What's the etiquette here??

Hector Savage

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Good lad, I don’t think photos have any place on this thread, you showed admirable restraint there.

Left a ‘turkey crown’ in the pan before going off on ‘important company business’ would have made a good pastoral photo, but I did not not succumb to the temptation.

Speaking of ‘important company business’ any news on Losty.

Is he still serving time in the cells.

Fcuker is very quiet.

Checking the prison thread he is on a one month ban, that was around nov 20 ... so should be back in a week or so ...

I want posts on .

* Brazzers
* Drinking
* ****eing!!

NeinNeinNein

Slideways wrote: »

If memory serves me correctly is was #4 Phillips head screwdriver

Which end did you use?

The traps at work are like the Inn at Bethlehem today, packed. Place is infested with temporary Christmas staff at the moment and they have the place ruined. I've popped up few times already now only to find all doors closed. I might need a Christmas miracle to hold this load on the clutch if one of these traps doesn't free up soon!

Hotblack Desiato

Going to give birth to a 7lb brown baby eh

Crisis averted, popped across the hall to the office to in the pretence of putting in an order. Kept an ear out for the sound of the hand dryer going off across the hall. There are a few lads here who will unashamedly stand outside the trap waiting for you to finish, but I'm not one of them.
Fortunately didn't have to wait too long as I was getting quite uncomfortable. I was barely keeping it in, I was getting cold shivers down my back and all. Most unsettling. Dashed across the hall and into the trap, barely got seated in time as the purse strings were about to give way and let loose. I've rarely felt such relief in my life lads.

Utter Consternation

Deleted User wrote: »

Crisis averted, popped across the hall to the office to in the pretence of putting in an order. Kept an ear out for the sound of the hand dryer going off across the hall. There are a few lads here who will unashamedly stand outside the trap waiting for you to finish, but I'm not one of them.
Fortunately didn't have to wait too long as I was getting quite uncomfortable. I was barely keeping it in, I was getting cold shivers down my back and all. Most unsettling. Dashed across the hall and into the trap, barely got seated in time as the purse strings were about to give way and let loose. I've rarely felt such relief in my life lads.

Have a great weekend Nialler.

Hector Savage

I've mentioned it before , but recently we were down to 2 traps - from 3 for about 25 guys in the office, amazing how much less one was available for just one down, but of course looking at it the wrong way - 33% down ...

KWAG2019

Hector Savage wrote: »

I've mentioned it before , but recently we were down to 2 traps - from 3 for about 25 guys in the office, amazing how much less one was available for just one down, but of course looking at it the wrong way - 33% down ...

I used to be a bit slow at the oul sums and Christian B’s would leather ya for it (thankfully evaded the rest of their “attentions”) but if there are 3 traps and the middle must NEVER be occupied as per Etiquette Fuhrer Order No. 1 then the loss of one trap is actually a 50% loss? I can see Brother Laurence O ‘Toole beginning to twitch with excitement fingering the leather. Am I right or wha’?

JohnnyFlash

Hector Savage wrote: »

I've mentioned it before , but recently we were down to 2 traps - from 3 for about 25 guys in the office, amazing how much less one was available for just one down, but of course looking at it the wrong way - 33% down ...

25 lads would equate to between 20 and 30 loads deposited per day (significantly higher if the day after a night out at the local Indian restaurant and craft beer pub).

Take 10 minutes average for a shïte (significantly longer for the Twitter on the shïtter and the Fantasy League crew). That’s 300 minutes from a pool of 1350 minutes.

Even taking account of ‘peak times’ - after the breakfast etc that leaves about 700 minutes where a trap should be free.

It’s a fûcking mystery.

Hector Savage

KWAG2019 wrote: »

I used to be a bit slow at the oul sums and Christian B’s would leather ya for it (thankfully evaded the rest of their “attentions”) but if there are 3 traps and the middle must NEVER be occupied as per Etiquette Fuhrer Order No. 1 then the loss of one trap is actually a 50% loss? I can see Brother Laurence O ‘Toole beginning to twitch with excitement fingering the leather. Am I right or wha’?

Sorry traps are totally isolated, they have their walls floor to ceiling ...
doors too ...

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

25 lads would equate to between 20 and 30 loads deposited per day (significantly higher if the day after a night out at the local Indian restaurant and craft beer pub).

