Wedding Planner Trouble

caimitator

Recliner wrote: »

You know what's also a big deal? Your wedding day!! And if they can't see that then sod 'em..

Stop pandering to them.

I don't want to pander to them, but I also don't want to lose them. I don't want to be 20 years down the line explaining to my kids that we don't see Aunt X or Aunt Y because of my wedding.

Toots

caimitator wrote: »

But how do they feel they're so strongly in the right?? Like I say the situation out loud to people and I'm like "Jesus my sisters really must hate me."

Let's hope I never need a kidney.

I'd put pretty good money on it that they're jealous. Maybe the eldest sister is annoyed that you're getting married first.

Out of interest how did they react when ye got engaged?

caimitator

Toots wrote: »

I'd put pretty good money on it that they're jealous. Maybe the eldest sister is annoyed that you're getting married first.

Out of interest how did they react when ye got engaged?

Great! My younger sister organised a dinner for us that night and got us loads of engagement gifts and bought me a wedding planning folder. We got engaged a year and a half ago. It was only when the birthday date started to be mentioned that they completely distanced themselves from anything wedding related, and me in general.

Toots

I dunno. They sound completely unreasonable to me. And to be honest, if I was one of them and my sister was planning on turning the day after her wedding into a birthday party for me I'd be mortified.

I don't know if your fiance speaking to them alone would do more harm than good, but maybe if the two of you spoke to your parents and explained how much all this is upsetting you they may be a bit more on side. Then perhaps he could both speak to your sisters and tell them how much their behaviour is hurting you both, and that if they can't be supportive and basically not hostile about the whole thing, say you've been thinking a lot about what the younger sister said, and you both feel it would be better if they stood aside as bridesmaids. It's your wedding day, and you don't want people standing with you who aren't going to be genuinely happy for you.

caimitator

Toots wrote: »

I dunno. They sound completely unreasonable to me. And to be honest, if I was one of them and my sister was planning on turning the day after her wedding into a birthday party for me I'd be mortified.

I don't know if your fiance speaking to them alone would do more harm than good, but maybe if the two of you spoke to your parents and explained how much all this is upsetting you they may be a bit more on side. Then perhaps he could both speak to your sisters and tell them how much their behaviour is hurting you both, and that if they can't be supportive and basically not hostile about the whole thing, say you've been thinking a lot about what the younger sister said, and you both feel it would be better if they stood aside as bridesmaids. It's your wedding day, and you don't want people standing with you who aren't going to be genuinely happy for you.

You're so right. It's very hurtful and difficult to acknowledge. I wish things were different. I would never ever treat them like this.

XxMCRxBabyxX

This may be an extreme but would you be willing to corner them into seeing how ridiculous they're being? Offer to hire out a pub for them to have a joint party the day of your wedding if they've decided that their birthdays are that much more important than your wedding. This is 3am talk so sounds a bit silly but maybe if you can do something along those lines that shows them how they're coming across they might cop on.

For the record, my aunt and Granny's birthdays were the same weekend as my cousin's wedding and they didn't (seem to) mind at all. It just added to the celebrations. We sang Happy birthday on the second night, had some more cake and then we all went back to general celebratory fun. I know that you say that you make a big deal of birthdays but at the end of it, it's just another birthday and they'll hopefully have more for many years to come. I'm sure that you're only planning on having one Wedding! :-)

caimitator

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

This may be an extreme but would you be willing to corner them into seeing how ridiculous they're being? Offer to hire out a pub for them to have a joint party the day of your wedding if they've decided that their birthdays are that much more important than your wedding. This is 3am talk so sounds a bit silly but maybe if you can do something along those lines that shows them how they're coming across they might cop on.

For the record, my aunt and Granny's birthdays were the same weekend and they didn't (seem to) mind at all. It just added to the celebrations. We sang Happy birthday on the second night, had some more cake and then we all went back to general celebratory fun. I know that you say that you make a big deal of birthdays but at the end of it, it's just another birthday and they'll hopefully have more for many years to come. I'm sure that you're only planning on having one Wedding! :-)

No it doesn't sound silly. One of my friends said I should say I'm going to change the date and venue because of their birthdays, my friend thinks that they'll realise they're making a big deal out of it then. But then I'm afraid they'll call my bluff!

