Happily married guy, but niggly feeling for years. Any advice?

Stereomaniac

From just reading the original post of this thread, it seems to me that the guy is no longer content with what his wife is offering him. That is not his fault. But honesty with the wife is best!

alphamule

whatis12 wrote: »

Unfortunately we will or may never know what his wife thinks and no one said hes bi sexual he just may want to experiment and that doesnt define his sexuality either!

Hi is fantasising about men while being married to a woman who has no idea.

Its gone beyond a little experimentation. He could potentially destroy his marriage and affect his children.

Lets say he did cheat, its hardly going to be the first and last time!

Two options. One, come clean and go from there.

Two, be selfish and go behind partners back.

bodice ripper

alphamule wrote: »

Like what other protections?

I'd like to see this answered as well.

Stereomaniac

In a perfect world, he would go with option one. I can't see it being easy, but it would be the "better" thing to do. However, I believe that the second option might present itself as being easier, on the surface. But these things are difficult to get out of when you get into them, if you have a conscience, and a true loyalty towards your family. So I think maybe he needs to talk to someone about this. I would put it up there with someone gambling in secret.

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

WOW you ever heard of condoms and other protection that's out there???

None of them 100% effective against stds

Stereomaniac

Yes but you would be foolish to let that be a reason not to use a condom if having sex with someone.

Caiseoipe19

vbman wrote: »

I have never, and really don't want to cheat. But is this niggling feeling not going to just keep getting worse and worse?

Like I said, I would love to explore this with my wife, but there is no way she would ever dream of it.

To the OP, I'd just like to say that while you might fear this niggly feeling playing on your mind, the impression I get from you is that if you did go out and cheat with a guy to alleviate the urge, is there a good chance that it will just be replaced with a niggly feeling of guilt? You seem like a decent guy with a conscience and as you said, you don't want to cheat, which is what leads me to think it might rest on your conscience.

I also fully agree with the people saying that your wife should at least consider options in bed. Perhaps though, she doesn't understand the importance of the issue and just brushed it off as a fleeting idea you had that isn't anything important? Any chance she'd change her mind if you explained the importance of it to you?

alphamule

Id like to consider myself open minded and would never judge a person on their sexuality.

But when your actions could have a lasting impact on the people you are meant to love then that is where you must draw the line.

I personally believe that we are probably not suited to spending our lives with just one person. We may be somewhat intelligent but we are still very primal. But by buying into marriage you sign up for certain obligations and if you genuinely love a person you would never dream of hurting them.

Is this different because the Op is longing for a man and not a woman? Are we meant to sympathise? It still causes the same damage.

vbman

Thanks for all the advice.
Time to sit down and take a good long hard look at myself and see what I come up with.

whatis12

alphamule wrote: »

Id like to consider myself open minded and would never judge a person on their sexuality.

But when your actions could have a lasting impact on the people you are meant to love then that is where you must draw the line.

I personally believe that we are probably not suited to spending our lives with just one person. We may be somewhat intelligent but we are still very primal. But by buying into marriage you sign up for certain obligations and if you genuinely love a person you would never dream of hurting them.

Is this different because the Op is longing for a man and not a woman? Are we meant to sympathise? It still causes the same damage.

The guy aint looking for sympathy , he's looking for advice on how he's feeling and thinking and he knows if his wife finds out then there will/could be high price thats all

jaffacakesyum

Can't agree with the posters who are saying the wife is being unreasonable about not performing certain sexual acts that may alleviate the OP's problem. Saying "it's not that difficult" to put on a strapon and peg your husband is ridiculous. She's obviously not comfortable with doing that. That's like saying a wife should take it up the ass from her husband to please him because "she's in a marriage, there should be compromise". Yes there should be compromise, but not to the extent where you're performing sexual acts you don't want to do. I would never make my partner do that, no less someone I've been married to for years.

I do think it's unfortunate she's unwilling to experiment as pegging might take away the OP's niggling feeling but that's the way it is. She would obviously be uncomfortable with a threesome too.

