Viral Facebook video speaking out about domestic violence (Read mod note in the OP)

Mardy Bum · 07-07-2015 9:16pm

RDM_83 again wrote: »

I don't really get the motivation for this (at the present time) apart from a completely understandable desire for revenge.
.

Up until 1990 marital rape was legal in Ireland and up until 1995 divorce was not an option. You can imagine the amount of suffering people went through prior to these changes.

1 in 5 women in Ireland who have been in a relationship have been abused by a current or former partner. (O,Connor, M, & Kelleher Associates, Making the Links, Women's Aid, 1995).
In 2013, there were 17,855 incidents of domestic violence disclosed to the Women's Aid National Freephone Helpline. There were 11,756 incidents of emotional abuse, 3,711 incidents of physical abuse and 1,813 incidents of financial abuse disclosed. In the same year, 575 incidents of sexual abuse were disclosed to Helpline support workers including 201 rapes. The Women's Aid National Helpline responded to 11,724 calls in 2012. (Women's Aid Annual Report 2013)

Take a minute and let them stats sink in.

I think it is clear to everyone what the woman was trying to do. She was raising awareness. This is a very taboo topic and something like this blows it out of the water and if it means one person in an abusive relationship has the courage to leave its a good thing.

NachoBusiness · 07-07-2015 9:21pm

Mardy Bum wrote: »

This is a very taboo topic and something like this blows it out of the water...

Taboo topic? Maybe in the 70s or even the 80s it was, but domestic violence against women is far from a taboo topic in this day and age.

Sure men can't get on public transport these days without some poster reminding them not to beat women when they get home, as apparently that is our default setting.

RDM_83 again · 07-07-2015 9:24pm

Mardy Bum wrote: »

Up until 1990 marital rape was legal in Ireland and up until 1995 divorce was not an option. You can imagine the amount of suffering people went through prior to these changes.

1 in 5 women in Ireland who have been in a relationship have been abused by a current or former partner. (O,Connor, M, & Kelleher Associates, Making the Links, Women's Aid, 1995).
In 2013, there were 17,855 incidents of domestic violence disclosed to the Women's Aid National Freephone Helpline. There were 11,756 incidents of emotional abuse, 3,711 incidents of physical abuse and 1,813 incidents of financial abuse disclosed. In the same year, 575 incidents of sexual abuse were disclosed to Helpline support workers including 201 rapes. The Women's Aid National Helpline responded to 11,724 calls in 2012. (Women's Aid Annual Report 2013)

Take a minute and let them stats sink in.

I think it is clear to everyone what the woman was trying to do. She was raising awareness. This is a very taboo topic and something like this blows it out of the water and if it means one person in an abusive relationship has the courage to leave its a good thing.

Raising awareness is good but why is she doing it on his pages and before any official proceedings (thats why I said at present I understand why she's doing it but not why now).
Her message would be much stronger if she could say Mr X who was convicted for assault and who has a barring order.

Mardy Bum · 07-07-2015 9:25pm

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Taboo topic? Maybe in the 70s or even the 80s it was, but domestic violence against women is far from a taboo topic in this day and age.

Sure men can't get on public transport these days without some poster reminding them not to beat women when they get home, as apparently that is our default setting.

Look at the statistics I listed above. Domestic abuse is not talked about because if it was those helplines wouldn't be overrun with calls.

DA can happens to either person in the relationship. You seem to be imagining things.

LincolnsBeard · 07-07-2015 9:29pm

Women you should stop dating woman beaters.

When I was in school I remember how many seemingly normal girls would date scumbags. That still survives into adulthood. A lot of normal ladies tend to go for scumbags.

This is always the inevitable outcome. If you play with fire you will get burned.

No sympathy from me.

jimdublin15 · 07-07-2015 9:36pm

Mardy Bum wrote: »

Look at the statistics I listed above. Domestic abuse is not talked about because if it was those helplines wouldn't be overrun with calls.

DA can happens to either person in the relationship. You seem to be imagining things.

It's true and I agree domestic violence is very much an issue in our society.

Think about this number:
The most recent figures from the National Crime Council, the office for the prevention of domestic violence, show that 6% of men suffer from “severe” domestic abuse (compared to 15% of women). When “minor” incidents are included, that figure grows to over a quarter, at 26% (compared to 29% of women). http://www.breakingnews.ie/sponsored/amen8217s-support-kept-me-alive-says-man-who-escaped-domestic-violence-166.html

So in essence rounding down were talking about roughly 1 in 4 !

1 in 4 of us men or women are experiencing some level of domestic abuse, that's absolutely madness. Just think about 4 people you know and chances are at least 1 is suffering, that's a level we can simply not ignore.

hardCopy · 07-07-2015 9:37pm

I think it's pretty disturbing that someone can just post such a destructive allegation to Facebook without facing any sanction.

