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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 274 ✭✭Fallout2022


    Storm Dudley's on the way!

    I'm not sure we can take any moore...



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,261 ✭✭✭Gant21


    Post



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 274 ✭✭Fallout2022


    I just seen a man putting liquorice sweets into a parking meter. 

    It takes allsorts, I suppose



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 274 ✭✭Fallout2022


    There is a group of shoplifters going round systematically stealing clothes by size, police believe they are still at large...



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,972 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

    They are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 274 ✭✭Fallout2022


    Bland salad is a problem that needs addressing...



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,118 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper so tried pulling it over my head but it got stuck.


    Now sitting in A&E waiting to see a cardyologist...



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,118 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    'I was going to give up being a streaker on health grounds, but then the doctor convinced me to stick it out for another year...'



  • Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭FraserburghFreddie


    With all this wind I'm worried about the caravan in our garden!

    We didn't have one yesterday.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 274 ✭✭Fallout2022


    Just seen a man with no arms cycle past me. Don't know his names but his face rings a bell.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Doctor: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!

    Patient: But my birthday's not till next month

    Doctor: Which brings me to the bad news



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    THE JOHNSON DEFENCE: Although my client was wearing a balaclava and brought his own shotgun, he was unaware that he was attending a bank robbery.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Much of Scotland and Wales is without power.. Now .......over to the weather news!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,270 ✭✭✭hawley


    Did you ever see a pig's cheek with two eyes?

    You'd see it with your own two eyes.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A man is on a train running down the carriage. "Is there a priest on this train, It's an emergency". "Is there an Anglican vicar, anybody"? "Is there a Rabbi on board, please it's an emergency".

    "Excuse me i'm an Iman".

    "Oh you're no good ...


    ... we need a corkscrew".



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,972 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    I went on a date with someone who also spoke Zulu.

    We clicked right away.



  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,067 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    for the week that's in it....

    During the Winter Olympics ice skating competition the final skater raced on to the ice and slipped over on his bum. He recovered and then fell again, and again, and again like Bambi on ice.

    Up went the marks of the judges.

    Great Britain 0.0

    Germany 0.0

    France 0.0

    Ireland 6.0

    'Why the score high score?' asked the stunned officials.

    'Well,' said the Irish Judge, 'You've got to make allowances. I mean it was fierce slippy out there' 😋



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,230 ✭✭✭TheRiverman


    Just reading about the time condoms were first imported into Ireland, they were taxed at the point of entry.



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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The cops have just left. They said that if I want to walk around the house naked, I have to do it inside.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,118 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    "Like a virgin" has just been translated into the national language of the Netherlands. Dutch for the very first time...



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,270 ✭✭✭hawley


    What stands on one leg and has its' heart in its' head?


    A head of cabbage.



  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    In a Dublin Nursing home an old priest lay dying.

    For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

    He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?", said the nurse.

    "I would really like to see Leo Varadkar and Micheál Martin before I die" whispered the priest.

    "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

    The nurse sent the request to Leinster House and waited for a response.

    Soon the word arrived;

    Leo and Micheál would be delighted to visit the priest.

    As they went to the hospital, Leo commented to Micheál

    "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images".

    Micheál agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.

    When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Leos hand in his right hand and then Micheáls hand in his left.

    There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

    The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ". "Amen", said Leo. "Amen", said Micheál.

    The old priest continued,

    "Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards, and I would like to do the same !!!.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A new book claims that Jesus had a wife and two kids. In other words, he suffered even more than we thought...



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,261 ✭✭✭Gant21


    This is a joke.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Two birds in a field.

    First bird: "Russia bad. Russia doing invasion."

    Second bird: "Ukraine?"

    First bird: "No. Me seagull." .



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    No one seems to trust the motives of Vladimir Putin, but if you ask me his great uncle Ras was a bigger menace.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.

    It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.



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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I was chatting up an amoeba in the pub. She must have been keen as I had her undivided attention.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,972 ✭✭✭Heighway61


    I sent my hearing aid in for repair three weeks ago.

    I haven't heard anything since.



  • Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭FraserburghFreddie


    Congratulations to

    Hugh Zappritti Boyden,on his new role as chairman of the Irish budgerigar association.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Thought I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre today.

    Although I'm not entirely sure it was him - he had his back to the fuscia.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Just got back from a charity football match for stroke victims. Never seen such a one sided match.



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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?


    Russell.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a woman balancing a pint of ale on her head?


    Beatrix



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a Chinese man with a fence on his head?


    Ray Ling.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Burglars have broken into Everton FC's new trophy room and stolen the entire contents.


    Police are looking for a man with a blue carpet.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a guy with bacon on his head?

    Ham'ed.

    What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head?

    Mo' ham'ed

    What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head standing between two buildings?

    Mo' ham'ed alley!



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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What colour socks do bears wear?


    - They don't wear socks, because they have bear feet



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What's the difference between a carpenter & a joiner?


    A joiner works with wood, a carpenter paints cars



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My girlfriend left me when she discovered my Pasta fetish,


    So i'm feeling Cannelloni now.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    She asked me if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

    So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why was Yoda afraid of 7 ? Because 6 7 8.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?


    Edward


    What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?


    Edward Woodward


    What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?


    I don't know,




    but Edward Woodward would.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Genie: What is your first wish?

    Joe: I want to be rich.

    Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?

    Rich: I want lots of money.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,462 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    What's the first rule of Rick Astley's Fight Club?

    You know the rules and so do I

    (Sing in a Rick Astley voice for best effect)



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Hear about the one legged girl who got a job in a brewery?


    She was put in charge of the hops.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I had a job working for the Samaritans once. I tried to call in sick but they talked me out of it.



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