What's the etiquette here??

Sober Crappy Chemis

Twas the day after Christmas
When all through the house
Balloon knots were puckered
Like the ear of a mouse

Gas was suppressed
Like a fracking denied
And poor Auntie Rosie
Smelt like she’d died

Reheated turkey
lay on a cold plate
Like a Roddy Doyle fan
from Donabate

Men that had smelt her
Drank deep and and saw fit
To rejoice in the thread
Of old ... etiquette

Fergal Browne

Hector Savage wrote: »

Well lads, it has happened.
I **** my pants.

Hector, it sounds like your experience was more of a "misting" than a soiling proper, am I correct? You might elaborate. Anyway, no need to worry it happens to us all.

I am reminded of a long weekend I spent in Amsterdam about ten years ago. We had indulged in hashish, ganja, many cans of Heineken, birdseed, high-potency marijuana cookies, also quarter pounders, deluxe fries, basically it was very very unhealthy and I remember watching the video for Pulp's Common People play out for hours and hours and hours in the hotel bedroom along with that movie where somebody is very very fragile, as if made out of glass, I think the main actor is african american. Anyway, to get to the crux of the issue, I started to have extreme cramps in the taxi ride to the airport as we began our return journey. I had never before, and have never since experienced such diabolical all-consuming, hateful agony. I felt like my abdomen was being crushed in a vice grip, like I was being repeatedly stabbed in the gut with a shard of glass, or like I had swallowed some poisonous detergent that was corroding my bowel so it was ready to split and spill open its contents on the carpeted floor of the vehicle. I remember crying and bending over double as my girlfriend tried to make small talk with the driver. At this stage I didn't even know what was happening, but then suddenly I felt a quarter inch of soft clay pushing out from my anus which must have been rather bulbous. I tried very very hard to keep it in but I was racked with pain. Bastard kept creeping out centimeter by centimeter and I was sweating like a mad dog. Both taxi driver and girlfriend looking at me anxious as I could feel my pants start to moisten up as bog water started to escape around the body of the turd. Eventually I couldn't take the pain anymore and just let the bastard loose. I remember a gurgling noise and something that sounded like a welly being pulled out of a marsh. Let out about a pint of water and some solids that mushed up formlessly between my arse and the car seat. Ride couldn't end fast enough and as soon as we landed I threw my wallet at my girlfriend and ran into the terminal.

NeinNeinNein

Fergal Browne wrote: »

Hector, it sounds like your experience was more of a "misting" than a soiling proper, am I correct? You might elaborate. Anyway, no need to worry it happens to us all.

I am reminded of a long weekend I spent in Amsterdam about ten years ago. We had indulged in hashish, ganja, many cans of Heineken, birdseed, high-potency marijuana cookies, also quarter pounders, deluxe fries, basically it was very very unhealthy and I remember watching the video for Pulp's Common People play out for hours and hours and hours in the hotel bedroom along with that movie where somebody is very very fragile, as if made out of glass, I think the main actor is african american. Anyway, to get to the crux of the issue, I started to have extreme cramps in the taxi ride to the airport as we began our return journey. I had never before, and have never since experienced such diabolical all-consuming, hateful agony. I felt like my abdomen was being crushed in a vice grip, like I was being repeatedly stabbed in the gut with a shard of glass, or like I had swallowed some poisonous detergent that was corroding my bowel so it was ready to split and spill open its contents on the carpeted floor of the vehicle. I remember crying and bending over double as my girlfriend tried to make small talk with the driver. At this stage I didn't even know what was happening, but then suddenly I felt a quarter inch of soft clay pushing out from my anus which must have been rather bulbous. I tried very very hard to keep it in but I was racked with pain. Bastard kept creeping out centimeter by centimeter and I was sweating like a mad dog. Both taxi driver and girlfriend looking at me anxious as I could feel my pants start to moisten up as bog water started to escape around the body of the turd. Eventually I couldn't take the pain anymore and just let the bastard loose. I remember a gurgling noise and something that sounded like a welly being pulled out of a marsh. Let out about a pint of water and some solids that mushed up formlessly between my arse and the car seat. Ride couldn't end fast enough and as soon as we landed I threw my wallet at my girlfriend and ran into the terminal.

Hope you instructed the girlfriend to give the driver a generous tip, no offence but you are a bit of an animal if you didn't.

Sharp MZ700

If anywhere can bring on an unwanted sh1t it's Amsterdam Fergal, place is one giant laxative.
Remember I was in a late bar there once, one of those serving skunk cones at the counter. Got absolutely kamikazed after 2 puffs, ended up laying rope in a washing machine of an all night laundromat couple of doors down. Saw the inside of a blue and red striped white VW Transporter that night.

Is she still with you your GF? Real litmus tester right there.

