What's the etiquette here??

gerrybbadd

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I think it’s designed to change the odour and not the noise of the bottom burp. Instead of letting one go that stinks of Bombay mix, warm stout, and brussel sprouts you could release one that smells of fresh pine or maybe cranberry sauce.

The entire family remarking on the wonderful smell in the room, and encouraging you to fart freely. Sounds ideal.

It really is the most wonderful time of the year

Hotblack Desiato

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Just spent a month in the can over a joke.

I read that as a month on the can. Not fun.

dulpit

I was in Tesco late last night (after midnight), and a couple in their 40s came around the corner as I was looking for fruit, and they found the display of Brussel sprouts, at which point they both audibly cheered and the woman jumped up and down. Made me wonder if they will be perusing this thread at some point tomorrow...

Utter Consternation

My missus makes lovely lasagna but it absolutely blows the arse off me. I'd a big feed of it last night, all i can say is that the fallout was loose and loud.

Feel considerably lighter after the 'evacuation' nonetheless.

Hotblack Desiato

dulpit wrote: »

I was in Tesco late last night (after midnight), and a couple in their 40s came around the corner as I was looking for fruit, and they found the display of Brussel sprouts, at which point they both audibly cheered and the woman jumped up and down. Made me wonder if they will be perusing this thread at some point tomorrow...

If I'd been in the shops with the mrs yesterday, instead of at work, that could have been us. What we call the "bouncy castle sprout eaters" had cleaned Dunnes out of sprouts, we had one bag in the freezer but wanted more to be sure Thankfully adequate reserves were secured yesterday.

We eat sprouts year round, even the kids love 'em. Meanwhile the bouncy castle sprout eaters will boil them into a mush, leave most of them on their plate and give out about "bloody sprouts". Well DON'T BUY THEM THEN.

DEFTLEFTHAND

Some smell emanating from my master jacks room this morning, had a crowd of ignorant fckers over last night for a doo. They've destroyed my vintage Armitage Shanks pull chain. She'll be off limits over Christmas until I can get an engineer in there to service her.

Will have to make do the SWC Langley in the downstairs facility. A souless device, lacks the charm and grace of the A.S.

bodun

I have an unusual affliction in that whenever I go on holidays the whole (hole) system shuts down for several days. It could be anything up to 5 days before I get relief, but in saying that I’m never too badly blocked up but when the need arrives it usually arrives with terrific urgency and leaves a terrible aftermath.
I remember a particularly fraught experience in a hostel on Via Marsala near Rome’s Termini train station. It was one of the first trips I took with my now wife and that she stayed with me after what I did to that toilet after 5 days eating Italian food from Venice through Florence and onto Rome is testament to her courage and endurance. It took three separate visits in the space of 45 minutes to clear the pipes and the stench was astonishing with thick black soup the order of the day.

My most recent holiday experience involved a 5 day stint on the east coast of the USA. My brother and I headed off for a driving holiday starting in NYC and heading to Philly and Washington and then back to NYC. Anyway after 5 days of driving, with good eating and drinking behind us we headed back to NYC to fly home. On the way we stopped in a mall on the outskirts of NYC to buy some trinkets our families at home. By this stage I hadn’t passed a log since I left the old sod so as you can imagine I was carrying a full load. I knew on entering the mall that the torpedo was in the tube waiting for launch. I headed for the bathroom as the yanks like to call it (even though there’s never a bath there, an odd bunch yanks are really) only to find that they were in the process of being cleaned. I now had a good 5-6 days dung hanging by a thread on the clutch. So I sat down in the food court hoping and praying that I they were nearly finished. I noticed a number of septuagenarians hovering around the entrance waiting also, also now doubt with cargos of slurry to be deposited, I knew I’d have to beat at least one of them to a stall so.

