Wedding Planner Trouble

ANXIOUS

Jesus you really are having a terrible time of it. If everything is as you say on this thread, I can't see how any rational person could think your sisters are anything but spiteful and childish. I get the impression it's the older sister who turned your younger sister off the idea as well.

I'd imagine that she is jealous. Its hard to see how this won't be the end of your relationships with them.

caimitator

fima wrote: »

I'm so sorry they are doing this to you! I can't fathom it but I dont have sisters so it's completely alien to me. For what it's worth, my brother turned 30 the day after my wedding. There was a lot of slagging in the run up to the wedding, everyone referring to "brothers 30th weekend" and such. He was a groomsman and had a ball, at 12 the band played his favourite songs and he proclaims it to be the best birthday ever. We had another party the week after which just extended the celebrations so it worked out brilliant.
What I'm saying is, if your sisters were reasonable people this wouldn't be an issue. Tell them not to bother coming and get on with planning your wedding your way. It will hurt but to me they sound like they are not worth it.

Also, with your younger sister saying that everyone in her life agrees with her ... sounds ridiculous and so petty, i would imagine people are laughing at her behind her back.

Thank you. My SO is saying that if she feels this strongly about it, then she should follow through with her convictions and not come to the wedding, and we should encourage that. He said he'd be delighted to tell people why she's not there.

During our talk, my younger sister pointed out that I never consulted her about her birthday which is the day before the wedding, and I only consulted my older sister whose birthday is the actual day of the wedding. This showed to her that I "obviously don't care about her or her opinion". Also, me cancelling the rehearsal dinner or throwing them a party the day after the wedding is not good enough. I've ruined everything.

She also said that the "you're gonna have 80 birthdays and I'm going to have 1 wedding" is irrelevant.

whoopsadoodles

Jesus you poor thing.

What absolute brats. My god I can't believe I'm reading this.

They're not your bridesmaids. Your bridesmaids are people who love and support you on the biggest day of your life.

I just can't imagine any of my friends coming to me and saying "my sister is getting married on my birthday. The bitch." And me not telling them to cop themselves on but you have to remember that similar people will flock together so their friends are probably selfish drama queens who enable each others disgusting behaviour.

Good lord you have a birthday every single year. You get married once (mostly )

caimitator

ANXIOUS wrote: »

Jesus you really are having a terrible time of it. If everything is as you say on this thread, I can't see how any rational person could think your sisters are anything but spiteful and childish. I get the impression it's the older sister who turned your younger sister off the idea as well.

I'd imagine that she is jealous. Its hard to see how this won't be the end of your relationships with them.

My parents and SO seem to think it's my younger sister who turned my older sister. My older sister is generally very laid back (she's spent the last 5 years in Oz and is going volunteering for 6 months today).

You've articulated my worst fear. This may be the end of my relationship with them. I want them to like me so so bad. I'm considering moving the date, and my SO is saying absolutely not. He won't even entertain a conversation about it.

theoldbreed

God OP, I am so annoyed for you. I got married last year and granted I don't have sisters, but it made me see some people in a very different light. They say weddings bring out the best and the worst in people and this is very true in my experience. The petty issues people had, the nonsense that some family members came out with.
One of my husband's brothers was a right arse, to the point where I stopped the car when I was giving him a lift home and kicked him out and told him to walk and if he didn't like it don't come. I didn't speak to him until the day, he did come and was overly nice.
The way your sisters are acting is downright rude and selfish. I understand you don't want to lose them but you cannot control how other people react. It seems there will always be something you do wrong. Has it always been like that? They'll only treat you like this if you let them.
I wouldn't pander to them anymore. You're enabling this behaviour and you're letting them ruin such a happy time. I'd take them up on their offer to step down. They'll have many more birthdays, you'll have one wedding.

caimitator

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

Jesus you poor thing.

What absolute brats. My god I can't believe I'm reading this.

They're not your bridesmaids. Your bridesmaids are people who love and support you on the biggest day of your life.