OP I do sympathise with you as I get the impression you are a good man and don't want to cheat on your wife. If that's the case, then you have two options - stick it out, bury the feelings and never do anything about it. Or, if you think the feelings are strong enough to risk your marrriage then you need to talk to her and say "look, I love you, but this isn't going away" and maybe you need to take a break.

Caiseoipe19

I thought the general idea wasn't that she was being unreasonable by not performing them, but rather for refusing point blank without even considering it. If, after taking the OP's and her own feelings about the act into consideration she refused, then that's perfectly understandable and she has every right. I'd have no problem with that at all.

baby and crumble

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

Can't agree with the posters who are saying the wife is being unreasonable about not performing certain sexual acts that may alleviate the OP's problem. Saying "it's not that difficult" to put on a strapon and peg your husband is ridiculous. She's obviously not comfortable with doing that. That's like saying a wife should take it up the ass from her husband to please him because "she's in a marriage, there should be compromise". Yes there should be compromise, but not to the extent where you're performing sexual acts you don't want to do. I would never make my partner do that, no less someone I've been married to for years.

I do think it's unfortunate she's unwilling to experiment as pegging might take away the OP's niggling feeling but that's the way it is. She would obviously be uncomfortable with a threesome too.

OP I do sympathise with you as I get the impression you are a good man and don't want to cheat on your wife. If that's the case, then you have two options - stick it out, bury the feelings and never do anything about it. Or, if you think the feelings are strong enough to risk your marrriage then you need to talk to her and say "look, I love you, but this isn't going away" and maybe you need to take a break.

Who said that she's being unreasonable for not doing the act? I just think it's not fair to refuse to even discuss ways to include something her husband is interested in.

I'd never make my partner do something she said no to, but I would find it unfair if she completely blanked it without thinking about it. I know I've been on the other end of something like this and it worked out ok in the end because we discussed it like adults.

floggg

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

Can't agree with the posters who are saying the wife is being unreasonable about not performing certain sexual acts that may alleviate the OP's problem. Saying "it's not that difficult" to put on a strapon and peg your husband is ridiculous. She's obviously not comfortable with doing that. That's like saying a wife should take it up the ass from her husband to please him because "she's in a marriage, there should be compromise". Yes there should be compromise, but not to the extent where you're performing sexual acts you don't want to do. I would never make my partner do that, no less someone I've been married to for years.

I do think it's unfortunate she's unwilling to experiment as pegging might take away the OP's niggling feeling but that's the way it is. She would obviously be uncomfortable with a threesome too.

OP I do sympathise with you as I get the impression you are a good man and don't want to cheat on your wife. If that's the case, then you have two options - stick it out, bury the feelings and never do anything about it. Or, if you think the feelings are strong enough to risk your marrriage then you need to talk to her and say "look, I love you, but this isn't going away" and maybe you need to take a break.

I would respectfully suggest you go back and reading the thread.

Nobody said said she had to do anything, just that she had to be willing to consider her husbands reasonable needs and requests.

I personally don't see the big deal with pegging (unlike receptive anal sex it doesn't hurt in anyway AFAIK) but if she has an issue with it, which can't be resolved after a mature and open conversation with her husband, then it would certainly be wrong to expect her to do it.

Czarcasm

floggg wrote: »

Nobody said said she had to do anything, just that she had to be willing to consider her husbands reasonable needs and requests.

That IS asking her to do something, and while you may consider her husband wanting to suck another guy off "a reasonable need and request", I would see such a request as completely unreasonable. Why should his wife have to be ok with the thought of him sucking another man off?

Earlier in the thread you called such thinking illogical. I would suggest that it's only illogical to you because it doesn't fit your particular logic.

I personally don't see the big deal with pegging (unlike receptive anal sex it doesn't hurt in anyway AFAIK) but if she has an issue with it, which can't be resolved after a mature and open conversation with her husband, then it would certainly be wrong to expect her to do it.