The output is not matching the input over the last two days. Back to work in two hours. Gonna have to break out the yogurt and protein shake at lunch to get things moving.

Cody montana

How vulgar.

Sardonicat

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The output is not matching the input over the last two days. Back to work in two hours. Gonna have to break out the yogurt and protein shake at lunch to get things moving.

Dairy and protein are the last thing you need!

Sardonicat

Sardonicat wrote: »

Dairy and protein are the last thing you need!

I've found it to be an effective combination for clearing blockages in the past.

Aglomerado

No blockages here... Still unable to trust a toot though....

Bullocks

Aglomerado wrote: »

No blockages here... Still unable to trust a toot though....

Same as that, I think the Christmas build up hit last night/ this morning. I'm scuttering like a duck .
I'll head into the swimming pool later to sweat out as many toxins as possible and then immerse my ring piece in the cool pool water.

Just shotgun blasted the porcelain there, it was only a precursor though. The main event still feels like it's building up.
It's a good thing the company thought to bring the cleaners in today though. There's carnage in the traps after the younger lads pub exploits yesterday. Usually after bank holidays and the like there is a shortage of bog roll. Not today though, they came prepared.

Sharp MZ700

Cody montana wrote: »

How vulgar.

You've never made arse lasagne?

JohnnyFlash

Had a large quantity of porter last night watching the Liverpool game and celebrating afterwards. And visited one of Pat McDonagh’s eatin’ houses afterwards.

Woke up this morning and discharged a very loose load of crunchy nut arse butter. Vile to be honest. Headed into the local town to make some high-risk investments in Limerick, Chepstow and Leopardstown. Decided I’d have a mug of the disgusting swill they serve from the coffee machine there. Two sips and I felt a dramatic gurgling noise from the lower digestive system.

I’ve been in many bookie shops and they are known for two things - the smell of desperation, and the fūcking shocking state of the shïtters. Wasn’t looking forward to it.

Shocked to discover basic but well appointed facilities with hot water, toilet brush, hand dryer that worked etc. Unloaded a very stew-like concoction all over the pan. Have a slight dose of ring sting now.

Then went out and fired 100 on Young Rachel Blackmore riding A Plus Tard. Romped up at 4/1. In great form now and will stop in the chemist for something for the itch.

Brendan Bendar

Dab of Savlon worked well into ground zero is yer man John.

Nicely emollient, not too oily, won’t stain the polyester ‘6 for €3.00 Skids ‘you ‘picked up’ in Dealz.

Their ‘mission statement’ is by coincidence the same as the Sidewinder missile ‘FIRE AND FORGET’.

Nice little lass Rachel B.... could be a bit ‘shiny’. erm. ‘down there’?

EmmetSpiceland

Very nervous morning for me here. I have a friend staying over with his missus. The last time I saw him was a year and a half ago, in his house in Spain.

Was only there for a few days but, while we were on the continent, I was, most certainly, not incontinent. As some of you have mentioned similar “issues” when you travel.

Was it Brian Friel who describes the “condition” as being ‘tethered to the toilet’, ‘bound by the bowels’ or even ‘anchored by the ass’? It seems to only occur with me if I leave the island of Ireland. I wouldn’t get “blocked up” during a trip to Cork or out West.

Anyway, on this trip we’d been have a grand old time sitting in the sunshine, drinking those small cans of San Miguel and eating lots of BBQ. On our last morning there was a bit of a rush and during the packing I could finally feel some movement, this would have been day 4 or 5.

So, into the downstairs jacks I pop and so the “needful”. Was very big and was a long time getting the full evacuation. As you can imagine, after a few days of beer, tapas, loose cured meats, BBQ steaks, rabbit and ribs the relief was immense but the smell was ghastly.

When we were finally heading for the airport about an hour later the stink was all over the house. I’m not completely to blame, there are no “complimentary” matches, no window and the extractor fan was weak. But as we were at the door one of his kids was almost in tears clutching his fathers leg saying ‘papa, no es bueno, no es bueno’.

My mate just looked pissed.

Him and his wife stayed over last night and I’m fairly certain he is out for revenge. He brought over a few things himself, 12 bottles of Guinness (the old style one), spiced beef, chorizo, spicy pepperoni, salami, an assortment of cheeses (soft, hard, smoked and spicy) and his own little jar of Tabasco.

At one point, after we’d had a few, he was over at my fridge casually eating pickled gherkins out of the jar with a fork. Who does that?

The last straw came just before heading up to bed, the women had long since left us. I asked if he’d like a glass of water but he said he’d prefer a pint of milk, “full fat”, and he downed it in one.

They’ve been up an hour but no “movement” as yet. I can’t relax. I’ve tried to direct him to the upstairs toilet as I feel the fallout will be lessened by the time between now and going to bed. If he goes downstairs it will do maximum damage.

