Wedding Planner Trouble

caimitator

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

Why do you want two such unsupportive women as your bridesmaids? You know that they don't want the job and they're obviously just going to make things difficult at every turn so why put yourself through that? There's no set rule that says sisters have to be bridesmaids.

Your SO is right. Leave them to do whatever they want and if they're so pathetic as to not turn up, they're the ones who look ridiculous when people hear why

You need to stop caring about them and more about yourself. They've made their decision so let them do what they want while you enjoy the rest of your c wedding planning. I can't guarantee that they'll regret their decision but their attitudes will change when they realise that you're not paying them any attention anymore.

Good question. I think because I couldnt have imagined them not being part of the wedding party. I'd want to be part of theirs. Jesus I sound so pathetic. But it's just what I pictured when I got engaged, and I love them.

XxMCRxBabyxX

caimitator wrote: »

Was his sister mean to him or you? It's so weird, everyone can see how they're bullying and yet I'm STILL seeing myself as the problem. It's like this: There must be a reason why they choose to act like this, and that reason must be something to do with me. Something I've done, a personality trait, something. Because you don't bully people you love.

Don't EVER let anyone make you feel like this, especially family. You don't deserve it and people like that don't deserve to be in your life.

I don't have sisters so maybe that's why I see it differently but I do have brothers. This magical idea of happy families where everyone is best friends is a myth though I do understand how you feel. I'm very close to one of my brothers but the other one can be very distant and difficult. It used to hugely upset me and I've had to teach myself that we're not going to be close or have the great relationship that I wish we had.

XxMCRxBabyxX

caimitator wrote: »

Good question. I think because I couldnt have imagined them not being part of the wedding party. I'd want to be part of theirs. Jesus I sound so pathetic. But it's just what I pictured when I got engaged, and I love them.

You're not pathetic but I do think that you have to let go of this "perfect" idea. Your sisters have made it clear that they're not going to give you that.

What's more important: Your sisters as bridesmaids or your happiness?

caimitator

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

Don't EVER let anyone make you feel like this, especially family. You don't deserve it and people like that don't deserve to be in your life.

I don't have sisters so maybe that's why I see it differently but I do have brothers. This magical idea of happy families where everyone is best friends is a myth though I do understand how you feel. I'm very close to one of my brothers but the other one can be very distant and difficult. It used to hugely upset me and I've had to teach myself that we're not going to be close or have the great relationship that I wish we had.

But what if I'm the distant and difficult one?? You know when two siblings are close and one isn't, it's easy to think that the one who is not close has done something wrong.

caimitator

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

You're not pathetic but I do think that you have to let go of this "perfect" idea. Your sisters have made it clear that they're not going to give you that.

What's more important: Your sisters as bridesmaids or your happiness?

Well my future relationship with my sisters is more important than my present happiness.

whoopsadoodles

caimitator wrote: »

Well my future relationship with my sisters is more important than my present happiness.

Do you think they have the same priorities?

XxMCRxBabyxX

caimitator wrote: »

But what if I'm the distant and difficult one?? You know when two siblings are close and one isn't, it's easy to think that the one who is not close has done something wrong.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel like that. My brother is completely different to you so please don't take that from what I said. My other brother gets on great with that brother. All I meant was that we can't all have the perfect relationships that we want to have

Don't let them get into your head. They're acting like children and you know that. Not one person here had defended them and that should tell you something. You're better off not being close to them if that's the type of people they are.

GingerLily

caimitator wrote: »

I just don't understand why it's middle children!! My SO thinks if they don't come to the wedding and people ask where they are and we say "oh it's their birthday", it'll put some blame on them, because people will be shocked. Whereas at the moment, the plan to just show up and be miserable puts the blame on us.

No, no one will blame you if your sisters make a show if themselves. There's nothing more unattractive then a grown women (or man) throwing a strop, everyone will see straight through them.

Keep your dignity and leave them to sulk!

XxMCRxBabyxX

caimitator wrote: »

Well my future relationship with my sisters is more important than my present happiness.

If this issue was with two friends instead of sisters would you say the same thing?

