An example of my writing

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Okay I think I can see where I went wrong.

Black Crepe Tailored Jacket
Crisp White Shirt / Blouse
Long Flowing Ankle-length Black Gypsy Skirt with pink and white stripes.
A Slightly tight-fitting belt.
A pair of wool socks.
A pair of knee-length black boots.

The thing about her clothes is that she and her students all eventually burst out of their clothes together (Reason as yet not quite figure out) and the tent collapses.

Excellent, this sounds like a fun read, I hope you're enjoying writing it

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

Excellent, this sounds like a fun read, I hope you're enjoying writing it

I am actually, thanks. Still haven't quite figure out that happens or why as well but I will figure it out.

WomanSkirtFan8

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

I am actually, thanks. Still haven't quite figure out that happens or why as well but I will figure it out.

Here is the first version of how Andrea and her students burst their clothes:

"There was a bit of jostling at the front of the tent. Miss O'Brien was still fumbling with the zipper, desperately trying to somehow get it open. She was holding the edge of the tent, with her right hand, while tugging at the zipper with her left hand; grunting as she did so.
Julie was bending over slightly on her left. As she did so, the right-hand seam on her skirt began snapping, leaving a lot of ripped seams behind. From under the torn remains, cama a sudden flash of yellow hair.Her chest rapidly grew much bigger as well. Her tie flew upwards and the buttons just popped rapidly off, one after another.

Miss O'Brien rather abruptly stopped tugging at the broken zipper as she felt her chest blowing up enormously like a balloon. She then looked down at her blouse and saw a number of buttons popping off. She looked down at her shoes and saw the laces on both snapping off and flying wildly about. She then glanced at her gypsy skirt, and saw a number of patches of yellow hair appearing in numerous places. She her hand fully spread out at her waist as yellow hair sprouts rapidly out over the waistline of her skirt; it's French seams also splitting and snapping in the process. Her belt was the next to follow. As her skirt bulged, the belt began straining, tightened up a bit, but eventually snapped off. Her swelling monstrous backside also managed to completely destroy both the button and zipper, still not enough room! "Oh **** no! NOT my BEST clothes!" she thought to herself in horror.

Sonia, Emma, and Shirley's ties also flew upwards, as their shirts also grew bigger and bigger, As the shirts stretched, straining the buttons, yellow hair sprouted out from underneath the button holes; the buttons eventually popping off. Their skirt zippers also began to fail, either breaking off or just simply coming apart as the seams on both sides of their skirts also snapped. Within a matter of moments, they had all completely filled up the tent. It was inevitable that the tent was going to collapse."

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Here is the first version of how Andrea and her students burst their clothes:

"There was a bit of jostling at the front of the tent. Miss O'Brien was still fumbling with the zipper, desperately trying to somehow get it open. She was holding the edge of the tent, with her right hand, while tugging at the zipper with her left hand; grunting as she did so.
Julie was bending over slightly on her left. As she did so, the right-hand seam on her skirt began snapping, leaving a lot of ripped seams behind. From under the torn remains, cama a sudden flash of [COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]yellow hair.[/COLOR]Her chest rapidly grew much bigger as well. Her tie flew upwards and the buttons just[COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"] popped[/COLOR] rapidly off, one after another.

Miss O'Brien rather abruptly stopped tugging at the broken zipper as she felt her chest blowing up enormously like a balloon. She then looked down at her blouse and saw a number of buttons [COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]popping[/COLOR] off. She looked down at her shoes and saw the laces on both snapping off and flying wildly about. She then glanced at her gypsy skirt, and saw a number of patches of [COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]yellow hair[/COLOR] appearing in numerous places. She her hand fully spread out at her waist as [COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]yellow hair[/COLOR] sprouts rapidly out over the waistline of her skirt; it's French seams also splitting and snapping in the process. Her belt was the next to follow. As her skirt bulged, the belt began straining, tightened up a bit, but eventually snapped off. Her swelling monstrous backside also managed to completely destroy both the button and zipper, still not enough room! "Oh **** no! NOT my BEST clothes!" she thought to herself in horror.

Sonia, Emma, and Shirley's ties also flew upwards, as their shirts also grew bigger and bigger, As the shirts stretched, straining the buttons, [COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]yellow hair[/COLOR] sprouted out from underneath the button holes; the buttons eventually [COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]popping[/COLOR] off. Their skirt zippers also began to fail, either breaking off or just simply coming apart as the seams on both sides of their skirts also snapped. Within a matter of moments, they had all completely filled up the tent. It was inevitable that the tent was going to collapse."

