My husband is a fussy eater, I need help

The Young Wan

Pelvis wrote: »

OP, it's time for you to down tools completely.

If there were no kids involved then the resounding response you would be getting is to leave this guy.

Even with a young fella involved, I'd be telling her to up sticks. The behaviour he's been showing is appalling, and sets a horrific example for his son (and soon new child.)

iamwhoiam

I don't know why any woman would actually think that their husband was " great " or " really nice " for carrying MDF . At 8 months pregnant a stranger would offer to carry MDF if he passed by !
I saw my husband only a few day ago walk across to a car where he saw a woman struggle to lift big compost bags into her boot . He heaved them in and that was that . He wasn't wonderful or exceptional he was just being normal !


I actually now think we are all being led down a merry path to be honest . Then what woman could actually write that and think it something to be excited about ? And the OP paying absolutely no heed to the posts and the advice .
Grant me patience !

Sunflower 27

iamwhoiam wrote: »

I don't know why any woman would actually think that their husband was " great " or " really nice " for carrying MDF . At 8 months pregnant a stranger would offer to carry MDF if he passed by !
I saw my husband only a few day ago walk across to a car where he saw a woman struggle to lift big compost bags into her boot . He heaved them in and that was that . He wasn't wonderful or exceptional he was just being normal !


I actually now think we are all being led down a merry path to be honest . Then what woman could actually write that and think it something to be excited about ? And the OP paying absolutely no heed to the posts and the advice .
Grant me patience !

It is often the case that people in abusive relationships will grab and staunchly hold on to anything positive in their partner to try and justify why they stay, so, in this case, the MDF.

If this guy washed his dinner plate one day, that would be held onto as well. He is "being so supportive".

This is the mindset of someone in an abusive relationship. The op is clearly not ready yet to address the bigger issues at play here (we all know this is about much more than him being a fussy eater).

At eight months pregnant I can understand someone not facing the issues, but burying the head in the sand won't make them go way either.

dellas1979

Well, its very simple.

His bad behaviour is his. He is a grown man.

But you are, or have been, enabling him.

We could tell you from page 1 that of course he can cook. Nothing extravagant maybe. But enough. I dont like cooking. I am a fussy eater. If I am hungry, I will make something I will eat. I do that cause else I will go hungry.

He hasnt been making an idiot out of you.

He's been making an idiot out of himself. He is not taking any responsibility for his behaviour as long as of course he can keep blaming you for things.

kylith

Op, what did you do when he said you were being a tyrant? Did you apologise, or did you point out that a heavily pregnant woman shouldn’t have to act tyrannically in order to get a grown man to do some housework and pick up his dirty clothes?

rainbowtrout

cmoidd wrote: »

Hi guys,


No he doesn't do any chores in the house, but since our little chat the other day, when i explained him, how hard it was for me to keep doing all of this while nearly 8 months pregnant, he understood and each time i ask for his help he is helping more with the chores, he is not happy to do it and shows it, but he does help.

You shouldn't have to ask for his help, he should be willingly helping you. You are 8 months pregnant, tired, doing all the housework and looking after your other child, and I presume at this stage finding mobility a bit harder. You really shouldn't need to ask.

cmoidd wrote: »

And then today, i asked our son who is 4 to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, he was tired and wasn't really willing to do it. And my husband said out loud in front of our son, yeahh i know with all these new rules nowadays, it feel like you're a tyran!! I was just like woahh seriously? Just because i'm asking him to pick up his clothes??? are you going to picked them up? He said No! So if he doesn't and you won't who do you think will do it???

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour, he is undermining and disrespecting you, but also is doing it in front of your child, and teaching your child that it is ok to treat you like that. It's really not ok. He wouldn't get past the front door in my house with that behaviour.

cmoidd wrote: »

But some other time he is really nice, like when i needed him to go with me to the shop to buy a big mdf board for some diy i'm going to do, he was happy to help, and carrying the board for me
I just don't know how he can be nice a minute and the next he is not...