Take 10 minutes average for a shïte (significantly longer for the Twitter on the shïtter and the Fantasy League crew). That’s 300 minutes from a pool of 1350 minutes.

Even taking account of ‘peak times’ - after the breakfast etc that leaves about 700 minutes where a trap should be free.

It’s a fûcking mystery.

IT lads Johnny, probably in there with their mobiles on dodgy Japanese manga porn ripping the stomachs outta themselves....





* Yes I am IT too ....

JohnnyFlash

Hector Savage wrote: »

Sorry traps are totally isolated, they have their walls floor to ceiling ...
doors too ...




IT lads Johnny, probably in there with their mobiles on dodgy Japanese manga porn ripping the stomachs outta themselves....





* Yes I am IT too ....

Glad I don’t work in IT. The thought of a load of fat, long haired, and pasty-faced perverts struggling to pass out a hard bolus in cubicles either side of me would be too much. Lads who survive on a diet of frozen pizza, microwaveable burgers, wotsits, and cans of Diet Coke.

Fück that.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

25 lads would equate to between 20 and 30 loads deposited per day (significantly higher if the day after a night out at the local Indian restaurant and craft beer pub).

Take 10 minutes average for a shïte (significantly longer for the Twitter on the shïtter and the Fantasy League crew). That’s 300 minutes from a pool of 1350 minutes.

Even taking account of ‘peak times’ - after the breakfast etc that leaves about 700 minutes where a trap should be free.

It’s a fûcking mystery.

Are you working off the ‘play clock’ or the ‘game clock’ John?

A lad told me he is ‘allowed’ 10 mins on the game clock for a shïte break.

What he allows on the ‘play clock’ is up to him.

That is from time to position the hoop, he needs to get ‘the play off’ within the allotted time.

So the idea is.... position the hoop, spool, press, blow the load and clean up within the allotted time.

Then you have more time on the play clock to check Boards an stuff.

JimmieTwoTimes

This is a very informative thread I must say. May I ask do any of you ever conduct a risk assessment or inspection of a unfamiliar location or building for the best place to drop off a chocolate penguin into the Antarctic. I usually do a reconnaissance of each floor and suss out the best spot to serve the chocolate mousse. I just find that regular member of the public has terrible etiquette. Some seem to have gained a reputation as mentioned on this thread, particularly civil servants.

KWAG2019

JimmieTwoTimes wrote: »

This is a very informative thread I must say. May I ask do any of you ever conduct a risk assessment or inspection of a unfamiliar location or building for the best place to drop off a chocolate penguin into the Antarctic. I usually do a reconnaissance of each floor and suss out the best spot to serve the chocolate mousse. I just find that regular member of the public has terrible etiquette. Some seem to have gained a reputation as mentioned on this thread, particularly civil servants.

Reconaissance is essential in hostile territory. Especially department stores. Avoid the gents in Arnott’s at all costs. A notorious dumping ground of the most toxic midden.

JimmieTwoTimes

KWAG2019 wrote: »

Reconaissance is essential in hostile territory. Especially department stores. Avoid the gents in Arnott’s at all costs. A notorious dumping ground of the most toxic midden.

Cheers for the tip. It gets tough going being behind enemy lines when the anchor needs to be dropped.

mfceiling

KWAG2019 wrote: »

Reconaissance is essential in hostile territory. Especially department stores. Avoid the gents in Arnott’s at all costs. A notorious dumping ground of the most toxic midden.

I would have agreed with this but I found a hidden trap down in the lower ground floor on Wednesday and it was very quiet and very clean. Lovely place to while away the minutes.

Mind you it was the last time I was on the throne and post op I'm afraid to bale or put any pressure on the valve in case I do any damage to the stitched area.

I bought pineapple juice tonight to soften up the gut and hopefully tomorrow it'll run out of me like a jug of bisto.

Nevin Parsnipp

Cashew nuts my friend....they will do the job for you.....softens up the midden to a nice bhladdery consistense with an attractive pale ochre colouring.

It's my "go to" remedy when any ejection difficulties occur. !

Kevwoody

Evening gents, very informative thread here I must say. I'd consider myself rather fussy when it comes to finding refuge to "drop the bomb". I'd sooner endure a few cramps during the day and give birth in the comfort and safety of my own throne, rather than "rush" the experience in a public setting.

