Wedding Planner Trouble

caimitator

Delphinium wrote: »

I almost pity her fiance putting up with her and the family. Wouldn't be surprised if he headed for the hills.

I actually have a back bone when it comes to nasty, derrogoratory comments like this. My fiancé loves me to the moon and back and has been nothing less than 100% supportive during this whole thing.

I don't constantly seek reassurance; that Montcrieff text wasn't from me.

I posted a genuine question here and you seem alarmed that I am reticent to cut my only two siblings out my life. That probably says more about you.

I have cut many toxic people from my life before and I'm sure I will continue to do so, but as a poster said above, when it's family it's different.

As for that backbone you seem to think I lack, I have no problem telling you that your comment was stupid, irrelevant and troll-like.

For those of you that have given me heartfelt, empathetic advice: Thank you for understanding and taking time out of your day to help a girl with two immature sisters!

I better go catch up with my fiancé, I think I see him in the distance...running for the hills

*eye roll*

Go run up that hill with him OP and hibernate there for a couple of weeks!

I’ve gathered from this thread that he is your rock. Spend some time away from weddings, marriages and sisters. Practice making babies. Talk and laugh about anything and everything else.

I’m all of this we’ve forgotten the wedding planner lol. You engaged their services for a reason and that’s so you can take a step back safe in the knowledge that it’s all being taken care of.

The weddings a long way off yet so time for a well earned breather.

cactusgal

caimitator wrote: »

I actually have a back bone when it comes to nasty, derrogoratory comments like this. My fiancé loves me to the moon and back and has been nothing less than 100% supportive during this whole thing.

I don't constantly seek reassurance; that Montcrieff text wasn't from me.

I posted a genuine question here and you seem alarmed that I am reticent to cut my only two siblings out my life. That probably says more about you.

I have cut many toxic people from my life before and I'm sure I will continue to do so, but as a poster said above, when it's family it's different.

As for that backbone you seem to think I lack, I have no problem telling you that your comment was stupid, irrelevant and troll-like.

For those of you that have given me heartfelt, empathetic advice: Thank you for understanding and taking time out of your day to help a girl with two immature sisters!

I better go catch up with my fiancé, I think I see him in the distance...running for the hills

*eye roll*

That person who posted that was being a douche. Don't mind them! Keep your chin up x

SB_Part2

OP I feel so sorry for you. My sister can be very difficult but not even she would complain about me having my wedding around her birthday.

Delphinium

Apologies. I was basing my answer about the Moncreiff show on a mistaken belief that you needed to hear the same answers from a different source. I worded my reply badly also.

It is very reassuring that your relationship with your fiance is rock solid. I hope that your family can come around and you have a continuing relationship with them.
But please don't put pressure on yourself because of their attitude. It will be toxic for your future to depend on their approval for your actions. You come across as a very caring individual and it would a pity to lose this characteristic but don't waste it on destructive relationships, even if they are family.

scarepanda

Delphinium wrote: »

You come across as a very caring individual and it would a pity to lose this characteristic but don't waste it on destructive relationships, even if they are family.

In my opinion this is why the OP is in the situation they are in. But they are wrong to put the relationship with her sisters above all else* because it will have ramifications for years to come in ways the op can't imagine at the moment.

* and I say this because they are putting it before their own happiness which should be above pretty much everything else in life.

caimitator

Sorry to resurrect an old thread, just wanted to give an update.

I sat down with my younger sister and agreed to not ask her about the wedding or bring it up around her (before I get bombarded with criticism for this, I did it to keep the peace in my family). It's almost two months later and we have not spoken about it and gone on with our lives, talking about surface things and never addressing the issue.

It's about time that Save the Dates are going to be sent out. I'm strongly considering not inviting her at this point. I'm so resentful and angry and hurt. I know this is a terminal decision and my parents are going to be the ones suffering and that's the only reason why I'm hesitating. My parents said they understand but they want to seek an independent opinion before any life-long decision is made like not having her there.

scarepanda

Why are you sending your sister (a family member) a save the date? I wouldn't, and didn't send any invitations to immediate family members (parents, siblings and their partner's). If nothing else this will give you more breathing space to see how things go before making a final decision.

jellybear

Awh you poor, poor thing.
Weddings really are so stressful when things like this happen.
Personally, I think now is the time to sit down and talk to her directly. Explain this is the last conversation you'll have with her about it and that you do appreciate that things have been civil the last while but that it's decision time. Gauge her reaction and then you'll most likely have your answer- she can only react one of two ways.
I completely understand why you don't want to invite her and having only got married recently myself I strongly advise you to do what makes you happy and forget everyone else. Please don't look back with regret. Make your decision for you and be comfortable with it. Remember, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.
I wish you all the best x

caimitator

scarepanda wrote: »

Why are you sending your sister (a family member) a save the date? I wouldn't, and didn't send any invitations to immediate family members (parents, siblings and their partner's). If nothing else this will give you more breathing space to see how things go before making a final decision.