I think your definition of nice and other people's definition of nice are unfortunately vastly different because of your current dynamic. You needed him to carry mdf that you couldn't carry yourself, that's not being nice or giving you special treatment, that's something you should expect as normal. And at this stage of your pregnancy you should have been able to ask him to go and get it for you.

cmoidd wrote: »

Dinner time was good too, he ate 2 plates of my homemade couscous, and told me he was surprised it turned out to be actually nice! So he ate a lot of veggies and survived! We're getting there.

A backhanded compliment. He was surprised it was nice? How about saying 'thanks for cooking dinner, that was lovely' and leave it at that. He's an ungrateful prick at best.

cmoidd wrote: »

For tonight, he wasn't in the mood to eat the same than me, so he just snacked on cookies and stuff on the coach on his own while i was giving the little man his bath.

Wasn't in the mood? FFS, he is getting a dinner handed up to him, and he's sitting eating cookies on the couch and won't eat dinner with you. Total waste of space.

OP, what is going to happen when the baby arrives and you are left looking after the baby, toddler, cooking dinners and doing the housework and he is still being a selfish prick? If you are in hospital for a couple of days after the birth (which you could be if you need section) is he going to cook for your older child? Things need to radically change in your household.

cmoidd

Hi guys,

He is not that bad, it's not always a war zone in the house, most of the time we have a great time, if it doesn't involve duties (housework or cooking)

Someone asked about the mdf, it was actually for me, not for him, i also do the DIY in the house, my husband is not manual kind, so mdf project was because we're running out of spaces, so much baby stuff! i'm making some shelving that i will add in the existing wardrobes, so i cut the board yesterday, today i sanded and painted (3 layers) the boards so tomorrow it will be ready to be added to the wardrobes

It might sound weird the little things he does to help, i make a big deal about it but i guess it's better than nothing... i need to find some positive out there somewhere... And he wasn't really doing those little things before, but since our chat life is getting better... one day at time, i'm not loosing hope, he will get used to this new "tyrannic" rules eventually, he might even not give out about it in the long run

The lunch today had to be quick, we had a doctor appointment, so he ates his sausages and bread on the coach and our son i had pasta

Tonight we're having soup and said he will eat it, i'll see that...

I told him tomorrow i was in a mood for a quiche lorraine, he made a face but said he will give it a try so it's good!

fxotoole

cmoidd wrote: »

Hi guys,

He is not that bad, it's not always a war zone in the house, most of the time we have a great time, if it doesn't involve duties (housework or cooking)

Someone asked about the mdf, it was actually for me, not for him, i also do the DIY in the house, my husband is not manual kind, so mdf project was because we're running out of spaces, so much baby stuff! i'm making some shelving that i will add in the existing wardrobes, so i cut the board yesterday, today i sanded and painted (3 layers) the boards so tomorrow it will be ready to be added to the wardrobes

It might sound weird the little things he does to help, i make a big deal about it but i guess it's better than nothing... i need to find some positive out there somewhere... And he wasn't really doing those little things before, but since our chat life is getting better... one day at time, i'm not loosing hope, he will get used to this new "tyrannic" rules eventually, he might even not give out about it in the long run

The lunch today had to be quick, we had a doctor appointment, so he ates his sausages and bread on the coach and our son i had pasta

Tonight we're having soup and said he will eat it, i'll see that...

I told him tomorrow i was in a mood for a quiche lorraine, he made a face but said he will give it a try so it's good!

I'm shocked he's OK with you doing DIY work while 8 months pregnant. Words are literally failing me right now

Tell me how

cmoidd wrote: »

Someone asked about the mdf, it was actually for me, not for him, i also do the DIY in the house, my husband is not manual kind, so mdf project was because we're running out of spaces, so much baby stuff! i'm making some shelving that i will add in the existing wardrobes, so i cut the board yesterday, today i sanded and painted (3 layers) the boards so tomorrow it will be ready to be added to the wardrobes

I'll be hones cmoidd. The more I read posts like this, the more I think this might be a wind up. If you can write the above along with everything else about what you do versus what your husband does and not see it as being off the charts disproportionate then things really aren't going to change.

If everything you are saying here is true then you are enabling your husband entirely. From the right place and with love in your heart maybe but absolutely you are helping him to be the man he is today.