If the gardai aren't taking a complaint seriously, go to the ombudsman. This guy's career has just been destroyed without any burden of proof on his accuser. That's not how our justice system is supposed to work.

People shouldn't assume he's an abuser just because you've seen others get away with it in the past.

NachoBusiness · 07-07-2015 9:43pm

Mardy Bum wrote: »

Look at the statistics I listed above. Domestic abuse is not talked about..

You're making the mistake of thinking that because something is common (male on female domestic violence) that this must mean it's taboo, but it is far from taboo to talk about male on female domestic violence. In fact, I would say it became quite fashionable at one point. A soap wasn't worth it's salt for a long while unless it had a wife beater storyline: Trevor Jordache battering his wife in Brookside, Trevor Morgan battering Little Mo in Eastenders, and I'm going back a bit now.

..if it was talked about those helplines wouldn't be overrun with calls.

Talking about something doesn't necessarily make it go away, as you appear to be suggesting it would, and the fact that so many people are phoning those telephone lines to discuss it, as you point out, just shows that it is far from a taboo topic. If it was taboo, then the phone lines would be quiet.

Not sure how much you know about the stats with regards to female on male domestic violence, but they are almost on a par with male on female. Show the phone lines hoping off the wall with men phoning to discuss as again you point out is the case with with women who unfortunately experience it. You won't be able to though because that is a topic which is genuinely taboo and which people don't particularly want to discuss.

Harsher sentences is what is needed to curtail domestic violence. If talking was the answer, and awareness.. it would no longer be an issue.

4friggA · 07-07-2015 9:45pm

LincolnsBeard wrote: »

Women you should stop dating woman beaters.

When I was in school I remember how many seemingly normal girls would date scumbags. That still survives into adulthood. A lot of normal ladies tend to go for scumbags.

This is always the inevitable outcome. If you play with fire you will get burned.

No sympathy from me.

Are you for real? She dated a "scumbag" so deserves to be boxed around? How about he try not to be a "scumbag"?

4friggA · 07-07-2015 9:47pm

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Taboo topic? Maybe in the 70s or even the 80s it was, but domestic violence against women is far from a taboo topic in this day and age.

Sure men can't get on public transport these days without some poster reminding them not to beat women when they get home, as apparently that is our default setting.

If you are unhappy with that approach to raising awareness, what approach do you suggest should be taken?

Mardy Bum · 07-07-2015 9:49pm

NachoBusiness wrote: »

You're making the mistake of thinking that because something is common (male on female domestic violence) that this must mean it's taboo, but it is far from taboo to talk about male on female domestic violence. In fa.

The helpline wouldn't be overrun with calls. It's taboo among people in reality. It may be dramatised crudely in soaps but that doesn't mean people are finding it easier to open up to those closest to them about it. Why call a stranger otherwise.

Streetwalker · 07-07-2015 9:53pm

Delighted for him. You do that to a woman and you deserve the worst. Hope it ruins his life.

the_syco · 07-07-2015 9:54pm

So if the law doesn't work, she'll get random vigilantes to get revenge?

No-one deserves to get hit, but if you want a trial, get a trial; allow the other person to defend themselves.

As for "daddy not being around", the kids will know, as she will tell them, as kids shouldn't be hidden from the truth, or they may grow up resenting their mother for keeping their father away.

Mightydrumming wrote: »

If I was wrongly accused of such allegations, my first order of business would be to come out and tell my side of the story.

Maybe. Your legal advice would be to close down any point of contact so that everyone won't be sharing your Facebook/Twitter/webpage address. Also, so that you can talk to people with a clear head in a few days after the immediate furor calms down.

Mightydrumming wrote: »

As it has been mentioned multiple times in this thread now, the Gardaí have classed the case as minor.

I have only listened to the video from the daily mail, and she didn't mention in it that this was seen as a minor case by the Gardai. Does she say it in the podcast?

jimdublin15 wrote: »

I listed to the interview this morning. In the end she said she throw the phone at him in the gym, so in return/reaction she coped a smack in the eye

If the blogger had provoked him, got a smack, and then posted a youtube video about it, I would be suspicious.

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Adrian: "Did you ever hit him?"

Emma: "At times, yeah, pushing and eh yeah we would be, pushing each other and eh heavy, heavy with each other, yeah... but I never slapped him across the face, never punched him the face, nothing like that".

It seems that she thinks general violence was okay, but just not to the face? I find this attitude odd, as violence is violence.

Mardy Bum wrote: »

Look at the statistics I listed above. Domestic abuse is not talked about because if it was those helplines wouldn't be overrun with calls.