Anyway, I watched with eagerness for the green light and dashed past a number of doddery OAPs and found myself with the pick of the newly rinsed traps, I settled for the corner one which for some reason had a much larger footprint than the others, it may have been a disabled one but had no sign on the door, I had no time to quibble now as the enemy was very much at the gate. I sat down and awaited for deliverance from evil. And then relief.

American toilets have an unusual feature in that the water is stored in the pan and not in the cistern like here. So anyway I finish up and there to my surprise was an unbroken 18 inch snake of leavings. The lack of gravity caused by the full pan had allowed this stercobilin serpent escape unbowed. So there he floated like something that might be found in the Amazon. An amazing specimen that hasn’t been repeated since. Despite its length, it was a comfortable 4 on the Bristol scale and remarkably I drew and ace when cleaning. It took two flushes to send him on his way to the East river, I was sad to see him go really, you never know if this will be a regular occurrence or will this be the highlight of my digestive career.

Brendan Bendar

bodun wrote: »

I have an unusual affliction in that whenever I go on holidays the whole (hole) system shuts down for several days. It could be anything up to 5 days before I get relief, but in saying that I’m never too badly blocked up but when the need arrives it usually arrives with terrific urgency and leaves a terrible aftermath.
I remember a particularly fraught experience in a hostel on Via Marsala near Rome’s Termini train station. It was one of the first trips I took with my now wife and that she stayed with me after what I did to that toilet after 5 days eating Italian food from Venice through Florence and onto Rome is testament to her courage and endurance. It took three separate visits in the space of 45 minutes to clear the pipes and the stench was astonishing with thick black soup the order of the day.

My most recent holiday experience involved a 5 day stint on the east coast of the USA. My brother and I headed off for a driving holiday starting in NYC and heading to Philly and Washington and then back to NYC. Anyway after 5 days of driving, with good eating and drinking behind us we headed back to NYC to fly home. On the way we stopped in a mall on the outskirts of NYC to buy some trinkets our families at home. By this stage I hadn’t passed a log since I left the old sod so as you can imagine I was carrying a full load. I knew on entering the mall that the torpedo was in the tube waiting for launch. I headed for the bathroom as the yanks like to call it (even though there’s never a bath there, an odd bunch yanks are really) only to find that they were in the process of being cleaned. I now had a good 5-6 days dung hanging by a thread on the clutch. So I sat down in the food court hoping and praying that I they were nearly finished. I noticed a number of septuagenarians hovering around the entrance waiting also, also now doubt with cargos of slurry to be deposited, I knew I’d have to beat at least one of them to a stall so.

Anyway, I watched with eagerness for the green light and dashed past a number of doddery OAPs and found myself with the pick of the newly rinsed traps, I settled for the corner one which for some reason had a much larger footprint than the others, it may have been a disabled one but had no sign on the door, I had no time to quibble now as the enemy was very much at the gate. I sat down and awaited for deliverance from evil. And then relief.

American toilets have an unusual feature in that the water is stored in the pan and not in the cistern like here. So anyway I finish up and there to my surprise was an unbroken 18 inch snake of leavings. The lack of gravity caused by the full pan had allowed this stercobilin serpent escape unbowed. So there he floated like something that might be found in the Amazon. An amazing specimen that hasn’t been repeated since. Despite its length, it was a comfortable 4 on the Bristol scale and remarkably I drew and ace when cleaning. It took two flushes to send him on his way to the East river, I was sad to see him go really, you never know if this will be a regular occurrence or will this be the highlight of my digestive career.

Good result, at least it didn’t cost a sawbuck when I emptied my guts in a hotel bowel on Long Island and the fcuker wouldn’t shift despite serious attempts.

Had to go down to reception and a dude came up and took a look, looked at me and smiled, “That bad boy there is a 10 buck load, bro”.

“ Load up” says I , “and get the fcuker out of here”

Everybody was happy with the result.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Good result, at least it didn’t cost a sawbuck when I emptied my guts in a hotel bowel on Long Island and the fcuker wouldn’t shift despite serious attempts.