You said it yourself that he wasn't as bad when ye first met.

rainbowtrout

cmoidd wrote: »

Someone asked about the mdf, it was actually for me, not for him, i also do the DIY in the house, my husband is not manual kind, so mdf project was because we're running out of spaces, so much baby stuff! i'm making some shelving that i will add in the existing wardrobes, so i cut the board yesterday, today i sanded and painted (3 layers) the boards so tomorrow it will be ready to be added to the wardrobes

It's irrelevant who the mdf was for. Your husband is not the anything kind. He doesn't clean, doesn't cook, doesn't do DIY. What exactly does he do if you're delighted that he carried an mdf board for you. You are setting the standard way too low for yourself.

fxotoole

I'm actually thinking this is a windup. No way is this real.

iamwhoiam

fxotoole wrote: »

I'm actually thinking this is a windup. No way is this real.

Said it this morning , we are being led a merry dance .

cmoidd

Yes of course everything i'm saying here is the true why would i lie?

So he is how he is because of me? I enable him too much... What can i do to stop that?

What do i meant to do? I like doing the DIY, hanging frame, drill holes in the walls, do stuff with my hands, even if it's not perfect, i know i made it. And he is not good at it...

About dinners each time i ask him to cook he doesn't want, what do i meant to do? after following your advices, now most of the time, i cook what i want to cook and if he doesn't want to eat it, he can cook himself (more likely snacks in our case). And he seems to be receptive to that because he is trying to eat.

He is now helping a bit in the house duties during the weekend so i guess we're making progress, it's not a lost cause!
What more can i do?

Now we're going to make a weekly meal plan, that should help even more....

Pelvis

cmoidd wrote: »

And he is not good at it...

What IS he good at?

iamwhoiam

cmoidd wrote: »

Yes of course everything i'm saying here is the true why would i lie?

So he is how he is because of me? I enable him too much... What can i do to stop that?

What do i meant to do? I like doing the DIY, hanging frame, drill holes in the walls, do stuff with my hands, even if it's not perfect, i know i made it. And he is not good at it...

About dinners each time i ask him to cook he doesn't want, what do i meant to do? after following your advices, now most of the time, i cook what i want to cook and if he doesn't want to eat it, he can cook himself (more likely snacks in our case). And he seems to be receptive to that because he is trying to eat.

He is now helping a bit in the house duties during the weekend so i guess we're making progress, it's not a lost cause!
What more can i do?

Now we're going to make a weekly meal plan, that should help even more....

No one says you shouldn't enjoy DIY ? But to think he is great because he carried the blessed MDF is daft . Therin lies your problem in my opinion .
I am unfollowing this thread now as its just like banging a head on a brick wall

dee_mc

You're making excuses for him.
Forgive me but from reading all your posts, I can't help thinking you enjoy acting the martyr too. By doing EVERYTHING for your husband and son, AND building shelving and sanding and painting etc, you get some sense of satisfaction from being so practical and so capable, but at the same time you're giving the husband carte blanche to be a useless fu/ker and do as little as possible!
Is the end if your pregnancy not a great excuse/incentive to down tools and put it up to your husband to be the practical one?
I know you're trying to play the long game but realistically, you need to make the change now! What would he do if you were laid up for weeks after the baby's birth?
Why not approach it from the 'I need you to step up as I'm not physically able to do everything while pregnant and nursing' point of view for now, but you will have to get him to pull his weight longterm.
Stop making allowances for him and stop enjoying the glory of being the useful one - as long as you're insistent on being the doer, he has no reason to pull his finger out and start pulling his weight!
Oh, and don't ask him to 'help' - emphasise that you're not asking him to do your work, you're asking him to do his share.

Appledreams15

dee_mc wrote: »

You're making excuses for him.
Forgive me but from reading all your posts, I can't help thinking you enjoy acting the martyr too. By doing EVERYTHING for your husband and son, AND building shelving and sanding and painting etc, you get some sense of satisfaction from being so practical and so capable, but at the same time you're giving the husband carte blanche to be a useless fu/ker and do as little as possible!
Is the end if your pregnancy not a great excuse/incentive to down tools and put it up to your husband to be the practical one?
I know you're trying to play the long game but realistically, you need to make the change now! What would he do if you were laid up for weeks after the baby's birth?
Why not approach it from the 'I need you to step up as I'm not physically able to do everything while pregnant and nursing' point of view for now, but you will have to get him to pull his weight longterm.
Stop making allowances for him and stop enjoying the glory of being the useful one - as long as you're insistent on being the doer, he has no reason to pull his finger out and start pulling his weight!
Oh, and don't ask him to 'help' - emphasise that you're not asking him to do your work, you're asking him to do his share.