Again, YOU don't see an issue with pegging, but you're not this man's wife, and you mentioned how pegging would be empowering for her. What does it say about your logic when you think having a woman do something she doesn't want to do could be empowering for her? It's the exact opposite.

The guy wants to suck another mans dick off, and he would prefer if his wife were ok with that. I would suggest that given the way they've laughed and joked about it throughout this thread that the OP is in fact quite immature and perhaps didn't consider his wife's feelings when he was marrying her. The time for "open conversation" would've been when he was going out with her, at least then she would've had the opportunity to tell him get lost, and he would've had the opportunity to fulfill his "niggling fantasy".

Those people that say "it's only sex, it's no big deal", clearly have no idea of the power of the most powerful sexual organ in the human body - the human mind.

OP you want to suck a guy off and selfishly fulfill your own fantasies- don't expect that your wife should ever have to look at you in the same light ever again.

floggg

Czarcasm wrote: »

That IS asking her to do something, and while you may consider her husband wanting to suck another guy off "a reasonable need and request", I would see such a request as completely unreasonable. Why should his wife have to be ok with the thought of him sucking another man off?

Earlier in the thread you called such thinking illogical. I would suggest that it's only illogical to you because it doesn't fit your particular logic.





Again, YOU don't see an issue with pegging, but you're not this man's wife, and you mentioned how pegging would be empowering for her. What does it say about your logic when you think having a woman do something she doesn't want to do could be empowering for her? It's the exact opposite.

The guy wants to suck another mans dick off, and he would prefer if his wife were ok with that. I would suggest that given the way they've laughed and joked about it throughout this thread that the OP is in fact quite immature and perhaps didn't consider his wife's feelings when he was marrying her. The time for "open conversation" would've been when he was going out with her, at least then she would've had the opportunity to tell him get lost, and he would've had the opportunity to fulfill his "niggling fantasy".

Those people that say "it's only sex, it's no big deal", clearly have no idea of the power of the most powerful sexual organ in the human body - the human mind.

OP you want to suck a guy off and selfishly fulfill your own fantasies- don't expect that your wife should ever have to look at you in the same light ever again.

Dude, how about you go bank and read what was actually said, because it doesn't look like you have.

I never said she had to consider letting him he do anything with a third party - I was pretty clear on why.

I said I don't see an issue with pegging but if she can rightly say no. Just because I don't have an issue with something doesn't mean I can't understand why others might.

I didn't say she should find it empowering - I said it was one way of looking at it.

So please go back and read what was written before you get too high and mighty.

Czarcasm

floggg wrote: »

Dude, how about you go bank and read what was actually said, because it doesn't look like you have.

I never said she had to consider letting him he do anything with a third party - I was pretty clear on why.

I said I don't see an issue with pegging but if she can rightly say no. Just because I don't have an issue with something doesn't mean I can't understand why others might.

I didn't say she should find it empowering - I said it was one way of looking at it.

So please go back and read what was written before you get too high and mighty.

I'm not getting high and mighty about anything floggg now in all fairness. I DID read through the whole thread (I'd followed it all week and then read back on the thread again throughout today).

There were a load of posts in a 14 page thread I wanted to pick up on, but yours were at least the most consistent in suggesting that his wife should be open to considering her husbands, erm, "needs".

Do you in all honesty think the OP's wife would find pegging empowering when the OP had already stated that anything anal between them was off the table and clearly something she was uncomfortable with.

The OPs wife didn't sign up for anything to do with pegging her husband, she didn't sign up to marriage merely to fulfill her husbands sexual fantasies. If it had always been a niggling fantasy of his, perhaps the OP should've thought about fulfilling their sexual fantasies BEFORE they got married, rather than putting it on the long finger so to speak.

