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My husband is a fussy eater, I need help

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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    I have to say the not eating at the table thing would drive me mad, never mind the rest of it. He wants something he can eat on the couch and not with the rest of you!?! I wouldn't stand for that at all. I appreciate he might be tired when he comes in from work but meal times are family times.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,641 ✭✭✭Day Lewin


    @ OP

    1. Ask your mother-in-law what kind of food your husband was reared on? Maybe get her recipes? She must have fed him enough to get him to adulthood in a healthy state...find out about his childish favourites. Though clearly she must have indulged his tantrums to a foolish extent. Lord knows, he sounds like a child still.

    2. Quit with the fighting over food: do not engage. Never use moral or emotional language about food, and do not let it become a focus of control. Make him a ham sandwich with lettuce every day of his life, then ignore the whole subject, or pretend to. The dinner table should not be a war zone.

    3. Healthy families eat together at table, at least once a day. When your new baby is old enough, this will be important. So find something that can be served and enjoyed.

    PS Do not sacrifice your marriage over this: find a solution. I presume you like the man outside of this issue!


    Best of luck!


  • Registered Users Posts: 71 ✭✭Cocobeans101


    cmoidd wrote: »
    I didn't realise it was that much of big deal, the way i am with him, i know it wasn't right the way he is acting sometimes but should we not cook for our husband? For me it is normal, it's kind of my duties
    But by reading all your comment maybe i should be harder on him

    When two adults marry, they do not have duties. They pull together to make the marriage work and to help each other as much as possible. Again, this isn't really about the food, you have to argue that he sits at the table, ask him to help with your son, refuse to cut up his meat. Not only is he lazy and ungrateful, he acts like a child.

    You are an enabler. This behaviour is not acceptable.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,991 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    cmoidd wrote: »
    cnocbui wrote: »
    Tell him the truth - that you fear your marriage will not last unless he learns to broaden his culinary tastes. He doesn't have a clue or appreciate how lucky he is.

    I didn't realise it was that much of big deal, the way i am with him, i know it wasn't right the way he is acting sometimes but should we not cook for our husband? For me it is normal, it's kind of my duties
    But by reading all your comment maybe i should be harder on him

    All relationships work differently. But at the end of the day, you're here posting about your husband who won't eat what you cook. So it hasn't worked too well. He wont eat what you cook, wont sit at the table and is asking you to cut up his good for him. Soon enough you'll be serving himself and your son cut up steak and chips on the sofa! Other than continuing to 'do your duty' and trying to guess what his delicate palette might enjoy, what can you do, but communicate with him about it?


  • Registered Users Posts: 49 cmoidd


    Bellyache mccheesepuff will probably throw a strop then too and demand that he gets breastfeeding aswell.

    That's just mean now

    He is not a bad husband, he is trying his best...


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  • Registered Users Posts: 71 ✭✭Cocobeans101


    cmoidd wrote: »
    That's just mean now

    He is not a bad husband, he is trying his best...

    I think that post was made in jest.

    Your husband is not trying his best. You have admitted that he didn't always behave like this.... So he knows how to behave but has choosen not to.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Doctors room ghost


    Day Lewin wrote: »
    @ OP

    1. Ask your mother-in-law what kind of food your husband was reared on? Maybe get her recipes? She must have fed him enough to get him to adulthood in a healthy state...find out about his childish favourites. Though clearly she must have indulged his tantrums to a foolish extent. Lord knows, he sounds like a child still.

    2. Quit with the fighting over food: do not engage. Never use moral or emotional language about food, and do not let it become a focus of control. Make him a ham sandwich with lettuce every day of his life, then ignore the whole subject, or pretend to. The dinner table should not be a war zone.

    3. Healthy families eat together at table, at least once a day. When your new baby is old enough, this will be important. So find something that can be served and enjoyed.

    PS Do not sacrifice your marriage over this: find a solution. I presume you like the man outside of this issue!


    Best of luck!


    Or keep it simple and say “howya bellyache mccheesepuff how was your day.thats good my day was fine thank you for asking bellyache mccheesepuff. I see you are finally learning some manners.anyway Dinner is ready.its on the table. If you don’t want it that’s fine. I really couldn’t give a flying fcuk if you never ate another bite in your ungrateful life.and then take a bite of your own dinner and say yum yum while rubbing your stomach.repeat daily


  • Registered Users Posts: 970 ✭✭✭rushfan


    Peregrinus wrote:
    He has a choice: he can learn to cook the stuff he likes to eat, or he can be dependent on others to cook for him, in which case he gets to eat the stuff they like to cook.


    This! Exactly. He. Needs. A. Kick. Up. The. Hole.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    I have to say the not eating at the table thing would drive me mad, never mind the rest of it. He wants something he can eat on the couch and not with the rest of you!?! I wouldn't stand for that at all. I appreciate he might be tired when he comes in from work but meal times are family times.

    We usually eat on the couch, but I've told Himself that when the baby is born we are moving to the table because I want to foster good eating habits in our child.


  • Registered Users Posts: 71 ✭✭muttley-dps


    I'm not a fussy eater but while my wife was a SAHM she done all the housework and would try to have dinner ready. No biggie if not and I'd give a hand out and I'd usually prepare kids for bed so she wouldn't have it all on herself.

    To arrange herself, she'd some blackboard paint on a portion of the kitchen wall. The day before the weekly shop we'd agree a dinner for every evening and tailor shopping to it. If she wasn't home or dinner not started I can roll up the sleeves and get cracking on the agreed meal.

    As others have said - your hubbie on this particular issue needs a swift jolt of reality.


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  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 12,110 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dizzyblonde


    @ Doctors room ghost - you're coming close to receiving an infraction for your unhelpful and trollish posts in this thread.

    Helpful and constructive posts only please, folks


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,756 ✭✭✭CelticRambler


    Maybe this is some sort of French thing ...
    Yep! Over the last decade, I have met hundreds of French women who are treated this way by their husbands, and I've met the husbands too . It's definitely not (just) and Irish Mammy thing.

    cmoidd wrote: »
    I didn't realise it was that much of big deal, the way i am with him, i know it wasn't right the way he is acting sometimes but should we not cook for our husband? For me it is normal, it's kind of my duties
    Those are almost the exact same words used by a (Bretonne) woman with whom I had a argument on this subject two weeks ago.

    She's very "feminist" but said she'd find it difficult to get a weekend assignment done because she'd have to cook for her family when she got home from the week-long course we're doing.

    When I asked her how she could defend her feminist ideals, and then go home to a husband and three teenagers who'd been off school for a week, and had another week's holiday ahead, she said it was her duty as a mother. :eek:

    Anyway, I'm another hardliner in this regard: dinner is served - at the table - and anyone who says they don't like it is told to look after themselves - and that includes vistors. I don't do the typically Irish thing, though, of piling a portion of everything on everyone's plate and then saying "eat up". We've adopted the French practice of having large bowls from which everyone takes a portion to suit themselves. This means I can order the fussy eaters who say "I don't like [whatever]" to at least taste it without coming across as too mean! :pac:

    BTW - if he can't leave the bathroom tidy after giving a child a bath (before coming down and cooking dinner for all of you :D), I'd rate him as a lazy, pathetic fecker. My mammy raised me to be a better dad/uncle than that!


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Doctors room ghost


    @ Doctors room ghost - you're coming close to receiving an infraction for your unhelpful and trollish posts in this thread.

    Helpful and constructive posts only please, folks

    Apologies if it comes across like that but any “man” treating a woman and a pregnant woman like that is just taking the p1ss.you seen the bit about cutting the steak?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,893 ✭✭✭Cheerful Spring


    What did his mother feed him when he was growing up?


