An example of my writing

nigelradion2

nCamping Chaos (The Tent Collapse)
Part I: Andrea's Plan:
There was once a school teacher by the name of Andrea O'Brien. She taught school at secondary level and was generally regarded as being an excellent teacher who really knew her stuff. Her subject was science; more specifically chemistry. She was an extremely pretty woman with long curly dark-hair and blue eyes. She nearly always wore the same outfit; a long black gypsy skirt with pink and white strips, white blouse and black coat. Under her skirt she usually wore a very sexy pair of French knickers. She was also quite petite being around five-foot sevem in height. Because she was such a great teacher, she was very popular with a lot of her students. In particular with a group of four girls; Julie, Emma, Eva and Sonia.
They all absolutely loved and admired her.
However, what they didn't know was that also a magical witch. She was fairly good at spell-casting but sometimes these spells unexpectedly went wrong, resulting in a couple of fairly hillarious incidents. On one of these, she'd actually lost her skirt during one of her classes. The whole class had errupted in absolute hysterics at this and it had taken some time for things to settle down again. Julie, Emma, Eva and Sonia had been among the worst gigglers at this. They were generally the worst mischief-makers in the class This incident had casued a great deal of embarrassement to Miss O'Brien. She was also a fairly sensitive person and had been easily hurt and humiliated by this. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't let go of the seething bitterness which she felt.
Eventually, she came up with an idea to try and teach these four girls a lesson. Even though she never actually said it directly to them, she actually blamed these four girls for what had happened, even though they were completely innocent.
Her idea was that she, knew that the girls all loved eating a particular breakfast cereal. They had told her about this cereal on a number of occasions and she decided that she would create her own magical breakfast cereal which these girls would absolutely not be able to resist In this way, she would then have some form of control over them and she, hoped, that she would them be able to make them behave in class.

So, one eveing after school had finished for the day, Miss O'Brien was alone in her chemistry class. She knew that she wouldn't have long to do this as the school would be closing for the day around 5pm. As soon as she got into her classroom, she made straight for the cabinet at the back of the room. Opening it, she took three bottles out; one red, one yellow and one blue. She then left the room and headed home. After she'd had her dinner and done all the washing up, she went into her work room. She pulled out a small caldron and poured all three liquids into it. She then got some grains of corn and wheat and put them into it as well. She eventually came up with a brownish-looking mixture. She giggled rather naughtily. "Those girls have NO idea what they're in for!!" she quietly chuckled to herself. The next phase of her plan was to create a device or place that would entrap all four girls. Miss O'Brien thought about this for a moment and then came up with the perfect solution: a tent! A tent was the answer! It was small enough and would make things much easier (or so she thought at the time).

The following day, a Friday, Miss O'Brien asked to speak with the four girls after school. They were all dressed in their dark-green school uniforms. Julie and Emma were wearing black tights while Eva and Sonia were wearing dark-green socks whyich matched the colour of their uniforms. When they met, she asked them if they had any plans for the weekend. The general message from them was that they hadn't. Miss O'Brien then suggested that maybe would they like to go on a school camping trip. The girls were all extremely interested in this so they all immediately said yes they would. So Miss O'Brien then arranged the trip for the following Wednesday afternoon, which by, coincidence, was also the last day of the school term. The girls had one more year of school to follow before they did their final exams. After she'd spoken to the girls, as she watched them go home, Miss O'Brien smile and quitely giggled to herself. She knew what the girls were in for, but what she didn't know was the fact that her idea would actually backfire (as so many of her spells sometimes did) and she herself would become entangled in the absolutely bizzare events that were to later on to occur.

Al Monds

It is an interesting story.
I'm not sure of the genre or target age group.
Generally I suspect there is an audience.
I hope the following is constructive.
It has a drawback which reviewers call 'all tell, no show'.
Dialogue is an easy way to counteract this.
I'm not sure you should tell us yet that her plan will backfire?

Keep at it.