XxMCRxBabyxX

Actually, another thought:
Considering that you do make a big deal of birthdays, do you think that they might be worried that your anniversary will also overshadow their birthdays in years to come? Still irrational of course but maybe that's part of their thinking?

Would one of your sisters be more reasonable than the other of you talk to her on her own?

caimitator

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

Actually, another thought:
Considering that you do make a big deal of birthdays, do you think that they might be worried that your anniversary will also overshadow their birthdays in years to come? Still irrational of course but maybe that's part of their thinking?

Would one of your sisters be more reasonable than the other of you talk to her on her own?

Yeah, they've voiced the concern that they're worried that my anniversary will now forever be on their birthday. God, it sounds so silly saying it out loud.

They've teamed up. So no talking to one without the other getting involved in any Birthday/wedding talk.

XxMCRxBabyxX

caimitator wrote: »

No it doesn't sound silly. One of my friends said I should say I'm going to change the date and venue because of their birthdays, my friend thinks that they'll realise they're making a big deal out of it then. But then I'm afraid they'll call my bluff!

I was thinking more along the lines of "you have your birthday while I have my wedding if that's how you want it!" :-D

XxMCRxBabyxX

caimitator wrote: »

Yeah, they've voiced the concern that they're worried that my anniversary will now forever be on their birthday. God, it sounds so silly saying it out loud.

They've teamed up. So no talking to one without the other getting involved in any Birthday/wedding talk.

I'd just print off the Wikipedia pages for each of their birthdays and break it to them that the day isn't all about them. You sound like you've been very patient up until now but, sisters or not, they need to be told to grow up and cop on. I'm sorry that they're putting you through this.

If you want to keep them as bridesmaids do, but if be avoiding getting them involved in any more than you have to. It'll also give them less of a chance to moan at you.

Estrellita

The drama, good God. If you'd said these sisters were 8 and 10 years old this 'problem' would have been more believable.

Put your foot down for once and for all. You can't have them as bridesmaids if they are so aggrieved over this that their attitudes would effect your wedding. Forget the damn birthday talk with them, I wouldn't even consider alternatives with them because it gives them a sense of control, or its more like an admission you're somehow putting them out. This is ridiculous. While reading this I thought there's no way this could really be about insignificant birthdays, surely their actions are motivated by jealousy.

You don't need their opinion on anything, so stop asking them. If you really want an opinion or help choosing something, ask someone who doesn't have a childish gripe with the date. Your mum, an aunt, a cousin, a friend... I'd ask the damn cat before I'd ask the opinion of these sisters. Honestly, weddings can be stressful enough without having to give in to anyone else pulling a stroppy over something. It's not like you did this on purpose, you had to go with availability. If they can't see that then it's time to cut these two loose as bridesmaids, you've enough to be doing. Forget 'how it looks'. All eyes will be on you and the groom.

The sisters mightn't like your firm stance on this, but they will get over it (themselves) at some stage. If they don't have an instrumental part to play in this then you don't have to worry about how their carry on will effect your day. It's bloody ridiculous it's even an issue at all. Birthdays come every year, your wedding day won't.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding by the way. That weekend is about you and your groom to be, enjoy it.

TequilaMockingBird

Nip this in the bud now. Tell them you understand (lie) and that as it's their birthday's you wouldn't expect them to "have" to be bridesmaids on their special days. You completely understand but hope they can attend anyway and make the most of it. Carry on with your other two bridesmaids (and wait for the other two madams to beg to be allowed to be bridesmaids again).

They sound laughably immature.

solerina

Both of your sisters really need to cop on, they are not children and really once you go over 21 most people are not bothered about big celebrations. Two complete juvenile idiots are what they seem from your posts.

Toots

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

I was thinking more along the lines of "you have your birthday while I have my wedding if that's how you want it!" :-D

"I understand that you're upset with the dates of the wedding, so if you would prefer to take the weekend to do birthday stuff instead of coming to the wedding, there'll be no hard feelings."