Which brings me to my current predicament. I have recently met a new partner, and while I'm aware that sometimes ladies do indeed "poop", I'm sure she would be horrified to experience first hand my ability to absolutely destroy an Armitage Shank.

I've spent a few nights at hers, and being partial to the odd bottle of clonmel champagne, cider ****es are something which need to be expedited fairly hastily in the morning. Which is fine during a one night "layover", but it's at the stage now where one night just doesn't cut it, and the little minx has vacated her schedule for an entire weekend next weekend, and seemingly we are "not gonna leave the house ".

Ordinarily I would be foaming at the japs eye for such an invite, but my first thought was how am I going to unleash the brown river without scarring the poor girl for life. All I can see are severe stomach cramps ahead, and trying to relieve the situation with a series of well timed arse explosions, hopefully of the silent kind which could be blamed on the dog.

So the question to my esteemed connoisseurs of "facility etiquette", any advice on how to settle the stomach, maybe firm up the old chocolate log and delay the due date for a day or two?

All serious advice would be most welcome.

JimmieTwoTimes

I tend to keep a good schedule on the foods department during the week. However Friday evening consists of a Thai Green Chicken Curry with a large fried rice and prawn crackers followed by a feed of pints then after. One should be warned that the green curry is the hottest of the oriental curries as far as I know. Combined with the pints it forms a internal combination who's unholy name shall not be mentioned. I can only advise those who thread into this territory to keep a good serviced Armitage Shanks toilet on standby for the next day. This is good advice based on years of experience in the field in such a category.

pinkyeye

Kevwoody wrote: »

Evening gents, very informative thread here I must say. I'd consider myself rather fussy when it comes to finding refuge to "drop the bomb". I'd sooner endure a few cramps during the day and give birth in the comfort and safety of my own throne, rather than "rush" the experience in a public setting.

Which brings me to my current predicament. I have recently met a new partner, and while I'm aware that sometimes ladies do indeed "poop", I'm sure she would be horrified to experience first hand my ability to absolutely destroy an Armitage Shank.

I've spent a few nights at hers, and being partial to the odd bottle of clonmel champagne, cider ****es are something which need to be expedited fairly hastily in the morning. Which is fine during a one night "layover", but it's at the stage now where one night just doesn't cut it, and the little minx has vacated her schedule for an entire weekend next weekend, and seemingly we are "not gonna leave the house ".

Ordinarily I would be foaming at the japs eye for such an invite, but my first thought was how am I going to unleash the brown river without scarring the poor girl for life. All I can see are severe stomach cramps ahead, and trying to relieve the situation with a series of well timed arse explosions, hopefully of the silent kind which could be blamed on the dog.

So the question to my esteemed connoisseurs of "facility etiquette", any advice on how to settle the stomach, maybe firm up the old chocolate log and delay the due date for a day or two?

All serious advice would be most welcome.

Immodium your only man although whether it will last the whole two days without huge farts or not I don't know.

Voodoomelon

Solider's shovel in the weekend bag, sneak out at 4am, dig a 30cm hole on the neighbours side of the wall, line up your arse and empty the lot straight in. A few dabs with kitchen towel, toss it in after and cover the hole in again. Always resettle the surrounding earth to avoid arousing suspicion.

Some folk get real prickly with the sight of a man naked from the waist down laying pipe in their front garden.

KWAG2019

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Solider's shovel in the weekend bag, sneak out at 4am, dig a 30cm hole on the neighbours side of the wall, line up your arse and empty the lot straight in. A few dabs with kitchen towel, toss it in after and cover the hole in again. Always resettle the surrounding earth to avoid arousing suspicion.

Some folk get real prickly with the sight of a man naked from the waist down laying pipe in their front garden.

No no and no. She’ll think you’re a serial killer. Are you?

Moomoomacshoe

Flush immediately..before toilet roll. Open a window if there is one. If bad flush as youre going. Don't delay then spray...girls have air freshener. Another trick, put shower on n go then. Lots of time to rid the smell. What a lovely topic!!

P.s. Dont take immodium as you may end up exploding.