Why are you being so harsh to an 8 month pregnant woman?

And to the people telling her to leave him, for god sake she has a little boy, and is pregnant. That is a terrible idea.

I know plenty of men like this in ireland, I remember going out with a man aged 33, he lived at home. He would go out on the piss all night, come home and collapse, his mother would come home from the nighy shift and he would make her bring him a glass of water.

I know a 40 year man whose mother does everything for him. Ireland's stereotype of men is "manchild" who want the woman to do everything


It sounds like her husband is listening, and progressing. Good luck.

juneg

Appledreams15 wrote: »

Why are you being so harsh to an 8 month pregnant woman?

And to the people telling her to leave him, for god sake she has a little boy, and is pregnant. That is a terrible idea.

I know plenty of men like this in ireland, I remember going out with a man aged 33, he lived at home. He would go out on the piss all night, come home and collapse, his mother would come home from the nighy shift and he would make her bring him a glass of water.

I know a 40 year man whose mother does everything for him. Ireland's stereotype of men is "manchild" who want the woman to do everything


It sounds like her husband is listening, and progressing. Good luck.

I agree. He is lazy but making some progress. Nobody is perfect there are plenty of men and women as lazy as this today in Ireland. I'm so jealous of him though having the french cuisine handed up to him !

Tell me how

Appledreams15 wrote:

. Ireland's stereotype of men is "manchild" who want the woman to do everything

I think you're very wrong here. Look at all the posters of both genders on this thread who are clearly suggesting this is abnormal behavior.

iamwhoiam

Tell me how wrote: »

I think you're very wrong here. Look at all the posters of both genders on this thread who are clearly suggesting this is abnormal behavior.

Yes . In my circle of friends , family , nieces , etc not one I know would put up with that behavour . Its most definitely not stereotypical in my world

rainbowtrout

Appledreams15 wrote: »

Why are you being so harsh to an 8 month pregnant woman?

And to the people telling her to leave him, for god sake she has a little boy, and is pregnant. That is a terrible idea.

I know plenty of men like this in ireland, I remember going out with a man aged 33, he lived at home. He would go out on the piss all night, come home and collapse, his mother would come home from the nighy shift and he would make her bring him a glass of water.

I know a 40 year man whose mother does everything for him. Ireland's stereotype of men is "manchild" who want the woman to do everything


It sounds like her husband is listening, and progressing. Good luck.

There are plenty of Irish men who are more than capable of doing their share of cooking, cleaning and doing DIY. This guy does little or nothing and essentially treats his wife like a skivvy.

Even if you were to make some excuse for him for being old fashioned and seeing his wife as having 'traditional' duties such as cooking and cleaning, he doesn't step up and do the more physical work. Did you miss the bit where he wanted her to cut up his food on his plate because he was too lazy to sit up and do it himself?

No one should have to put up with this crap, pregnant or not.

dee_mc

Appledreams15 wrote: »

Why are you being so harsh to an 8 month pregnant woman?

I'm not being harsh to the OP - I'm offering advice to her, as she asked.
If she keeps making 'progress' at the current pace, the husband might be capable of loading the dishwasher without sniping about it by the time of their 20th wedding anniversary (but only if she asks him nicely, and shows him how to do it).
I feel sorry for OP in her situation, but if she wants things to change she has to make it happen. The softly-softly approach isn't getting results.

rainbowtrout

juneg wrote: »

I agree. He is lazy but making some progress. Nobody is perfect there are plenty of men and women as lazy as this today in Ireland. I'm so jealous of him though having the french cuisine handed up to him !

He's not doing it willingly though. He's doing it through lack of choice, he had to be forced to cook sausages for himself, and although he is eating what the OP cooks now, he gives her back handed compliments and calls her a tyrant. That's not progress, that's just changing tack. He's still treating her poorly.

