The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet.
After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

blueser

Rumours are that the English team had employed the services of Stan Collymore as a psychological counsellor in the run up to yesterday's game. The guy has first hand experience on how to beat Swedes.

:eek:

byrner88

I can always tell if they use fake dinosaurs in films.

Capt'n Midnight

What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?


A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily....

byrner88

A soldier is rushed to Hospital with a horrific bayonet wound,

Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.

Try_harder

Today my yoga instructor was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position

Ted_YNWA

I used to have a fear of chestnut trees, but I conquered it.

Suckit

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

I used to have a fear of chestnut trees, but I conquered it.

I have developed a severe phobia of Elevators.
I am taking steps to avoid them.

M.T. Cranium

That must give you a bit of a lift.

M.T. Cranium

I had a rather bad night, I took a beautiful woman to a restaurant, and later on, I took her to her house.

Those were the only two jobs Uber could find for me.

thesandeman

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

That must give you a bit of a lift.

Think positive.
The only way is up.

coldfire1x

Things that didn’t exist the last time England reached the semi-finals before 2018:

iPhone
Facebook
Google
Amazon
Android
Twitter
Instagram
iPod
Yahoo
YouTube
Snapchat
Spotify
Tesla
Skype
Uber
Airbnb
Bitcoin
Fitbit
Emojis
iPad

and









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Croatia!!!

New Home

Tesla was already dead by then.

GBX

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said "Im gonna do that when I the lotto"

"What's that ??" Says his mate.

"Send my lawn away to be cut"

Buford T. Justice XIX

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy,
"I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: "Paddy, go home. You've gone mad."
So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.
"Where do you think you're going?" asks the foreman.
"Well, I can't work in the friggin dark!" said Murphy.

New Home

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?

Milk and quackers

Ted_YNWA

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

Buford T. Justice XIX

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed please find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat and water and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat and certainly no water, and
#3 - it was much too large for my comfort.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat and water, my apartment has plenty if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

Capt'n Midnight

Two policemen were horrified to find a number of the England football team playing football with a hedgehog yesterday.


They were just about to phone the RSPCA when they realised the hedgehog was beating them four nil.

the_pen_turner

Very sad news to hear that the creator of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat!

Capt'n Midnight

^^^^

A ship carring red paint and another carring blue paint collided in the South Pacific last night.





The survivors were marooned.

New Home

(Red and green, maybe? :pac:)

Capt'n Midnight

New Home wrote: »

(Red and green, maybe? :pac:)

https://i.chzbgr.com/full/8967986176/h11B48B1D/

https://i.imgur.com/A9DhKg2.png

byrner88

A photographer died today when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone in the wedding party had tried to warn him.

Try_harder

My parents always used to sit and listen to Cliff Richard when I was younger.

Instead of actually coming in my room and stopping him.

byrner88

I just got the sack from my new office job.

I'm going to take them up for unfair dismissal.

The sign read - Toilet Out Of Order, Use Floor Below.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Two elephants walking down the road spot a naked man. One elephant said to the other I wonder how does he manage to feed himself with that yoke.

An elephant walks up to a camel and asks why do you have Two breasts on your back? The camel replies if I had a face like yours I'd shut up.

TheBody

I nearly lost my job as a roofer. On the first day, I was caught masturbatinng. Fortunately, the boss said I can wipe the slate clean.

evolving_doors

In your mouth and your teeth, constantly stared at you, the measuring vessel of your lord. What is it?

Beer.

I thunk that was a situation joke. But it was good enough to be carved in stone!



Another one you say!

He gouged out the eye. It is not the fate of a dead man. He cut the throat: A dead man. Who is it?

A governor.

And finally. When After Hours was written on a stone tablet .

...of your mother is by the one who has intercourse with her. What/who is it?
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[No answer]

There was an error 504
Typical!

Taken from here
https://www.google.ie/amp/s/io9.gizmodo.com/5880232/the-worlds-oldest-yo-mama-joke-is-3500-years-old/amp

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Jokes fail the test of time :pac: