My husband is a fussy eater, I need help

James 007

frash wrote: »

Maybe the brother reads boards.ie & told him to cop himself on having read this thread?

Could easily be alright, cant be too many irish husbands out there married to a pregnant french girl, with the husband behaving like a child, and not able to cook. Keep up the good work and do get away from the house more often with your son and leave him some additional chores to do. For your sanity I would be doing this. Also hook up with similar persons perhaps pregnant mums. Let him know that you are independent!!!

lulu1

It will be back to square one once the brother goes. I really dont know how you can keep this up op. let him eat your cooking or starve.

cmoidd

Hi everyone,

Yes i thought about him being nice because his brother was here, i've noticed when someone is here, he is helping a lot more!

But to my surprise, yesterday after work (he finished early) i ask him if he could help me sand the chair i'm going to pain while i was sanding the bench, he said he hates the noise of sandpaper on wood, it gives him shivers... but after asking him few times he said ok, i'll just put on podcast on my mp3 player, and give it a try, hopefully i won't hear it.. it's what he did, he nearly gave up few times because it was too much for him, but he did finished the chair (2hrs and half) i'm proud of his efforts, must have been hard on him when he was finished he just ran out of the room.

All of this make me have a little more thought about autism, maybe he is autistic in a way, he can't stand some food texture like mash potatoes, he can't go near cold food, gave him nauseas, and now the sandpaper story...

Anyway, yesterday he also help change our hamster cage (it's a lot of work, we need to clean the tubs everytime, a nightmare)

Food wise, we ates our lunch together, he didn't have any complain, it was fine!

Evening, at 6:30 he decided to go for a walk, our dinner time is 7pm and he knows that, he didn't came back before 7:40 so because he wasn't here, i didn't cook anything for him and my son and I had our dinner outside in the garden togheter we had a good time, i didn't to wait for him...

When he came home, i told him, according the weekly meal plan, it was sausage and beans for his dinner he can make it if he wants
He said he wasn't hungry so he snacked on biscuits as his usual, we were playing in the garden so, it's up to him what he wants to eat, he will get sick of bicuits eventually... i let him manange his own food! i just told him since we did the weekly meal plan there is not one day he hate on the evening... i told him if he is like that i'm not going to be planning food for the evening... he said, i'll follow it next time just not today... oh well he does as he wants

So I guess the day was ok too yesterday.

Pelvis

cmoidd wrote: »

All of this make me have a little more thought about autism, maybe he is autistic in a way, he can't stand some food texture like mash potatoes, he can't go near cold food, gave him nauseas, and now the sandpaper story...

He also told you he didn't know how to make sausages.

rainbowtrout

cmoidd wrote: »

Yes i thought about him being nice because his brother was here, i've noticed when someone is here, he is helping a lot more!

So he knows what he is doing is wrong, and doesn't want to be shown up in front of other people, and he is well able to do things for himself. That's actually worse than someone who is clueless because his mother did everything for him. He is choosing not to do stuff and treat you like a maid on purpose.

cmoidd wrote: »

But to my surprise, yesterday after work (he finished early) i ask him if he could help me sand the chair i'm going to pain while i was sanding the bench, he said he hates the noise of sandpaper on wood, it gives him shivers... but after asking him few times he said ok, i'll just put on podcast on my mp3 player, and give it a try, hopefully i won't hear it.. it's what he did, he nearly gave up few times because it was too much for him, but he did finished the chair (2hrs and half) i'm proud of his efforts, must have been hard on him when he was finished he just ran out of the room.

Surprise, surprise, he doesn't like sanding.

The poor lamb... running out of the room is a bit dramatic. OP, he's just changed tack, he's losing the battle on food, so now he's trying to get out of DIY.

cmoidd wrote: »

All of this make me have a little more thought about autism, maybe he is autistic in a way, he can't stand some food texture like mash potatoes, he can't go near cold food, gave him nauseas, and now the sandpaper story...

Anyway, yesterday he also help change our hamster cage (it's a lot of work, we need to clean the tubs everytime, a nightmare)

Honestly if you have to list the stuff he does in the house like it's an achievement, then he's not doing very much.

Funny how he manages to eat plenty of cold junk food with odd textures, yet healthy food he has to cook is a problem.

cmoidd wrote: »

Evening, at 6:30 he decided to go for a walk, our dinner time is 7pm and he knows that, he didn't came back before 7:40 so because he wasn't here, i didn't cook anything for him and my son and I had our dinner outside in the garden togheter we had a good time, i didn't to wait for him...

