The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

New Medical Dictionary.

Artery: The study of paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What you do when patients die.
Benign: What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan: Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Fibula: A small lie.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Morbid: A higher offer.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: I knew it.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Nearly killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour: One plus one more.
Urine: Opposite of you're out!!..

7 Seconds...

An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.

When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the man, “Wow, you have an amazing relationship with your wife, all those lovely names you call her…”

The man looks at him, “To be honest, it has become a necessity. I actually forgot her name about 3 years ago.”

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

What gender pronouns should you use for chocolate?

Her./She

GBX

My poor budgie broke his leg the other day so i made him a splint out of a couple of matches. His face lit up when he tried to walk.

chewed

I've just found an origami porn channel.

But it's paper view only.

jimgoose

Two women are sitting in a restaurant when a duck walks in from the kitchen and places a dozen red roses on the table. He says "You ladies are incredibly beautiful with sparkling eyes!" One of the women called the waiter over and says, "This isn't right - we ordered AROMATIC duck!!"

Capt'n Midnight

Irish Alzheimer's -you forget everything except the grudges.

M.T. Cranium

Canadian joke ... Two residents of my home town were discussing the new cultural centre.

"They say it will be next to the liquor store."

"Well that's dumb eh? This town don't need two cultural centres."

=======================================

Classic rock hits that a person with poor hearing believed she had enjoyed back in the day ...

"and we're mining the fairways of Devon"

"take an auk on the white side"

"Why am I gay? I'm asking you, why am I gay?"

"Don't you want my baby?"

"Hey Jews, don't make me mad"

Capt'n Midnight

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Canadian joke ...

I went to a fight, and an Ice Hockey match broke out.

Capt'n Midnight

This morning I made my hamster an extra strong espresso coffee and crushed some caffeine pills up in his food ...


I'd hate for him to fall asleep at the wheel.

Donald Trump

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

What gender pronouns should you use for chocolate?

Her./She

Hershey's isn't chocolate. It's dried elephant shite

Chev_Chelios

A man is in a terrible car accident where he lost his left arm and left leg.


He's allright now.

K.Flyer

Chev_Chelios wrote: »

A man is in a terrible car accident where he lost his left arm and left leg.


He's allright now.

I heard he lost his left testicle as well, and has been a right b@llocks ever since...

Bob Harris

K.Flyer wrote: »

I heard he lost his left testicle as well, and has been a right b@llocks ever since...

I heard he lost his two balls and his mickey. He was like a cunt over it.

byrner88

Just had a good night out down the pub so I jumped in a taxi and said "take me to where I can get my cock sucked for a tenner mate"
Bit gutted when he took me to my house

coolhull

I was sitting on the toilet of a train when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said "Can I see your ticket please"?

I said "Not right now. I'm having a sh*t here."

He said, "I don't believe you. Can you pass it under the door so I can check it?"

"Yep, no problem," I replied, sliding it under the door. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn and those reddish ones are carrots."

K.Flyer

What's the name of the chap who goes around breaking up fights?
Liam Malone.

frag420

Not funny, thats my Uncle new aunt you lot are joking about, leave Aunty Eileen alone!

Chev_Chelios wrote: »

A man is in a terrible car accident where he lost his left arm and left leg.


He's allright now.

K.Flyer wrote: »

I heard he lost his left testicle as well, and has been a right b@llocks ever since...

Bob Harris wrote: »

I heard he lost his two balls and his mickey. He was like a cunt over it.

patmac

During the war my grandfather hid behind the wallpaper in his house. He didn’t see any action but was decorated 3 times.

MikeyTaylor

Who is Bob the Builder's cat's favourite band?

Rackhouse Pilchard.

Bob Harris

frag420 wrote: »

Not funny, thats my Uncle new aunt you lot are joking about, leave Aunty Eileen alone!

Does Aunty Eileen have one leg shorter than the other?

frag420

Bob Harris wrote: »

Does Aunty Eileen have one leg shorter than the other?

No he/she lost their leg...

Buford T. Justice XIX

Bob Harris wrote: »

Does Aunty Eileen have one leg shorter than the other?

Auntie Noeleen has both legs the same length.

bonzodog2

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

Auntie Noeleen has both legs the same length.

Aunty Elaine lives in a gap between 2 houses

James Bond Junior

Aunty Annette Curtin is see through.

Capt'n Midnight

Catheleen not only has one leg shorter than the other, she also has a kitten on her shoulder.

Suckit

Bob Harris wrote: »

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

Auntie Noeleen has both legs the same length.

Does Aunty Eileen have one leg shorter than the other?

My Japanese Aunts have similar problems. Irene has one leg, and Noreen has not.

Capt'n Midnight

WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone and won’t run properly, so I’ve downloaded something called “The Bugs Bunny” to fix it...






It’s a WhatsApp Doc...

Had a power cut tonight and discovered that I had a wife and kids as they were all deprived of their personal connection to the internet and we had to talk to each other.

Stigura

A priest is playing golf and he's having a rough patch. Until he gets to hole 5. When he hears a voice saying use the 7 iron. He looks down and sees a frog. The frog says use the 7 iron.

The priest thinks fuсk it... uses the 7 iron and gets a hole in one. He picks up the frog and listens to its instructions and plays the best game of his life. He says to the frog that he'll never be able to repay the frog.

The frog says I'm even better at blackjack let's go to Vegas and I'll show you. The priest thinks fuсk it we'll see what happens. Goes to Vegas and sure enough listens to the frog and wins every single time.

He becomes a billionaire. He books a penthouse and plans to go to bed. He places the frog in the sink in the bathroom. He hasn't even got any bed clothes because he traveled on a whim and went straight to the casino. So he gets into bed naked.

The frog says it's lonely in here can I come into the room? The priest thinks he made me rich so yeah why not. He puts the frog on the bedside table.

It's still lonely can I sleep on the bed? Asks the frog. Ok bit weird but made him rich so puts the frog on the pillow.

Frog says; can I get a kiss goodnight? The priest is a bit freaked out but the frog made him rich so he kisses the frog and in a flash of smoke the frog turns into a cute 12 year old boy.




And that's the gods honest truth officer!