Al.

dharma200

I'd remove the knickers bit hths

nigelradion2

dharma200 wrote: »

I'd remove the knickers bit hths

yeah. will do. Don't know what on earth I was thinking there?!

nigelradion2

Al Monds wrote: »

It is an interesting story.
I'm not sure of the genre or target age group.
Generally I suspect there is an audience.
I hope the following is constructive.
It has a drawback which reviewers call 'all tell, no show'.
Dialogue is an easy way to counteract this.
I'm not sure you should tell us yet that her plan will backfire?

Keep at it.

Al.

yes thanks. I will do. yes it's probably better to show that actually happening at the appropriate time instead of just saying it. Any suggests?

Al Monds

I'm only an amateur and reluctant to suggest too much.
If you hope to learn I would suggest a writers course.
Google for your area.

Timmyctc

Its a fairly basic but decent piece. Colloquial language and subject matter would largely imply it being aimed at a younger age group.
Personally I'd avoid using clichéd lines like

"There once was..." etc.
Its almost the same as starting a story with
"Once upon a time.."
However if that sort of children's story is what you're aiming for then you're going on the right path.

lulu1

Yes would be suitable for young teens in my view. One question how would anyone know what kind of knickers anyone was wearing under a skirt but as you said best leave that bit out.

nigelradion2

lulu1 wrote: »

Yes would be suitable for young teens in my view. One question how would anyone know what kind of knickers anyone was wearing under a skirt but as you said best leave that bit out.

yes I suppose that's true! As I said, I didn't really think. Must have been half-asleep or something. I suppose they wouldn't know or even care, would they? And in any case, it's neither appropriate or relevant. Will sort that out easily enough.

nigelradion2

Here's the slightly edited version:

Camping Chaos (The Tent Collapse)

(Edited Version)

Part I: Andrea's Plan:

There was once a school teacher by the name of Andrea O'Brien. She taught school at secondary level and was generally regarded as being an excellent teacher who really knew her stuff. Her subject was science; more specifically chemistry. She was an extremely pretty woman with long curly dark-hair and blue eyes. She nearly always wore the same outfit; a long black gypsy skirt with pink and white strips, white blouse and black coat. .

She was also quite petite being around five-foot sevem in height. Because she was such a great teacher, she was very popular with a lot of her students. In particular with a group of four girls; Julie, Emma, Eva and Sonia.

They all absolutely loved and admired her.

However, what they didn't know was that also a magical witch. She was fairly good at spell-casting but sometimes these spells unexpectedly went wrong, resulting in a couple of fairly hillarious incidents. On one of these, she'd actually lost her skirt during one of her classes. The whole class had errupted in absolute hysterics at this and it had taken some time for things to settle down again. Julie, Emma, Eva and Sonia had been among the worst gigglers at this. They were generally the worst mischief-makers in the class This incident had casued a great deal of embarrassement to Miss O'Brien. She was also a fairly sensitive person and had been easily hurt and humiliated by this. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't let go of the seething bitterness which she felt.

Eventually, she came up with an idea to try and teach these four girls a lesson. Even though she never actually said it directly to them, she actually blamed these four girls for what had happened, even though they were completely innocent.

Her idea was that she, knew that the girls all loved eating a particular breakfast cereal. They had told her about this cereal on a number of occasions and she decided that she would create her own magical breakfast cereal which these girls would absolutely not be able to resist In this way, she would then have some form of control over them and she, hoped, that she would them be able to make them behave in class.

So, one eveing after school had finished for the day, Miss O'Brien was alone in her chemistry class. She knew that she wouldn't have long to do this as the school would be closing for the day around 5pm. As soon as she got into her classroom, she made straight for the cabinet at the back of the room. Opening it, she took three bottles out; one red, one yellow and one blue. She then left the room and headed home. After she'd had her dinner and done all the washing up, she went into her work room. She pulled out a small caldron and poured all three liquids into it. She then got some grains of corn and wheat and put them into it as well. She eventually came up with a brownish-looking mixture. She giggled rather naughtily. "Those girls have NO idea what they're in for!!" she quietly chuckled to herself. The next phase of her plan was to create a device or place that would entrap all four girls. Miss O'Brien thought about this for a moment and then came up with the perfect solution: a tent! A tent was the answer! It was small enough and would make containment much easier (or so she thought at the time).

