Online dating

Mister Vain

Yeah it can take a while for attraction to grow, which is probably why a lot of first dates don't go too well. Many people talk about the "spark" being absent.

Mister Vain

Mister Vain wrote: »

Yeah it can take a while for attraction to grow, which is probably why a lot of first dates don't go too well. Many people talk about the "spark" being absent.

I dated a guy a few months ago who went from 100 to 0 in the space of weeks. His reason being that I no longer gave him butterflies.

Beware the ones who fill your head and heart in the very early stages.

Mikkl

oh yeh, I dated one of those. Exactly like you say, it started at 100 and worked back down to zero. I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would when he ended it. I thought 'how fickle'.

Mikkl

Mikkl wrote: »

oh yeh, I dated one of those. Exactly like you say, it started at 100 and worked back down to zero. I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would when he ended it. I thought 'how fickle'.

I admit that I was pretty upset afterwards. But I think it was because of how he handled the whole thing. Giving me such hope, then blowing hot and cold, inconsistent words and actions. It was terribly confusing.

We were very different people. I still like staying out all night and being spontaneous and drinking more than is good for me, I don't want to sit in every weekend.

But yeah "how fickle"

Hagar7

Mister Vain wrote: »

So my date went very well yesterday. It turns out she is only in the country a few months so I took her out to see some sights. The weather was terrible but it didn't dampen our spirits. We're meeting again next weekend. Unfortunately she lives a fair distance from me but I think she's worth it.

Good for you,remember,love knows no distance.

Dial Hard

Deleted User wrote: »

I dated a guy a few months ago who went from 100 to 0 in the space of weeks. His reason being that I no longer gave him butterflies.

Beware the ones who fill your head and heart in the very early stages.

Without exception in my experience of online dating, the ones who are coming on super strong in the first week or two are always the ones who will disappear by week 5.

I call them "Magnesium Flares" because they burn dangerously hot and incredibly fast, and fade really quickly.

wakka12

Mikkl wrote: »

D3V, do I understand that you didn't fancy her immediately but a physical and romantic attraction grew? see, that happens to me after getting to know a man better but I didn't think it happened to men. I thought they just put women in a yay or nay column within three seconds.

I think generally that is the case but obviously not all men do this

Shint0

Mikkl wrote: »

MaudGonner (great screen name by the way, yours that is, not whopper) I give you ''legoverlad69"
that guy messaged me to ask me if I would like to go camping in roundwood this weekend (why roundwood I@m not sure) but when I said no thank you, but congratulations on having the sleaziest screen name I've encountered so far, he replied ''your [sic] like the rest of the boring prudes on here''.

i hope he's found love too. There's a lid for every pot.

Camping in Roundwood? Nothing wrong with camping and nothing wrong with Roundwood but on a first date? That just conjured up blood-curdling sensations of a few twisted individuals who have had associations with that area. Dodged a bullet there I think.

Dial Hard

Dial Hard wrote: »

Without exception in my experience of online dating, the ones who are coming on super strong in the first week or two are always the ones who will disappear by week 5.

I call them "Magnesium Flares" because they burn dangerously hot and incredibly fast, and fade really quickly.

Yep. I did have a few little niggly feelings like that alright but I ignored them because I liked him and thought "maybe this could be it". The whole thing hurt like hell.

wakka12

wakka12 wrote: »

I think generally that is the case but obviously not all men do this

Lots and lots of men don't do it

Mister Vain

Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for a long term relationship. I'm not afraid of commitment as such, well not with one person anyway. It's the commitment to the other persons family and friends I'm afraid of. Going to a girls parents house for cups of tea is my idea of hell. Or being asked to go to a wedding that I really don't want to attend but she wants me there. Or picking her drunk friend up from the pub.

I know you have to compromise when in a relationship but it can be exhausting. The last girl I was with, it felt like we had very little alone time as her family and friends seemed to be everywhere we turned. At her house, in the pub, in work, in the shop. I felt a bit suffocated. Maybe I'm just not very good with large groups of people or something, but I found it to be the most taxing part of the relationship.

Mister Vain

Mister Vain wrote: »

Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for a long term relationship. I'm not afraid of commitment as such, well not with one person anyway. It's the commitment to the other persons family and friends I'm afraid of. Going to a girls parents house for cups of tea is my idea of hell. Or being asked to go to a wedding that I really don't want to attend but she wants me there. Or picking her drunk friend up from the pub.

