My husband is a fussy eater, I need help

Dial Hard

cmoidd wrote: »

I know what you’re saying, but he not that bad
Just to clarified no he is not violent

It's a sad indictment of just how warped your perception of what a loving relationship is that pretty much the only good thing you can say about your husband is "he's not violent".

Like others, I'm out. You literally can't see the wood for the trees at this stage and I don't think anything anyone on here says is going to change that.

Enjoy raising three children.

Staph

cmoidd wrote: »

most of the time we have a great time, if it doesn't involve duties (housework or cooking)

You've said this twice in the tread and I find it shocking. These tasks are daily occurrences in all houses and it seems that there is tension around fulfilling these tasks. I would find it very difficult to live under such daily strain and tension. This is not normal, this is not ok. Just because they're not violent, doesn't mean this behavior is acceptable.

faceman

The irony of posters saying they’re leaving the thread, which is down to them not getting their way with the OP taking on their views, is hilarious. Remind us of anyone?

Anyway, now that the professional advice givers and counsellors have left perhaps a healthier discussion can be had.

There is a huge elephant in the room here. The OP repeatedly is saying about how great things are normally in other areas in the relationship. This is an important point. The OP seems for the most part, quite happy in her relationship yet has certains areas, like many couples that need improvement. I can’t understand the level of judgement being thrown at the OP as a result.

From the sound of it, it sounds like changes are being made in small steps. This is the right approach to take when it comes to behaviour changes, otherwise he behaviour changes don’t stick. It’s why crash and fad diets don’t work. People make drastic changes overnight and it doesn’t stick.

While the behaviour of the OP’s husband doesn’t sound like something I’d be a fan of, she is making progress here. That needs to be encouraged to address the gaps in the relationship.

Keep it up OP. You’re doing great. His behaviour now has changed since first came on her. Be thinking about what other small things you can do to continue the momentum.

osarusan

faceman wrote: »

From the sound of it, it sounds like changes are being made in small steps.

In terms of eating, I'd agree.

But the OP's posts are also revealing other stuff which are a mix of alarming and pathetic.

I think she needs to sit down with him and explain that certain things he is doing are extremely disrespectful to her. She needs to get him to agree with that, firstly, and then get him to agree to stop it.

Baby steps, sure, but the first step is to get him to recognise that he is doing stuff that is just wrong.

And, genuinely, it baffles me that an adult human would not recognise this already - to the point where either he already does recognise it, but doesn't care, or else will never recognise it.

iamwhoiam

faceman wrote: »

The irony of posters saying they’re leaving the thread, which is down to them not getting their way with the OP taking on their views, is hilarious. Remind us of anyone?

Anyway, now that the professional advice givers and counsellors have left perhaps a healthier discussion can be had.

There is a huge elephant in the room here. The OP repeatedly is saying about how great things are normally in other areas in the relationship. This is an important point. The OP seems for the most part, quite happy in her relationship yet has certains areas, like many couples that need improvement. I can’t understand the level of judgement being thrown at the OP as a result.

From the sound of it, it sounds like changes are being made in small steps. This is the right approach to take when it comes to behaviour changes, otherwise he behaviour changes don’t stick. It’s why crash and fad diets don’t work. People make drastic changes overnight and it doesn’t stick.

While the behaviour of the OP’s husband doesn’t sound like something I’d be a fan of, she is making progress here. That needs to be encouraged to address the gaps in the relationship.

Keep it up OP. You’re doing great. His behaviour now has changed since first came on her. Be thinking about what other small things you can do to continue the momentum.

You are absolutely entitled to your opinion and to voice it . So is everyone else without being ridiculed and dismissed as being " professional advise givers " . The advice may not be what you would advise but it doesn't make it less valid .

rainbowtrout

faceman wrote: »

There is a huge elephant in the room here. The OP repeatedly is saying about how great things are normally in other areas in the relationship. This is an important point. The OP seems for the most part, quite happy in her relationship yet has certains areas, like many couples that need improvement. I can’t understand the level of judgement being thrown at the OP as a result.

But what the OP has listed as good is what a lot of people expect as a minimum requirement in a healthy relationship. And it's not an elephant in the room, if the bickering was about an event that happens once a year, like where to have Christmas dinner or where to go on holidays then it mightn't be so bad, but it's about meals, housework, DIY, stuff that is part of the daily grind and happens throughout every day. The OP has been going through bickering about meals at least once a day at dinner, and more when it involves breakfasts or lunches as well. Her husband despite whatever shite he eats in place of dinner won't even sit at the dinner table with her and have a conversation with her and try and foster good habits in her child. She is delighted that he carried an mdf board for her, that's coming from a very low level of expectation if you are delighted with that gesture at 8 months pregnant.