DA is talked about, but those ringing the helplines would often do so as they feel no-one else would care, and do not know of a way out. Just talking to the anonymous helplines is often seen as a big step for those receiving DA, nevermind talking to someone that they know.

Mardy Bum wrote: »

Why call a stranger otherwise.

A stranger doesn't judge. Nothing worse than "I told you so" from a mate that you confide in.

=-=

I'm sure we won't hear more of this for another week or so. It'll be interesting if the throwing of the mobile phone was caught on CCTV.

LincolnsBeard · 07-07-2015 9:54pm

4friggA wrote: »

Are you for real? She dated a "scumbag" so deserves to be boxed around? How about he try not to be a "scumbag"?

Where did I say she deserves to be boxed around?

I said it's the inevitable outcome when you start relationships with scumbags.

zeffabelli · 07-07-2015 9:55pm

And here we have the victim who turns abuser.

We don't know the full story nor do we know these people. We know nothing and yet she has gathered up the storms of a lynch mob.

Tombi! · 07-07-2015 9:56pm

Mod: Right, let's drop the whole "don't be dating scumbags/women date scumbags blah blah blah". Most people don't choose to date an abuser. And no, this isn't up for discussion.

Cold War Kid · 07-07-2015 9:56pm

4friggA wrote: »

Are you for real? She dated a "scumbag" so deserves to be boxed around? How about he try not to be a "scumbag"?

Not to mention the fact that plenty of those who are abusive in relationships start off seemingly wonderful, and reel their victim in.
"No sympathy from me" - the edgy phrase of the thread.

NachoBusiness · 07-07-2015 9:58pm

4friggA wrote: »

If you are unhappy with that approach to raising awareness, what approach do you suggest should be taken?

I said at the end of my last post:

Harsher sentences is the only way to stop any form of violence, especially repeat offenders. People get longer sentences in this country for not paying fines than they do for violent crimes. It's really not something that will go away because some asshole sees a poster saying it's a bad thing to do.

zeffabelli · 07-07-2015 10:00pm

Mardy Bum wrote: »

Up until 1990 marital rape was legal in Ireland and up until 1995 divorce was not an option. You can imagine the amount of suffering people went through prior to these changes.

1 in 5 women in Ireland who have been in a relationship have been abused by a current or former partner. (O,Connor, M, & Kelleher Associates, Making the Links, Women's Aid, 1995).
In 2013, there were 17,855 incidents of domestic violence disclosed to the Women's Aid National Freephone Helpline. There were 11,756 incidents of emotional abuse, 3,711 incidents of physical abuse and 1,813 incidents of financial abuse disclosed. In the same year, 575 incidents of sexual abuse were disclosed to Helpline support workers including 201 rapes. The Women's Aid National Helpline responded to 11,724 calls in 2012. (Women's Aid Annual Report 2013)

Take a minute and let them stats sink in.

I think it is clear to everyone what the woman was trying to do. She was raising awareness. This is a very taboo topic and something like this blows it out of the water and if it means one person in an abusive relationship has the courage to leave its a good thing.

Here is the reality of how this works.

Women call up womens aid with their side of the story.

Men call up Amen with their side of the story.

Both organisations have agendas for funding and awareness.

Neither organisation is interested in the more complicated and more common facts of bi directional domestic abuse. They take their one sided sides of the stories, callobrate them into stats and then present them to the world as stable undeniable truths.

jimdublin15 · 07-07-2015 10:01pm

the_syco wrote: »

If the blogger had provoked him, got a smack, and then posted a youtube video about it, I would be suspicious.

You know stranger stuff has happened. I'm BTW not saying it did not happen I am saying I have empathy for anyone in this situation and that nobody should be abused. See my full post below that I explain neither of them deserved any level of abuse.

jimdublin15 wrote: »

I listed to the interview this morning. In the end she said she throw the phone at him in the gym, so in return/reaction she coped a smack in the eye . I don't think either of them deserved that and she came off worse from picking that last physical fight.

You know it's difficult when your in a situation with domestic abuse be it physical and/or mentally abuse. I was in that situation including physical abuse for nearly 2 years and it just keep getting worse and worse step by step and it's very difficult as you end up feeling highly isolated and alone. For me Iit ended when I was hurt in front of my kids and I dealt with this via the cops and with support from AMEN.ie
Now I do have empathy for her and the situation she has found herself in, but she should not have picked the last fight, that's one for me falls under it takes two to tango. I also would not have put my kids in the video , but that's just me. I dealt with the situation via the legal route and support.