The following day, a Friday, Miss O'Brien asked to speak with the four girls after school. They were all dressed in their dark-green school uniforms. When they met, she asked them if they had any plans for the weekend. The general message from them was that they hadn't. Miss O'Brien then suggested that maybe would they like to go on a school camping trip. The girls were all extremely interested in this so they all immediately said yes they would. So Miss O'Brien then arranged the trip for the following Wednesday afternoon, which by, coincidence, was also the last day of the school term. The girls had one more year of school to follow before they did their final exams. After she'd spoken to the girls, as she watched them go home, Miss O'Brien smile and quitely giggled to herself. She knew what the girls were in for, but what she didn't know was the fact that her idea would actually backfire (as so many of her spells sometimes did) and she herself would become entangled in the absolutely bizzare events that were to later on to occur.

pickarooney

There was once a school teacher by the name of Andrea O'Brien. She taught school at secondary level and was generally regarded as being an excellent teacher who really knew her stuff. Her subject was science; more specifically chemistry.

You could probably rewrite that in just three words - Andrea taught chemistry.

nigelradion2

pickarooney wrote: »

You could probably rewrite that in just three words - Andrea taught chemistry.

yes indeed. perhaps best to keep it fairly simple and straightforward. I'm also thinking of perhaps cutting down on the number of students involved from four to two just to make it a little bit easier.

WomanSkirtFan8

nigelradion2 wrote: »

yes indeed. perhaps best to keep it fairly simple and straightforward. I'm also thinking of perhaps cutting down on the number of students involved from four to two just to make it a little bit easier.

Hi guys. Had to change my username earlier today due to a number of login problems. My new username is WomanSkirtFan8 (formally nigelradion2).

lulu1

nigelradion2 wrote: »

yes indeed. perhaps best to keep it fairly simple and straightforward. I'm also thinking of perhaps cutting down on the number of students involved from four to two just to make it a little bit easier.

WHat about Andrea O Brien was a school teacher. She taught in the local secondary school.

WomanSkirtFan8

lulu1 wrote: »

WHat about Andrea O Brien was a school teacher. She taught in the local secondary school.

yes. great suggestion actually. Am still trying to figure out the plot but am sure I will come up with something.

pickarooney

If she taught in the local secondary school she was obviously a teacher...

dee_mc

Just a quick note: 5 foot 7 isn't petite, it's above average height for a woman.
The description of her clothing makes her sound kind of like a bag lady - it sounds like you want her to be quite feminine, so perhaps she's wearing a 'floaty' white blouse or a 'fitted' white blouse? Mentioning fabrics or textures might help to give the reader more of a feel for the character. What sort of black 'coat' are we talking - an actual coat (as in outdoor wear) or a jacket?

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

Just a quick note: 5 foot 7 isn't petite, it's above average height for a woman.
The description of her clothing makes her sound kind of like a bag lady - it sounds like you want her to be quite feminine, so perhaps she's wearing a 'floaty' white blouse or a 'fitted' white blouse? Mentioning fabrics or textures might help to give the reader more of a feel for the character. What sort of black 'coat' are we talking - an actual coat (as in outdoor wear) or a jacket?

yes the intention is to try and make Andrea as feminine as possible. A "bag lady"? Hmm? That's an interesting one.

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

yes the intention is to try and make Andrea as feminine as possible. A "bag lady"? Hmm? That's an interesting one.

Haha sorry I didn't mean that to sound insulting!! To me a gypsy skirt is a loose fitting, fairly casual garment; a blouse is a loose fitting garment often associated with an older lady, and a coat could be anything at all - it doesn't sound quite right to me.

lulu1

dee_mc wrote: »

Haha sorry I didn't mean that to sound insulting!! To me a gypsy skirt is a loose fitting, fairly casual garment; a blouse is a loose fitting garment often associated with an older lady, and a coat could be anything at all - it doesn't sound quite right to me.