Tell me how

faceman wrote:

Keep it up OP. You’re doing great. His behaviour now has changed since first came on her. Be thinking about what other small things you can do to continue the momentum.

Paging faceman to the real world. faceman, please join us when you're ready.

shesty

I don't know OP-if my husband was whining about what food was available for dinner, and telling me it was my fault that he had to eat a whole bag of cheese puffs, I would be seriously considering the relationship.
Might seem a huge reaction to a little thing but with kids involved and that happening on a daily basis....no, it wouldn't work for me anyway.Clearly he just has an awful diet (entirely not your fault) and the only person who can change that is him.I let him starve for a while, and I wouldn't be buying cheese puffs, microwave popcorn etc into the house.I'd also be insisting any conversations/complaints about food happen away from your child's earshot.His habits might be rubbish, but he does have a responsibility as a parent to try to help give his kids good habits.

Appledreams15

Tell me how wrote: »

Appledreams15 wrote:

. Ireland's stereotype of men is "manchild" who want the woman to do everything

I think you're very wrong here. Look at all the posters of both genders on this thread who are clearly suggesting this is abnormal behavior.

It's wrong. But it happens alot in Ireland.
1 of my male friends told me he sees the sole purpose of getting a wife as having someone to look after him.

Appledreams15

Hogzy wrote: »

This has to be trolling. It just has to be. Who in their right mind would put up with someone like this!

God. I know so many men like this in Ireland.
I said to one guy friend "but if you expect the woman to do everything, would you not think she would be really upset".
He said "no I'd think I'm on to a good thing here".
There are very nice men in Ireland too, but that sort of attitude I would say ive heard from lots of men in Ireland. 'Second mammy' etc.
Its a culture thing.

Appledreams15

Dial Hard wrote: »

cmoidd wrote: »

I know what you’re saying, but he not that bad
Just to clarified no he is not violent

It's a sad indictment of just how warped your perception of what a loving relationship is that pretty much the only good thing you can say about your husband is "he's not violent".

Like others, I'm out. You literally can't see the wood for the trees at this stage and I don't think anything anyone on here says is going to change that.

Enjoy raising three children.

You have really never met men like this in ireland.
Even when I went round to visit a friend in Dublin
Her new flatmates were moving in (couple maybe 25). His mammy came with them. As the mammy left she shouted in to us "I'll be back to visit him lots as he's my 1st one to leave home!". The next day his girlfriend came down and said that he was incredibly lazy, "she had to make his bed for him, wash his clothes for him" etc. He was happy of course. She was frustrated and trying to change it.
I've seen it so many times!

Hogzy

Appledreams15 wrote: »

God. I know so many men like this in Ireland.
I said to one guy friend "but if you expect the woman to do everything, would you not think she would be really upset".
He said "no I'd think I'm on to a good thing here".
There are very nice men in Ireland too, but that sort of attitude I would say ive heard from lots of men in Ireland. 'Second mammy' etc.
Its a culture thing.

Funny, I have never come across someone as extreme as the husband of the OP. I have come across fussy eaters but those people are usually aware of themselves being fussy (when they reach adulthood) about food and try to minimise the effects of their choice not to open their palets on other people.

Its pure and utter selfishness!

Uncharted

Hogzy wrote: »

This has to be trolling. It just has to be. Who in their right mind would put up with someone like this!

Careful now.....
I got a warning from the mod for saying the same thing last week. :rolleyes:
Strange days indeed....

dudara

Appledreams15 - you’ve made your point that you know “a lot of men like that”. No need to keep repeating it, perhaps instead you could offer some constructive, helpful advice to the OP

All posters - if you suspect of believe this thread to be a troll or wind-up, then use Report Post to alerts the mods. There’s no need to comment it on thread.

dudara

cmoidd

Hello everyone,

Little update

Yesterday for lunch we had the planned quiche Lorraine, he didn’t like it, but gave a genuine try, and didn’t says any bad comment about it, he just said it’s a little bit too runny for his taste but didn’t complain. (It’s how I like my quiche)
It’s the 1st time he was willing to try. So even if he didn’t like my lunch i’m Still happy about the way it went!