Seriously though, I just wouldn't discuss anything wedding related with them at all anymore. Apart from asking them to step down as bridesmaids (if you want) They probably will regret it as it comes closer to the day and they realise they'll miss out on a lot and won't get to sit at the top table. Also if they do continue to act like this, I'd be giving serious reconsideration to allowing them have all their friends at the 2nd day.

mcgiggles

Toots wrote:

Look they're 26 and 32, it's not like they're kids or this is a big birthday. Ask them to step aside as bridesmaids and just try your best to ignore their negativity. If you've booked a venue and planner and put down deposits, you could lose a pile of money if you need to change the dates.

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote:

Actually, another thought: Considering that you do make a big deal of birthdays, do you think that they might be worried that your anniversary will also overshadow their birthdays in years to come? Still irrational of course but maybe that's part of their thinking?

To put it in perspective, my sister is getting married on the same date as me a year later.. when she asked me would I mind if they had that date cos its our date, I was like hell no I don't mind! Go for it! 2018 isn't "our date" 2017 will be!! So we will be spending our first anniversary (which is a much bigger cause to celebrate than a 26/32 birthday!) celebrating my sisters wedding and I'm delighted! Note to your bridesmaids: This is how sisters should act.

SpillingTheTea

It never fails to amaze me how selfish family members can be and then they expect you to not treat them with 1/10th of the same way back to them!


I agree with the other posters above, you should either try get your parents to help you deal with them, or let them off and enjoy their inconsequential birthdays. They’ll never let you be happy, so you may as well take some control back.

Just send the silly immature things a link to this page.

LLewellen Farquarson

My two cents worth... It's only partially about the birthdays, at least that is the totem pole, McGuffin, etc. that they are using to crystallise their unhappiness. Why they are unhappy is what is at issue? Is it that you are the first to get married, that you are in a happy relationship, that you are getting the limelight? That the last years planning, and discussion, is all about your wedding? Especially if your mother is involved in the planning (and maybe not as enthusiastic about stuff that the other two are doing.)

The reality is that it is working. You were thinking about changing you wedding day for gods sake! If you hadn't said that you were a middle child I would have guessed it (speaking as one myself). The feedback they are receiving is that they have the upper hand and it is all about them. You need to stop this, either overtly, by telling them to cop themselves on, or subvertly by stopping any communication with them regarding the wedding (and if they ask, say "Oh, I assumed you had no interest since your birthdays were more important to you" - play them at their own game.

The youngest has probably been spoilt, and the oldest is probably not happy that you are the first to get married, or maybe moving on with your life (only guessing here - I don't know your family). Are they still living at home?

Focusing on the birthdays as the problem is probably wrong, and missing the point. Even if you were to address it, the underlying problem is still there.

And it might be an idea to bounce anything off a non-interested party, who can remain objective. You, and you sisters, and mother, are too close to it, and the whole family dynamic is coming into play.

Anyway, hope this helps, and for the record, I do think that they are acting like spoiled children, not grown adults.

Lambay island

Ouch, I feel sorry for you here. Family issues can be draining. I would let your fiance talk to them but make sure he has a plan of what he needs to say etc and keeps his cool no matter what. How important the wedding is to you, how important they are part of it and happy etc etc.
They are been completely unreasonable and I'm sure they know it deep down just need to be told by a third person in my opinion. If it doesn't help, there is only so much you can do. They will live to regret the way they have treated you about all of this.

My wifes brother got married on the date of her 30th Birthday. Now she didn't draw attention to this or want any fuss about it and was happy the fact her brother was celebrating his wedding on that day. Much to her mortification, her brother brought a cake out for her at the during his speech and Happy Birthday was sang. I thought it was a nice touch.

emeldc

caimitator wrote: »

Yes, have spoken to the other bridesmaids about it. They're being supportive, saying they're there if I need them etc. Being very nice about it. My fiancs fuming, unsurprisingly. He's wondering if he should say something to them. Reach out to them separately.

