The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Fallout2022 · 17-02-2022 12:08am

Storm Dudley's on the way!

I'm not sure we can take any moore...

Capt'n Midnight · 17-02-2022 12:25am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644144#Comment_118644144

Bí ciúnas, Eunice.

Gant21 · 17-02-2022 12:26am

Post

Fallout2022 · 17-02-2022 4:05pm

I just seen a man putting liquorice sweets into a parking meter.

It takes allsorts, I suppose

Fallout2022 · 17-02-2022 10:07pm

There is a group of shoplifters going round systematically stealing clothes by size, police believe they are still at large...

Heighway61 · 17-02-2022 10:27pm

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum.

Fallout2022 · 18-02-2022 12:19pm

Bland salad is a problem that needs addressing...

everlast75 · 18-02-2022 12:23pm

Couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper so tried pulling it over my head but it got stuck.

Now sitting in A&E waiting to see a cardyologist...

everlast75 · 18-02-2022 12:23pm

'I was going to give up being a streaker on health grounds, but then the doctor convinced me to stick it out for another year...'

FraserburghFreddie · 18-02-2022 4:35pm

With all this wind I'm worried about the caravan in our garden!

We didn't have one yesterday.

Fallout2022 · 18-02-2022 7:56pm

Just seen a man with no arms cycle past me. Don't know his names but his face rings a bell.

Capt'n Midnight · 18-02-2022 8:50pm

Doctor: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!

Patient: But my birthday's not till next month

Doctor: Which brings me to the bad news

Capt'n Midnight · 18-02-2022 8:55pm

THE JOHNSON DEFENCE: Although my client was wearing a balaclava and brought his own shotgun, he was unaware that he was attending a bank robbery.

Capt'n Midnight · 18-02-2022 8:55pm

Much of Scotland and Wales is without power.. Now .......over to the weather news!

hawley · 18-02-2022 8:56pm

Did you ever see a pig's cheek with two eyes?

You'd see it with your own two eyes.

Capt'n Midnight · 18-02-2022 9:02pm

A man is on a train running down the carriage. "Is there a priest on this train, It's an emergency". "Is there an Anglican vicar, anybody"? "Is there a Rabbi on board, please it's an emergency".

"Excuse me i'm an Iman".

"Oh you're no good ...

... we need a corkscrew".

Heighway61 · 19-02-2022 9:12pm

I went on a date with someone who also spoke Zulu.

We clicked right away.

New Home · 19-02-2022 10:22pm

fryup · 19-02-2022 10:33pm

for the week that's in it....

During the Winter Olympics ice skating competition the final skater raced on to the ice and slipped over on his bum. He recovered and then fell again, and again, and again like Bambi on ice.

Up went the marks of the judges.

Great Britain 0.0

Germany 0.0

France 0.0

Ireland 6.0

'Why the score high score?' asked the stunned officials.

'Well,' said the Irish Judge, 'You've got to make allowances. I mean it was fierce slippy out there' 😋

TheRiverman · 19-02-2022 10:38pm

Just reading about the time condoms were first imported into Ireland, they were taxed at the point of entry.

Capt'n Midnight · 19-02-2022 10:56pm

The cops have just left. They said that if I want to walk around the house naked, I have to do it inside.

everlast75 · 20-02-2022 1:44am

"Like a virgin" has just been translated into the national language of the Netherlands. Dutch for the very first time...

hawley · 20-02-2022 3:27pm

What stands on one leg and has its' heart in its' head?

A head of cabbage.

23-02-2022 12:06am

In a Dublin Nursing home an old priest lay dying.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?", said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Leo Varadkar and Micheál Martin before I die" whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Leinster House and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived;

Leo and Micheál would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Leo commented to Micheál

"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images".

Micheál agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Leos hand in his right hand and then Micheáls hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ". "Amen", said Leo. "Amen", said Micheál.

The old priest continued,

"Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards, and I would like to do the same !!!.

Capt'n Midnight · 23-02-2022 12:32am

A new book claims that Jesus had a wife and two kids. In other words, he suffered even more than we thought...

Gant21 · 23-02-2022 12:33am

This is a joke.

Capt'n Midnight · 23-02-2022 12:34am

Two birds in a field.

First bird: "Russia bad. Russia doing invasion."

Second bird: "Ukraine?"

First bird: "No. Me seagull." .

Capt'n Midnight · 23-02-2022 12:41am

No one seems to trust the motives of Vladimir Putin, but if you ask me his great uncle Ras was a bigger menace.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-02-2022 4:02am

I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.

It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-02-2022 4:03am

I was chatting up an amoeba in the pub. She must have been keen as I had her undivided attention.

Heighway61 · 26-02-2022 2:08am

I sent my hearing aid in for repair three weeks ago.

I haven't heard anything since.

FraserburghFreddie · 26-02-2022 12:07pm

Congratulations to

Hugh Zappritti Boyden,on his new role as chairman of the Irish budgerigar association.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:08pm

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:10pm

Thought I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre today.

Although I'm not entirely sure it was him - he had his back to the fuscia.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:10pm

Just got back from a charity football match for stroke victims. Never seen such a one sided match.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:12pm

What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?

Russell.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:13pm

What do you call a woman balancing a pint of ale on her head?

Beatrix

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:13pm

What do you call a Chinese man with a fence on his head?

Ray Ling.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:15pm

Burglars have broken into Everton FC's new trophy room and stolen the entire contents.

Police are looking for a man with a blue carpet.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:16pm

What do you call a guy with bacon on his head?

Ham'ed.

What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head?

Mo' ham'ed

What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head standing between two buildings?

Mo' ham'ed alley!

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:17pm

What colour socks do bears wear?

- They don't wear socks, because they have bear feet

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:23pm

What's the difference between a carpenter & a joiner?

A joiner works with wood, a carpenter paints cars

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:47pm

My girlfriend left me when she discovered my Pasta fetish,

So i'm feeling Cannelloni now.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:48pm

She asked me if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:53pm

Why was Yoda afraid of 7 ? Because 6 7 8.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 6:58pm

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward

What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?

Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?

I don't know,

but Edward Woodward would.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 7:07pm

Genie: What is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

blade1 · 26-02-2022 7:20pm

What's the first rule of Rick Astley's Fight Club?

You know the rules and so do I

(Sing in a Rick Astley voice for best effect)

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 7:25pm

Hear about the one legged girl who got a job in a brewery?

She was put in charge of the hops.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-02-2022 7:28pm

I had a job working for the Samaritans once. I tried to call in sick but they talked me out of it.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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