through some sticky situations.

tgdaly

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Just spent a month in the can over a joke. Was it worth it? Probably to be honest.

Anyway, I've had many memorable sh1tes over the month, what with it being the festive season and all. I've basically spent the last 3 weeks eating food rich in butter, cream and gravy. Generally preceded by 4 pints of porter, washed down with a bottle of red wine and finished with a few gin and tonics.

As you can imagine the downstairs toilet in Chez Patrice is in no great shakes. I've been banished from the en suite by the wife so have been excreting in the cold toilet out in the utility downstairs. One major gripe I have with that facility is the plumber placed the throne too close to the wall. Not a pleasant feeling when your thigh is pressed against a cold tile wall when your purple headed and trying to forced out a constipated crap.

Anyway, good to be back. There was many occasions that I could have done with the sage advice of the fine posters on this thread to get me through some sticky situations.

Good to have you back Pintman, you were missed around these parts

Hector Savage

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Just spent a month in the can over a joke. Was it worth it? Probably to be honest.

Anyway, I've had many memorable sh1tes over the month, what with it being the festive season and all. I've basically spent the last 3 weeks eating food rich in butter, cream and gravy. Generally preceded by 4 pints of porter, washed down with a bottle of red wine and finished with a few gin and tonics.

As you can imagine the downstairs toilet in Chez Patrice is in no great shakes. I've been banished from the en suite by the wife so have been excreting in the cold toilet out in the utility downstairs. One major gripe I have with that facility is the plumber placed the throne too close to the wall. Not a pleasant feeling when your thigh is pressed against a cold tile wall when your purple headed and trying to forced out a constipated crap.

Anyway, good to be back. There was many occasions that I could have done with the sage advice of the fine posters on this thread to get me through some sticky situations.

Welcome back Pintman !

NeinNeinNein

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

I think they use the cheapest possible grains you wouldn't feed to pigs, and this somehow leads to prodigious methane and mercaptan production. I'm not an arse scientist here btw, just an amateur.

I want this on a t-shirt.

Brendan Bendar

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Just spent a month in the can over a joke. Was it worth it? Probably to be honest.

Anyway, I've had many memorable sh1tes over the month, what with it being the festive season and all. I've basically spent the last 3 weeks eating food rich in butter, cream and gravy. Generally preceded by 4 pints of porter, washed down with a bottle of red wine and finished with a few gin and tonics.

As you can imagine the downstairs toilet in Chez Patrice is in no great shakes. I've been banished from the en suite by the wife so have been excreting in the cold toilet out in the utility downstairs. One major gripe I have with that facility is the plumber placed the throne too close to the wall. Not a pleasant feeling when your thigh is pressed against a cold tile wall when your purple headed and trying to forced out a constipated crap.

Anyway, good to be back. There was many occasions that I could have done with the sage advice of the fine posters on this thread to get me through some sticky situations.

Welcome back Pat, the boy Parsnipp wasn’t too happy to see you back ‘on the pan’ so to speak, muttering something about ‘gobby kernt’ or sommit.

I said “Lighten up,dude, it’s Xmas time to let go”

More muttering.....

JohnnyFlash

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Just spent a month in the can over a joke. Was it worth it? Probably to be honest.

Anyway, I've had many memorable sh1tes over the month, what with it being the festive season and all. I've basically spent the last 3 weeks eating food rich in butter, cream and gravy. Generally preceded by 4 pints of porter, washed down with a bottle of red wine and finished with a few gin and tonics.

As you can imagine the downstairs toilet in Chez Patrice is in no great shakes. I've been banished from the en suite by the wife so have been excreting in the cold toilet out in the utility downstairs. One major gripe I have with that facility is the plumber placed the throne too close to the wall. Not a pleasant feeling when your thigh is pressed against a cold tile wall when your purple headed and trying to forced out a constipated crap.

Anyway, good to be back. There was many occasions that I could have done with the sage advice of the fine posters on this thread to get me through some sticky situations.