This is interesting, I like where it's going, but in my pernickety way I've highlighted the words that are repeated to excess throughout the passage... if it were me, I'd try to vary the language a bit.
As a former teacher, I'd question the apparent silence of the four schoolgirls as they began to swell rather dramatically and tuft yellow hair from interesting places... I've heard them scream and use profanities for less :rolleyes:
(Do tell me to pee off if you like )

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

This is interesting, I like where it's going, but in my pernickety way I've highlighted the words that are repeated to excess throughout the passage... if it were me, I'd try to vary the language a bit.
As a former teacher, I'd question the apparent silence of the four schoolgirls as they began to swell rather dramatically and tuft yellow hair from interesting places... I've heard them scream and use profanities for less :rolleyes:
(Do tell me to pee off if you like )

Not at all. Your suggestions have been (and are) extremely helpful). In actually fact, I should have spotted that whole bit about the profanity sooner.
Just one question (hope you don't mind): If you were Andrea in this situation, what would you be doing or thinking?

Pardon me use of continual repetition (I know there are many other different ways to phrase what I'm trying to say here). Also, there's a phrase that I heard many years ago which is in this story: "All other clothes would suddenly burst open!!". I don't know why exacty, but I've always liked it.

Any suggestions on what could cause this burst-out or ? how to vary the language?

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Not at all. Your suggestions have been (and are) extremely helpful). In actually fact, I should have spotted that whole bit about the profanity sooner.
Just one question (hope you don't mind): If you were Andrea in this situation, what would you be doing or thinking?

Pardon me use of continual repetition (I know there are many other different ways to phrase what I'm trying to say here). Also, there's a phrase that I heard many years ago which is in this story: "All other clothes would suddenly burst open!!". I don't know why exacty, but I've always liked it.

Any suggestions on what could cause this burst-out or ? how to vary the language?

If I were the (ever so feminine!) Andrea, I'd first try to cover my modesty; then I'd probably think back to one of the other failed witch missions alluded to in the earlier passage ('Oh no! This is like the time I inadvertently blew up the staffroom all over again!'); and I imagine I'd show some remorse for causing potentially fatal damage to 4 of my students in an act of revenge!

Varying the language: take the yellow hair for example. You could describe the texture of it (tufts; wiry; soft; luxuriant), the colour of it (pale; dirty; smoky; amber; glowing; golden; mustard) etc.
Instead of repeated use of the word 'popping' in relation to the buttons coming off, you could try 'pinging' or 'flying' etc.
'Snapping' at the seams isn't very descriptive - think of how fabric reacts under pressure: tearing, stretching to breaking point, threads finally giving way, fraying, splitting etc!
Try 'brainstorming' the important/difficult bits, throw out all the relevant words and phrases and get them all on paper, get a good wordbank going and it should be easier to avoid repetition

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

If I were the (ever so feminine!) Andrea, I'd first try to cover my modesty; then I'd probably think back to one of the other failed witch missions alluded to in the earlier passage ('Oh no! This is like the time I inadvertently blew up the staffroom all over again!'); and I imagine I'd show some remorse for causing potentially fatal damage to 4 of my students in an act of revenge!

Varying the language: take the yellow hair for example. You could describe the texture of it (tufts; wiry; soft; luxuriant), the colour of it (pale; dirty; smoky; amber; glowing; golden; mustard) etc.
Instead of repeated use of the word 'popping' in relation to the buttons coming off, you could try 'pinging' or 'flying' etc.
'Snapping' at the seams isn't very descriptive - think of how fabric reacts under pressure: tearing, stretching to breaking point, threads finally giving way, fraying, splitting etc!
Try 'brainstorming' the important/difficult bits, throw out all the relevant words and phrases and get them all on paper, get a good wordbank going and it should be easier to avoid repetition

Well Andrea probably isn't the only one who would try and cover up her modesty, is she? I presumed the girls would have similar reactions? or maybe not? Maybe she would be the last to react? Its become extremely clear that I need to work on my sense of description!

WomanSkirtFan8

If I were the (ever so feminine!) Andrea, Id first try to cover my modesty; then Id probably think back to one of the other failed witch missions alluded to in the earlier passage (Oh no! This is like the time I inadvertently blew up the staffroom all over again!) wrote: »

Yes that's probably true. Up to this point, she has kind of been the butt of practical jokes which have been constantly played on her. She got so fed up with this that she came up with this idea of a kind of "penalty area" (i.e. the tent) to try and teach them both some discipline and respect. That's kind of her idea which of course, is naturally goes wrong.

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

If I were the (ever so feminine!) Andrea, Id first try to cover my modesty; then Id probably think back to one of the other failed witch missions alluded to in the earlier passage (Oh no! This is like the time I inadvertently blew up the staffroom all over again!) wrote: »

Yes that's probably true. Up to this point, she has kind of been the butt of practical jokes which have been constantly played on her. She got so fed up with this that she came up with this idea of a kind of "penalty area" (i.e. the tent) to try and teach them both some discipline and respect. That's kind of her idea which of course, is naturally goes wrong.