It's a bit late now in the day to be thinking about what they could've done before they were married. Them's the breaks. Marriage isn't just about compromises, it's about making sacrifices too, and sometimes we have to give up a lot for that which means more to us. The one thing nobody should ever be asked or expected to give up though is their dignity, and that is what the OP is asking his wife to give up if he pursues this ridiculous fantasy to the point of making it a reality.

jaffacakesyum

floggg wrote: »

I would respectfully suggest you go back and reading the thread.

Okey doke. Not going to read the whole thread again but your posts in particular stood out for me.

floggg wrote: »

I'm not advocating he cheats for the record but why is it only the OP who has to compromise.

I think the OPs wife isn't really holding up her side of the marriage bargain if there are things he flat out cannot discuss with her or that she isn't willing to compromise on.

I don't think her wearing a strap on us really that big an ask. She might not be into it but she should be willing to accommodate her husband to some extent.

I'm not trying to criticise her, but I think the obligations work both ways.

I think the second bolded part in particular stands out. It's not that big of a deal to you to wear a strapon but it obviously is to her. I don't think she should have to be willing to "accommodate her husband" to the extent that she's doing that.

I agree with you though about discussing matters and I know later on you go on to say if they discuss and she's still not comfortable with it then fine. And I agree with you. I just don't like the undertones of her not "holding up her side of the deal" or not "compromising" etc. etc. Marriage certainly requires compromise but people have different boundaries when it comes to sex. Pegging isn't a big deal to you but it obviously is to her.

Once again, I do think she should discuss with her husband why she's not comfortable with it but I guess some people are uncomfortable discussing these things which is why she flat out refuses. There are some things you just know you're not going to be willing to do so some might say what's the point in discussing? I would still do it out of respect for my partners wishes and to try and be as open and communicative as possible but to give an example of mine I know I will never be open to trying, for example, scat play. So I could a) outright refuse or b) discuss and still refuse. Both would end with the same result.

floggg

Czarcasm wrote: »

I'm not getting high and mighty about anything floggg now in all fairness. I DID read through the whole thread (I'd followed it all week and then read back on the thread again throughout today).

There were a load of posts in a 14 page thread I wanted to pick up on, but yours were at least the most consistent in suggesting that his wife should be open to considering her husbands, erm, "needs".

Do you in all honesty think the OP's wife would find pegging empowering when the OP had already stated that anything anal between them was off the table and clearly something she was uncomfortable with.

The OPs wife didn't sign up for anything to do with pegging her husband, she didn't sign up to marriage merely to fulfill her husbands sexual fantasies. If it had always been a niggling fantasy of his, perhaps the OP should've thought about fulfilling their sexual fantasies BEFORE they got married, rather than putting it on the long finger so to speak.

It's a bit late now in the day to be thinking about what they could've done before they were married. Them's the breaks. Marriage isn't just about compromises, it's about making sacrifices too, and sometimes we have to give up a lot for that which means more to us. The one thing nobody should ever be asked or expected to give up though is their dignity, and that is what the OP is asking his wife to give up if he pursues this ridiculous fantasy to the point of making it a reality.

I don't know how she'll find it, and it's irrelevant whether they do it or not.

All I said is that as a married couple they should be able to talk about their wants and needs and be open to at least considering them.

If you find the idea of asking a spouse to have a mature and open conversation about sex with their spouse to be unreasonable, then we have seriously different ideas about how marriage is supposed to work.

You talk about sacrifices and compromise. Do you really think asking a wife to just have an open minded conversation about sex is that big a sacrifice?

Czarcasm

On the presumption that the OP isn't a complete idiot, it should be fairly obvious to him why his wife would object to his fulfilling his sexual fantasy to perform oral sex on another man.

And for those that suggest using any form of artificial means to fulfill said fantasy like sucking on dildos or vibrators... yeah, because that's the same thing...

It's not even close. That'd be like telling a straight man using a fleshlight will be just as satisfying as a sexual encounter with a real woman.

floggg

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

Okey doke. Not going to read the whole thread again but your posts in particular stood out for me.



I think the second bolded part in particular stands out. It's not that big of a deal to you to wear a strapon but it obviously is to her. I don't think she should have to be willing to "accommodate her husband" to the extent that she's doing that.

I agree with you though about discussing matters and I know later on you go on to say if they discuss and she's still not comfortable with it then fine. And I agree with you. I just don't like the undertones of her not "holding up her side of the deal" or not "compromising" etc. etc. Marriage certainly requires compromise but people have different boundaries when it comes to sex. Pegging isn't a big deal to you but it obviously is to her.

Once again, I do think she should discuss with her husband why she's not comfortable with it but I guess some people are uncomfortable discussing these things which is why she flat out refuses. There are some things you just know you're not going to be willing to do so some might say what's the point in discussing? I would still do it out of respect for my partners wishes and to try and be as open and communicative as possible but to give an example of mine I know I will never be open to trying, for example, scat play. So I could a) outright refuse or b) discuss and still refuse. Both would end with the same result.

Sorry - I went on to clarify on a number of occassions that I did not mean she had to peg him, just have an open minded conversation.

And I think scat, blood, pain and adultery are things most people would agree that it's not reasonable to expect another to perform or consider.

floggg

Czarcasm wrote: »

On the presumption that the OP isn't a complete idiot, it should be fairly obvious to him why his wife would object to his fulfilling his sexual fantasy to perform oral sex on another man.

And for those that suggest using any form of artificial means to fulfill said fantasy like sucking on dildos or vibrators... yeah, because that's the same thing...

It's not even close. That'd be like telling a straight man using a fleshlight will be just as satisfying as a sexual encounter with a real woman.

Only one person suggested he cheat and it want me.

As you read the thread you'll have read the posts where I said that was a completely unreasonable request.

And surely it's for the OP to decide whether something artificial will scratch the itch. And for his wife to genuinely consider if its something she's willing to do.

jaffacakesyum

floggg wrote: »

Sorry - I went on to clarify on a number of occassions that I did not mean she had to peg him, just have an open minded conversation.

And I think scat, blood, pain and adultery are things most people would agree that it's not reasonable to expect another to perform or consider.

Ok fair enough, thanks for the clarification.

I was using scat as a bit of an extreme example because there is literally no compromise for me on that, wheras other things that I may not be into now I may compromise and try and end up enjoying. And that's fair enough. I think both parties in a relationship should discuss and try things like that. But when somebody says no, they mean no. I wouldn't think my partner is being unreasonable for not trying it. There was one girl I was dating with who refused to try something relatively mild by most lesbians standards, and that was fine, we had great sex without it anyway. I think mutual respect is hugely important and I would hate to think I had to do a sexual act I wasn't comfortable with just to "accommodate" my OH.

And I agree with the poster (might have been you flogg) who said sexual compatability should be sorted before marriage because it just leads to problems like this.

Czarcasm

floggg wrote: »

I don't know how she'll find it, and it's irrelevant whether they do it or not.

All I said is that as a married couple they should be able to talk about their wants and needs and be open to at least considering them.

If you find the idea of asking a spouse to have a mature and open conversation about sex with their spouse to be unreasonable, then we have seriously different ideas about how marriage is supposed to work.

You talk about sacrifices and compromise. Do you really think asking a wife to just have an open minded conversation about sex is that big a sacrifice?

It's not just an open minded conversation about sex though, is it? The OP has fantasies about performing oral sex on another man. What sane wife would want to hear that? Where does it stop? When is enough enough?

It throws up an infinite number of hypotheticals within the relationship that go way beyond "just" the physical act of sex. There are all manner of psychological issues involved too, and it's not simply a matter of -

Him: "I want to suck another man off"

Her: "That's nice dear".


That's just not reality. We can rationalise and logicise all we want here and have all manner of objective discussions around the idea, but in practice it's a totally different ball game.

Sometimes it's easier just to nip daft ideas in the bud and just say "No. It's not up for discussion". Keeps it simple and avoids a multitude of "But this, but that, what if this, what if that", etc.