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,593 ✭✭✭theteal


    cmoidd wrote: »
    I didn't realise it was that much of big deal, the way i am with him, i know it wasn't right the way he is acting sometimes but should we not cook for our husband? For me it is normal, it's kind of my duties
    But by reading all your comment maybe i should be harder on him

    We would take turns depending on who’s working later but in your case maybe it is fair that you do most of the cooking during the working week seeing as you’re already in the house. So in saying that, does he cook much at the weekend????


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,417 ✭✭✭WinnyThePoo


    This thread saddens me. How did you get this point with this man. This behaviour surely wasn't hidden in the past. Anyway ..meal plans seem the way the go. it involves himself.


  • Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭worker bee


    This is not a relationship of equals.

    Either you like playing mum to what sounds like a sulky teenager or he's forcing you into the role.

    It is not clear to me what he is 'bringing to the party'.

    I like cooking and am a fussy eater so I do more of the cooking in our house. But but I don't tolerate complaints once the food is cooked well. I do take requests on favourite meals or suggestions as to casserole vs pasta etc but if the food is bought or I have started cooking then there are no rejections allowed.

    Also, while I am cooking I expect adults and children to pitch in according to their abilities - so that is set the table, hang out clothes, tidy up toys etc.

    You are being forced into the role of mother/carer/nag and you don't sound happy about it.

    This is not about food any more.

    But it is about you and your relationship with your husband and the example you are both showing your child.

    I would suggest rotas, meal planners, chores lists etc as a start.


  • Registered Users Posts: 102 ✭✭mmg0305


    If you have prepared and served a meal, there are only 3 acceptable choices for him

    1. Eat it
    2. Go hungry
    3. Make himself something else

    I cannot believe these toddler tantrums from a grown man, even when he's asked what he would like to eat.


  • Registered Users Posts: 264 ✭✭Petyr Baelish


    I had to check the date of the OP when I first clicked on the thread to make sure I wasn't reading something posted here in the 1950's.

    You couldn't make this stuff up, or maybe you could...


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,262 ✭✭✭facehugger99


    Give him a big bowl of 'cop ta fcuk on' with a side serving of 'kick in the balls' if he complains about it.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,499 ✭✭✭Carlos Orange


    cmoidd wrote: »
    he cane to me saying, he felt puky and it was because of me, I didn’t cook anything for him so he had to eat an entire big bag cheese puff...

    Kinda lost for words.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,522 ✭✭✭✭_Brian


    cmoidd wrote: »
    If only it was this simple. He will get upset... it’s what I did yesterday, I cooked a lovely chicken stew for today, then prepared a raclette cheese with potatoes and ham for my supper, I wouldn’t eat it. So I didn’t prepare anything for him. And asked him to make his own dinner, while I was done cooking, tired, it’s a bit of work... seating at the table about to start my supper, he came in the kitchen and said what’s for me? I said I don’t know, pick what you want. And he got upset....
    then later on after story time for our son, he cane to me saying, he felt puky and it was because of me, I didn’t cook anything for him so he had to eat an entire big bag cheese puff...

    Seriously “he will get upset”

    You need to take a bit of control.
    Either he says specifically what he wants or he takes what he gets.

    Surely as an equal partner he does his share of dinner preparation?? If not you need to have him step up.

    If your afraid of him there are much bigger deep seat problems you need to acknowledge and deal with than his eating.

    Personally I think he’s just spoiled, probably firstly by his mother and then by yourself waiting hand and foot trying to cook his favourite food to keep him happy.

    Cook a wide range of foods, he will eat what he wants, cook something for himself or go hungry.

    He sounds like a right ass hole.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,043 ✭✭✭Wabbit Ears


    the only aceptable responce that should be allowed when a meal is cooked for someone is "thank you".

    I cant imagine saying something like OP's husband does to my wife. She'd blow a gasket. I mean seriously, she went through the effort of cooking so, even if I dont really like it, I keep my thoughts on it to myself.