Ah ok, that makes things clearer!
Yes, I'd imagine the students would try to cover their modesty too but as they're unaware of the fact Andrea is a witch, they're probably more surprised/shocked/scared than she is? I think it would be good to show their contrasting reactions.

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Ah ok, that makes things clearer!
Yes, I'd imagine the students would try to cover their modesty too but as they're unaware of the fact Andrea is a witch, they're probably more surprised/shocked/scared than she is? I think it would be good to show their contrasting reactions.

yes I agree, although I don't really think they all would for seome strange reason. I think perhaps maybe Julie would probably look down at her shirt, watch the buttons pop, but then maybe laugh or giggle at it. Whereas perhaps Sonia's shirt could pop and she could possibly gasp in horror. In terms of their ages, these four girls are all aged between 16 and 19 which would mean that they are very senior in the school.

In terms of how the girls' school uniforms come apart, have you any thoughts on that? It's okay if you don't.

Thanks again for all the helpful advice.

If your talking about avoiding repetition, in terms of the tent's actually destruction, it might be a good idea to show only two or three of its ropes coming apart?

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

dee_mc wrote: »

yes I agree, although I don't really think they all would for seome strange reason. I think perhaps maybe Julie would probably look down at her shirt, watch the buttons pop, but then maybe laugh or giggle at it. Whereas perhaps Sonia's shirt could pop and she could possibly gasp in horror. In terms of their ages, these four girls are all aged between 16 and 19 which would mean that they are very senior in the school.

In terms of how the girls' school uniforms come apart, have you any thoughts on that? It's okay if you don't.

Thanks again for all the helpful advice.

If your talking about avoiding repetition, in terms of the tent's actually destruction, it might be a good idea to show only two or three of its ropes coming apart?

Hmm. Re tent, I'd probably partly approach describing it's destruction by mentioning its effect on the contents of the tent? That way you wouldn't have to outline the same thing more than once.
Re the girls' uniforms, you could have one or more of the girls watching another ones' transformation in horror, then realise the same thing is beginning to happen to herself/themselves?
At this stage it would probably be important to know the intended audience for the book/story - what's the genre? Who's it supposed to appeal to? Are you aiming for humour?

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Hmm. Re tent, I'd probably partly approach describing it's destruction by mentioning its effect on the contents of the tent? That way you wouldn't have to outline the same thing more than once.
Re the girls' uniforms, you could have one or more of the girls watching another ones' transformation in horror, then realise the same thing is beginning to happen to herself/themselves?
At this stage it would probably be important to know the intended audience for the book/story - what's the genre? Who's it supposed to appeal to? Are you aiming for humour?

well I am initially thinking maybe mid to late teens but I've never actually written a teen story before so I'm not entirely sure of the actual genre. I am actually working on a novel that I'm intending for the mid to late teen audience so this is probably going to be more suited for a younger teen audience. Makes sense given the way that this story is beginning to develop.

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

dee_mc wrote: »

well I am initially thinking maybe mid to late teens but I've never actually written a teen story before so I'm not entirely sure of the actual genre. I am actually working on a novel that I'm intending for the mid to late teen audience so this is probably going to be more suited for a younger teen audience. Makes sense given the way that this story is beginning to develop.

Ah ok, I can see why you removed the bit about her underwear then!

WomanSkirtFan8

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

dee_mc wrote: »

well I am initially thinking maybe mid to late teens but I've never actually written a teen story before so I'm not entirely sure of the actual genre. I am actually working on a novel that I'm intending for the mid to late teen audience so this is probably going to be more suited for a younger teen audience. Makes sense given the way that this story is beginning to develop.

yes I am intending for there to be humour. The thing is to use that old expression, "comedy is extremely difficult to write". I suppose, given what actually happens, the girls themselves would love nothing better that to see their teacher embarrassed in some way but then they succumb to the transformation themselves. If you wanted a theme for this story, it probably would be "what goes around, comes around."

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

yes I am intending for there to be humour. The thing is to use that old expression, "comedy is extremely difficult to write". I suppose, given what actually happens, the girls themselves would love nothing better that to see their teacher embarrassed in some way but then they succumb to the transformation themselves. If you wanted a theme for this story, it probably would be "what goes around, comes around."

If I were you I'd probably incorporate alot more dialogue, I think it appeals to younger readers as it keeps things moving. You could try writing much more dialogue than you intend to use, then editing and fitting the scenario around it?