Ghekko

Your future relationship with your sisters is already doomed because of THEM. When Dh's sister started acting like a sociopath he cut ties straight away. No loss to us as a family. No loss to our kids, one doesn't even know she exists! You don't need to force a relationship just because you are related. Your parents should not even be entertaining the idea of changing the date, let alone you! As I said your sisters are out and out bullies and that is their personality - NOTHING to do with you. Seems like you got all the kindness traits in the family. Please stop pandering to them. They are thriving on your misery and you need to stop allowing it. Stop giving them any sense of control. Do not have them as bridesmaids - what type of bridesmaids would book a holiday only coming home a couple of days before the wedding??? You said they don't want to do it so let them go. You begging them to do it will allow them to have some misguided sense of being better than you. They don't deserve that.

I honestly think counselling would do you the world of good to help you realise that you are not the problem here - they are. Ganging up on you like a couple of childish brats - I'd be ashamed if they were my daughters.

caimitator

Ghekko wrote: »

what type of bridesmaids would book a holiday only coming home a couple of days before the wedding???

This annoyed me when my parents told me. This is a bitchy move.

yesto24

caimitator wrote: »

Was his sister mean to him or you? It's so weird, everyone can see how they're bullying and yet I'm STILL seeing myself as the problem. It's like this: There must be a reason why they choose to act like this, and that reason must be something to do with me. Something I've done, a personality trait, something. Because you don't bully people you love.

Maybe they don't love you. And that is their problem not yours.
Look you have been told, almost with 100% agreement, what to do.
I have read your last few replies and you are coming across as weak and needy.
If I was your future husband I would be having second thoughts about you. He didn't ask a weak girl who second guesses herself to marry him and yet that is what he is getting.
You do not realise how lucky you are to have him. He has stood up and told your parents where he and you stand. He has not backed down because your parents might be offended or insulted.
Now you have a few options:
1. Change your date. Worst thing you could do.
2. Stick with everything as they are now. Your sisters if they show up will ruin your day.
3. Change your bridesmaids but invite your sisters to the wedding. They will probably not go to make a scene but not your problem. And they will definitely not invite you to their wedding. Be prepared for that.

Whatever you do stop chasing a relationship with them. Why do you even want a relationship with people like this? Horrible people.

mcgiggles

caimitator wrote:

Good question. I think because I couldnt have imagined them not being part of the wedding party. I'd want to be part of theirs. Jesus I sound so pathetic. But it's just what I pictured when I got engaged, and I love them.

I think you need to take a step back from the wedding for a few days. You sound like your head needs a break love. Even take a day and go for a long spin or just do something completely unrelated just yourself and your SO! Honestly you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out other people and their motives for how they act.
Being a middle child I get where you're coming from about pleasing people. (I've accepted long ago you can't please everyone! People can be assh*les, for no other reason than them actually being assh*les!)
You want them there with you, but not being harsh but they don't sound like they want to be there with you OR for you. Are you sure you really want that atmosphere on your day? If they manage to drag themselves away from their own self importance to stand there with you they will most likely have faces like slapped a*ses. Any time you look back on wedding photos its them you will focus on not yourself and your SO!
It doesn't matter who is standing beside you except your SO, this day is about marrying the love of your life. The rest is just window dressing!
None of us can tell you what to do, that, ultimately has to be your decision.. but we can give our opinions and I'm afraid to tell you but all of "team boards" is on your side, and that has to tell you something!! :-)

wyrn

Dear OP, what an awful situation. Your sisters have managed to make your engagement about them. You need to do three things;

• Stop apologising - you have nothing to apologise for and by continuing to apologise you validate your sisters in their minds.
• Sort out bridal party - you need to decide if you want your sisters as bridesmaids. Honestly I think you should drop them. They are unsupportive and I think they'll just sulk and moan. I think you should take up your sister's offer of stepping down. Accept it in a text message "Dear sister, after some thought on your suggestion of standing down as a bridesmaid, I agree with you. Thanks" - this means that your sister can't refute this story later down the line and the wording reinforces that it was her idea and not yours.
  
  I would then say to the other sister, in text message, that your other sister offered to stand down and that you've accepted her offer. I'd ask her what she wants to do. This means she will realise that you are serious and she will have to put up or shut up. Also this strategy will hopefully divide and conquer them. It's also the most fair way to sort them out.
• Boundary conditions - yourself and your fiance need to sit down and write out your boundary conditions, what you are willing to be flexible and rigid on and what are the consequences of those boundary conditions being flouted. For example if one sister decides to remain a bridesmaid, will you have any consequences if she doesn't preform any bridesmaid duties or gives you the cold shoulder. If they wish to remain bridesmaids, they will need rules and that they can't walk all over you.

