The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

M.T. Cranium

Thank this post if you have no idea what the second last post was all about.

I don't want to feel like it's just me.

cavu

What did the farmer say when he lost his sheep?

Where's my sheep?

Nodster

How does a Dublin farmer round up his sheep?




"C'mere ewe's"

RiderOnTheStorm

To find the best acid magic mushrooms check out Trip Advisor.

(this joke has been brought to you courtesy of last nights Mock The Week)

blade1

RiderOnTheStorm wrote: »

To find the best acid magic mushrooms check out Trip Advisor.

(this joke has been brought to you courtesy of last nights Mock The Week)

Or,if you were watching it on Dave,it was courtesy of Mock the Week 2010 :pac:

evolving_doors

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Thank this post if you have no idea what the second last post was all about.

I don't want to feel like it's just me.

Thank this post if you think M.T. Cranium just took offense because the joke was about his ma.

StereoSound

Why couldn't the sailors play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck.

Whats the best thing that came out of cork? The road to Dublin.... Courtesy of Dustin the Turkey.

chewed

What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones!

blueser

Nodster wrote: »

How does a Dublin farmer round up his sheep?




"C'mere ewe's"

Would the farmer be called Anto, by any chance?

RiderOnTheStorm

I like my whiskey like I like my women.....21 years old and in pairs.

TheBody

I got trapped in a bidding war for a house because my wife loved the lengthy corridor.

Now I’m in it for the long hall.

byrner88

Gardai have confirmed a man has been arrested in Kerry after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.

He is due to be bailed tomorrow.

Capt'n Midnight

If a pig loses its voice does it become disgruntled?

Capt'n Midnight

I just got diagnosed with the big C



Dyslexia

chewed

What's the difference between hard and light?


You can sleep with a light on

New Home

"Hello Mr. Meldrew, I'm Cassandra."
"I don't belieeeeve it!"

cavu

What do the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?


Icy dead people

byrner88

If there's a sock on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with the other one.

DEFTLEFTHAND

What do you call two Mexican firemen?

Jose and hose B.

blade1

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

What do you call two Mexican firemen?

Jose and hose B.

What do you call a Mexican leaving Hospital?
Manuel.

What do you call a Mexican that has had his vehicle stolen?
Carlos.

What do Mexicans use under their carpets?
Under Underlay Underlay.

patmac

Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"

She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"

... Forgot to take my phone off Aeroplane mode.

branie2

I used to want to be a banker when I grew up. But I kept losing interest.

Buford T. Justice XIX

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor,
“Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.”
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says,
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly,
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

Capt'n Midnight

I set my phone to airplane mode and threw it up in the air.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Capt'n Midnight

I wanted to be a banker when I grew up. But my parents were married.

Capt'n Midnight

The bermuda triangle used to be known as the bermuda rectangle, until one of the sides mysteriously vanished.

jaykay74

Whats a Hindu?
.
.
.
Lay eggs

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Patient says to doctor I have trouble sleeping can you help? Doctor gives the patient some sleeping tablets. Patient asks how many do I take and the doctor replies one every two hours.

Husband says to wife you have become a great kisser since you went on a diet. The wife says It's not that I'm a great kisser I'm looking for food particles between your teeth.

A man turned up with only a pencil and drawing paper for a duel. He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

My girlfriend told me I'm useless at fixing electrical appliances. She's in for a shock.

Try_harder

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My posh friend has a butler with only one arm. Serves him right.

A mother who injected her eight year old daughter with botox has lost custody. Her daughter didn't look surprised.