Do people still wear gypsy skirts I remember years ago I had a black one with white lace at the bottom

dee_mc

lulu1 wrote: »

Do people still wear gypsy skirts I remember years ago I had a black one with white lace at the bottom

I think it just means a long, loose fitting A-line skirt... I had a black chiffon one about 10 years ago, sure I was only fabulous

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

Haha sorry I didn't mean that to sound insulting!! To me a gypsy skirt is a loose fitting, fairly casual garment; a blouse is a loose fitting garment often associated with an older lady, and a coat could be anything at all - it doesn't sound quite right to me.

No not at all. Firstly, she is wearing a fairly standard ordinary coat. Secondly, I chose a gypsy skirt because I simply just like the look of them. Also, they do look very feminine and I want her to look really pretty and very un-witch like. One could say that this is Andrea's own personal preference as well. It's what she feels comfortable in.

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

No not at all. Firstly, she is wearing a fairly standard ordinary coat. Secondly, I chose a gypsy skirt because I simply just like the look of them. Also, they do look very feminine and I want her to look really pretty and very un-witch like. One could say that this is Andrea's own personal preference as well. It's what she feels comfortable in.

Cool, but you need to find a way to bring that across more clearly - in my opinion it's not making the journey from your head to the page

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

Cool, but you need to find a way to bring that across more clearly - in my opinion it's not making the journey from your head to the page

Okay? how so? It might very well have been the fact that I might not have thought the thing out properly but I really don't know. Thanks for the comment by the way!

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Okay? how so? It might very well have been the fact that I might not have thought the thing out properly but I really don't know. Thanks for the comment by the way!

Just a bit more description - like, maybe instead of
'She nearly always wore the same outfit; a long black gypsy skirt with pink and white strips, white blouse and black coat.'
You could have something like
'She nearly always wore the same outfit; a flowing black gypsy skirt with pink and white stripes, a demure white silk blouse, and a simple black blazer.'
or
'She nearly always wore the same outfit; a long black gypsy skirt with pink and white stripes, a crisp white shirt and a black wool coat'.

I suppose in my opinion if you're going to describe the clothing at all, it should be with a view to helping the reader form a clearer picture of the character. So think about whether she would wear form fitting clothes, or looser fitting ones; high necklines or slightly flirty ones; a cashmere coat, or a polyblend one she picked up in the sales in Penneys! Oh and shoes are important too :P

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

Just a bit more description - like, maybe instead of
'She nearly always wore the same outfit; a long black gypsy skirt with pink and white strips, white blouse and black coat.'
You could have something like
'She nearly always wore the same outfit; a flowing black gypsy skirt with pink and white stripes, a demure white silk blouse, and a simple black blazer.'
or
'She nearly always wore the same outfit; a long black gypsy skirt with pink and white stripes, a crisp white shirt and a black wool coat'.

I suppose in my opinion if you're going to describe the clothing at all, it should be with a view to helping the reader form a clearer picture of the character. So think about whether she would wear form fitting clothes, or looser fitting ones; high necklines or slightly flirty ones; a cashmere coat, or a polyblend one she picked up in the sales in Penneys! Oh and shoes are important too :P

Okay thanks. I obviously need to work on my sense of exposition and description!

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Okay thanks. I obviously need to work on my sense of exposition and description!

Well I'm no expert, hope it helps though!

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

Well I'm no expert, hope it helps though!

yes thanks. it certainly has. in fact, it's been hugely helpful in pointing out the direction to go as far as character description is concerned.

WomanSkirtFan8

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

yes thanks. it certainly has. in fact, it's been hugely helpful in pointing out the direction to go as far as character description is concerned.

Here is a revised description of Andrea and what she is wearing:

Black Crepe Tailored Jacket
Crisp White Shirt / Blouse
Long Flowing Ankle-length Black Gypsy Skirt with pink and white stripes just above the hemline.
A Slightly tight-fitting and sometimes, uncomfortable belt.
Black knee-length silk tights
A pair of calf-length legroom boots.

She also wears a white hairband in her hair. In terms of her height she is around 5ft 6.