From what I can gather, your two sisters are quite close but not as close to you. I think perhaps, subconsciously you wanted them being your bridesmaids as a way to bring you closer to them. I think you might need to decide to stop pushing for that close relationship. Judging by the way they are treating you, they are more concerned about themselves than about you and your fiance. I can't believe that they've never visited you once in your home in all these years. That's really selfish behaviour.

You also need to stop JADEing - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Your family knows why you chose that date. It wasn't intentional and it wasn't to annoy your sisters. No amount of justifying, arguing, defending or explaining will help. They'll just twist your words. You've already been far more accommodating than most people would be by cancelling the rehearsal dinner and allowing their friends to come to the 2nd day while footing the bill and not a word of thanks!

Honestly if I were you, I'd have the wedding you want otherwise you might grow to resent your sisters. Stand up for yourself, your husband to be and your relationship. Your sisters will never be happy, so you need to do what will make you guys happy. You are paying for it after all. Personally I'd put back on the rehearsal dinner and I'd uninvite your sisters friends from the 2nd day.

Good luck OP! Just remember, it's them that have the problem, not you!

benjydagg

caimitator wrote: »

Sorry to resurrect this thread. I'm hoping to get some advice...again.

As the wedding planning has progressed, my sisters have not been involved at all. I bring up an idea and they don't respond or have an input. The odd time when I ask for an opinion, they reply with one word. I had it out with my younger sister (26) today and the crux of the issue is still the birthdays - see above.

My younger sister's birthday will be the day before the wedding. My older sister's birthday is the day of the wedding. Today my younger sister said,

"You never once thought of how your wedding date would also monopolise my birthday with rehearsal dinner and prep etc. You asked for advice about how [older sister] would be about having her Birthday the day of the wedding. You never asked me what I thought of the date once. I think you’re well aware I don’t agree with the date you chose and you quite clearly ignored my opinion entirely"

What should I do?

IF you and your other half are getting married for love, then feck everyone else. At this stage I would suggest you get married in Rome, with 4 present.
Can I be so rude as to ask who is paying for the wedding?

mirrorwall14

caimitator wrote: »

Well my future relationship with my sisters is more important than my present happiness.

Honestly this is not healthy. I strongly recommend seeing a counsellor. You need to stop putting such store in external people. You cannot make them love you or want the same relationship you dream about having with them. They clearly do not care about you in the way you seem to for them. From what you have posted in this thread you just keep rolling over and giving them everything they want in the hope for this fictional relationship you dream of. It hasn’t worked in the past and it isn’t working now. You need to park it and move on in your life with your fiancé. I feel you could use some counselling or aCBT to work on your self esteem to be honest.

LynnGrace

caimitator wrote: »

Well my future relationship with my sisters is more important than my present happiness.

OP you really need to think hard about that statement.

From what you have posted, you have tried everything to please them. You probably have an image in your head of how things should be. I know it's hard to accept, but that picture is not reality, and never will be. I'm actually surprised too that your parents think it's acceptable to the point of asking if you have asked the venue for alternative dates. It sounds like they too feel this nonsense should be indulged.

What they are doing is unbelievable. You can't change them, but you can change how you react to them.

Someone already suggested upthread - take a break from it. Physically, mentally give yourself a break from it. I know it's a cliche but at the moment you can't see the wood for the trees.

I would also second counselling to help you get past this.
All the best and put yourself and your own ( and that of your husband to be) happiness ahead for once.

scarepanda

Ah, op, please look at what you've wrote in this thread, please?

Your relationship with your sisters is not, now or ever, more important than your happiness.

Tbh op, your starting to remind me of my mam and her relationship with her sisters. She too seeks their approval and inclusion. She has spent as long as I can remember pandering to their wants so that they will talk to her, so that they will have some sort of relationship. Despite all the ****e that they have put her through she forgives and forgets without so much as an apology.

My Mam is a woman in her 60s who's afraid of her life that her sisters will cut her out. And they will do it for no other reason than they feel like it, because they perceive some slight against them. She lives in daily fear that they will have a go at her for god knows what. One of them stopped talking to my mam for a few months because a cousin of theirs invited mam to their wedding and not her.... Mams family have a long standing tradition of inviting one cousin from each family, usually the eldest. Mam is the eldest so she usually gets the invite. Does that seem fair to you?