This is a form of mental torture and I don’t like it, not at this time of year.

JohnnyFlash

Was in Leopardstown today at the races. Managed to get a ticket for one of the suites up on the 4th floor. Had a few pints and a feed of cocktail sausages.

I was up a bit of money on my horse related investments over the Christmas period so headed down to the bookie ring and threw €500 bob on Apple's Jade at 3/1. Wasn't half way back up to the suite when I started to get some serious and sustained cramping. However the race was about to start so I had to endure 10 minutes of serious clamping, crowning, and turtle necking while surrounded by some of the great and the good of Irish society. It's bad enough trying to hold in a serious log at the best of times, but it was almost impossible with the added tension of having a chunky bet on a horse with a live chance.

Anyways, she romped up, and I made a serious dash for the nearest shítter as her nose crossed the line. Just headed in the door, and one of the trap doors opened and out emerged a well-known (and tall) former Irish soccer international. Heard he's a nice fella, but the fúcking whiff emerging from the can would knock out a Bangladeshi plumber. Jesus Christ. Had to tolerate it as I unloaded a serious 'selection box' of scour. Sickening situtaion to find yourself in.

Nearly took all the joy out of heading down to some Nordie bookie and collecting 2000 eurons off the bollocks.

EmmetSpiceland

Well, I have an update. The house stinks, or it did. Now it’s just really cold. Yer man left around 5pm so I’ve had the windows open since then. For the last two hours they were here he looked visibly uncomfortable, he had that “flop sweat” and I heard loud gurgles and a few “inward farts”.

He eventually legged it into the downstairs jacks around 4:15pm, he was in there well over 30 minutes. I got the smell even before he exited. I’m convinced he “papered down” heavily so that the ****ing biohazard would be left out in the open to fester.

They left pretty much straight away. Everyone was polite but I could see the joy in his eyes looking at our discomfort. His missus gave him a playful slap on the arm and said “we are definitely getting you checked for lactose intolerance”. Right then I got a flashback to him downing that pint of milk, never mind all that cheese. What an utter degenerate.

My partner took the kids to her parents’ place. She was extremely pissed off. I’m just thankful this didn’t happen on a proper cold night. The only other “upside” was I got to watch the rugby in peace.

We’ll be seeing them again next week, in “neutral” accommodation. Not sure how to play that one, if we were back in Spain I’d probably have to **** in the cistern but both families will be staying in this one.

Anyone have any thoughts on how to play that, call it quits or “double down”? Mine was accidental but his was egregious and, clearly, premeditated.

EmmetSpiceland

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Well, I have an update. The house stinks, or it did. Now it’s just really cold. Yer man left around 5pm so I’ve had the windows open since then. For the last two hours they were here he looked visibly uncomfortable, he had that “flop sweat” and I heard loud gurgles and a few “inward farts”.

He eventually legged it into the downstairs jacks around 4:15pm, he was in there well over 30 minutes. I got the smell even before he exited. I’m convinced he “papered down” heavily so that the ****ing biohazard would be left out in the open to fester.

They left pretty much straight away. Everyone was polite but I could see the joy in his eyes looking at our discomfort. His missus gave him a playful slap on the arm and said “we are definitely getting you checked for lactose intolerance”. Right then I got a flashback to him downing that pint of milk, never mind all that cheese. What an utter degenerate.

My partner took the kids to her parents’ place. She was extremely pissed off. I’m just thankful this didn’t happen on a proper cold night. The only other “upside” was I got to watch the rugby in peace.

We’ll be seeing them again next week, in “neutral” accommodation. Not sure how to play that one, if we were back in Spain I’d probably have to **** in the cistern but both families will be staying in this one.

Anyone have any thoughts on how to play that, call it quits or “double down”? Mine was accidental but his was egregious and, clearly, premeditated.

I'd call it quits myself E. While I sympathise with your predicament I also appreciate the planning and effort he put into his "revenge". Might not be worth the hassle of "escalation" with this guy.

Sober Crappy Chemis

Let’s talk about facilities in hotels and public bars.

Input :
In summary, I had a little drink ...

Output :
Made to feel life a plastic-fetish offender as I Fisted a ‘three output’ unit.
Smears of fecal matter on my fingertips to an unforgiving ‘one sheet at a time’ purveyor..

Not cool..
full update on the morrow..

sligojoek

Went for a pi$$ in the local this evening. As I was leaving i looked in the cubicle door. There was a 'figure of 8' thing on the wall with what looked like an inch of TP sticking out of the centre of each 'circle'. I pulled one for the crack and it was 1 ply and about the size of a postcard.

If the need ever comes on me, I'll goosestep the 200 yards home.

fuerte1976

sligojoek wrote: »

There was a 'figure of 8' thing on the wall with what looked like an inch of TP sticking out

I had to read ths piece again, I originally read it as some animal had daubed a 'figure of 8' with his own mess and had stuck TP to it..