Nobody is perfect, but why would anyone should have to put up with raising an adult toddler when she already has one, and another on the way?

Sam Quentin

Make him Tayto Cheese & Onion sandwich's..
There that's it problem solved.

Hogzy

This has to be trolling. It just has to be. Who in their right mind would put up with someone like this!

SirChenjin

Appledreams15 wrote: »

Why are you being so harsh to an 8 month pregnant woman?

And to the people telling her to leave him, for god sake she has a little boy, and is pregnant. That is a terrible idea.

I know plenty of men like this in ireland, I remember going out with a man aged 33, he lived at home. He would go out on the piss all night, come home and collapse, his mother would come home from the nighy shift and he would make her bring him a glass of water.

I know a 40 year man whose mother does everything for him. Ireland's stereotype of men is "manchild" who want the woman to do everything


It sounds like her husband is listening, and progressing. Good luck.

To be honest, OP, I think it is quite telling that you thanked this post.
Why is it something to be thanked, that there are other useless creatures waited on hand and foot by their mothers, or wives?

You have been given a lot of very good advice on the thread. I urge you to at least think about it. Is this what you want modelled for your children? The level of disrespect towards you by someone with whom you have children is absolutely mind blowing.

This is far deeper than someone 'being a fussy eater'. This, in my opinion is an abusive situation. This is how an abuser confuses their victim, the 'niceness', carrying something for you...and you are eight months pregnant? I'm a woman, not particularly big or strong, as it happens, but I would willingly lift or carry something for another person, whether it was the case that they were elderly, infirm, whatever.

Like others, I am bowing out of the thread.

I wish you all the best.

forgodssake

this thread ...oh my god .. either he eats what u cook or he doesn't and makes something himself .. Jesus come on like why are you so worried about him when he clearly is not bothered by all the trouble you are going to.. ENOUGH

cmoidd

I know what you’re saying, but he not that bad
Just to clarified no he is not violent, I don’t think he is a bully he is really gentle with me, he often ask me how I feel, ask me about my day, ask me if I have any pain in the belly, if baby kicks me bad and I sound in pain he asks me if I'm ok he is not that bad, it's not always a war zone in the house, most of the time we have a great time, if it doesn't involve duties (housework or cooking)
That’s why I originally post this threat in the food section but had been moved to relationships issues

Anyway we made a 7 days meal plan yesterday so i’ll Know what to cook and he will know what to expect. And I tried to make something we will both appreciate, like that i’ll Not have to cook 6 meals a day as I used to. And if he doesn’t want to eat what i’m Making he cook himself
Next step will be to make him cook for me... but I don’t think we’re there yet, i’m Not loosing hope

bee06

cmoidd wrote: »

I know what you’re saying, but he not that bad
Just to clarified no he is not violent, I don’t think he is a bully he is really gentle with me, he often ask me how I feel, ask me about my day, ask me if I have any pain in the belly, if baby kicks me bad and I sound in pain he asks me if I'm ok he is not that bad, it's not always a war zone in the house

This is the bare minimum I would expect of my husband. It does sound like ye are moving in a more positive direction.

Neyite

It's concerning, OP. He's using your son to be passive aggressive and making you out to be the nag and the baddie, it's manipulating a child to gang up on his mother.

Look carefully at your husband's attitude towards anything to do with the home, because this is what your son will absorb. He will grow up knowing it's fine to refuse to eat his mothers cooking, to denigrate her efforts, to expect her to wait on him hand and foot for nothing but contempt in return.

You need to be clear to your husband that you plan on rearing a boy to turn out better than his father did, and if he can't support that, he can STFU, quite frankly. If he's opting out of being a functional adult and the running of your home or the rearing of your children, then he should not get a say in the decision-making process of it.

This is something that you should ask your husband to read:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

You should read this book - though with all that you do I don't know if you'll be able to find the time.

I can understand that you don't want to walk away. Marriage is important and not to be walked away from lightly, but I don't think you can do this on your own. I think that you should really look into marriage counselling to nip this in the bud and don't let it go until your children are older and habits are ingrained and you are nothing but a drudge for them.