I just can't imagine any of my friends coming to me and saying "my sister is getting married on my birthday. The bitch." And me not telling them to cop themselves on but you have to remember that similar people will flock together so their friends are probably selfish drama queens who enable each others disgusting behaviour.

Good lord you have a birthday every single year. You get married once (mostly )

I was flabbergasted when she said everyone agreed with her. The SO said they're not good friends, because good friends would tell her to cop on.

I apologised during our talk in the hopes it would open some door (usually when you apologise, the recipient would say "I'm sorry too") but that didn't happen. She sat there just being upset.

So then I've ruined my older sister's last few days with her family by having this talk as well.

It's a lot.

caimitator

theoldbreed wrote: »

God OP, I am so annoyed for you. I got married last year and granted I don't have sisters, but it made me see some people in a very different light. They say weddings bring out the best and the worst in people and this is very true in my experience. The petty issues people had, the nonsense that some family members came out with.
One of my husband's brothers was a right arse, to the point where I stopped the car when I was giving him a lift home and kicked him out and told him to walk and if he didn't like it don't come. I didn't speak to him until the day, he did come and was overly nice.
The way your sisters are acting is downright rude and selfish. I understand you don't want to lose them but you cannot control how other people react. It seems there will always be something you do wrong. Has it always been like that? They'll only treat you like this if you let them.
I wouldn't pander to them anymore. You're enabling this behaviour and you're letting them ruin such a happy time. I'd take them up on their offer to step down. They'll have many more birthdays, you'll have one wedding.

To a certain extent, it's always been like this. But I've been told I was just being an over-sensitive middle child and I was imagining it. They have the same interests, and went into kind of the same field for work.

For example, I moved in with my fiancée 4 years ago, and neither of them have ever been to the house to come over and say hi or hang out for an evening, it is me who must go to them if I want to see them.

My Mam says what you said. I've been over eager with my want for inclusion. I've pandered to them and enabled this behaviour by attempting to change things around and saying I'd make things right. I organised a mini-Christmas for my younger sister last month because she was injured and organised her favourite nail salon to do a house call which they had never done before. I do this because I want to be included and wanted by them.

It's felt like being in a relationship where he's not that into you and you're a stage 5 clinger who yearns for his affection. And then I see them going out together and it breaks my heart a bit more.

Jesus, now I sound like the dramatic one. Maybe I do share their genes.

coffee_cake

You cannot move the date because even aside from your SO, that isn't going to fix anything. This is gone beyond moving a date. You could move heaven and earth and they'd still be sulking.
I'm not trying to make light of this for you, but just speaking as someone who isn't directly caught up in this, the more you apologise and beg, the more they will decide they are right because why would you apologise otherwise?
This relationship has deteriorated because of THEM and moving the date will do nothing.
I'm really sorry to hear you have such absolute horrible crazy people for sisters.
"oh that's irrelevant" about the 80 birthdays - of course it is - because it doesn't support their side :rolleyes:

Akrasia

Just un-invite them. Let them live in their own bubble where they're always right and don't allow their negative petty infantile behaviour ruin your wedding.

In 20 years if you still don't speak to them it won't be because of the wedding, it will be because they're horrible self absorbed bitchy people and you're better off without them

PhoenixParker

Your sisters are being idiots but you did ask for the older sisters opinion which implied it had some sort of weight and you didn't ask for the younger sisters which is kind of insulting because it implied the older sister mattered and she doesn't.

They're being bat**** crazy but there's a start point.

To your older sister, your parents and everyone else I would point out that you asked older sis's opinion as one of a hundred factors to be considered and balanced in lining up wedding day details. You're sorry if she somehow got the impression it was a deciding factor, it wasn't, isn't and won't be. This date works for everyone else and the suppliers you love. You love sis, you want her there as a bridesmaid, she doesn't yet have a holiday booked but if celebrating her 32nd birthday with her boyfriend abroad is more important then her sisters wedding you'll accept gracefully and move on.

Younger sister can have a similar message. Everything happened quickly, the date was completely fixed very soon after you talked to older sis so no point asking, had hoped to facilitate your birthday with hers. Thought you were more easygoing, knew you don't have a tradition of going away and we had time to work it out in the next year instead you turn it into a vendetta. . .

I would also stop being hurt and get vocally angry about how they're insulting your character. Planning a wedding is difficult, two families and a tight budget to balance. They know you've always done your best by them, treated them well, Looked after them and now they have the cheek to tell everyone you're deliberately being an inconsiderate asshole?

whoopsadoodles

Just to put things into perspective.

13 would be a pretty significant birthday for most girls yes? And we can all agree that a 12-13 year old is a child?

My sister got married on my daughter's 13th birthday. That CHILD'S reaction?

"Oh yay that'll be a fancy birthday. We can still have birthday cake though right...right?"

So a child half your sister's age has more cop on. And we are pretty big on birthdays btw. A huge deal is made out of them so it can't be said they're not valued as much as your sisters value theirs.

Do not move the wedding. They don't deserve it and they've already overshadowed their own attendance so that won't change with the calendar.

fima

Just to add also, I'm glad you told them about this thread. Hopefully they will come on and read it and die with shame. It's disgraceful how they've carried on. I would move heaven and earth to be at my immediate family weddings.

At my parents wedding my cousin who was six weeks old passed away during the night. My aunt and uncle were called away and they insisted my parents were not told until they returned from their few days away. The point is, there's more to life than birthdays. Jesus I didn't even get a chance to acknowledge my 32nd bday this year, I was too busy living my life.

GingerLily

You can't squeeze blood from a stone, your sisters won't ever behaviour how you expect or deserve, you need to accept this.

They don't want to be bridesmaids and don't deserve to be bridesmaids so remove them from the wedding party.

Invite them to the wedding, so they can't use this against you, always smarter to be the bigger person.

I'm a middle child too and used to be treated quite badly until I stopped trying to please everyone and stopped trying so hard to be liked!

Delphinium

Such horrible selfish people. I'm so glad I have no sisters.

Has your father any opinion on the fiasco that is unfolding. I would have a calm meeting with your parents and make it clear the sisters will not be bridesmaids if they continue to be obnoxious. Then, if they re not willing to pull the family together, I would just get on with my life and ignore them.

Reading between the lines you have always been the one to seek their approval and friendship. You are now embarking on a new phase in your life where your husband and possibly children become your universe. Leave those mean, jealous people behind and take joy and pleasure in planning the wedding you and your fiance want.

Take control of your life and your future happiness.

Ginny

Tbh they're being completely irrational now.
Everything is booked, you aren't moving the wedding, its your day.
They've had every opportunity to behave like rationally adults but are just doing a good job of making Verruca Salt look reasonable.
I would just work away with the wedding plans, don't consult or involve them in any decisions.
Have you already bought the dresses? As I can see them throwing **** fits about what you want just to be difficult.
How are your parents about all this?
Could you talk to them alone with your OH and point out how this has gone above and beyond the wedding date, that their behaviour will ruin your relationship as siblings and you'd prefer if they stepped aside as bridesmaids as you couldn't trust them to be reasonable on the day?

Its ****, but if they ever get married this will bite them on the ass.

Ghekko

Your sisters are bullies - plain and simple. They are probably getting some sort of sick gratification from making you miserable as you have been an easy target all along. Time now to stand up to them. No more begging texts, no more apologies to them. One more message to tell them they are no longer required as bridesmaids and after that let them p*ss off. Personally I would go as far as blocking them from phone and social media. Let them see that you are not to be bullied anymore. It's not as if they'll come calling to your door as they haven't been interested before. Let them say what they want to who they want. If they come to the wedding let there be no mention of birthdays. The day is yours and your partners. Stop investing so much in a fairytale relationship that will never materialise - none of which is your fault, it's all theirs and their bitchy carry on. TBH your parents should be absolutely ashamed to have reared such nasty mean spirited daughters. Focus on your partner, your friends and make this the start of a happier life going forward. Think hard about this - if they weren't your sisters would you consider them friend material? I doubt it as you seem to be a very reasonable girl who would help anyone and be thoughtful, while these wagons are self obsessed, manipulative bullies. Dh cut ties with his sister and life has been so much better since so it's not uncommon. PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!