So true, I think I'm just using that as an excuse to force her/I into making a decision so I can have some closure.

jellybear

caimitator wrote: »

So true, I think I'm just using that as an excuse to force her/I into making a decision so I can have some closure.

You're so right to be approaching it this way. There were issues in the build up to our wedding which were left far too late to be dealt with and they caused so much stress and upset the week of the wedding. You need to sort it out now so that you can be comfortable with how it works out, be it good or bad.

caimitator

jellybear wrote: »

You're so right to be approaching it this way. There were issues in the build up to our wedding which were left far too late to be dealt with and they caused so much stress and upset the week of the wedding. You need to sort it out now so that you can be comfortable with how it works out, be it good or bad.

You didn't by any chance have sisters who were refusing to have any involvement in the wedding because it fell on their birthdays by any chance? Because that would be really helpful right now!

jellybear

caimitator wrote: »

You didn't by any chance have sisters who were refusing to have any involvement in the wedding because it fell on their birthdays by any chance? Because that would be really helpful right now!

Awh no unfortunately not but it did involve immediate family members (thankfully not mine!) and issues going back over 10 years! Awh families are great aren't they!!

Bacchus

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you played right into your sisters hand with this peace deal. What did you get out of this arrangement? Temporary peace, kicking the can down the road while everyone plays happy families and you sink under the weight of the stress? What did she get? 2 month free pass (so far). She got you to cave. And most importantly, she has 2 months distance from the cr*p she was pulling. So now, if you DON'T send her an invite it is YOU breaking the peace and throwing the family into turmoil again. However, inviting her gives her the power so it's a very tough position.

What she has over you is that she knows you care too much about keeping the family together. You mentioned before that your sisters generally don't include you but you still chase their affection. She's using this. So, unless you can break that cycle and really really hold your ground and stand up for yourself because YOU are the one that has been treated so disrespectfully, this problem just won't go away. You can't kick the can down the road anymore.

I don't know should you send it or not but I don't think either option will be a clean one. There's so much potential for her to turn anything you do against you, whether you invite her or not.

Actually, ask yourself this simple question. Do you want her there? If it's no (and frankly you'd be a saint to think otherwise) then stick to your guns, prepare for the backlash and guilt trips, and get on with plannings your day. If your sister says squat, refer her back to the arrangement she made you agree to 2 months ago.

Good luck.

EDIT: Just realised it's a save the date not an actual invite. No need to send that to your family in any case.

caimitator

Bacchus wrote: »

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you played right into your sisters hand with this peace deal. What did you get out of this arrangement? Temporary peace, kicking the can down the road while everyone plays happy families and you sink under the weight of the stress? What did she get? 2 month free pass (so far). She got you to cave. And most importantly, she has 2 months distance from the cr*p she was pulling. So now, if you DON'T send her an invite it is YOU breaking the peace and throwing the family into turmoil again. However, inviting her gives her the power so it's a very tough position.

What she has over you is that she knows you care too much about keeping the family together. You mentioned before that your sisters generally don't include you but you still chase their affection. She's using this. So, unless you can break that cycle and really really hold your ground and stand up for yourself because YOU are the one that has been treated so disrespectfully, this problem just won't go away. You can't kick the can down the road anymore.

I don't know should you send it or not but I don't think either option will be a clean one. There's so much potential for her to turn anything you do against you, whether you invite her or not.

Actually, ask yourself this simple question. Do you want her there? If it's no (and frankly you'd be a saint to think otherwise) then stick to your guns, prepare for the backlash and guilt trips, and get on with plannings your day. If your sister says squat, refer her back to the arrangement she made you agree to 2 months ago.

Good luck.

EDIT: Just realised it's a save the date not an actual invite. No need to send that to your family in any case.