Had to go down to reception and a dude came up and took a look, looked at me and smiled, “That bad boy there is a 10 buck load, bro”.

“ Load up” says I , “and get the fcuker out of here”

Everybody was happy with the result.

You’ve a lot of misfortune with the water closets over Stateside, Brendan. Terrible designs in fairness. The ones where your sweetbreads are almost touching the water. Fat cûnts.

Cartman78

Well lads (and any ladies that may wander in here by accident).

I stumbled onto this thread a few weeks ago (possibly while engaged in a trap etiquette Mexican style stand-off) and for reasons that I can't explain I've taken it upon myself to "read" through the entire "dump" of posts in chronological order.

I'm up as far as early October now and it's been a helluva "journey" so far....the detailed exploits of chino wearing, golf playing "civil" servants are both "entertaining" and "educational".....I just hope that one day that representatives from the HSE, local government, the Gardai etc will read this thread as the lessons learned could be invaluable for the country as a "whole".

Anyway, I hope one day to make my own "contribution" on here but for the moment I'll just pass on Seasons Greetings to all and for god sake lads....take it handy on the pudding and "custard" in the coming days...a very dangerous time for gastro "systems" everywhere

Stewie Griffin

Loving the "stercobilin serpent" there, bodun. Top class alliteration there, Sir. Chapeau.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I had to Google stercoblin.

This thread gives entertainment, education and aestheticism all in one.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You’ve a lot of misfortune with the water closets over Stateside, Brendan. Terrible designs in fairness. The ones where your sweetbreads are almost touching the water. Fat cûnts.

You are not wrong,John, cannot understand the fcuking design of the pot being almost brimming with water.

Like, your ball bag is up to the root in the water, especially in hot humid weather, fcuker is like a bats wing, how can that be good design.

If you blow a loose load,like a 2kg sack of Master McGrath, the lot is swilling around your nutpurse like a school of pirhannas.

Love someone to explain the theory of it to me.

Ush1

Merry sh*tmas lads!

Pintman Paddy Losty

Brendan. Hope therell be a Christmas tune tomorrow?

Nevin Parsnipp

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Brendan. Hope therell be a Christmas tune tomorrow?

Ah ! Losty...you are back I see.....got the acrid smell of stale bag kelp and Lynx Africa and figured you had to be back around these parts.

Could I arsk you to confine your comments to the thread in question...i.e the etiquette of sh1ttery...... and refrain from sending vile and insulting messages to respected posters ?

Thank you...

Pintman Paddy Losty

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Ah ! Losty...you are back I see.....got the acrid smell of stale bag kelp and Lynx Africa and figured you had to be back around these parts.

Could I arsk you to confine your comments to the thread in question...i.e the etiquette of sh1ttery...... and refrain from sending vile and insulting messages to respected posters ?

Thank you...

Very personal comments there Nevin! My odour is fresh and clean. Dior Savauge.

I'll send whatever messages I want you cider soaked sot. Lighten up you old booze hound.

padd b1975

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Did you have to ‘slop out’ while doing a stretch in Boards State Pen? Hope you weren’t ‘interfered with’ in the showers either. There’s a couple of ‘authority figures’ around here who strike me as proper sex pests. The ‘any hole is a goal’ gang.

The type of lads who "insist" on doing their own computer repairs.

Aglomerado

Looking forward to tales of yule logs in the coming days.
One of my finest hours from last Christmas was, post dinner, releasing a ripper of a fart which had both sound and fury. Even though we were in a large room, my father stood up and walked out, calling me 'a walking Sh1thouse'

Bullocks

Aglomerado wrote: »

Looking forward to tales of yule logs in the coming days.
One of my finest hours from last Christmas was, post dinner, releasing a ripper of a fart which had both sound and fury. Even though we were in a large room, my father stood up and walked out, calling me 'a walking Sh1thouse'

Obviously he was ate with jealousy that he couldn't match you in his advancing years. It was a moment of powershift and he knew it!