Spanish Eyes

My nephew got married the day after my birthday. We all had a lovely meal together night before wedding and I got a birthday cake which I didn't expect, as it was a usual night before wedding gathering..

My youngest sister died ten days before the wedding. Jesus it was tough for everyone, but you just have to get on with it.. how I wished she could have been there, but that was out of our control and life had to on for b+g it was their special day.

I don't know what to say about your situation op, but I would just carry on and do my thing. Seems to me it will never be right with your sisters anyway, so cut the cord now.

Best wishes

Toots

caimitator wrote: »

I was flabbergasted when she said everyone agreed with her. The SO said they're not good friends, because good friends would tell her to cop on.

I apologised during our talk in the hopes it would open some door (usually when you apologise, the recipient would say "I'm sorry too") but that didn't happen. She sat there just being upset.

So then I've ruined my older sister's last few days with her family by having this talk as well.

It's a lot.

You haven't ruined sh*t. They're the ones that turned this into a massive drama, and you didn't make your sister disappear up to the bedroom to sulk like some sort of hormonal teen.

Honestly, at this stage I'd be telling the two of them to go fcuk themselves, and that they're not welcome at the wedding full stop, let alone as bridesmaids. Don't change the date, they'd absolutely love that. I guarantee they're really enjoying all the drama they're causing. Just ignore them from now on. It might be tough for your parents, not having the sisters at the wedding, but this whole mess is the sisters' doing. They're obviously massively self centered and if their friends are backing them up in this, they've either been selective with the truth in telling them, or the friends are a bunch of stuck up arseholes like them.

Don’t lower yourself to their level. Continue with your plans but give them no say. Keep them as bridesmaids but again give them no say in the dresses. Bring all bridesmaids on same day for fitting. If they fail to turn up, you’ll have your answer.
Remember, this wedding is about you and your partner and your future lives together. Nothing else matters. Just, if you have kids, never, ever accept this type of behavior from them.

Good Luck, be happy and to hell with the begrudgers.

jennyhayes123

OP you poor thing. No matter what you ever do in life they will find a way to over shadow you, this is your wedding day and they still don't care. I can appreciate you not wanting to be left out and I feel so sorry for you. They don't deserve a lovely sister like you. They need to take a step back and think about what there actually saying. Not 1 poster here thinks what there doing is right. Easier said than done but try and concentrate on your house and your life with your fiance. There a typical example as to why people go away to get married

Bacchus

I've only skimmed the replies from other posters but I'll just add to voices telling you DO NOT BOW to your sisters. They are completely 100% in the wrong and they are bullies. You could do everything they all of you and they will still hold a grudge and expect more from you and continue to make your wedding a chore. Take the high ground here. You did nothing wrong. Cut them from the wedding and let them come crawling back to you for forgiveness if they want back into your life.

So sorry that this has happened to you. You can choose your friends but family is family and your sisters seem toxic. Hold your head up high, find bridesmaids that will support you and enjoy planning your wedding with your SO.

scarepanda

Op, on your behalf I am disgusted by your sisters behaviour. Family is important, but it doesn't give anyone a license to treat another family member like a piece of ****, which unfortunately it sounds like your sisters have been doing for years.

Honestly, from your posts you come across as a very genuine person.

This is what i would do in your situation as it currently is:
1) do not change a single detail of your wedding to suit your sisters. Your OH is completely right to stand his ground.
2)de-bridesmaid de-bridesmaid de-bridesmaid their arses from the bridal party. Don't listen to your parent's telling you that it would bring embarrassment to the family. They know what has brought you to this decision. Honestly your parent's should have stepped in long ago and put manners on the two brats.
3) if things stay as they are, seat them at the back with the auld annoying fcukers you invited because you 'had' to - make it subtlety clear to them how unimportant they are to you
4) if anyone asks why they are not/were removed from your bridal party, be completely open and honest about the reasons. Not to embarrass/shame the family, but because you can guarantee that they will spread their own version of events. People will make up their own minds about the situation.
5) have the best day of your lives, surrounded by people who love and support ye and are only delighted to be apart of your special day
6) in the future stop pandering to their wants and needs. They want to see you.... Let them call over etc. If ye are lucky enough to have kids let them visit ye to meet them etc.
7) if ye are Lucky enough to have children (if ye want children), if your sisters behaviour towards you doesn't change, keep them away from your sister's, or at the very least only let your sisters interact with your kids under very close supervision. You don't want that kind of influence on your kids.

