What's the etiquette here??

Sharp MZ700 · 17-12-2019 11:46am

Ate one of those Iceland Cottage Pies there Saturday lads, I knew even as I was eating it Id be splattering down the back door within the hour, but that didn't stop me. I'd a few Merlots in me at this stage.
Her indoors is looking to defrost the freezer for Christmas so I've been tasked with emptying it out, alas. Everything from Good fellas to flucking frozen broccoli and shii1te sausage rolls the mainstay these last few days.
83 minutes later I'm welded to the top rim of the jax in the ensuite( my safe zone), spraying the back wall of the cistern like a bicycle with no mudguards on a wet day. On and on and thankfully painlessly enough went the arse trumpet, I even got a few notes of Frosty the Snowman going at one stage.
The stench at this stage was beginning to waft down the stairs, nothing too hazardous, but the daughter has a nose like a fox-" dad close the door it's coming down here", but then it hit me.
I dunno but the image of that thick brown arse vapour slowly creeping downwards got me thinking.. LIQUID NITROGEN!

Eureka! A small can of this stuff instead of air freshener... Finish your business, zap the jax, freeze the bejaysus of the foul midden thus trapping all the fents and odours associated and send the whole frozen lot like an U Bahn into oblivion!
What's not to like? I can just see it sitting there on the shelf pride of place alongside your Lancomes, Calvin Kleins Vera Wangs, small classy brown turd-shaped bottle of LN2, "Your pipes never smelled this good".

Is it a goer?

Brendan Bendar · 17-12-2019 11:54am

armaghlad wrote: »

The thread title needs changed. It’s about etiquette. Not about carrying about a soiled rag to bring home to wash for re-use. Reprobate behaviour.

Just giving some practical advice on the lads problem.

I’m very aware of the issues involved here, paper thin cheap flimsy arse paper presented to clean up a ‘blown muzzle’.

Personally I would rather carry a contained unit home for ‘ re use ‘ than a hoop well crusted in chunky midden, and handing your skiddies to Mrs Armagh and saying ‘ Better give those a scrape of the big spatula before washing,love, and throw in an extra capsule while you are at it”

Then going up for a shower to try to shift the clagg...

There’s global warming to think of here lad.... just sayin’.

Bullocks · 17-12-2019 11:56am

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Ate one of those Iceland Cottage Pies there Saturday lads, I knew even as I was eating it Id be splattering down the back door within the hour, but that didn't stop me. I'd a few Merlots in me at this stage.
Her indoors is looking to defrost the freezer for Christmas so I've been tasked with emptying it out, alas. Everything from Good fellas to flucking frozen broccoli and shii1te sausage rolls the mainstay these last few days.
83 minutes later I'm welded to the top rim of the jax in the ensuite( my safe zone), spraying the back wall of the cistern like a bicycle with no mudguards on a wet day. On and on and thankfully painlessly enough went the arse trumpet, I even got a few notes of Frosty the Snowman going at one stage.
The stench at this stage was beginning to waft down the stairs, nothing too hazardous, but the daughter has a nose like a fox-" dad close the door it's coming down here", but then it hit me.
I dunno but the image of that thick brown arse vapour slowly creeping downwards got me thinking.. LIQUID NITROGEN!

Eureka! A small can of this stuff instead of air freshener... Finish your business, zap the jax, freeze the bejaysus of the foul midden thus trapping all the fents and odours associated and send the whole frozen lot like an U Bahn into oblivion!
What's not to like? I can just see it sitting there on the shelf pride of place alongside your Lancomes, Calvin Kleins Vera Wangs, small classy brown turd-shaped bottle of LN2, "Your pipes never smelled this good".

Is it a goer?

Too dangerous, someone would definitely freeze the tip off their Johnson and sue the company after.

Sharp MZ700 · 17-12-2019 12:00pm

Bullocks wrote: »

Too dangerous, someone would definitely freeze the tip off their Johnson and sue the company after.

Hmmm. Some kind of gauze or the cap improvised as a helmet I'm thinking. With a government health warning. RISK OF COCK ICE!

otis · 17-12-2019 12:00pm

Long time lurker, first time contributor to what is surely one of the most informative and useful threads on Boards.

