The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

NickNickleby

Will I Am Not wrote: »

Chris Eubank has just written a book about ethics. If it’s successful, he will consider writing one about Yorkshire.

Oh God!!

I've scanned this one three times, and only copped it now!

hahahaha, naughty! Its a good one, will you tell him if you meet him????:pac:

Hagar7

natashaob6 wrote: »

What can be served but not eaten?

A tennis ball.

Little Jhonny came home from school and he's mam asked him what did he learn in class. Jhonny said we learned how to make explosives and did you enjoy it? Yes he replied then his man asked what are you going to be learning in school tomorrow? Jhonny replies what school.

.....and his mam not man said “once they rebuild the school ask them to learn you how to spell your name as Johnny.”

Hagar7

Hagar7 wrote: »

.....and his mam not man said “once they rebuild the school ask them to learn you how to spell your name as Johnny.”

Probably a Jihad Jhonny. :P

Capt'n Midnight

Harry Redknapp gets a letter delivered to his house..

Opens it,it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Tottenham Hotspurs Football Club..

He rings the club, "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but i haven't worked for you for years".



"No Harry sorry, but there’s no mistake...... You were the last person in the trophy room in 2008, and you left the lights on".

munster87

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Harry Redknapp gets a letter delivered to his house..

Opens it,it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Tottenham Hotspurs Football Club..

He rings the club, "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but i haven't worked for you for years".



"No Harry sorry, but there’s no mistake...... You were the last person in the trophy room in 2008, and you left the lights on".

Deserves to pay it as he never even won a trophy at Spurs!

robarmstrong

My father was never proud of me.

One day he asked me, "How old are you?"

I said, "I'm five."

He said, "Bollocks, when I was your age I was six."

GBX

I went back to a girls house last night, we went upstairs and slowly and passionately stripped each other's clothes off and climbed under the quilt together!

" you'll have to be really quiet " she whispered " my mom and dad are asleep " !!!

" I can see that , have you not got your own fücking bed "

Capt'n Midnight

Get involved in a huge game of 'hide & seek' by becoming a member of staff at B&Q.

branie2

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far out, man!

New Home

An elderly lady writes on her will that she wants to be buried at sea. Her solicitor, quite puzzled, asks her why, and she says, "Because my daughter in law promised to dance on my grave!".

youtube!

How is it that so many Chinese people in London choose to reside in Harrow?

Well because when they get off the plane and find a Taxi the first thing they say to the driver is "Harrow Taxi driver " !

Capt'n Midnight

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. ........ Sprayed it all over myself.


I still can't fly.

New Home

Why did you do that for? Was something bugging you? :pac:

byrner88

The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye, "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely,"

"**** off Doc," I replied, "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in you tight ****."

Try_harder

munster87 wrote: »

Deserves to pay it as he never even won a trophy at Spurs!

And he cant read!

MikeyTaylor

Teacher: Ronan, can you tell me where the Andes are?
Ronan: At the end of your wristies?

youtube!

Man goes to docs,

"Doctor can you help me, I have extremely bad premature ejaculation, the slightest thought of sex sets me off "

Doctor to man " That's a c**t ,

Man "aaaahhhhhh..."

M.T. Cranium

This is the 13th consecutive time England has won the World Cup in May.

Amazing record.

MikeyTaylor

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

This is the 13th consecutive time England has won the World Cup in May.

Amazing record.

Ross O'Carroll Kelly will be devastated.

Hormoney1980

A little proud of this...

What do you call a fly without wings?
An ambulance.

conorhal

Lately my nephew has become interested in the mysteries of the universe.

Yesterday he asked me, 'uncle Conor, how do stars die?'


I told him, 'a drugs overdose usually.'

I don't believe in lying to kids.

Bob Harris

Apparently Meghan Markle’s father will not attend the Royal Wedding.

That's ok though, neither will Harry's.

patmac

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!', people just cheered!!

M.T. Cranium

Putin just scored five goals in a hockey game. He would have had six, but the other team came out from the dressing room.

M.T. Cranium

Kim Jung Un was trying to impress the visiting American military delegation.

"This is where we keep our nuclear missiles," he said proudly pointing at a large building across a field that looked like it might be full of land mines. "Jump in the bus, we will go on to see the submarine base."

About two minutes later the missile base blew up in a huge mushroom cloud.

"This is where we keep our GPS activators," said one of the Americans, pointing to his wrist watch.

byrner88

I visited my wife at the hospital.

"My God, you look terrible," I said.

"**** off, " she replied, "And I've told you before not to bother me while I'm at work."

M.T. Cranium

I saw a burning building, and I called Superman. He was out on a seminar. Then I called Batman. He was clubbing with Robin. Then I called Spiderman. He wanted double overtime.

I guess it was just a case of superheroes inaction.

Capt'n Midnight

“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?”

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson. Sedimentary”

byrner88

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my ****ing eye out.

M.T. Cranium

In some alternate universes, this is what Neil Armstrong said to the planet earth when he first set foot on the Moon:

"Damn, I stubbed my toe."

"One big step for man, one small leap for mankind, oh sh*t."

"Wonder where I could take a whizz?"

"I'm scared, Buzz."

"Buzz? You're supposed to wait for me."