LynnGrace

Toots wrote: »

You haven't ruined sh*t. They're the ones that turned this into a massive drama, and you didn't make your sister disappear up to the bedroom to sulk like some sort of hormonal teen.

Honestly, at this stage I'd be telling the two of them to go fcuk themselves, and that they're not welcome at the wedding full stop, let alone as bridesmaids. Don't change the date, they'd absolutely love that. I guarantee they're really enjoying all the drama they're causing. Just ignore them from now on. It might be tough for your parents, not having the sisters at the wedding, but this whole mess is the sisters' doing. They're obviously massively self centered and if their friends are backing them up in this, they've either been selective with the truth in telling them, or the friends are a bunch of stuck up arseholes like them.

+1 to all of this.
I'm incredulous that two (supposedly) adults could start such nonsense and keep it up.
Don't even think of changing the date. Not even for a minute. Let them off. I know it's easy to say but for your own sake try to accept that this is what they are and that you don't need them in your life.

caimitator

fima wrote: »

Just to add also, I'm glad you told them about this thread. Hopefully they will come on and read it and die with shame. It's disgraceful how they've carried on. I would move heaven and earth to be at my immediate family weddings.

At my parents wedding my cousin who was six weeks old passed away during the night. My aunt and uncle were called away and they insisted my parents were not told until they returned from their few days away. The point is, there's more to life than birthdays. Jesus I didn't even get a chance to acknowledge my 32nd bday this year, I was too busy living my life.

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin, that's awful. I hope your family have been able to find some peace after that, I can't imagine it.

There's definitely some perspective missing from this whole situation. Even from me. I shouldn't be letting it impact me as much as it has. When I told her about the thread, she said, "their views our irrelevant, they don't know our family". But I would have to think that curiosity will get the better of her and she'll have looked it up. Maybe not.

caimitator

GingerLily wrote: »

You can't squeeze blood from a stone, your sisters won't ever behaviour how you expect or deserve, you need to accept this.

They don't want to be bridesmaids and don't deserve to be bridesmaids so remove them from the wedding party.

Invite them to the wedding, so they can't use this against you, always smarter to be the bigger person.

I'm a middle child too and used to be treated quite badly until I stopped trying to please everyone and stopped trying so hard to be liked!

I just don't understand why it's middle children!! My SO thinks if they don't come to the wedding and people ask where they are and we say "oh it's their birthday", it'll put some blame on them, because people will be shocked. Whereas at the moment, the plan to just show up and be miserable puts the blame on us.

caimitator

Delphinium wrote: »

Such horrible selfish people. I'm so glad I have no sisters.

Has your father any opinion on the fiasco that is unfolding. I would have a calm meeting with your parents and make it clear the sisters will not be bridesmaids if they continue to be obnoxious. Then, if they re not willing to pull the family together, I would just get on with my life and ignore them.

Reading between the lines you have always been the one to seek their approval and friendship. You are now embarking on a new phase in your life where your husband and possibly children become your universe. Leave those mean, jealous people behind and take joy and pleasure in planning the wedding you and your fiance want.

Take control of your life and your future happiness.

Funny you should say that! For the first time, last night myself, my partner and my parents sat down and talked it out. The first question my Mam asked was: "Have you asked the venue for alternative dates?" My Dad's opinion is that if we said we were moving the date, they'd feel terrible and cop on.

