An example of my writing

Del.Monte

Too many exclamation marks and far too many examples of using two words where one would suffice example here: I'll see both of you on Monday! Have a good weekend you two!"....

I still can't make out if you're serious or just having a bit of fun when you're bored at work.

Nerdlingr

Still too many names in it for me.
When people have a conversation and talk to each other 'in real life' they rarely use each others names. Just take this bit for example....

But you really can't be serious, Michelle!"
"I'm telling you the truth Karen!"
"But that can't be true!"
"What could?" Andrea remarked, closing the door behind her.
"Hi Andrea! Oh Michelle was just saying that she heard on the radio that they may very well have found some way of tracing some of those women who have apparently disappeared!" Karen told her.
"Oh! I wouldn't read too much into that Karen!" Andrea remarked as she eyed Karen somewhat carefully. "But speaking of mysteries, look what I just found in the corridor!"
"Well that's a little bit unusual!" Karen remarked.
"Not really Karen." replied Michelle. "Some students are nearly always leaving parts of their school uniforms in various places in this school. I've found tights, socks, ties, even some skirts like that!" Michelle.

Its a conversation between three people, but its get too complicated and muddled by the constant use of their names. 13 times a name is mentioned in that section. Its way too much.

WomanSkirtFan8

Nerdlingr wrote: »

Still too many names in it for me.
When people have a conversation and talk to each other 'in real life' they rarely use each others names. Just take this bit for example....

But you really can't be serious, Michelle!"
"I'm telling you the truth Karen!"
"But that can't be true!"
"What could?" Andrea remarked, closing the door behind her.
"Hi Andrea! Oh Michelle was just saying that she heard on the radio that they may very well have found some way of tracing some of those women who have apparently disappeared!" Karen told her.
"Oh! I wouldn't read too much into that Karen!" Andrea remarked as she eyed Karen somewhat carefully. "But speaking of mysteries, look what I just found in the corridor!"
"Well that's a little bit unusual!" Karen remarked.
"Not really Karen." replied Michelle. "Some students are nearly always leaving parts of their school uniforms in various places in this school. I've found tights, socks, ties, even some skirts like that!" Michelle.

Its a conversation between three people, but its get too complicated and muddled by the constant use of their names. 13 times a name is mentioned in that section. Its way too much.

okay thanks will correct that!

WomanSkirtFan8

Okay,here is the latest version of the story about Andrea and her students. This is still a work in progress and this particular part is only just meant as an introduction and prologue:

Entrapment! The Magical Tent
Prologue

The situation in the tent was extremely cramped and it was rapidly getting worse. The three girls couldn't understand what on earth was going on, but one thing which they were certain of was that they absolutely had to get out of this tent.
"I don't know if I can take much more of this!" moaned Julie.
"Me neither," remarked Sonia. "And I thought that camping trips were supposed to be fun!"
"Can't you undo that zip at all Miss?!" Eva asked incredulously.
"I'm doing what I can Eva!" Miss O'Brien exclaimed in frustration as she kept tugging and pulling at the tent's front zip.
The girls all let out a collective sigh of quiet resignation. This was not what they had been expecting on this trip.
They had all been glad to get out of school for a few hours or so to accompany Miss O'Brien on this break, but now the three girls were seriously beginning to regret it.
"I never knew that tents could be so bloody stuffy!" Julie complained again.
"Well, that's probably due to the fact that you haven't been on many camping trips, have you Julie?" Eva inquired somewhat coyly.
"Actually Eva." retorted Julie. "I have been on numerous camping holidays before and I really enjoyed them."
"Now that's enough, you two." Miss O'Brien cut in rather sharply. "I'm doing what I can to try and get us out of here, but I'm afraid this fastener just won't undo! Oh! Bugger! THAT's done it! It's broken!"
"Oh well done Miss!" Julie remarked quite sarcastically. "Now you've trapped us in here!"
"Well, I'm sorry that you're disappointed Julie." Miss O'Brien replied equally as offhandedly. "But I hadn't planned that we'd all be in this situation. Sometimes things occur which you can't control."
"Well, this is just absolutely marvelous.... I don't think! Trapped in a tent! What on earth is next?!" Julie thought to herself.
But she didn't have to wait long for the answer.
As they all sat there, each of them trying to make some sense of what had happened, something really odd began to happen.
Eva blinked. She couldn't be entire sure about it, but she could have sworn that she had just seen the brown leather belt on Miss O'Brien's ankle-length black gypsy skirt just tightened itself up on its own!
Miss O'Brien gasped and then exhaled slowly as she felt this.
Eva and Sonia fought to hold their breath as the same thing happened to them.
"Gosh! You haven't put on weight again, have you Eva?"
"No, I haven't Sonia." replied Eva a little confused. "Although I must admit that my clothes have been feeling more than a little tight-fitting lately. It's really strange!"
Sonia nodded.
"I've been having the same problem. What about you Julie?"
Julie thought for a minute.
"Come to think of it, now that you both mention it, I have but I don't think......."
Julie's words gradually trailed off as a slight ripping sound began to be heard.
"Do you hear that?" she commented to the others.
"Yes. What IS that?" Sonia asked, looking more than a little worried.
The others didn't reply. They all began checking themselves extremely carefully.
Suddenly and without warning, all of them began to grow. They were all growing! Even Miss O'Brien was starting to grow!
Julie and Sonia both let out a yelp as rough, wiry, coarse hair began sprouting out from various different places. Eva, on the other hand, was in a state of slight shock. She began giggling at the other two, in particular at Miss O'Brien as the sound of ripping material began to fill the air.
As the scene rapidly descended into a chaotic one, Sonia let out another frightened yelp and closed her eyes. And then she fainted.