The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

M.T. Cranium

Putin has announced incentives for the Russian football team at the World Cup.

If they get out of the first round, each player will get 50,000 rubles.

If they get out of the second round, each player will get 100,000 rubles.

If they get any further than that, the referees will get 250,000 rubles.

byrner88

We were sitting in an empty train carriage late at night when I said to my wife, "Come on love, get them out."

She took her top off and slowly eased her tits out of her bra.

"The tickets," I said. "The inspector's standing behind you."

everlast75

"Love me do", one of my favourite songs about being pleased with a haircut

Paddy Cow

What do you call three men in a shower?

Wet Wet Wet

Capt'n Midnight

/* Halley */

- Halley's comment.

MikeyTaylor

Paddy Cow wrote: »

What do you call three men in a shower?

Wet Wet Wet

Lols are all around.

.red.

A man walks into his doctors waiting room and approaches the receptionist.
She asks him what's wrong with him and he says he's got a problem with his dick.
She is appalled by this and says he shouldn't say things that could be embarrassing for the other patients. He replies that she shouldn't ask him questions like that if she's not a doctor and in a room full of patients.
The man walks out and comes back in a few minutes later and again approaches the receptionist.
She asks what his issue is and he replies that he's got a problem with his ear. She smiles and asks what's wrong with it and he says
"I can't piss out of it"

Ipso

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm Tom Jones.
Doctor: It's not unusual.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a bar of soap.
Doctor: That's lifebuoy.

jimgoose

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

/* Halley */

- Halley's comment.

Oh Jaysis... :D:D

milltown

Patient: Doctor, every morning I wake up thinking I'm Mickey Mouse. Then in the evenings I feel like I'm Donald Duck.

Doctor: I see. And how long have you been having these Disney spells?

Capt'n Midnight

When I die I’d like the word Humble to be written, on all of my statues.

blueser

Ipso wrote: »

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm Tom Jones.
Doctor: It's not unusual.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a bar of soap.
Doctor: That's lifebuoy.

Cork doctor, I presume?

evolving_doors

Hotel Guest: What time is breakfast?
Front desk: Breakfast is any time sir.
Hotel Guest: Ok , gimme French toast during the Renaissance period then.

twirlagig

What do you call a judge with no balls?
.
.
.
.


Justice Mickey...

M.T. Cranium

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

/* Halley */

- Halley's comment.

After a night drinking, people were able to see Halley's vomit. :pac:

Will I Am Not

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

"Why are we living in Dublin and still wearing all this sh*te?

Will I Am Not

My grandfather told me that he saw The Titanic, and that from the beginning he warned all the people that the boat would sink, but they ignored him. However they were warned again on several occasions, until they kicked him out of the cinema.

M.T. Cranium

In the jungle, two animals had a relationship that all the other animals said would never last.

"He's always lion, and she's a cheetah," is what they said.

---

Suckit

What lives at the bottom of the Ocean and throws things slowly in a high arc?

A Lobster

Buford T. Justice XIX

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband walks in.
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to the fri-
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

byrner88

My mates called me a tight arse, So I decided to buy them a beer to prove I'm not.

Turns out they wanted one each.

Temptamperu

Doctor: Your brain has deleted all traces of 80's music.
Patient: oh my doctor! whats the cure?
Doctor: Oh my God. It is worse than I thought!

Ken.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my frickin' daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Capt'n Midnight

I can't see why female linesman and referees could be any worse than the idiots we have now.

I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men.

Hagar7

blueser wrote: »

An Arab sheikh was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, his doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him:"I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".

Bunkum,and here’s the proof.
https://www.thirdsector.co.uk/scots-charitable-rest-uk-research-finds/fundraising/article/1446719

Buford T. Justice XIX

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

Will I Am Not

Husband: I think I’m having a heart attack.

Wife: Ok darling, give me your password to your phone and I’ll call an ambulance.

Husband: Never mind. I’m feeling better!!

TheBody

My friend was hit by a drum kit the other day. The doctor says he has percussion.

Ted_YNWA

TheBody wrote:

My friend was hit by a drum kit the other day. The doctor says he has percussion.

Is it a case of bad dumtish?

Will I Am Not

Took the shell off my racing snail this weekend.
Thought it might speed him up....
If anything, it made him more sluggish.