Yes, birthdays are a big deal. We tend to go overboard with gifts, make sure the person feels special etc.

Make sure his reach is long enough!
Fuggin' ridiculous carry on. 27th and 32nd birthdays, WTF. You should have gone to Spain with your OH and got married with a few mates for company.

maisiedaisy

OP I really feel for you...sisters can be horrible!

I think Llewellen Farquor hit the nail on the head. This is a front for some bigger issue.

My own sister didn't speak to me for a month after I got engaged, because my fiancé proposed to me 6 moths before her wedding. To this day, she thinks we were in the wrong to get engaged when we did.

Lay it out to them. Tell them you care about them, you would like them to be involved in your wedding, but the way they're carrying on you're not sure if they will be. And that you really don't want to be in a situation where you've nothing to do with them in the future, but that you're fed up of this behaviour, and don't want your own family in the future to be subjected to this narcissist carry on. In conjunction with that though, it might be more no harm to accept yourself that you can't ask them for their opinion, and that you've to rely more on your other bridesmaids. That's been one of the most difficult things I've found so far in planning my own wedding, because you always imagine your sister would surely be excited for your wedding too.

Recliner

caimitator wrote: »

I don't want to pander to them, but I also don't want to lose them. I don't want to be 20 years down the line explaining to my kids that we don't see Aunt X or Aunt Y because of my wedding.

It won't be the case of not seeing Aunt X or Y because of your wedding. It'll be because your sisters are acting like spoiled princesses. Generation snowflake in all it's glory although in fairness they're a bit long in the tooth even for that.
Do they honestly think they have that date locked in in perpetuity?

My sister gave birth to one of my nieces on a significant birthday of mine. I feel somewhat aggrieved now that I didn't demand that she hold her in until the day after. I mean she's monopolized all my birthdays since then. How very dare she..

Seriously I know I'm being flippant here but I've been through the drama of organising a wedding when there were serious family issues. We just changed the plans completely and had a tiny wedding and didn't invite the people who were causing the drama.

The ball is definitely in your court. The date is set and that's not changing. Now whether you decide to let others make this about them is up to you.
Where will it end, will you have to plan your children's conception so as not to clash with them? You're going to have to toughen up and get your OH involved as well.

I wish you well, and a long and happy marriage.

EvaSwitch2

God I think it's terrible that your sisters are putting you in such an awkward position. I don't think you should change your wedding date just for them; I know birthdays are a big deal but I would agree with your thinking that it would make it even more special to have 3 things to celebrate on the day and it could be acknowledged in the speeches with flowers presented to them or something!
But they are being so unreasonable and I find it hard to believe that the whole thing is only stemming from this one issue. I wonder are they jealous that you are getting married before them? Or maybe they are used to having all the attention and don't like that this wedding is all about you (as it should be).
I hope it all gets sorted out anyway, this is the last thing you need when trying to organise a wedding.

Ghekko

I would accept your sisters offer to step down from being bridesmaid and I'd hope the other one would follow suit. The pair of them sound like the ugly sisters in Cinderella! Ask them straight out if they have any interest in their role (should be honoured) and if they make any remark about their birthday or about you expecting too much from them then send them packing. You need to enjoy your day and have smiling faces in your lovely wedding photos - not sour pusses. And if anyone asks why they are not bridesmaids don't lie - tell them that your sisters were put out because your day clashed with One of their birthdays. I'd also not bother making the second day about them. I'd go as far as heading off on honeymoon that day and leave the lot of them stewing! Despicable behaviour from grown women.

Bacchus

Suckit wrote: »

Why not ask your younger sister if she would have her 27th party the weekend before the wedding, and as your older sister if she would have her 32nd the weekend after the wedding.
I have never heard of a party for either, but i guess that their main issues are that, if they wanted to actually have a party they would be unable because of your wedding?

TBH, I'd avoid making any sort of suggestions or compromises over their birthdays. All you end up doing is validating their grievance. If you suggest anything like the above (no offence Suckit) that's automatically feeding into their notion that their birthday's are actually important and that they have something over you. Don't give them an inch. It'd be different (slightly) if it was their 30th or something, but it's not. It's a nothing birthday.

caimitator wrote: »

I don't want to pander to them, but I also don't want to lose them. I don't want to be 20 years down the line explaining to my kids that we don't see Aunt X or Aunt Y because of my wedding.