Happy Christmas to ye and may yer bowels remain healthy in the new year

KWAG2019

It’s senior Hurling now lads.

Aglomerado

Parp.

Nevin Parsnipp

Just spooled out a thick hawser of semi-solid for first post Christmas log.

Nice dark colour and firm texture...with a bang giving hints of cranberry and a faint but unmistakable whiff of Karpackie beer.

Was minded to leave her "rest" in the pan for mutual family admiration...but realised that not everybody has my appreciation for a good sh1te !

N.P.

Voodoomelon

After the dinner yesterday I was moping about the house with a real sluggish feel. Stopped off in the jacks for 30 mutes to see if anything would happen and lo and behold I near filled the pan above the waterline. Rejoined the festivities with a spring in my step.

Only to drive home just 2 hours later and drop exactly the same amount again in to my own throne. Remarkable really what the body can hold on to, there must have been a good 3kg of pipe laid in just a few hours. Slipped out nice and easily too, no doubt the copious amounts of smoked salmon and brown bread from earlier in the day oiled the lines nicely.

JohnnyFlash

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Just spooled out a thick hawser of semi-solid for first post Christmas log.

Nice dark colour and firm texture...with a bang giving hints of cranberry and a faint but unmistakable whiff of Karpackie beer.

Was minded to leave her "rest" in the pan for mutual family admiration...but realised that not everybody has my appreciation for a good sh1te !

N.P.

Sharp MZ700

I had 4 sh1ts yesterday, each one a pure and absolute pleasure. From black in the morning after the 8 pints on Christmas eve to a slight citrusy ringburn last night( I'm a hoor for Fanta Lemon), textures silky smooth, wafts of rosemary and thyme tinged with dank heavy grapy undertones.
Put the Ideal hidden cistern job out of commission on my third go though, the aul Swan neck choked on what I fed it, I put a strip of masking tape across the lid to keep it shut lest I forget myself and top it up. A job for some broke hungover plumber in the New Year. I've two other jaxxes so should be OK.

Aglomerado

Mostly liquid in this house this morning for everyone. Nothing off with the dinner as far as we can tell. Only one toilet between 3 people so I may be repeating my Spanish field sh1tting sometime today, or else I will adjourn to my brother's house which, like mine, has 3 thrones.
The hum in the jax is unimaginable,the window is open and door has to remain closed to prevent the smell dispersal
Hoping no wren boys will decide to call to the back door, they'll be overcome by the fumes.

Bullocks

Aglomerado wrote: »

Mostly liquid in this house this morning for everyone. Nothing off with the dinner as far as we can tell. Only one toilet between 3 people so I may be repeating my Spanish field sh1tting sometime today, or else I will adjourn to my brother's house which, like mine, has 3 thrones.
The hum in the jax is unimaginable,the window is open and door has to remain closed to prevent the smell dispersal
Hoping no wren boys will decide to call to the back door, they'll be overcome by the fumes.

Safer for yourself to stay out of that jax if the other two are squitting aswell.
Give your hole better biosecurity and run it out the back over the grass

Aglomerado

Bullocks wrote: »

Safer for yourself to stay out of that jax if the other two are squitting aswell.
Give your hole better biosecurity and run it out the back over the grass

on the toilet right now
2019 will be remembered as our Brown Christmas

Jeez this thread has more detail than the article I read in the student Union free rag about Lincoln log poo, bunny poo, Mexican food $hit back in the day.

armaghlad

Bitterly disappointed with deposits for the last number of days, failing to live up to the promise one expects at this time of year. Intermittent and pathetic. The farts however have been noxious and unbearable, and that’s just for me. Took a quick foray earlier up to Belfast for a spot of shopping, heated leather seats are not ideal when you’re emitting fumes that would make a Charolais blush. Suffice to say the passengers were none too impressed. Wafting the air up from your crotch for all to appreciate just before opening the window is a guilty pleasure of mine.