Anyway, saw this earlier and immediately thought that is is rather apt for here, enjoy!

https://thegrandtourfans.com/james-may-on-the-wonder-of-japanese-toilets/?fbclid=IwAR2wWtRcGXBCTWA5uhQnOMjXPebeixq99T6MPWjC-AO_yXKbQmwyIK_FM2M

armaghlad · 17-12-2019 12:11pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Just giving some practical advice on the lads problem.

I’m very aware of the issues involved here, paper thin cheap flimsy arse paper presented to clean up a ‘blown muzzle’.

Personally I would rather carry a contained unit home for ‘ re use ‘ than a hoop well crusted in chunky midden, and handing your skiddies to Mrs Armagh and saying ‘ Better give those a scrape of the big spatula before washing,love, and throw in an extra capsule while you are at it”

Then going up for a shower to try to shift the clagg...

There’s global warming to think of here lad.... just sayin’.

So you’d prefer to hand Mrs Bendar a crusty towel instead and explain to her that: no, that isn’t fake tan and yes, I do intend on re-using that.

Sorry Brendan, it’s a no from me. You’re starting to sound like that Spanish lad. A much more practical solution would be to invest in some premium paper for personal emergency use in the workplace. A secret hiding place and Robert’s your aunt’s husband. As I have stated here before I am loathe to shíting on company time unless absolutely necessary so it’s unlikely I will ever face such a predicament.

Brendan Bendar · 17-12-2019 12:20pm

armaghlad wrote: »

So you’d prefer to hand Mrs Bendar a crusty towel instead and explain to her that: no, that isn’t fake tan and yes, I do intend on re-using that.

Sorry Brendan, it’s a no from me. You’re starting to sound like that Spanish lad. A much more practical solution would be to invest in some premium paper for personal emergency use in the workplace. A secret hiding place and Robert’s your aunt’s husband. As I have stated here before I am loathe to shíting on company time unless absolutely necessary so it’s unlikely I will ever face such a predicament.

A bit upset you are comparing me to that Spanish lad, I didn’t appreciate the dude either.

Always try to stay reasonably on topic.

I was just suggesting a solution to the lad, if he or she wasn’t happy with the suggestion, fair enough.

Just trying to help.

Hector Savage · 17-12-2019 12:29pm

armaghlad wrote: »

The thread title needs changed. It’s about etiquette. Not about carrying about a soiled rag to bring home to wash for re-use. Reprobate behaviour.

I didn't carry mine home, I put it in the jax bin.

Hector Savage · 17-12-2019 12:31pm

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Ate one of those Iceland Cottage Pies there Saturday lads, I knew even as I was eating it Id be splattering down the back door within the hour, but that didn't stop me. I'd a few Merlots in me at this stage.
Her indoors is looking to defrost the freezer for Christmas so I've been tasked with emptying it out, alas. Everything from Good fellas to flucking frozen broccoli and shii1te sausage rolls the mainstay these last few days.
83 minutes later I'm welded to the top rim of the jax in the ensuite( my safe zone), spraying the back wall of the cistern like a bicycle with no mudguards on a wet day. On and on and thankfully painlessly enough went the arse trumpet, I even got a few notes of Frosty the Snowman going at one stage.
The stench at this stage was beginning to waft down the stairs, nothing too hazardous, but the daughter has a nose like a fox-" dad close the door it's coming down here", but then it hit me.
I dunno but the image of that thick brown arse vapour slowly creeping downwards got me thinking.. LIQUID NITROGEN!

Eureka! A small can of this stuff instead of air freshener... Finish your business, zap the jax, freeze the bejaysus of the foul midden thus trapping all the fents and odours associated and send the whole frozen lot like an U Bahn into oblivion!
What's not to like? I can just see it sitting there on the shelf pride of place alongside your Lancomes, Calvin Kleins Vera Wangs, small classy brown turd-shaped bottle of LN2, "Your pipes never smelled this good".

Is it a goer?

Sounds great, but I'd be concerned about the energy requirements in freezing nitrogen.

Hector Savage · 17-12-2019 12:34pm

armaghlad wrote: »

So you’d prefer to hand Mrs Bendar a crusty towel instead and explain to her that: no, that isn’t fake tan and yes, I do intend on re-using that.