Correction: The reason will be that Aunt X and Aunt Y were immature, letting their 33rd and 27th birthday parties come before the day you got married. Whatever happens down the line, you and your wedding are NOT to blame.

I agree with many of the posters that have already suggested to put the ball in their court. Don't boot them as bridesmaids but make it clear that they need to get on board the happy train or make the decision to step aside. I can tell you from a photographers perspective you do not want your photos on the alter or in the bridal shoot to be full of disinterested faces. I feel bad whenever I'm editing a shoot and all I see from the bridesmaids (or groomsmen) is blank 'thousand mile stares' like they couldn't give a fcuk that their friend/sister was getting married.

coffee_cake

caimitator wrote: »

I don't want to pander to them, but I also don't want to lose them. I don't want to be 20 years down the line explaining to my kids that we don't see Aunt X or Aunt Y because of my wedding.

You can't control their actions and they seem rather determined to be in a strop over nothing.
I would bet that even if you caved into the madness and cancelled the wedding (don't, for the love of god), they'd still be in a strop because you "even thought of it in the first place".
Un-bridesmaid them, tell your mum to talk to them instead of you if she has a problem with that, and try to enjoy the planning with your other bridesmaids.
Any more talk of compromise tell them you'd be delighted to compromise and they can just change the days they were born.

Shocking carryon from that pair altogether. Cinderella stepsisters is right

jennyhayes123

Spoilt brats....
I wouldn't even entertain it being there birthday weekends at the time unless they seriously cop on. There not 5. If they kept it up I would go off and elope. I feel sorry for you having such drama attention seeking drama queens for sisters

caimitator

Well the proverbial hit the fan on Thursday night.

I went to see my parents and my older sister (who's leaving the country for 6 months today). While I was there, I asked could I talk to the younger sister in the hopes of smoothing things over before my older sister leaves so that we could all spend some family time together before she leaves for 6 months.

It started off calm, but she became pretty upset and emotional saying she didn't want to hang out with a person who would do this to her. Also, she said: "I shouldn't be punished just because you left it so late to book your wedding." She said I was the selfish one and that she would never do this to me. For the last five years, she has spent her birthday abroad with her boyfriend and now I was taking that away from her.

When I suggested she take a look at an objective viewpoint by viewing this thread (or any other thread on this issue actually) she said this is irrelevant because the posters don't know our family. In any case, ALL of her friends and her boyfriend etc. think what I've done is "horrendous".

Then my older sister entered the room and said I shouldn't be having this talk so close to her leaving and I was ruining the last days with her family. She went upstairs, texted me and told me I should leave. When I didn't leave, she didn't return from her room for the rest of the night and eventually went to sleep. While I was begging for forgiveness via text, which she was ignoring, she was tagging my younger sister in funny Facebook posts and texting her.

I should probably point out this has gone much further than wedding talk. Since this happened a couple months ago, my sisters have organised and gone on day trips without inviting or including me, stopped tagging me in Facebook things (minor I know), generally stopped involving me in their lives entirely.

It's been really tough for me.

fima

I'm so sorry they are doing this to you! I can't fathom it but I dont have sisters so it's completely alien to me. For what it's worth, my brother turned 30 the day after my wedding. There was a lot of slagging in the run up to the wedding, everyone referring to "brothers 30th weekend" and such. He was a groomsman and had a ball, at 12 the band played his favourite songs and he proclaims it to be the best birthday ever. We had another party the week after which just extended the celebrations so it worked out brilliant.
What I'm saying is, if your sisters were reasonable people this wouldn't be an issue. Tell them not to bother coming and get on with planning your wedding your way. It will hurt but to me they sound like they are not worth it.

Also, with your younger sister saying that everyone in her life agrees with her ... sounds ridiculous and so petty, i would imagine people are laughing at her behind her back.