For the evening he finished work late 8pm. My son and I had already ate. When he came home i was in the middle of story time and he joined us.
After story time he said he was soooo hungry and tired. I told him, on the menu you picked Porridge for tonight, he said can you make it for me pleaaase i’m really tired. I told him I was extremely tired too and had a tyring day, I was exhausted and was ready for bed. He really insisted on me doing it... I kept my positions, I don’t want to be his slave anymore
But he knows his way around me he tried to guilt me into doing it, but come on Porridge! It only takes a few minutes! He can do it! I won’t even repeat what he said to try to convince me but it was really low low comments... As he kept pushing and pushing I told him to stop, I won’t make it, it’s emotional abuse you’re using here! He said right i’m Abusing now, that’s new and no it’s not, i’m just using manipulation and he laughed he said it as a joke, but wasn’t really one... so I guess it’s manipulation alright and emotional abuse...

Yeah well the little maid is not in service tonight... I didn’t cook and went to bed... he had ice cream for his supper... on the coach in front of his TV...

How can someone be nice a minute and horrible the next one?

I do feel bad about not cooking for him after his long day at work... because he was tired out there providing for us and just want to come back home to a warm dinner, instead he had nothing except his wife calling him an abuser....
but I was sooo tired too, did I do the right thing? Or was I too harsh??? His f#*#ing manipulation IS working soooo well on me, I don’t know what’s wrong or not...

bee06

cmoidd wrote: »

I do feel bad about not cooking for him after his long day at work... because he was tired out there providing for us and just want to come back home to a warm dinner, instead he had nothing except his wife calling him an abuser....
but I was sooo tired too, did I do the right thing? Or was I too harsh??? His f#*#ing manipulation IS working soooo well on me, I don’t know what’s wrong or not...

OP, let me put it this way, I’ve worked full time very long days, I’m currently at home minding my son and I’ve been 8 months pregnant. Going to work is not that fecking hard compared to growing a human and minding a toddler and doing everything around the house! My husband often comes home from work and makes the dinner even though I’m at home all day.

Porridge takes 3 mins to make, he should be counting his lucky stars he has a wife like you and doing everything possible to keep you happy. A lot of wives, me included, would have lost the plot with him a long time ago.

The Young Wan

cmoidd wrote: »

Hello everyone,

Little update

And yet you're still staying. In my book, this relationship is not salvagable.

nikkibikki

cmoidd wrote:

I know what you’re saying, but he not that bad Just to clarified no he is not violent, I don’t think he is a bully he is really gentle with me, he often ask me how I feel, ask me about my day, ask me if I have any pain in the belly, if baby kicks me bad and I sound in pain he asks me if I'm ok he is not that bad, it's not always a war zone in the house, most of the time we have a great time, if it doesn't involve duties (housework or cooking)

How do you respond when he asks these things? Do you tell him the truth, as in yes I am a bit sore from running around all day as well as being 8 months pregnant. Or do you just say you are fine?

The big deal he made about making the porridge, that's extremely childish. Resorting to manipulation and, by the sounds of it, hurtful comments. He's not exactly being a helpful and supportive husband. You would expect a partner to look after his pregnant wife.

Also, it is not acceptable to call you a tyrant etc in front of your child. Your child will view you as such if you allow this to continue. It's also not acceptable, in my book anyway, that he tried to manipulate you into making him porridge. I'd be telling him to grow a pair and grow up. Lay all your cards on the table.

At this juncture, I would suggest marriage counselling. This is a clearly unbalanced relationship and not sustainable at these levels.

Sardonicat

cmoidd wrote: »

How can someone be nice a minute and horrible the next one?

This is a deliberate tactic used by emotional abusers. To keep you guessing how to keep him happy. To confuse. To apply guilt.

He openly admitted to manipulative tactics and tried to minimise it as a joke.

He is pushing back against your very reasonable new boundaries around meals as he wants the old status quo reinstated. I would wager this push back will be ramped up some more.

OP, you mentioned you felt guilty because he "provides for you". Does he use that line himself? You and your partner are raising a family together and have devided the duties along traditional lines. But you are equal partners. Being the one to provide financially does not entitle you to 24hr maid service from the partner who raises the children, maintains a clean and comfortable living space, a supply of freshly laundered clothes, bedding and towels and provides cooked from scratch healthy and nutritious meals.