Sorry Brendan, it’s a no from me. You’re starting to sound like that Spanish lad. A much more practical solution would be to invest in some premium paper for personal emergency use in the workplace. A secret hiding place and Robert’s your aunt’s husband. As I have stated here before I am loathe to shíting on company time unless absolutely necessary so it’s unlikely I will ever face such a predicament.

ah come on now!!

It's a far cry from sh*ting in a tupperware container, freezing it and taking it into work to dispose of !!

Giving the tupper a quick rinse, and then using it to prepare prawns the following sunday for a garden party.

Deebles McBeebles · 17-12-2019 12:53pm

armaghlad wrote: »

I am loathe to shíting on company time unless absolutely necessary

That is the most disgusting thing I've seen on this thread so far. I include the lad in Spain with the bad pipes and tupperware.

EmmetSpiceland · 17-12-2019 1:15pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Just giving some practical advice on the lads problem.

Some people, eh, B? I got similar when I “suggested” that everyone should have a, sturdy, plastic bag and a roll of bog roll in the boot of the car.

Sometimes you have to get practical. Carrying a small bag on your person isn’t a bad idea either. Gotta think like a scout, you know, “be prepared”. Was never in the scouts, myself, but the point stands.

I also advised that a wire hanger be the first thing put into the suitcase before going on a foreign trip. Most “modern” hotels have those hangers that can’t be removed so you’ll be in “hot water” if you drop a monster load that chokes up the jacks.

Once you’ve got the hanger with you, with a little stretch you’re sorted. An implement like that will clear any blockages. Perfect for giving it “the chop”.

Don’t let ‘em get you down, B. Stay strong.

Brendan Bendar · 17-12-2019 2:58pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Some people, eh, B? I got similar when I “suggested” that everyone should have a, sturdy, plastic bag and a roll of bog roll in the boot of the car.

Sometimes you have to get practical. Carrying a small bag on your person isn’t a bad idea either. Gotta think like a scout, you know, “be prepared”. Was never in the scouts, myself, but the point stands.

I also advised that a wire hanger be the first thing put into the suitcase before going on a foreign trip. Most “modern” hotels have those hangers that can’t be removed so you’ll be in “hot water” if you drop a monster load that chokes up the jacks.

Once you’ve got the hanger with you, with a little stretch you’re sorted. An implement like that will clear any blockages. Perfect for giving it “the chop”.

Don’t let ‘em get you down, B. Stay strong.

Thanks E, have to say am a little shaken still with the criticism, but as you say, staying strong.

Should be back bunting out warm buttery clubs of midden, in a day or two.

Hector Savage · 17-12-2019 3:04pm

I was afraid to stop in that cafe this morning, like someone said I think there'll be grainy CCTV printouts of me to bar me from entering the premises..

Stevieluvsye · 17-12-2019 3:12pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

I was afraid to stop in that cafe this morning, like someone said I think there'll be grainy CCTV printouts of me to bar me from entering the premises..

The days of grainy CCTV are long gone H. It'll be full HD.

I wouldn't bother going back if it was me

Hector Savage · 17-12-2019 4:49pm

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

The days of grainy CCTV are long gone H. It'll be full HD.

I wouldn't bother going back if it was me

More like 4K HDR Stevie!!!

I think you're right, I've had my last jam donut in that place.
Jaysus, someone dropped an ALMIGHTY load at the office today, I have never smelt the "afters" in the actual workspace before but this afternoon I could, I dared not enter .... just walking by the external door was enough to make me dizzy - filthy feckin KERNT!!

Sharp MZ700 · 17-12-2019 5:02pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

I was afraid to stop in that cafe this morning, like someone said I think there'll be grainy CCTV printouts of me to bar me from entering the premises..

Read that as granny CCTV first time around, thought to myself, this is after taking a turn!!

Voodoomelon · 17-12-2019 9:25pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I also advised that a wire hanger be the first thing put into the suitcase before going on a foreign trip. Most “modern” hotels have those hangers that can’t be removed so you’ll be in “hot water” if you drop a monster load that chokes up the jacks.

That reminds me, got a call from the parents to drop home if I could and take a look at the jacks, it kept filling up to the rim on flushing.

I reluctantly arrived home and got to work with a coat hanger first, I actually scraped the shíte out of the porcelain, so word of warning, metal coat hangers can damage the white goods.