I know you have to compromise when in a relationship but it can be exhausting. The last girl I was with, it felt like we had very little alone time as her family and friends seemed to be everywhere we turned. At her house, in the pub, in work, in the shop. I felt a bit suffocated. Maybe I'm just not very good with large groups of people or something, but I found it to be the most taxing part of the relationship.

I don't like any of that heavy family involvement. It would suffocate me too.

A commited relationship doesn't have to be that way. Plenty of women won't be interested in the pair of you hanging out with family and going to weddings and all that kind of thing.

Promise

Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't like any of that heavy family involvement. It would suffocate me too.

A commited relationship doesn't have to be that way. Plenty of women won't be interested in the pair of you hanging out with family and going to weddings and all that kind of thing.

Promise

Well the girl I'm seeing now is living with her sister and doesn't have any other family in the country so I should be ok. As long as she doesn't drag me to Poland for weddings.

riclad

Go for a coffee on a first date,
if its bad leave after 20 minutes,
going camping on a first date ,sounds weird.
That person sounds odd ,
he may as well have Ijustwantsex as his user name.
The point of dating sites is you can get info on the person before you go out with them.
Maybe go camping when you are in a relationship with someone.
lets go to a rural area ,where theres no else around ,
It sounds dangerous to me.
First dates should be in a public place, cafe, pub etc

Mister Vain

Mister Vain wrote: »

Well the girl I'm seeing now is living with her sister and doesn't have any other family in the country so I should be ok. As long as she doesn't drag me to Poland for weddings.

Well there you go. I wouldn't worry about any family weddings just yet

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Mister Vain wrote: »

Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for a long term relationship. I'm not afraid of commitment as such, well not with one person anyway. It's the commitment to the other persons family and friends I'm afraid of. Going to a girls parents house for cups of tea is my idea of hell. Or being asked to go to a wedding that I really don't want to attend but she wants me there. Or picking her drunk friend up from the pub.

I know you have to compromise when in a relationship but it can be exhausting. The last girl I was with, it felt like we had very little alone time as her family and friends seemed to be everywhere we turned. At her house, in the pub, in work, in the shop. I felt a bit suffocated. Maybe I'm just not very good with large groups of people or something, but I found it to be the most taxing part of the relationship.

Or you could hit really lucky and the girls family could be absolutely boss.
When myself and my oh fall out or I need a break from him before the urge to suffocate him gets too much, I go stay with his mam and dad. His mam is one of my closest friends, and i remember only two years ago, being afraid to meet them again as we'd broken up and been apart for a while and I was worried they'd hate me.

Don't worry about HAVING to spend time with her family. You might find yourself wanting to. And even if you don't, who cares? You're dating her not her family.

Mister Vain

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Or you could hit really lucky and the girls family could be absolutely boss.
When myself and my oh fall out or I need a break from him before the urge to suffocate him gets too much, I go stay with his mam and dad. His mam is one of my closest friends, and i remember only two years ago, being afraid to meet them again as we'd broken up and been apart for a while and I was worried they'd hate me.

Don't worry about HAVING to spend time with her family. You might find yourself wanting to. And even if you don't, who cares? You're dating her not her family.

Exactly, but it felt like I was dating her family. Now don't get me wrong, they were lovely people, but as I said, it can get a bit suffocating after a while. It's a bit like that Ad on telly with the guy trying to have a quite evening with his girlfriend and his pet pig and loads of family members keep popping in and disturbing them. Just feck off and leave us alone.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Oh man i really want to gate crash his house too to mind the pig.

metaoblivia

Deleted User wrote: »

Tom, Lexie posted pretty much what I wanted to say. You're a great guy who willmake the right woman very happy, if you just open yourself a little.
I've picked up on your fear regarding getting attached. You've often posted similar.

Attachment is the foundation of all relationships. Unfortunately for many people their attachment style isn't secure. This can manifest itself in being needy, clingy, fearful. Others have a avoidant stye. It works a little like "well I'm not going to allow myself to connect with this person because that will only lead to hurt and pain". But by protecting themselves in such a way they are really missing out on the great that having close friends and intimate relationships bring.

It is very useful to know where you fall in terms of attachment because it comes in to all of our relationships. Have a read of John Bowlby. He explains the importance of secure attachment, how it comes about and why it falls apart.