Hope that makes it a bit clearer.

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Here is a revised description of Andrea and what she is wearing:

Black Crepe Tailored Jacket
Crisp White Shirt / Blouse
Long Flowing Ankle-length Black Gypsy Skirt with pink and white stripes just above the hemline.
A Slightly tight-fitting and sometimes, uncomfortable belt.
Black knee-length silk tights
A pair of calf-length legroom boots.

She also wears a white hairband in her hair. In terms of her height she is around 5ft 6.

Hope that makes it a bit clearer.

Cool
(I don't understand what the bits I put in bold mean)

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

Cool
(I don't understand what the bits I put in bold mean)

Okay I think I can see where I went wrong.

Black Crepe Tailored Jacket
Crisp White Shirt / Blouse
Long Flowing Ankle-length Black Gypsy Skirt with pink and white stripes.
A Slightly tight-fitting belt.
A pair of wool socks.
A pair of knee-length black boots.

The thing about her clothes is that she and her students all eventually burst out of their clothes together (Reason as yet not quite figure out) and the tent collapses.

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Okay I think I can see where I went wrong.

Black Crepe Tailored Jacket
Crisp White Shirt / Blouse
Long Flowing Ankle-length Black Gypsy Skirt with pink and white stripes.
A Slightly tight-fitting belt.
A pair of wool socks.
A pair of knee-length black boots.

The thing about her clothes is that she and her students all eventually burst out of their clothes together (Reason as yet not quite figure out) and the tent collapses.

Excellent, this sounds like a fun read, I hope you're enjoying writing it

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

Excellent, this sounds like a fun read, I hope you're enjoying writing it

I am actually, thanks. Still haven't quite figure out that happens or why as well but I will figure it out.

WomanSkirtFan8

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

I am actually, thanks. Still haven't quite figure out that happens or why as well but I will figure it out.

Here is the first version of how Andrea and her students burst their clothes:

"There was a bit of jostling at the front of the tent. Miss O'Brien was still fumbling with the zipper, desperately trying to somehow get it open. She was holding the edge of the tent, with her right hand, while tugging at the zipper with her left hand; grunting as she did so.
Julie was bending over slightly on her left. As she did so, the right-hand seam on her skirt began snapping, leaving a lot of ripped seams behind. From under the torn remains, cama a sudden flash of yellow hair.Her chest rapidly grew much bigger as well. Her tie flew upwards and the buttons just popped rapidly off, one after another.

Miss O'Brien rather abruptly stopped tugging at the broken zipper as she felt her chest blowing up enormously like a balloon. She then looked down at her blouse and saw a number of buttons popping off. She looked down at her shoes and saw the laces on both snapping off and flying wildly about. She then glanced at her gypsy skirt, and saw a number of patches of yellow hair appearing in numerous places. She her hand fully spread out at her waist as yellow hair sprouts rapidly out over the waistline of her skirt; it's French seams also splitting and snapping in the process. Her belt was the next to follow. As her skirt bulged, the belt began straining, tightened up a bit, but eventually snapped off. Her swelling monstrous backside also managed to completely destroy both the button and zipper, still not enough room! "Oh **** no! NOT my BEST clothes!" she thought to herself in horror.

Sonia, Emma, and Shirley's ties also flew upwards, as their shirts also grew bigger and bigger, As the shirts stretched, straining the buttons, yellow hair sprouted out from underneath the button holes; the buttons eventually popping off. Their skirt zippers also began to fail, either breaking off or just simply coming apart as the seams on both sides of their skirts also snapped. Within a matter of moments, they had all completely filled up the tent. It was inevitable that the tent was going to collapse."

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Here is the first version of how Andrea and her students burst their clothes:

"There was a bit of jostling at the front of the tent. Miss O'Brien was still fumbling with the zipper, desperately trying to somehow get it open. She was holding the edge of the tent, with her right hand, while tugging at the zipper with her left hand; grunting as she did so.
Julie was bending over slightly on her left. As she did so, the right-hand seam on her skirt began snapping, leaving a lot of ripped seams behind. From under the torn remains, cama a sudden flash of [COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]yellow hair.[/COLOR]Her chest rapidly grew much bigger as well. Her tie flew upwards and the buttons just[COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"] popped[/COLOR] rapidly off, one after another.