Anyways, after producing nothing more than a few bits of shítty paper, I tried the ol' basin of boiling water trick with some fairy liquid, no joy.

With no other options left, down on my knees I got and stuck my gloved hand right down and "fingered" the inside of the ubend, felt like there was a load of paper or something hard wedged in there, couldn't for the life of me get it out.

It was one of those "sealed" toilets, where the whole backside of the jacks is flush against the wall. No lie, I took the whole bloody jacks apart and pulled it away from the wall bit by bit.

What was stuck in the shít pipe? The bloody plastic toilet freshener than clips on to the rim of the pan. Someone had knocked the damn thing down the bowl and not said a word, no way you wouldn't know you did it. That was a fine evening wasted. Sure here, the parents wiped my arse enough years back, least I can do is unblock the jacks.

Hector Savage · 18-12-2019 2:51pm

Social media awash with scorn for 'sloping toilet'

A toilet designed to slope downwards slightly, making it uncomfortable to sit on for more than a few minutes, has been pooh-poohed on social media.

The toilet design has an upper surface that slopes downwards at a 13-degree angle.

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-50835604

Stevieluvsye · 18-12-2019 2:55pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-50835604

Maybe going reverse cow girl and resting an arm on the back of the cistern might be a solution to that problem

Scoundrel · 18-12-2019 3:20pm

Go for a Sir Harrington like in that episode of South Park

NeinNeinNein · 18-12-2019 3:55pm

Uncomfortable to sit on for more than a few minutes?

This is war.

Utter Consternation · 18-12-2019 4:45pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Uncomfortable to sit on for more than a few minutes?

This is war.

I'd go out of my fcuking way to sit on the bastarding thing for half an hour. :mad:

JohnnyFlash · 18-12-2019 4:51pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I'd go out of my fcuking way to sit on the bastarding thing for half an hour. :mad:

It’s a fücking disaster, UC. Nearly as bad as this fiasco:

The only sensible approach to all these disastrous ‘innovations’ is the dirty protest. Let the captains of industry know you just won’t accept these attempts to save a few shillings. Shower of cünts.

EmmetSpiceland · 18-12-2019 5:01pm

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

Maybe going reverse cow girl and resting an arm on the back of the cistern might be a solution to that problem

The A.C. Slater.

Brendan Bendar · 18-12-2019 6:33pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

It’s a fücking disaster, UC. Nearly as bad as this fiasco:

The only sensible approach to all these disastrous ‘innovations’ is the dirty protest. Let the captains of industry know you just won’t accept these attempts to save a few shillings. Shower of cünts.

Good call John, a good burst of lean scutther across the unit at intervals would bring matters to a head sharpish.

Not good enough.

Sharp MZ700 · 18-12-2019 7:10pm

Hope that lad slips off it someday, amputate his John Thomas. Serve the kernt right. Probably too small to dangle anyway I'd say.

Nevin Parsnipp · 18-12-2019 10:26pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I'd go out of my fcuking way to sit on the bastarding thing for half an hour. :mad:

You haven't had a proper sh1te session until you have pins and needles in both legs and a big circular red mark across your buttocks.

If I knew the location of one of these sloping cans...I wouuld use them for the usual Sunday morning bhladdery sh1te ...reeking of stale beer and kebabs.

Leave the full ar$eload sitting in the bowl too...so I would.

JohnnyFlash · 19-12-2019 2:19pm

Something that isn’t discussed enough around here is the ‘phantom poo’. Was bursting this morning to pinch out a loaf, and headed into the jacks with my newly delivered copy of the Viz Annual. Was really looking forward to it.

10 minutes of pushing and straining later and I emerged without having put down anchor in brown water bay. No wind either. There was nothing there.

Has me fücking puzzled to be honest.

Stevieluvsye · 19-12-2019 2:30pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Something that isn’t discussed enough around here is the ‘phantom poo’. Was bursting this morning to pinch out a loaf, and headed into the jacks with my newly delivered copy of the Viz Annual. Was really looking forward to it.

10 minutes of pushing and straining later and I emerged without having put down anchor in brown water bay. No wind either. There was nothing there.

Has me fücking puzzled to be honest.

Touch of constipation i reckon Johnny. Gobble down some prune Juice

What's the etiquette here??

Comments