When he came home, i told him, according the weekly meal plan, it was sausage and beans for his dinner he can make it if he wants
He said he wasn't hungry so he snacked on biscuits as his usual, we were playing in the garden so, it's up to him what he wants to eat, he will get sick of bicuits eventually... i let him manange his own food! i just told him since we did the weekly meal plan there is not one day he hate on the evening... i told him if he is like that i'm not going to be planning food for the evening... he said, i'll follow it next time just not today... oh well he does as he wants

So I guess the day was ok too yesterday.

I'd say he was waiting to see what would happen when he came back late, if you would make a dinner for him or not. He wasn't going to back down by cooking for himself so biscuits were his only option.

I'd be long gone if I had to put up with this manchild.

ManOfMystery

I can't believe we're on page 27 of this.

He is lazy, arrogant and manipulative. My 4yr old son is a better eater than him, and probably less lazy too. 

He should not receive any brownie points for helping you do certain things after you have asked. You're 8 months pregnant - he's meant to be doing these things anyway!! When my wife was pregnant I wouldn't let her lift a finger, and it's not something I need thanks for - it's what any decent husband would do when his wife is otherwise busy nurturing a small life inside her. Why on earth are you even thinking about doing 2.5hrs sanding a chair at 8 months pregnant? You have a perfectly healthy and able husband who doesn't seem to do much else so he has time, ability and the means to do this for you. 

IMO you have been extremely accomodating and understanding of your husband, and almost making excuses for him at times. My suggestion would be that you need to have a very sharp, abrupt and honest discussion about him pulling his weight but I don't believe you're able to have that tone with him.

Gwynplaine

I can't believe this is on page 27 either. Just out of curiosity, what kind of biscuits is he eating? In my experience, eating junk food will never fill me. Spent 15 euro in McDonald's last week when I was starving, I was hungry again by the time I was back in the car.

cmoidd

Gwynplaine wrote: »

I can't believe this is on page 27 either. Just out of curiosity, what kind of biscuits is he eating? In my experience, eating junk food will never fill me. Spent 15 euro in McDonald's last week when I was starving, I was hungry again by the time I was back in the car.

Hi, mainly chocolate digestives biscuits or custard cream
I’ve noticed that too junk food doesn’t fill


Update

Lunch together, he cooked for everybody

End of Afternoon he helped me do the painting

Evening he “wasn’t hungry” except for biscuits and chocolate bars
When I saw that again I told him, to stop this let’s have dinner together to set the example... but by the time I “caught” him eating junk he told me i’m Not hungry, I then told him why are you eating biscuits then if you’re not hungry, come on let’s make an effort for the little man, he said i’m not hungry anymore
Pfff I then said, never mind come on little man (talking to my son) let’s eat together
But he said no I want to eat in front of the TV like daddy, can I have custard cream pleaaseee

So I guess you were right he wants to emulate his father behaviour
He saw his dad getting away with eating biscuits and wants to do the same...

But no way, our son is not going to do that! So we ate together at the table how it should be! And the worth is when he finally agree to come to eat at the table he was like his father, he wasn’t happy with what was in front of him and wanted something else, I told him it’s that or nothing, he just tried... but knew that wasn’t going to happen, so he just ate a little bit and left his plate behind and didn’t get anything else.

So the father actions does have consequences on the son behaviour

K_P

It sounds like you're making great progress, OP. Really glad to hear it.

woodchuck

cmoidd wrote: »

Pfff I then said, never mind come on little man (talking to my son) let’s eat together
But he said no I want to eat in front of the TV like daddy, can I have custard cream pleaaseee

So I guess you were right he wants to emulate his father behaviour
He saw his dad getting away with eating biscuits and wants to do the same...

I hate to say I told you so...

Of course the child is going to think this is acceptable if he sees his Dad doing it night after night. I know people are saying to let your husband eat what you cook or starve. I would agree if there wasn't a child involved. However, he's setting a horrible example for your son by eating biscuits every night instead of a proper dinner!

You need to have a proper conversation about this (not at dinner time). He needs understand why it is so important for him to sit down and eat dinner with you both. Come up with a weekly meal plan together so he has no excuses.

cmoidd wrote: »

But no way, our son is not going to do that! So we ate together at the table how it should be! And the worth is when he finally agree to come to eat at the table he was like his father, he wasn’t happy with what was in front of him and wanted something else, I told him it’s that or nothing, he just tried... but knew that wasn’t going to happen, so he just ate a little bit and left his plate behind and didn’t get anything else.