Look op, you don't want to turn into a pathetic 60 year old woman afraid to loose a toxic relationship just because they are your sisters. And trust me, you will damage other important, otherwise healthy relationships because of your need to have your sisters in your life. And that's not what you want to do.

qwerty13

I'm probably going to get slated for this, but I think both you and your sisters have behaved inconsiderately.

I'm not interested in birthdays, but if they as big a deal as you say in your family, re making the person feel special, then you should not have booking your wedding to coincide with both of your sisters birthdays, as it will never just be their 'special' day alone any more - it will be their special day plus your anniversary. Forever. Not saying I agree with that outlook, but you did say that birthdays are a big deal in your family re making the person feel special.

One sister told you that some of the things you've raised with her re your wedding should be between you and you husband to be. I very much agree with this. It is really tiresome having to listen to someone getting married discuss the minor details of photos / cake etc, when no one will notice or care. And this is something that you and your husband to be should decide. If it's important enough for you to go on about it, it's important enough for him to decide with you. Not everyone is very interested in weddings, or cares about the trivia of wedding planning.

It sounds like you've been going OTT re your wedding, and didn't give much thought to how your sisters might be fed up listening to wedding trivia, and want the family 'big deal' about birthdays to continue.

Having said, they're dealing with this incredibly badly. And rudely. But I have to ask, did you listen when you were told that you should talk to your husband to be re wedding trivia? Did they say before you booked the venue that they wanted the family tradition of birthdays to continue? It seems like you got a bit carried away re your wedding, and didn't listen to them, and now can't understand why they're not over the moon - when they told you at the start that they weren't happy.

Toots

caimitator wrote: »

Well my future relationship with my sisters is more important than my present happiness.

What about your husband's happiness? Do you think he wants them involved in the wedding party now? Do you think it's fair on either of you if the entire run up to the wedding is filled with you being upset and stressed because of your sisters?

Honestly, the fact that you even made this statement makes me think your self esteem isn't in a good place at the minute. Someone else further up suggested counselling and TBH I think having a chat with someone impartial is a good idea - they might help you put things into perspective. It sounds to me like your two sisters are completely toxic individuals, and you need to learn that their behaviour is nothing to do with anything you do - it's just the way they are.

At this stage, if it were me, I'd be un-bridesmaiding the pair of them, and telling the one who booked her holiday to stay an extra few days. I wouldn't want them at the wedding after the way they've been behaving because I couldn't trust that they wouldn't try to do something on the day to sabotage things or make a scene.

B0jangles

To be honest, it seems that your relationship with your sisters has become extremely toxic, if not downright emotionally abusive. I remember reading somewhere that a lot of the time people take us at our own valuation and by your own description, you spend an awful lot of time and energy trying to get some level of approval from your sisters, some level of appreciation no matter how poorly they treat you - by doing so, you're telling them that you are of so little value that you'll end up blaming yourself for whatever they do.

In my experience behaving like that doesn't get you affection, it gets you contempt. That is a very hard word to use and I apologise if it's not appropriate for your situation, but at some level - whether it be conscious or unconscious, this behaviour is testing just how much you will pander to their whims. Every time you give in and apologise to them for their behaviour you're just setting yourself up to be treated even worse in future.

Edit to add that the post in which you describe the sit-down discussion with your parents is pretty revealing - everyone in your family seems to default to thinking that the key thing in this situation is your sisters' being kept happy - that's not fair and it's not right.

Toots

B0jangles wrote: »

To be honest, it seems that your relationship with your sisters has become extremely toxic, if not downright emotionally abusive. I remember reading somewhere that a lot of the time people take us at our own valuation and by your own description, you spend an awful lot of time and energy trying to get some level of approval from your sisters, some level of appreciation no matter how poorly they treat you - by doing so, you're telling them that you are of so little value that you'll end up blaming yourself for whatever they do.

In my experience behaving like that doesn't get you affection, it gets you contempt. That is a very hard word to use and I apologise if it's not appropriate for your situation, but at some level - whether it be conscious or unconscious, this behaviour is testing just how much you will pander to their whims. Every time you give in and apologise to them for their behaviour you're just setting yourself up to be treated even worse in future.

Edit to add that the post in which you describe the sit-down discussion with your parents is pretty revealing - everyone in your family seems to default to thinking that the key thing in this situation is your sisters' being kept happy - that's not fair and it's not right.