Miss O'Brien rather abruptly stopped tugging at the broken zipper as she felt her chest blowing up enormously like a balloon. She then looked down at her blouse and saw a number of buttons [COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]popping[/COLOR] off. She looked down at her shoes and saw the laces on both snapping off and flying wildly about. She then glanced at her gypsy skirt, and saw a number of patches of [COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]yellow hair[/COLOR] appearing in numerous places. She her hand fully spread out at her waist as [COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]yellow hair[/COLOR] sprouts rapidly out over the waistline of her skirt; it's French seams also splitting and snapping in the process. Her belt was the next to follow. As her skirt bulged, the belt began straining, tightened up a bit, but eventually snapped off. Her swelling monstrous backside also managed to completely destroy both the button and zipper, still not enough room! "Oh **** no! NOT my BEST clothes!" she thought to herself in horror.

Sonia, Emma, and Shirley's ties also flew upwards, as their shirts also grew bigger and bigger, As the shirts stretched, straining the buttons, [COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]yellow hair[/COLOR] sprouted out from underneath the button holes; the buttons eventually [COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]popping[/COLOR] off. Their skirt zippers also began to fail, either breaking off or just simply coming apart as the seams on both sides of their skirts also snapped. Within a matter of moments, they had all completely filled up the tent. It was inevitable that the tent was going to collapse."

This is interesting, I like where it's going, but in my pernickety way I've highlighted the words that are repeated to excess throughout the passage... if it were me, I'd try to vary the language a bit.
As a former teacher, I'd question the apparent silence of the four schoolgirls as they began to swell rather dramatically and tuft yellow hair from interesting places... I've heard them scream and use profanities for less :rolleyes:
(Do tell me to pee off if you like )

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

This is interesting, I like where it's going, but in my pernickety way I've highlighted the words that are repeated to excess throughout the passage... if it were me, I'd try to vary the language a bit.
As a former teacher, I'd question the apparent silence of the four schoolgirls as they began to swell rather dramatically and tuft yellow hair from interesting places... I've heard them scream and use profanities for less :rolleyes:
(Do tell me to pee off if you like )

Not at all. Your suggestions have been (and are) extremely helpful). In actually fact, I should have spotted that whole bit about the profanity sooner.
Just one question (hope you don't mind): If you were Andrea in this situation, what would you be doing or thinking?

Pardon me use of continual repetition (I know there are many other different ways to phrase what I'm trying to say here). Also, there's a phrase that I heard many years ago which is in this story: "All other clothes would suddenly burst open!!". I don't know why exacty, but I've always liked it.

Any suggestions on what could cause this burst-out or ? how to vary the language?

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Not at all. Your suggestions have been (and are) extremely helpful). In actually fact, I should have spotted that whole bit about the profanity sooner.
Just one question (hope you don't mind): If you were Andrea in this situation, what would you be doing or thinking?

Pardon me use of continual repetition (I know there are many other different ways to phrase what I'm trying to say here). Also, there's a phrase that I heard many years ago which is in this story: "All other clothes would suddenly burst open!!". I don't know why exacty, but I've always liked it.

Any suggestions on what could cause this burst-out or ? how to vary the language?

If I were the (ever so feminine!) Andrea, I'd first try to cover my modesty; then I'd probably think back to one of the other failed witch missions alluded to in the earlier passage ('Oh no! This is like the time I inadvertently blew up the staffroom all over again!'); and I imagine I'd show some remorse for causing potentially fatal damage to 4 of my students in an act of revenge!