I honestly can't even tell if you're talking about your child or your husband here...

cmoidd

woodchuck wrote: »

...Come up with a weekly meal plan together so he has no excuses...

I did but it doesn't change anything... he still won't eat it...

gmisk

cmoidd wrote: »

I did but it doesn't change anything... he still won't eat it...

I honestly dont have any more advice other than what has already been posted.
But tbh you sound like you have the patience of a saint, it sounds like you are having to deal with two babies, and the one that is an actual baby is a lot easier to reason with.

woodchuck

cmoidd wrote: »

I did but it doesn't change anything... he still won't eat it...

You really need to make him UNDERSTAND how important it is though - this will come down to effective communication. The fact that the child sees him eating biscuits for dinner and wants to do the same... explain how challenging that is for you as a parent and UNHEALTHY it would be for the child to copy his eating habits.

A grown man eating biscuits for dinner ffs?! He needs a metaphorical kick up the arse. Ask him if this is the type of diet he wants his son to have?? Come armed with facts about childhood obesity, diabetes etc. Honestly, if he thinks biscuits would be a healthy dinner for a child then he is not a fit parent. By eating them in front of him, he might as well be feeding them to him.

Consider couples counselling. Or even individual counselling - it might open your eyes a bit and help you learn the skills you need to get through his thick skull.

woodchuck

cmoidd wrote: »

I did but it doesn't change anything... he still won't eat it...

Only because he knows there are biscuits there!! Throw out the biscuits (and any other junk food lying around, crisps etc). If there is nothing else to eat in the house, he will eat the dinner you cook. If he doesn't, letting him starve is still better than eating biscuits for dinner in front of your son.

Mystery Egg

Please don't pay attention to the advice above. Don't throw out the biscuits, that's controlling behaviour and not constructive to your aims here.

Keep working on this. You're changing deeply ingrained patterns in both of you and it will take time.

B0jangles

I think the issues around food are masking the much more fundamental problem that your husband is behaving as though you are his mother, not his wife.

Nothing is going to change unless he realises that he's a grown-up now; a husband and a father and he needs to start behaving like one.

Unless this happens he's just going to keep pushing your boundaries to get his own way, because he does not seem to comprehend that his behaviour is completely ridiculous and unacceptable.

woodchuck

Mystery Egg wrote: »

Please don't pay attention to the advice above. Don't throw out the biscuits, that's controlling behaviour and not constructive to your aims here.

If there wasn't a child involved, let him do what you what. But he is setting an absolutely horrible example for the child who now also wants to eat biscuits for dinner like daddy. For the sake of the child, the junk food needs to go - not to be controlling/punishing the husband, but so that the child grows up having a healthy relationship with food.

I do think communication is important though. However that doesn't seem to be working atm. Until it does, she needs to make the child her first priority.

igCorcaigh

Mystery Egg wrote: »

Please don't pay attention to the advice above. Don't throw out the biscuits, that's controlling behaviour and not constructive to your aims here.

Keep working on this. You're changing deeply ingrained patterns in both of you and it will take time.

Yes to this. Any advice I have given on this thread has been focused on the surface patterns of food, and who cooks the food, etc.
I know there is a deeper issue, but even because of that we must be careful to not let things descend into destructive patterns, e.g. throwing out someones chosen food. Bad advice.

Let people be themselves, and let others be their own. Freedom of choice will always dissolve any controlling and childish behaviour.

igCorcaigh

Mystery Egg wrote: »

Please don't pay attention to the advice above. Don't throw out the biscuits, that's controlling behaviour and not constructive to your aims here.

Keep working on this. You're changing deeply ingrained patterns in both of you and it will take time.

Agreed. Do not throw out anybody's food.
Keep it practical and simple.
Don't respond to controlling behaviour with your own .

bee06

woodchuck wrote: »

Only because he knows there are biscuits there!! Throw out the biscuits (and any other junk food lying around, crisps etc). If there is nothing else to eat in the house, he will eat the dinner you cook. If he doesn't, letting him starve is still better than eating biscuits for dinner in front of your son.

He’s a grown man. Even if he is a waste of space I’m sure he can just buy more junk.

woodchuck

bee06 wrote: »

He’s a grown man. Even if he is a waste of space I’m sure he can just buy more junk.