Try and get some counselling when you are able after the little one arrives. I know this is very hard to hear but you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you are being openly taken advantage of by your husband. You need support with how you are going to deal with that fact.

All the best, OP.

cmoidd

Sardonicat wrote: »

OP, you mentioned you felt guilty because he "provides for you". Does he use that line himself?

No he never said it, it’s just what I feel


Little update

Yesterday I had a brand new husband at home
I don’t know if it’s the little chat about abuse / manipulation that triggered it or not, but he must have think about it overnight because he cooked me breakfast, not just something simple, he cooked Apple and Cinnamon French toast, it was delicious and really filling

Then later on in the morning the house was a mess, I just told him, I was going off for a couple of hours with our son, it would be nice if he could tidy, fill the dishwasher and put laundry on the line outside.. he went ahhh, I was going to watch some TV while you were gone..
but his brother was coming to visit and I wasn’t in the mood to play the maid today after yesterday’s revelations...
So I didn’t acknowledge his answer and left with our son

When we came back 2hours later, he was in the middle of washing the dishes (he didn’t know how to work the dishwasher so decided to wash the dishes himself)
He had tidied
He did take out the laundry

I was amazed he actually did it!!

Then when I noticed in how a nice helping mood he was, I asked him if he could cook the spaghetti bolonese, baby was playing trampoline in my baby at that stage, I wasn’t feeling well..
I just needed to insist a little bit and he did cook the meal for us and his brother
It felt good to be able to relax

For the evening meal, because he went off with his brother all afternoon I cooked for my son and I
I waited for them to come back (8:15) and then cooked pizza for my husband and I did a salad and reheated the leftovers of quiche Lorraine for his brother

So yesterday was a nice day, let’s hope all the days keep going this direction

If the bad habits come back I might consider counselling as some of you suggested

But so far life is getting better

mr_edge_to_you

cmoidd wrote: »

he didn’t know how to work the dishwasher so decided to wash the dishes himself

That’s unbelievable!

rainbowtrout

cmoidd wrote: »

No he never said it, it’s just what I feel


he cooked me breakfast, not just something simple, he cooked Apple and Cinnamon French toast, it was delicious and really filling

So he is actually well able to cook, he didn't just manage to cook that for the first time. Keep it up OP, show that you mean business and that this change is permanent not just a temporary thing, where it could be easy to slip back into old habits. If he is starting to slip remind him that you are supposed to be in an equal partnership and you are not his maid.

beertons

mr_edge_to_you wrote: »

That’s unbelievable!

I remember I couldn't get the washing machine working one day, hand washed everything in the bath. At least he started thinking outside the box.

goat2

I just think that people just pretend that they cannot do things, it is a way of not having to ,

cmoidd

Hi, little update

Sunday was good too

We all had our breakfast together at the table, with his brother too
My husband helped to wash the dishes after dinner and did the tidying
I cooked, he cleaned up, team work

On the evening he didn’t want to eat what was planned, so he snacked on biscuits and went on his computer and our son and I had our dinner at the table

So an other good day, apart for the supper... but I didn’t cook anything else for him so it’s fine

We will see how today goes, a work day...

bee06

Maybe it’s ok with you now but don’t forget that in a couple of years you will be dealing with a child refusing to eat his dinner because he wants biscuits like daddy. Your husband needs to understand that he has a responsibility to show a good example to his son. You can’t parent alone.

nikkibikki

cmoidd wrote:

On the evening he didn’t want to eat what was planned, so he snacked on biscuits and went on his computer and our son and I had our dinner at the table

In a few years, you are going to be trying to get 2 children to sit at a table to eat healthy food. They will have observed their fathers behaviour and will say they won't eat the dinner, they'll eat the biscuits their father is eating. He needs to start sucking it up for his kids.

Do you acknowledge the help he is giving? Tell him you are much happier and relaxed now and that it's a huge help and relief to know you are not alone in doing all the work and that it's so nice to be part of a team. Hopefully he's not doing all this just because his brother is there.

Gwynplaine

You are living with a manchild.

K_P

I'm glad you had a good weekend OP. I don't want to be a downer or burst your bubble, but do you think the better behaviour was down to his brother being there? As in, he knows his behaviour is bad and doesn't want others to see it so he's helpful and considerate when someone else is around? You're being so patient with him but I'm so glad to see you standing up for yourself and not being a maid too.

frash

Maybe the brother reads boards.ie & told him to cop himself on having read this thread?