Attachment isn't weakness, it's an intrinsic part of being human.

I read a book about adult relationships based off of John Bowlby's attachment theories and it was so enlightening. I'd highly recommend it for anyone, especially those in the dating pool. I haven't read many dating books to be honest, so I can't really compare it, but I found it insightful and it changed my perspective a bit. Since reading it, I've briefly dated two guys who were at first very interested in me. Both first dates ended really well and they followed up with flirty texts suggesting second dates. But when it came time to arrange that second date, there was suddenly a reason why it just wouldn't work out. I was able to recognize that behavior and say, "Oh, this isn't really about me," instead of being left to wonder what I had done wrong.

(And I've since had other dates with men too who weren't like this, for the record!)

Mikkl

If I meet somebody, I'd prefer not to introduce them to my family. I would be blasé about meeting theirs though. But I can't imagine a man would be begging to meet my parents so it'll be fine. My cousins all bring along their wives and husbands to family events and this doesn't seem to make them feel anxious, but having been institutionally single for so long, I would I feel that I was shocking people too much if I partnered up. This will sound odd, but if they were too happy for me I'd be really annoyed as that would imply pity for me during the time in which I was fine. I've only recently felt I want to be with somebody. Aunts and uncles and cousins heads would swivel and stare and the creature who wanted to be with me and it would all be so horrendously awkward. Torture in fact. NOPE, can't do it. Id be relaxed about meeting somebody else's family. All their opinions, the unvoiced ones, the eyebrows, the trying to say something nice comments....

Mikkl

Metaoblivia, when mr fickle dumped me, I found the myers briggs profiles very helpful for not taking it personally.
It even says something about needing a hard hat to date an entj, and that if they determine that a relationship is not going to work out long term they will cut their losses in a what will seem like a really abrupt end to their partner.

That book sounds really helpful. What was it called? (if you remember)

metaoblivia

Mikkl wrote: »

Metaoblivia, when mr fickle dumped me, I found the myers briggs profiles very helpful for not taking it personally.
It even says something about needing a hard hat to date an entj, and that if they determine that a relationship is not going to work out long term they will cut their losses in a what will seem like a really abrupt end to their partner.

That book sounds really helpful. What was it called? (if you remember)

Its called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment

Mister Vain

Mikkl wrote: »

having been institutionally single for so long, I would I feel that I was shocking people too much if I partnered up. Aunts and uncles and cousins heads would swivel and stare

God yes I know the feeling. I've never brought a girl home to meet the parents before, so the thoughts of doing it now scares the bejasus out of me. I think my folks would keel over with the shock. :pac:

metaoblivia

metaoblivia wrote: »

Its called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment

Who are the writers Meta?

metaoblivia

Deleted User wrote: »

Who are the writers Meta?

Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Who are the writers Meta?

I forgot Google exists

It's written by a psychiatrist/neuroscientist and a psychology. I might check it out.

Mikkl

Found it on amazon, it gets good reviews. I think I'll buy it. I've waded through some right crap thinking it would help me and that really does look good. I think I was covering up being anxious in my relationship with mr fickle. He was covering up being avoidant, with future-faking that sounded hollow......... and made me anxious.

BumblebeeGirl

Mister Vain wrote: »

Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for a long term relationship. I'm not afraid of commitment as such, well not with one person anyway. It's the commitment to the other persons family and friends I'm afraid of. Going to a girls parents house for cups of tea is my idea of hell. Or being asked to go to a wedding that I really don't want to attend but she wants me there. Or picking her drunk friend up from the pub.

I know you have to compromise when in a relationship but it can be exhausting. The last girl I was with, it felt like we had very little alone time as her family and friends seemed to be everywhere we turned. At her house, in the pub, in work, in the shop. I felt a bit suffocated. Maybe I'm just not very good with large groups of people or something, but I found it to be the most taxing part of the relationship.

I actually just finished with someone recently partly because of this. We only saw each other once or twice a week, so every time we did hang out, his parents would arrive and spent the entire night with us. He used to go silent around them which was exhausting for me. I felt I had to make conversation/pretty much entertain them for the night.

Ugh. It was too much. Being single is better.

Mikkl

Bought it.

metaoblivia

I hope you find it insightful Mikkl!