Could not agree with you more. I completely played into her hands attempting to broker peace and now because I'm reneging on that, she'll have another stick to beat me with. My dad turned out and point blank asked her if she'd prefer not to come and then I got this text:

"I thought the agreement was I felt like we disagreed on the date and that was what it was but that if you wanted to ask me something or get my opinion on something that I was happy to give it. That said, I wasn’t spending my time googling or coming up with ideas for you or anything but that if you sent me two pics and said which did I prefer or anything of that kinda sort that I’d happily reply and give my opinion"

Bacchus

caimitator wrote: »

Could not agree with you more. I completely played into her hands attempting to broker peace and now because I'm reneging on that, she'll have another stick to beat me with. My dad turned out and point blank asked her if she'd prefer not to come and then I got this text:

"I thought the agreement was I felt like we disagreed on the date and that was what it was but that if you wanted to ask me something or get my opinion on something that I was happy to give it. That said, I wasn’t spending my time googling or coming up with ideas for you or anything but that if you sent me two pics and said which did I prefer or anything of that kinda sort that I’d happily reply and give my opinion"

Sorry I know she's family but even that text comes across so manipulative. She's acting like ye agreed to disagree about the date for your wedding like it's nothing! It's not her wedding. She doesn't get to have that kind of say in the first place! And of course she's so kindly offering help (under very specific terms that suit her). Did that text come to you out of the blue? Looks like she's prompting you to get a reaction. Did you reply?

caimitator

Bacchus wrote: »

Sorry I know she's family but even that text comes across so manipulative. She's acting like ye agreed to disagree about the date for your wedding like it's nothing! It's not her wedding. She doesn't get to have that kind of say in the first place! And of course she's so kindly offering help (under very specific terms that suit her). Did that text come to you out of the blue? Looks like she's prompting you to get a reaction. Did you reply?

Completely out of the blue. I rang my Dad and asked him what he had said, and he said that he asked her straight out if she wanted to be there and obviously she came to me instead of replying to him.

I didn't reply to her, I knew if I did I'd be replying with anger rather than taking proper time to consider the implications of her not being there. "I'm not gonna spend my time googling..." WHAT IS THAT

Bacchus

If you haven't replied I'd suggest responding that, no, you've no need for any help and that her feelings were already made clear that she did not want to be a part of the wedding.

caimitator

Bacchus wrote: »

If you haven't replied I'd suggest responding that, no, you've no need for any help and that her feelings were already made clear that she did not want to be a part of the wedding.

And then tell her not to come because her birthday is obviously more important or tell her that I still expect her there on the day?

Bacchus

caimitator wrote: »

Completely out of the blue. I rang my Dad and asked him what he had said, and he said that he asked her straight out if she wanted to be there and obviously she came to me instead of replying to him.

I didn't reply to her, I knew if I did I'd be replying with anger rather than taking proper time to consider the implications of her not being there. "I'm not gonna spend my time googling..." WHAT IS THAT

When did you get the text? I can see the sense in not replying but that also plays into her "I offered help" story.

Don't text out of anger anyway. That was the right call. I would though, calmly thank her for the offer but you are respecting her choice to not be part of the wedding and you don't need any help.

caimitator

Bacchus wrote: »

When did you get the text? I can see the sense in not replying but that also plays into her "I offered help" story.

Don't text out of anger anyway. That was the right call. I would though, calmly thank her for the offer but you are respecting her choice to not be part of the wedding and you don't need any help.

Got the text on Friday afternoon and haven't replied. I feel like if I say "No need to be involved, no need to be there on the day" she'll say that's my decision and that will all be put back on me. Whereas if I say you have a decision to make then she'll be the one making the decision and it might be a way for her to take any responsibility

Bacchus

caimitator wrote: »

And then tell her not to come because her birthday is obviously more important or tell her that I still expect her there on the day?

I'd say nothing about that at this point. If you text her something like what I suggested above, it puts the ball in her court to either reject the statement and say she does want to be a part of the day afterall or she says nothing and confirms it to be the case.

Bacchus

caimitator wrote: »

Got the text on Friday afternoon and haven't replied. I feel like if I say "No need to be involved, no need to be there on the day" she'll say that's my decision and that will all be put back on me. Whereas if I say you have a decision to make then she'll be the one making the decision and it might be a way for her to take any responsibility

Yes, this is what you should do. Frame your response so she needs to make a choice. Thread carefully though.

That said, really what needs to happen is a open conversation and your family need to be given a reality check. Right now though, you need to keep things civil because.... well you know why. Ignoring her message is something she'll use against you. So deal with that now and make a plan for the big picture stuff. Talk to you partner, I recall you saying he was a rock for you with all this.

bleary

Your youngster sister sounds like a bit of a drama queen, i kind of feel sorry for the older one, she is probably glad to be out of it all for a few months. You also seem to be swept up in the drama and your expectations of what they should and should not be doing as your sisters.

Why does it matter that your sister is coming back from holidays a few days before the wedding? It's your wedding not hers, her job is to show up on the day and smile.

just get on with it and stop fuelling drama, you both agreed to just drop the discussions so do that. Stop trying to poke the bear for gods sake.