Varying the language: take the yellow hair for example. You could describe the texture of it (tufts; wiry; soft; luxuriant), the colour of it (pale; dirty; smoky; amber; glowing; golden; mustard) etc.
Instead of repeated use of the word 'popping' in relation to the buttons coming off, you could try 'pinging' or 'flying' etc.
'Snapping' at the seams isn't very descriptive - think of how fabric reacts under pressure: tearing, stretching to breaking point, threads finally giving way, fraying, splitting etc!
Try 'brainstorming' the important/difficult bits, throw out all the relevant words and phrases and get them all on paper, get a good wordbank going and it should be easier to avoid repetition

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

If I were the (ever so feminine!) Andrea, I'd first try to cover my modesty; then I'd probably think back to one of the other failed witch missions alluded to in the earlier passage ('Oh no! This is like the time I inadvertently blew up the staffroom all over again!'); and I imagine I'd show some remorse for causing potentially fatal damage to 4 of my students in an act of revenge!

Varying the language: take the yellow hair for example. You could describe the texture of it (tufts; wiry; soft; luxuriant), the colour of it (pale; dirty; smoky; amber; glowing; golden; mustard) etc.
Instead of repeated use of the word 'popping' in relation to the buttons coming off, you could try 'pinging' or 'flying' etc.
'Snapping' at the seams isn't very descriptive - think of how fabric reacts under pressure: tearing, stretching to breaking point, threads finally giving way, fraying, splitting etc!
Try 'brainstorming' the important/difficult bits, throw out all the relevant words and phrases and get them all on paper, get a good wordbank going and it should be easier to avoid repetition

Well Andrea probably isn't the only one who would try and cover up her modesty, is she? I presumed the girls would have similar reactions? or maybe not? Maybe she would be the last to react? Its become extremely clear that I need to work on my sense of description!

WomanSkirtFan8

If I were the (ever so feminine!) Andrea, Id first try to cover my modesty; then Id probably think back to one of the other failed witch missions alluded to in the earlier passage (Oh no! This is like the time I inadvertently blew up the staffroom all over again!) wrote: »

Yes that's probably true. Up to this point, she has kind of been the butt of practical jokes which have been constantly played on her. She got so fed up with this that she came up with this idea of a kind of "penalty area" (i.e. the tent) to try and teach them both some discipline and respect. That's kind of her idea which of course, is naturally goes wrong.

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

If I were the (ever so feminine!) Andrea, Id first try to cover my modesty; then Id probably think back to one of the other failed witch missions alluded to in the earlier passage (Oh no! This is like the time I inadvertently blew up the staffroom all over again!) wrote: »

Yes that's probably true. Up to this point, she has kind of been the butt of practical jokes which have been constantly played on her. She got so fed up with this that she came up with this idea of a kind of "penalty area" (i.e. the tent) to try and teach them both some discipline and respect. That's kind of her idea which of course, is naturally goes wrong.

Ah ok, that makes things clearer!
Yes, I'd imagine the students would try to cover their modesty too but as they're unaware of the fact Andrea is a witch, they're probably more surprised/shocked/scared than she is? I think it would be good to show their contrasting reactions.

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Ah ok, that makes things clearer!
Yes, I'd imagine the students would try to cover their modesty too but as they're unaware of the fact Andrea is a witch, they're probably more surprised/shocked/scared than she is? I think it would be good to show their contrasting reactions.

yes I agree, although I don't really think they all would for seome strange reason. I think perhaps maybe Julie would probably look down at her shirt, watch the buttons pop, but then maybe laugh or giggle at it. Whereas perhaps Sonia's shirt could pop and she could possibly gasp in horror. In terms of their ages, these four girls are all aged between 16 and 19 which would mean that they are very senior in the school.

In terms of how the girls' school uniforms come apart, have you any thoughts on that? It's okay if you don't.

Thanks again for all the helpful advice.

If your talking about avoiding repetition, in terms of the tent's actually destruction, it might be a good idea to show only two or three of its ropes coming apart?

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

dee_mc wrote: »

yes I agree, although I don't really think they all would for seome strange reason. I think perhaps maybe Julie would probably look down at her shirt, watch the buttons pop, but then maybe laugh or giggle at it. Whereas perhaps Sonia's shirt could pop and she could possibly gasp in horror. In terms of their ages, these four girls are all aged between 16 and 19 which would mean that they are very senior in the school.