Did you have to ‘slop out’ while doing a stretch in Boards State Pen? Hope you weren’t ‘interfered with’ in the showers either. There’s a couple of ‘authority figures’ around here who strike me as proper sex pests. The ‘any hole is a goal’ gang.

Hector Savage

sloppin out ... jaysus ... any ex prisoners - as in real ex prisoners of the joy on here that can give us some stories ?


or it might be too much, even for this feckin thread ... jaysys!!!

Pintman Paddy Losty

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Welcome back Pat, the boy Parsnipp wasn’t too happy to see you back ‘on the pan’ so to speak, muttering something about ‘gobby kernt’ or sommit.

I said “Lighten up,dude, it’s Xmas time to let go”

More muttering.....

Thanks very much for the welcome back Brendan. I see you were also defending me from some pretty nasty allegations by Parsnipp earlier in the thread.

To be honest dude, it doesn't bother me. I know well what Nevin is like. He's the type of chap that has great difficulty in producing a type 4 on the Bristol stool chart. He spends an awful lot of time bound up from eating cheap snacks, airplane food and pre-packed sandwiches. Goes with the territory for a man in the high paced world of FMCG.

It's to be expected that he's a bit of a narky and cantankerous kernt.

gerrybbadd

Paddy, a Christmas miracle - you're most welcome back. You've been missed.

Lads, twas the childs birthday party yesterday. Standard enough fare, ham salad and egg salad sandwiches. Sausage rolls, coctail sausages, chicken nuggets, and piles of sweets. Oh, and rice Krispie buns.

Well, my own buns are producing something very similar in colour and texture today. No wild noxious smell or anything, just plenty of it.

KWAG2019

Trump must have got a rotten burger recently. Ranting about tremendous fumes and gases at a rally. Spewing he says, spewing into the atmosphere. Tremendous. I pity the poor Armitage Shanks, gone a shade of orange at this stage. Tremendous fumes. And gases.

Hector Savage

<snip> ...oops!

Motdyeah

Probably my worst expierence was the 2nd night on a stag and it was 3AM in the morning. Anyway my stomach wasn’t the best after guzzling maybe 15 pints of Guinness the day before and again the 2nd day. I was trying to get a taxi to no avail. Anyway what I thought was a fart was long slurry Watery ****e now in my boxers and dripping down the leg.

I found an empty lane and sure down with the pants, off with the boxers and off with the socks. I proceeded to clean me whole with the socks and wipe down the water debris on the inside of my pants with the socks.

I’m sure when I eventually got a taxi he could smell it. I think that’s my worst poop story. Never trust a Guinness fart.

Hector Savage

oops!! sorry , that was for Joe and DA LAHVLINE!!!

JimmieTwoTimes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Did you have to ‘slop out’ while doing a stretch in Boards State Pen? Hope you weren’t ‘interfered with’ in the showers either. There’s a couple of ‘authority figures’ around here who strike me as proper sex pests. The ‘any hole is a goal’ gang.

Speaking of the topic. Found a video on US prison toilet etiquette explained by an ex convict. Skip to 0:34.

sligojoek

Hector Savage wrote: »

oops!! sorry , that was for Joe and DA LAHVLINE!!!

Another steaming pile of sh1te.

JohnnyFlash

Perfect last minute gift for the mother in law.

JohnnyFlash

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Perfect last minute gift for the mother in law.

Looks more like an amplifier not a filter!

Dr Strange

Deleted User wrote: »

Looks more like an amplifier not a filter!

It depends which way round its inserted.

JohnnyFlash

Dr Strange wrote: »

It depends which way round its inserted.

I think it’s designed to change the odour and not the noise of the bottom burp. Instead of letting one go that stinks of Bombay mix, warm stout, and brussel sprouts you could release one that smells of fresh pine or maybe cranberry sauce.

The entire family remarking on the wonderful smell in the room, and encouraging you to fart freely. Sounds ideal.