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Ah ok, I can see why you removed the bit about her underwear then!

yes indeed. It's not really age appropriate for this kind of story, is it? And anyway, the question arises "What would you do with her underwear if she's bursting out already?" It really doesn't make any sense. It would probably be more appropriate for a much more mature readership.

WomanSkirtFan8

Agent Weebley wrote: »

I have called the Fashion Police. They will be here shortly. I want to press Skirt Charges.

hi there. Sorry I missed seeing you there! Eh? Skirt Charges? On what grounds exactly?

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

If I were you I'd probably incorporate alot more dialogue, I think it appeals to younger readers as it keeps things moving. You could try writing much more dialogue than you intend to use, then editing and fitting the scenario around it?

great! thanks! Will do that!

lulu1

Dee mcc Would you mind having a quick look at my story please thanks alot.you will find it under good fair or downright rubbish

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Hmm. Re tent, I'd probably partly approach describing it's destruction by mentioning its effect on the contents of the tent? That way you wouldn't have to outline the same thing more than once.

Hi there,

Can you please clarify what exactly you mean by this? Thanks.

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

dee_mc wrote: »

Hi there,

Can you please clarify what exactly you mean by this? Thanks.

Rather than describing the demise of each rope, I'd probably describe it collapsing on something that's inside the tent, destroying it... except I don't know what's in the tent as you haven't said! :P

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Rather than describing the demise of each rope, I'd probably describe it collapsing on something that's inside the tent, destroying it... except I don't know what's in the tent as you haven't said! :P

okay well. the tent is a standard classic ridge tent (the triangular shaped kind). Inside it are fairly ordinary things such as
(1) a change of clothes (Luckily for all concerned!)
(2) sleeping bags
(3) various food supplies.

Need to do a bit more thinking on this!

the idea originally was that Andrea and her students all burst out of their clothes and that contributes to the ultimate collapse of the tent!

Agent Weebley

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

hi there. Sorry I missed seeing you there! Eh? Skirt Charges? On what grounds exactly?

I just erased it as you were posting! I rarely erase anything, but you guys seemed so "into it," I felt a little . . . you know, skirted?

On what grounds? It sounded like you hadn't pressed the skirt.

WomanSkirtFan8

Agent Weebley wrote: »

I just erased it as you were posting! I rarely erase anything, but you guys seemed so "into it," I felt a little . . . you know, skirted?

On what grounds? It sounded like you hadn't pressed the skirt.

Oh did you? Didn't know that.
please forgive me for sounding a bit thick here but what exactly do you mean by "I hadn't pressed the skirt?"

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

dee_mc wrote: »

okay well. the tent is a standard classic ridge tent (the triangular shaped kind). Inside it are fairly ordinary things such as
(1) a change of clothes (Luckily for all concerned!)
(2) sleeping bags
(3) various food supplies.

Need to do a bit more thinking on this!

the idea originally was that Andrea and her students all burst out of their clothes and that contributes to the ultimate collapse of the tent!

Yeah I'm a bit lost I'm afraid! Keep thinking and maybe do a rough plan in sequence to keep things moving/logical!

lulu1

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

I am actually, thanks. Still haven't quite figure out that happens or why as well but I will figure it out.

Hi op Hope you dont mind me saying. But do you think if you thought the whole plan ie start middle and end through and then put it together it might make writing it a little bit easier
To me it seems like hard work to write a bit and then have to come up with something to suit the start. But dont mind me it was just a thought

WomanSkirtFan8

lulu1 wrote: »

Hi op Hope you dont mind me saying. But do you think if you thought the whole plan ie start middle and end through and then put it together it might make writing it a little bit easier
To me it seems like hard work to write a bit and then have to come up with something to suit the start. But dont mind me it was just a thought

no. not at all. I was just thinking of doing that myself! best to start at the beginning I suppose

lulu1

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

no. not at all. I was just thinking of doing that myself! best to start at the beginning I suppose

But keep going dont give it up

Agent Weebley

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Oh did you? Didn't know that.
please forgive me for sounding a bit thick here but what exactly do you mean by "I hadn't pressed the skirt?"

Oops. That would be: "ironed." That's my "half-Canadian" side showing through, I guess - you can see it? Bummer. I thought I had it nicely covered up with lots of other more forgiving words. Does it make me look phat in hindsight? You know" "mysterious big-arsed half-Canadian, half-English, half-Irish, and half-MetaPhorian" invades Blarnia . . ."

I kind of ukfupped my original post anyway. It should have read:

I have called the Fashion Police. They will be here shortly - pressing skirt charges.

WomanSkirtFan8

lulu1 wrote: »

But keep going dont give it up

thanks. No I'm not going to give up on it. I think its too good a story to let go off anyway. I just need some time to think and plan it out first.