    I suppose what im saying is you need to train you husband better. Have standard responses that are consistant. He says something negative about your food, you yell at him. He asks you to cut his meat up, you yell at him. He leaves dishes on the table, you yell at him.

    Its good training for you and the kid. Set boundaries. Cross them, get yelled at.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,691 ✭✭✭s3rtvdbwfj81ch


    Get rid of this toerag, imagine having a live-in French person, making you a raclette for dinner and refusing to eat it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,138 ✭✭✭Uncharted


    It's roughly dinner time now I reckon.
    Well OP, how did giving him a swift kick up in the bollox go?


  • Registered Users Posts: 49 cmoidd


    Y
    Those are almost the exact same words used by a (Bretonne) woman with whom I had a argument on this subject two weeks ago.

    She's very "feminist" but said she'd find it difficult to get a weekend assignment done because she'd have to cook for her family when she got home from the week-long course we're doing.

    When I asked her how she could defend her feminist ideals, and then go home to a husband and three teenagers who'd been off school for a week, and had another week's holiday ahead, she said it was her duty as a mother. :eek:

    Anyway, I'm another hardliner in this regard: dinner is served - at the table - and anyone who says they don't like it is told to look after themselves - and that includes vistors. I don't do the typically Irish thing, though, of piling a portion of everything on everyone's plate and then saying "eat up". We've adopted the French practice of having large bowls from which everyone takes a portion to suit themselves. This means I can order the fussy eaters who say "I don't like [whatever]" to at least taste it without coming across as too mean! :pac:

    BTW - if he can't leave the bathroom tidy after giving a child a bath (before coming down and cooking dinner for all of you :D), I'd rate him as a lazy, pathetic fecker. My mammy raised me to be a better dad/uncle than that!

    I guess that's how french people act around their husband... i'm not the only one
    What did his mother feed him when he was growing up?

    His mother passed away a couple of years ago, she was cooking for everyone at home. My husband told me several time, he hated what she was making, but had no choice to eat it, so that won't be helpfull


  • Registered Users Posts: 49 cmoidd


    theteal wrote: »
    We would take turns depending on who’s working later but in your case maybe it is fair that you do most of the cooking during the working week seeing as you’re already in the house. So in saying that, does he cook much at the weekend????

    He does some cooking, maybe once a month, he likes cooking roast chicken, with stuffing that's really tasty the way he does it

    And he likes baking rhubarb crumble
    It's a pity he doesn't cook more often, it's really nice when he does it
    Uncharted wrote: »
    It's roughly dinner time now I reckon.
    Well OP, how did giving him a swift kick up in the bollox go?

    Yep, it didn't go well...
    So told him things needs to change, from now on he needs to prepare his own meal if he doesn't want to eat the same than me
    He said he doesn't like food, and doesn't know anything about it, i'm the one that know all about it so i should be the one do the cooking.
    I told him i don't know much about food either, all i do is simple stuff
    I offer to look at some recipes book to give him some ideas, but he doesn't want

    I asked him to swich places for a week, he will be the one doing all the cooking to see how it goes, he refused straight away saying he doesn't want to do it he hates cooking, so i told him i don't like it either, why should i be the one in charge, why not him? i'm not his maid but his equal partner, he should be the one helping with the cooking not the other way around because with the pregnacy i'm really tired all the time, so that's would be nice if he could help

    He got upset (as planned) saying all i do is shouting at him, he is always the one to be blamed for everything, and he shut down, took his laptop and went on it, that was the end of the talk for him.. I kept on for a little while but he just blanked me...
    And was not talking to me anymore.

    So i just went off for a couple of hours, when i got home i could hear him saying to our son FINALLY from upstairs
    He came down and still didn't talk to me

    So i start cooking (frankfurt sausages wrap in ham, with a homemade tomato sauce made with a bechamel sauce and tomato puree and some cheese)
    After i put it in the oven and told him what i prepared i asked him if would like to eat what i was eating, he answered me in a rough tone NO
    I then said, that's fine, then make your own arrangement for your dinner, i'm having this.