If I could thank this post 100 times I would.

Bacchus

qwerty13 wrote: »

One sister told you that some of the things you've raised with her re your wedding should be between you and you husband to be. I very much agree with this. It is really tiresome having to listen to someone getting married discuss the minor details of photos / cake etc, when no one will notice or care. And this is something that you and your husband to be should decide. If it's important enough for you to go on about it, it's important enough for him to decide with you. Not everyone is very interested in weddings, or cares about the trivia of wedding planning.

Yes, it must be a real burden for her SISTER and BRIDESMAID to have to sit through conversations about cake and photos!

While your other point about how the OPs family values birthdays may have some grain of logic to it (hard to know really with only OPs perspective), that nugget there is just plain making excuses for bad behaviour.

qwerty13 wrote: »

It sounds like you've been going OTT re your wedding, and didn't give much thought to how your sisters might be fed up listening to wedding trivia, and want the family 'big deal' about birthdays to continue.

It does sound like the relationship is toxic and the OP comes across a bit needy with her sisters (which probably feeds into the toxic relationship). However, I don't see the OP being OTT here. She hasn't done anything wrong (in anyone's eye here in this thread) and a good friend (let alone a sister) would not be causing such hassle to the OP if they cared at all. We're talking about a 27th and 32nd birthday here. Who gives a f*ck?!

qwerty13 wrote: »

Having said, they're dealing with this incredibly badly. And rudely. But I have to ask, did you listen when you were told that you should talk to your husband to be re wedding trivia? Did they say before you booked the venue that they wanted the family tradition of birthdays to continue? It seems like you got a bit carried away re your wedding, and didn't listen to them, and now can't understand why they're not over the moon - when they told you at the start that they weren't happy.

What is the tradition here that you mention?

their birthdays last month, my younger sister celebrated hers 10 days after the fact and my older sister went to Galway and didn't celebrate hers at home. So it's not like every year they have parties on those exact days.

Even the "going abroad" thing one of her sisters did for a few years doesn't carry as they didn't do that this year (so it's clearly not a dearly held tradition).

Akrasia

Did anyone hear Sean Moncrieff's show on Newstalk today

I only caught him reading out texts about it, but it seems like he was talking about this thread.


Here's the link
http://www.newstalk.com/podcasts/Moncrieff/Highlights_from_Moncrieff/205544/So_You_Think_Youre_an_AdultJealous_Sisters_Of__Bride

Ghekko

General consensus being that the sisters are spoilt brats!

allym

I also just heard the texts afterwards.

Was it you that text it OP or has it been taken from here?

SpillingTheTea

Delphinium wrote: »

I almost pity her fiance putting up with her and the family. Wouldn't be surprised if he headed for the hills.

Not really sure why you think this is helpful tbh.

Toots

Delphinium wrote: »

I almost pity her fiance putting up with her and the family. Wouldn't be surprised if he headed for the hills.

Mod: There's no need for comments like this.

It's easy for us to tell her to cut her sisters out, because they aren't our families, but anyone who's had to cut out a toxic family member before knows it can be very difficult. She obviously loves them, despite their horribleness.

Ghekko

Toots wrote: »

Mod: There's no need for comments like this.

It's easy for us to tell her to cut her sisters out, because they aren't our families, but anyone who's had to cut out a toxic family member before knows it can be very difficult. She obviously loves them, despite their horribleness.

OP while it can be difficult it can also be extremely liberating in the long run not having to put up with any more crap from a family member. While you may not have to cut them off altogether you can certainly start to stand up to them. You have your fiancés support and he's the one you are making a happy life with. I listened to the podcast and even while the panel didn't have all the details that we have here, they did agree that your sisters are being ridiculous and acting like children.

Tigger

Delphinium wrote: »

Yes, this was discussed on Sean Moncrieff's show How many times does the OP need to be told to get on with her life and forget them. Panel and listeners all echoed the advice given here. Caimitator seems to need constant reassurance and cannot make a decision.

I almost pity her fiance putting up with her and the family. Wouldn't be surprised if he headed for the hills.

Counselling may help to acquire a back bone but if she continues through life looking for approval from her family or anyone else, she is setting herself up for misery. Those sisters are not worth the fuss and should be left out of all wedding talk and arrangements.

this is a bad post
the constitution says attack the post not the poster
so id say this is a bad post and let others realise what inthinknofit sauthor