Despite me not agreeing with what she did to end her situation or the fight she started by being violent towards her abuser, I do understand how desperate the situation may have seemed for her, I know it did for me particularly as being I man I thought I would be the only one and not be taken seriously but I found I was not alone in the end I got the support I needed, the cops took my situation very seriously and was helped from the moment i reported it. Now and then I see a report go by and it reminds me of what happened to me such as stories like this lady today and reports being published on abuse. http://www.breakingnews.ie/sponsored/amen8217s-support-kept-me-alive-says-man-who-escaped-domestic-violence-166.html

I would if I did ever speak to her, wish her and the kids all the best.

4friggA · 07-07-2015 10:04pm

LincolnsBeard wrote: »

Where did I say she deserves to be boxed around?

I said it's the inevitable outcome when you start relationships with scumbags.

Here.

LincolnsBeard wrote: »

If you play with fire you will get burned.

Tombi! · 07-07-2015 10:06pm

Mod LincolnsBeard is banned for a day and isn't allowed post in the topic; please stop replying to them.
Thank you

Mightydrumming · 07-07-2015 10:06pm

the_syco wrote: »

I have only listened to the video from the daily mail, and she didn't mention in it that this was seen as a minor case by the Gardai. Does she say it in the podcast?

Yes, 98FM.

4friggA · 07-07-2015 10:07pm

NachoBusiness wrote: »

I said at the end of my last post:

Harsher sentences is the only way to stop any form of violence, especially repeat offenders. People get longer sentences in this country for not paying fines than they do for violent crimes. It's really not something that will go away because some asshole sees a poster saying it's a bad thing to do.

And I agree (and I am sure everyone else agrees) but I would imagine the organisations who make those posters are of the view that it'll be a long time before the justice system is improved in this country and in the meantime, while they fight for improvements in sentencing etc., they're going to do what they can to raise awareness.

4friggA · 07-07-2015 10:08pm

Tombi! wrote: »

Mod LincolnsBeard is banned for a day and isn't allowed post in the topic; please stop replying to them.
Thank you

Sorry about that.

RDM_83 again · 07-07-2015 10:09pm

Cold War Kid wrote: »

Not to mention the fact that plenty of those who are abusive in relationships start off seemingly wonderful, and reel their victim in.
"No sympathy from me" - the edgy phrase of the thread.

Its getting harder and harder to have discussion on AH so will stick to the specific thing that hopefully wont get me sanctioned, you could say without being negative that some people(victims) attract people who are abusive e.g the abusive person picks them.

Cold War Kid · 07-07-2015 10:12pm

RDM_83 again wrote: »

Its getting harder and harder to have discussion on AH so will stick to the specific thing that hopefully wont get me sanctioned, you could say without being negative that some people(victims) attract people who are abusive e.g the abusive person picks them.

Not sure why you quoted me (twice) and then said it's getting harder and harder to have discussion on AH?
I don't disagree with you but you surely can see the post I was referring to was being a lot less generous than you're being?

NachoBusiness · 07-07-2015 10:13pm

the_syco wrote: »

I have only listened to the video from the daily mail, and she didn't mention in it that this was seen as a minor case by the Gardai. Does she say it in the podcast?

She says it towards the end of the following interview (22m 55s) which she gave this morning:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btE-7qHJY8A

LollipopJimmy · 07-07-2015 10:17pm

There is no way that any Guard said this was a minor case if we take the facts presented as the truth.

She has a black eye and that is taken seriously so I do not buy that at all. Also it's said that it could take months... so? All cases take months.

bajer101 · 07-07-2015 10:36pm

I can certainly believe that she was given the brush off by a Garda. I'm a man who suffered domestic abuse and I had a largely negative experience with the Gardai who didn't want to deal with anything that they deemed to be a "civil" matter. When my child was parentally abducted by her mother and I reported it to the Gardai, I was told - "what do want me to do about it". I can easily picture that Garda fobbing off someone, either male or female who reported a crime.

I have no reason to doubt her story and part of me does applaud her, but I do have an issue with certain aspects of story. She said that she threw his phone at him which would seem to be the first physical act in the encounter. While he absolutely had no right to hit her and he should be prosecuted for what he did - she should not have thrown the phone at him. If a man threw a phone at a woman and she hit him in retaliation I suspect that a lot of people wouldn't bat an eyelid and might even say that he deserved it. This ties in with the other issue I have with her video - how she says that no man should hit a woman. With that choice of language she is almost excusing her behaviour of throwing the phone at him and intimating that it is ok for a woman to hit a man. I have found this attitude to prevalent with a lot of people. "Big fella like you, sure how could she hurt you." The wounds that you suffer from being hit by a partner run a lot deeper than the physical. Having to turn away and suffer rains of punches to your back in front of your child is very hard. Domestic Abuse in any shape or form is absolutely wrong and I am kinda glad that he has been "outed". But with all the publicity that this video had received I just hope that people realise that it is not just women who suffer from it.

Viral Facebook video speaking out about domestic violence (Read mod note in the OP)

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