Kevwoody

Voodoomelon wrote:

Solider's shovel in the weekend bag, sneak out at 4am, dig a 30cm hole on the neighbours side of the wall, line up your arse and empty the lot straight in. A few dabs with kitchen towel, toss it in after and cover the hole in again. Always resettle the surrounding earth to avoid arousing suspicion.

This is the kind of excellent advice that I had hoped for.

Perhaps throw in a few cable ties and a roll of duct tape incase she spots the shovel and suspects that I may be planning on burying a "time capsule".

Probably easier to let her think I'm a serial killer than someone who plants a few "magic beans" in the neighbor's garden?

KWAG2019

She might think you are a badger enthusiast?

Kevwoody

Voodoomelon wrote:

Some folk get real prickly with the sight of a man naked from the waist down laying pipe in their front garden.

If I could delay proceedings for a few days, I could concentrate on "laying pipe" of a different kind in the bedroom/kitchen/sitting room/stairs/attic etc.

Having being single for a while, I'm looking forward to making full use of the 6inch Wavin pipe and would rather no unnecessary distractions.

Kevwoody

KWAG2019 wrote:

She might think you are a badger enthusiast?

She wouldn't be far wrong

EmmetSpiceland

Kevwoody wrote: »

Evening gents, very informative thread here I must say. I'd consider myself rather fussy when it comes to finding refuge to "drop the bomb". I'd sooner endure a few cramps during the day and give birth in the comfort and safety of my own throne, rather than "rush" the experience in a public setting.

Which brings me to my current predicament. I have recently met a new partner, and while I'm aware that sometimes ladies do indeed "poop", I'm sure she would be horrified to experience first hand my ability to absolutely destroy an Armitage Shank.

I've spent a few nights at hers, and being partial to the odd bottle of clonmel champagne, cider ****es are something which need to be expedited fairly hastily in the morning. Which is fine during a one night "layover", but it's at the stage now where one night just doesn't cut it, and the little minx has vacated her schedule for an entire weekend next weekend, and seemingly we are "not gonna leave the house ".

Ordinarily I would be foaming at the japs eye for such an invite, but my first thought was how am I going to unleash the brown river without scarring the poor girl for life. All I can see are severe stomach cramps ahead, and trying to relieve the situation with a series of well timed arse explosions, hopefully of the silent kind which could be blamed on the dog.

So the question to my esteemed connoisseurs of "facility etiquette", any advice on how to settle the stomach, maybe firm up the old chocolate log and delay the due date for a day or two?

All serious advice would be most welcome.

A book of matches, kept in the “johnny”, or watch, pocket is a must.

Light 2 to 3 of these before exiting. Don’t extinguish them immediately either. Let them burn.

Some people will tell you it’s the reaction of the match on the lighting “strip” that does all the work but never underestimate the naked flame.

When you do blow them out be sure to swirl the smoke around the room. If the smell persists it’s time to get creative. Burn anything with a strong smell. Hair is a handy one. Head, or arm, only. Stay away from the “course” stuff, we’re not barbarians.

After that you’ve done all you can do. Be sure to run the match sticks under a tap before disposing. I recommend wrapping in a bit of bog roll before binning.

Hope it all works out for you, K.

An Ri rua

Ush1 wrote: »

I normally snap off a grogan on company time, but there the other day there was a fella in the next stall making far too much noise. He was putting a lot of pressure on his bliges and with every strained spurt of midden, a gasped exhale followed. Put me right off so I had to leave.

So I deposited that night at home and my God lads she was a beauty. Had a perfect tapered end like a Mr Whippy but with a good semi solid consistency. The taper was so perfect that it had attached to the puckered anus and I had to give it an oul wiggle to let her drop off and breach the watery depths. Wanted to take a photo but I'm not that deviant to be honest so didn't bother.

Nearly brought a tear to my eye.

Sounds like a British Imperial round, rather than the smaller European metric jobbies in circulation these days. Rather decent of you to sound the trumpet and fire the 25 pounder single round salute. A lot of Paddies couldn't give 2 shiny ****es about Brexit and Britannia's Phoenix-like rise from the ashes but you, Mick, your symbolic birth of freedom, your life-affirming gift of self-determination to your anthropomorphic depth charge, you will be toasted by the Godhead of **** tonight, our own BoJobbie. May God bless your sphincter.

sligojoek

KWAG2019 wrote: »

She might think you are a badger enthusiast?

More of a beaver man myself.