She's invited, if she decides to not come ,leave her to it just stop getting upset because she is not acting the way you want her to. Unbridesmaiding her uninviting her. Just ignore it ,like a two year old having a tantrum. I really feel for your poor parents stuck in the middle of ww3.

if you reply why don't you just say of course I want you to be at my wedding , I'd love you to be as involved as you feel you can be but I respect your decision not be involved in the decisions, I hope that at the end of it all we will have lovely memories of a happy time.
The end.

Teyla Emmagan

caimitator wrote:

"I thought the agreement was I felt like we disagreed on the date and that was what it was but that if you wanted to ask me something or get my opinion on something that I was happy to give it. That said, I wasn’t spending my time googling or coming up with ideas for you or anything but that if you sent me two pics and said which did I prefer or anything of that kinda sort that I’d happily reply and give my opinion"

How amazingly generous of her. Is she not one bit happy for you? You have really been incredibly patient to date, I can't believe her childishness OP.

caimitator

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

How amazingly generous of her. Is she not one bit happy for you? You have really been incredibly patient to date, I can't believe her childishness OP.

The day I got engaged, she was the second person I rang. She arrived at the celebratory dinner that night with loads of "Congratulations" presents. She bought a bridesmaid planner and was excited...until the date happened.

Then every ounce of happiness she had (or was feigning) disappeared. I'm still like, is this actually happening. How little she must think of me to think she can behave like this. And while I was so angry and hurt at the start, I'm now incredibly angry and firmly thinking that her actions need to have consequences.

Neyite

You know, spoiled children often get to adulthood without ever really seeing what their poor behaviour can do permanently to a relationship. This sounds like your sister has gotten away with murder and been indulged on every whim right up until now and does not realise that this isn't about a birthday. It's not about a wedding. It's about feet-stomping because she's not centre stage for a change and she does not realise that this will have a permanent mark on your relationship with her.

Why would she? She's never had to face the consequences or repercussions of her actions before.

But that's not your problem. It's hers, and you actually can't help her with that.

Right now, the issue is the save the date cards. Don't send her one. She knows the date! She decreed that you mustn't mention it to her so that's what you do. Send them out to your guests. This wedding IS going ahead.

My brother got married on the day between two family birthdays. Oh and right between mocks and exams for another sibling. In another country. Another sibling got married days before another's exams. I managed to get pregnant and my due date was days off another siblings wedding. All of those were laughed off. A birthday? pfft. How ridiculous.

Say nothing to either of them. Reserve a seat for them at the reception, and leave it at that. If they don't turn up, so be it. If they do (and likely they will, just slot them in as guests without the drama they crave. Don't give them the power to ruin your wedding day.

caimitator

Neyite wrote: »

Say nothing to either of them. Reserve a seat for them at the reception, and leave it at that. If they don't turn up, so be it. If they do (and likely they will, just slot them in as guests without the drama they crave. Don't give them the power to ruin your wedding day.

I think the problem is between now and the wedding. I’ve tried acting normal but I’m just becoming so resentful and angry at them. So yeah I don’t have to send a save the date or an invite but I genuinely don’t even want to talk to either of them at all and I’m finding it difficult to compartmentalise the wedding when we spend a couple of hours together and I’m not allowed bring it up. I just find myself not wanting to talk at all.

jennyhayes123

You poor thing. I can completely understand your anger.
I wouldn't gratify your sisters to ask them anything about the wedding or run anything past them. I have been following this from the start. The only way I can see you getting past this is if they apologise.
I would find it hard to talk to them too. Maybe minimal time with the sister that is home for now when you are angry for your parents sake
Good Luck on keeping calm

mrsdewinter

caimitator wrote: »

Sorry to resurrect an old thread, just wanted to give an update.

I sat down with my younger sister and agreed to not ask her about the wedding or bring it up around her (before I get bombarded with criticism for this, I did it to keep the peace in my family). It's almost two months later and we have not spoken about it and gone on with our lives, talking about surface things and never addressing the issue.

Op, I feel for you - you come across as a caring woman & your fiance is lucky to have you in his life.
But if you 'agreed' to this scenario then how can you get cross now over the non-involvement of your sister?
Just treat them as 2 women you happen to know. From what you say about their 'dates' & tagging one another on Facebook, it sounds like they have v little consideration for you, so follow their lead & step back. You have done everything you can to make them feel essential to your big day, and that hasn't worked. Nothing will change between now & August, so you just suit yourself!
By the way, whoever said up thread that your sisters' friends are laughing at them is correct.