Time to wind down the hooch intake on my behalf..

Sharp MZ700

fuerte1976 wrote: »

I had to read ths piece again, I originally read it as some animal had daubed a 'figure of 8' with his own mess and had stuck TP to it..

Time to wind down the hooch intake on my behalf..

Is that the famous elusive "butcher's knot"?

EmmetSpiceland

Well, I did it. I have laid the “Yule” log. Broke the waterline while still “connected”, curled under the water and no need to avail of the “cutter”.

It beached against the back wall, which gave me cause for concern. “Streaking” concerns. The volume was impressive, I felt instantly lighter. Made way for the large fry-up that I had straight after.

The paperwork was, surprisingly, extensive. More than I would have liked. My fears were realised as I flushed and the water level rose. Thankfully gravity, along with fluid dynamics, won the day and the whole lot was condemned to the briney depths.

Even the streaks were washed clean. A really great start to the day. And after the “attack” I suffered yesterday, it was a much needed win. I think I’ll sue for peace on New Year’s Eve in that “neutral” venue.

Life is good. Seasons greetings to all!

Dr Strange

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

... But as we were at the door one of his kids was almost in tears clutching his fathers leg saying ‘papa, no es bueno, no es bueno’.

Not your fault if the little brat thought you left some Kinder Buenos
only to discover they weren’t quite that.

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

... Anyone have any thoughts on how to play that, call it quits or “double down”? Mine was accidental but his was egregious and, clearly, premeditated.

ES, the gauntlet has been truly thrown down in front of you!
This challenge can’t be left unanswered.

Cookie_Monster

Ah lads, what's with US ****ters? Here a week now and still can't understand them.
I'm left looking into lake superior every time I take a piss or facing severe splashback from dropping logs, it's just not right...

PicardWithHair

Had a feed of lovely Guinness pints and King cheese and onions crisps the other night, and the ****ing bang of the farts the next morning!!
The wife kicked me into the spare room, about 830AM I headed to the jacks and unleased a foul black scuttery load - that certainly improved the farting situation, but the windows in the toilet needed to be opened till about noon.

Headed into town and felt more turtle heading and legged it up to the good old 4th floor of Brown Thomas - I must say that place came recommended here and have used it some months back and was great - but yesterday was awful, full of people, had to wait for a stall and the state of it - piss all over the seat and floor, had to do a cleaning job before I could unload round 2 of arse slurry - not good and left me in a bit of a mood.

I wouldn't mind but some cleaning lad was constantly hanging around the sink area giving them a scrub after lads washed their hands!!!

JohnnyFlash

PicardWithHair wrote: »

Had a feed of lovely Guinness pints and King cheese and onions crisps the other night, and the ****ing bang of the farts the next morning!!
The wife kicked me into the spare room, about 830AM I headed to the jacks and unleased a foul black scuttery load - that certainly improved the farting situation, but the windows in the toilet needed to be opened till about noon.

Headed into town and felt more turtle heading and legged it up to the good old 4th floor of Brown Thomas - I must say that place came recommended here and have used it some months back and was great - but yesterday was awful, full of people, had to wait for a stall and the state of it - piss all over the seat and floor, had to do a cleaning job before I could unload round 2 of arse slurry - not good and left me in a bit of a mood.

I wouldn't mind but some cleaning lad was constantly hanging around the sink area giving them a scrub after lads washed their hands!!!

The shïtters in Brown Thomas have always been bang average. Might be impressive to some Northside scobie or slack-jawed culchie, but the smart punter always makes his way to the Westbury if caught short in the Grafton Street area.

PicardWithHair

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

The shïtters in Brown Thomas have always been bang average. Might be impressive to some Northside scobie or slack-jawed culchie, but the smart punter always makes his way to the Westbury if caught short in the Grafton Street area.

Surely needs to be a guest?

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

The shïtters in Brown Thomas have always been bang average. Might be impressive to some Northside scobie or slack-jawed culchie, but the smart punter always makes his way to the Westbury if caught short in the Grafton Street area.

Spot on there John, nicely appointed, snug and warm, a lad can slip in, drop the skids, and blow a heavy butthery blast of spicy midden which would coat the pewter like a map of the Philippines.

Then no rush, brushes available, no shuffling of feet ‘next door’ clean her up and up and away.

Sensible simple ****tery I call it.

No stress and hoop trauma, just take your time and empty your guts at your own pace.........very important lads.

fuerte1976

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Is that the famous elusive "butcher's knot"?

I'm sorry S but me balloon knot is rather raw, hence the late reply.
I'm not familiar with that 'butchers knot' phenomenon and a well known alternative dictionary page on the condition hasn't populated either!