SO stepped up and said we were in no way going to entertain moving the date after the way they had behaved. He's had to watch me get upset during my wedding planning and the cloud that's been cast over the entire thing has made him angry. He called them bullies and said he didn't want to disrespect their daughters but their behaviour was totally unacceptable. He also said that if someone could give him a logical, rational reason for their meanness, he would listen. But if someone came to him with a Birthday argument he was refusing to listen anymore.

Oh! And my parents informed me that my younger sister HAS BOOKED her next year summer holidays and she'll be home, "a couple days before the wedding". She's never booked holidays a year in advance before.

caimitator

Ginny wrote: »

Tbh they're being completely irrational now.
Everything is booked, you aren't moving the wedding, its your day.
They've had every opportunity to behave like rationally adults but are just doing a good job of making Verruca Salt look reasonable.
I would just work away with the wedding plans, don't consult or involve them in any decisions.
Have you already bought the dresses? As I can see them throwing **** fits about what you want just to be difficult.
How are your parents about all this?
Could you talk to them alone with your OH and point out how this has gone above and beyond the wedding date, that their behaviour will ruin your relationship as siblings and you'd prefer if they stepped aside as bridesmaids as you couldn't trust them to be reasonable on the day?

Its ****, but if they ever get married this will bite them on the ass.

They've made it pretty clear they don't want to be bridesmaids but I still want them to. I want them to want to be there and to be happy for me.

My parents aren't pushing them but are supporting us.

caimitator

Ghekko wrote: »

Your sisters are bullies - plain and simple. They are probably getting some sort of sick gratification from making you miserable as you have been an easy target all along. Time now to stand up to them. No more begging texts, no more apologies to them. One more message to tell them they are no longer required as bridesmaids and after that let them p*ss off. Personally I would go as far as blocking them from phone and social media. Let them see that you are not to be bullied anymore. It's not as if they'll come calling to your door as they haven't been interested before. Let them say what they want to who they want. If they come to the wedding let there be no mention of birthdays. The day is yours and your partners. Stop investing so much in a fairytale relationship that will never materialise - none of which is your fault, it's all theirs and their bitchy carry on. TBH your parents should be absolutely ashamed to have reared such nasty mean spirited daughters. Focus on your partner, your friends and make this the start of a happier life going forward. Think hard about this - if they weren't your sisters would you consider them friend material? I doubt it as you seem to be a very reasonable girl who would help anyone and be thoughtful, while these wagons are self obsessed, manipulative bullies. Dh cut ties with his sister and life has been so much better since so it's not uncommon. PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!

Was his sister mean to him or you? It's so weird, everyone can see how they're bullying and yet I'm STILL seeing myself as the problem. It's like this: There must be a reason why they choose to act like this, and that reason must be something to do with me. Something I've done, a personality trait, something. Because you don't bully people you love.

caimitator

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

My nephew got married the day after my birthday. We all had a lovely meal together night before wedding and I got a birthday cake which I didn't expect, as it was a usual night before wedding gathering..

My youngest sister died ten days before the wedding. Jesus it was tough for everyone, but you just have to get on with it.. how I wished she could have been there, but that was out of our control and life had to on for b+g it was their special day.

I don't know what to say about your situation op, but I would just carry on and do my thing. Seems to me it will never be right with your sisters anyway, so cut the cord now.

Best wishes

I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I fear something happening to one of mine and this being how it's been left between the three of us.

I hope you're ok.

XxMCRxBabyxX

caimitator wrote: »

They've made it pretty clear they don't want to be bridesmaids but I still want them to. I want them to want to be there and to be happy for me.

My parents aren't pushing them but are supporting us.

Why do you want two such unsupportive women as your bridesmaids? You know that they don't want the job and they're obviously just going to make things difficult at every turn so why put yourself through that? There's no set rule that says sisters have to be bridesmaids.

Your SO is right. Leave them to do whatever they want and if they're so pathetic as to not turn up, they're the ones who look ridiculous when people hear why

You need to stop caring about them and more about yourself. They've made their decision so let them do what they want while you enjoy the rest of your c wedding planning. I can't guarantee that they'll regret their decision but their attitudes will change when they realise that you're not paying them any attention anymore.