In terms of how the girls' school uniforms come apart, have you any thoughts on that? It's okay if you don't.

Thanks again for all the helpful advice.

If your talking about avoiding repetition, in terms of the tent's actually destruction, it might be a good idea to show only two or three of its ropes coming apart?

Hmm. Re tent, I'd probably partly approach describing it's destruction by mentioning its effect on the contents of the tent? That way you wouldn't have to outline the same thing more than once.
Re the girls' uniforms, you could have one or more of the girls watching another ones' transformation in horror, then realise the same thing is beginning to happen to herself/themselves?
At this stage it would probably be important to know the intended audience for the book/story - what's the genre? Who's it supposed to appeal to? Are you aiming for humour?

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Hmm. Re tent, I'd probably partly approach describing it's destruction by mentioning its effect on the contents of the tent? That way you wouldn't have to outline the same thing more than once.
Re the girls' uniforms, you could have one or more of the girls watching another ones' transformation in horror, then realise the same thing is beginning to happen to herself/themselves?
At this stage it would probably be important to know the intended audience for the book/story - what's the genre? Who's it supposed to appeal to? Are you aiming for humour?

well I am initially thinking maybe mid to late teens but I've never actually written a teen story before so I'm not entirely sure of the actual genre. I am actually working on a novel that I'm intending for the mid to late teen audience so this is probably going to be more suited for a younger teen audience. Makes sense given the way that this story is beginning to develop.

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

dee_mc wrote: »

well I am initially thinking maybe mid to late teens but I've never actually written a teen story before so I'm not entirely sure of the actual genre. I am actually working on a novel that I'm intending for the mid to late teen audience so this is probably going to be more suited for a younger teen audience. Makes sense given the way that this story is beginning to develop.

Ah ok, I can see why you removed the bit about her underwear then!

WomanSkirtFan8

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

dee_mc wrote: »

well I am initially thinking maybe mid to late teens but I've never actually written a teen story before so I'm not entirely sure of the actual genre. I am actually working on a novel that I'm intending for the mid to late teen audience so this is probably going to be more suited for a younger teen audience. Makes sense given the way that this story is beginning to develop.

yes I am intending for there to be humour. The thing is to use that old expression, "comedy is extremely difficult to write". I suppose, given what actually happens, the girls themselves would love nothing better that to see their teacher embarrassed in some way but then they succumb to the transformation themselves. If you wanted a theme for this story, it probably would be "what goes around, comes around."

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

yes I am intending for there to be humour. The thing is to use that old expression, "comedy is extremely difficult to write". I suppose, given what actually happens, the girls themselves would love nothing better that to see their teacher embarrassed in some way but then they succumb to the transformation themselves. If you wanted a theme for this story, it probably would be "what goes around, comes around."

If I were you I'd probably incorporate alot more dialogue, I think it appeals to younger readers as it keeps things moving. You could try writing much more dialogue than you intend to use, then editing and fitting the scenario around it?

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Ah ok, I can see why you removed the bit about her underwear then!

yes indeed. It's not really age appropriate for this kind of story, is it? And anyway, the question arises "What would you do with her underwear if she's bursting out already?" It really doesn't make any sense. It would probably be more appropriate for a much more mature readership.

WomanSkirtFan8

Agent Weebley wrote: »

I have called the Fashion Police. They will be here shortly. I want to press Skirt Charges.

hi there. Sorry I missed seeing you there! Eh? Skirt Charges? On what grounds exactly?

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

If I were you I'd probably incorporate alot more dialogue, I think it appeals to younger readers as it keeps things moving. You could try writing much more dialogue than you intend to use, then editing and fitting the scenario around it?

great! thanks! Will do that!

lulu1

Dee mcc Would you mind having a quick look at my story please thanks alot.you will find it under good fair or downright rubbish

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Hmm. Re tent, I'd probably partly approach describing it's destruction by mentioning its effect on the contents of the tent? That way you wouldn't have to outline the same thing more than once.

Hi there,

Can you please clarify what exactly you mean by this? Thanks.