I'm sure he can. Personally I think the OP should toss those in the bin too, but I seem to be in the minority (despite the fact we're dealing with a manchild as opposed to an actual adult).

The bottom line is that he shouldn't be eating biscuits for dinner in front of the child. If he insists on doing so, he should do it out of sight. E.g. another room in the house or go for a walk while he's pigging out.

ManOfMystery

Throwing out food won't work. He'll just buy more, and put it somewhere more discreet. Then you get into a situation where he's hiding stuff, which is a whole other problem.

Just as many successful diets don't work in a week and require a proper lifestyle change, your husband needs to make permanent changes to his eating - not just so Junior is taught how to eat properly at dinnertime, but for his own health and well-being. I'd strongly advise trying to teach him about nutrition - now whilst it sounds like he is the kind of man who would sooner poke his own eye out than learn about nutrition, it doesn't necessarily mean going on a course or any one-to-one - even Youtube has some informative videos about it.

osarusan

B0jangles wrote: »

Ibecause he does not seem to comprehend that his behaviour is completely ridiculous and unacceptable.

Nothing will be sorted until he realises this.



It's baffling that somebody could be so blind to their own immature behaviour.

ginandtonicsky

Your husband may well have some sort of eating disorder. He reminds me of one of those folks you see on that "Freaky Eaters" show that hasn't eaten anything except chips for 34 years.

He's got some serious pathology around eating perfectly healthy and nutritious and vital food groups and he is almost certainly malnourished and on the way to Type 2 diabetes and obesity if he's not there already. Not to mention bringing his son along for the ride.

My father had/has a notorious sweet tooth and there was an abundance of treats in the house growing up and I'm still a sugar addict at 33 years of age. Kicking the habit is akin to weaning yourself off meth or something, a bloody nightmare. I'm pretty healthy thanks to a balanced diet besides the sugar fix every day and an absolute rake of regular exercise, but goes to show you just how influential the food habits you witness as a child are in shaping your attitude towards food as an adult.

For the sake of your son and yourself, give this man an ultimatum and get him to check himself into counselling with an eating disorder / distress specialist as a matter of priority. Tell him he's not welcome to join you in the kitchen at meal times as long as he insists on eating chocolate digestives night after night and/or kicking up a fuss about your cooking.

Honestly, the man has issues.

pl4ichjgy17zwd

ginandtonicsky wrote:

Tell him he's not welcome to join you in the kitchen at meal times as long as he insists on eating chocolate digestives night after night and/or kicking up a fuss about your cooking.

That's what he wants, to not be in the kitchen.

ginandtonicsky

Ryland Huge Dream wrote: »

That's what he wants, to not be in the kitchen.

OK, I'll go one further and say he's not welcome in the house at meal times if he's not going to tackle his eating problems head on. He can eat his chocolate digestives in the car.

Emme

The food issues are a symptom of something far deeper which may originate in his childhood and how he was fed then.

James 007

Emme wrote: »

The food issues are a symptom of something far deeper which may originate in his childhood and how he was fed then.

Your right, I'd say he was fed on the tit up to the age of thirty or just before the mammy past away, reminds me of trying to feed the calves via the bucket after taking them away from the tit. I used to take some milk in the hand and leave the calf try and suck the hand/fingers, eventually putting my full hand into the bucket for him to take the milk. Its great that he is making an effort to cook from time to time. Hope it does work out for the OP. Despite what a lot of posters have said I think the OP is taking the right approach and has the patience to work on it. Slow progress is better than no progress.

qwerty13

I’m Irish. I really dislike potatoes. I can’t stand root veg, or veg that is very iron tasting. I’m not mad on bread either.

However, I’ll eat pasta, rice, peppers, stir fry, garlic, ginger, spices forever. Maybe it is a case of finding what he will eat. But he has to communicate with you about that.

He is currently behaving like a brat: pretending he doesn’t know how to to cook, and not telling you what he will eat. I’m reminded of the programme Blackish. Where the wife gave up working and the husband presumed that equated to all of his wants being sorted.

He needs to know that your work in the home is valid work. Ok so he’s ‘earning the money’ - but how much would it cost your joint finances if you didn’t work outside the home. Does he realise that?

joeguevara

I cannot understand the dynamic between you and him. Is this a loving relationship or are Ye both using passive aggressive tactics against each other. Sounds dysfunctional and irreparable. What do you want to happen? Is there love between ye because it sounds like both are torturing each other.