    Maybe 10 min later, he came in the kitchen asking what was in the recipe, after explanation, he said, there nothing else to eat so i don't have the choice i'll have to eat it!
    And ate it, and liked it, he wouldn't admit it but he did, he got 2 servings :D
    And we all ate at the table :)

    It's a 1st in a long time yeahh

    He was a bit jealous of my son having nuggets for his supper, but it was going to be too much for him to try this, i'll need to start little by little with him, he knows tomorrow he going to have try carrot and chicken with his pasta

    So at the end, my husband is still upset at me for "forcing him" to eat and blaming him for everything, he is still really cold with, but we're getting there!


  • Registered Users Posts: 63 ✭✭ashes79


    It did go well! He ate what you cooked! Fair play to you for sticking to your guns, now keep that going. Eventually he'll stop with the toddler antics but rome wasn't built in a day and I think you made a great start.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Doctors room ghost


    cmoidd wrote: »
    He does some cooking, maybe once a month, he likes cooking roast chicken, with stuffing that's really tasty the way he does it

    And he likes baking rhubarb crumble
    It's a pity he doesn't cook more often, it's really nice when he does it



    Yep, it didn't go well...
    So told him things needs to change, from now on he needs to prepare his own meal if he doesn't want to eat the same than me
    He said he doesn't like food, and doesn't know anything about it, i'm the one that know all about it so i should be the one do the cooking.
    I told him i don't know much about food either, all i do is simple stuff
    I offer to look at some recipes book to give him some ideas, but he doesn't want

    I asked him to swich places for a week, he will be the one doing all the cooking to see how it goes, he refused straight away saying he doesn't want to do it he hates cooking, so i told him i don't like it either, why should i be the one in charge, why not him? i'm not his maid but his equal partner, he should be the one helping with the cooking not the other way around because with the pregnacy i'm really tired all the time, so that's would be nice if he could help

    He got upset (as planned) saying all i do is shouting at him, he is always the one to be blamed for everything, and he shut down, took his laptop and went on it, that was the end of the talk for him.. I kept on for a little while but he just blanked me...
    And was not talking to me anymore.

    So i just went off for a couple of hours, when i got home i could hear him saying to our son FINALLY from upstairs
    He came down and still didn't talk to me

    So i start cooking (frankfurt sausages wrap in ham, with a homemade tomato sauce made with a bechamel sauce and tomato puree and some cheese)
    After i put it in the oven and told him what i prepared i asked him if would like to eat what i was eating, he answered me in a rough tone NO
    I then said, that's fine, then make your own arrangement for your dinner, i'm having this.

    Maybe 10 min later, he came in the kitchen asking what was in the recipe, after explanation, he said, there nothing else to eat so i don't have the choice i'll have to eat it!
    And ate it, and liked it, he wouldn't admit it but he did, he got 2 servings :D
    And we all ate at the table :)

    It's a 1st in a long time yeahh

    He was a bit jealous of my son having nuggets for his supper, but it was going to be too much for him to try this, i'll need to start little by little with him, he knows tomorrow he going to have try carrot and chicken with his pasta

    So at the end, my husband is still upset at me for "forcing him" to eat and blaming him for everything, he is still really cold with, but we're getting there!


    You,a pregnant woman went for a walk to clear your head and when you got back he said “finally”to your son and let you do the cooking and graced you with his presence at the dinner table?he didn’t think to take it on himself and cook?what in the actual fcuk??


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,559 ✭✭✭dubrov


    He really does sound like a spoilt brat.

    Just like if you were dealing with a toddler you'll have to be consistent. He will come around eventually.

    Btw, if he doesn't like cooking, make sure to leave all the washing up to him


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