As jaffa says, I wouldn't be into scat play, I don't have any wish to discuss it, because it's just not something I'd even be willing to entertain thinking about. That doesn't mean I'm incapable of a discussion about sex in a mature manner. It's just a particular sexual activity I have no wish to discuss.

This man's wife has no interest in discussing his fantasy about performing oral sex on a man. I think that's a reasonable stance, and I'm surprised the OP is failing to understand her position. That, to ME, is the immature perspective- "My wife doesn't want to indulge my fantasies, what do strangers think?".

Czarcasm

floggg wrote: »

Only one person suggested he cheat and it want me.

As you read the thread you'll have read the posts where I said that was a completely unreasonable request.

And surely it's for the OP to decide whether something artificial will scratch the itch. And for his wife to genuinely consider if its something she's willing to do.

See there's the thing- everyone has different standards or levels of what's reasonable and unreasonable. To one poster, cheating seemed reasonable; but to you, cheating seems unreasonable.

From the way the OP talks, do you think artificial means will scratch the itch? That would only work if the OP had fantasies about sucking a cucumber.

His wife has made her position clear about anal play, yet the OP seems to think her position is unreasonable. The OP is then surely pushing his luck with the "what if's" were he to express his desire to perform oral sex on another man.

His persistence will only drive a wedge between them if he keeps trying to get his wife to discuss something she has no desire to discuss. He should at least be mature enough to understand that much.

bodice ripper

If this was a gay man, whose bisexual long-term boyfriend had a niggly feeling about women - this is NOT the understanding conversation about "compromise" we would be having.

floggg

bodice ripper wrote: »

If this was a gay man, whose bisexual long-term boyfriend had a niggly feeling about women - this is NOT the understanding conversation about "compromise" we would be having.

Well there's not much point in a gay man wearing a strap-on.

But if my bf ever arrives him with a strap on vagina ill consider it.

if he wants breasts he just needs to feed me a little bit more unfortunately

floggg

Czarcasm wrote: »

This man's wife has no interest in discussing his fantasy about performing oral sex on a man. I think that's a reasonable stance, and I'm surprised the OP is failing to understand her position. That, to ME, is the immature perspective- "My wife doesn't want to indulge my fantasies, what do strangers think?".

How do to know, he hasn't asked her.

He doesn't feel he can even bring it up - which many of us feel isn't a good thing, that a conversation can't even be had.

bodice ripper

floggg wrote: »

Well there's not much point in a gay man wearing a strap-on.

But if my bf ever arrives him with a strap on vagina ill consider it.

if he wants breasts he just needs to feed me a little bit more unfortunately

What I meant was I think we would be talking far more about the pain this could cause the gay man.

Czarcasm

floggg wrote: »

Well there's not much point in a gay man wearing a strap-on.

But if my bf ever arrives him with a strap on vagina ill consider it.

if he wants breasts he just needs to feed me a little bit more unfortunately

Ahh floggg, I laughed, but tbf you're being a bit disingenuous. Look again at what the OP said in their opening post-

vbman wrote: »

Hi there,
First time poster here and before anyone says it. I know .. I'm married, I should be satisfied, stop being greedy, stop being a pr*ck. I've been telling myself that for years but the niggly feeling won't go away.

Anyway, like I said, very happily married with kids, but had this feeling that I would like to try something with another guy for years. My wife while very supportive in every other way would kill me if she knew I was even thinking about this. No idea if I should try to forget it, explore it, actually do something about it. Not particularly attracted to other guys but often get very turned on by the idea of having sexual experiences with them.

Any thoughts, opinions, suggestions?
And once again, I know I should be ashamed of myself.
Thanks

His wife isn't even aware of this fantasy as he knows already that even though she has been very supportive in every other way, on this one issue he doesn't feel she would support him. Well no shìt Sherlock.

He therefore has three choices -

Cheat on his wife with another man in order to fulfill his fantasy.

Separate from his wife and fulfill his fantasy.

Learn to accept that no human being has ever been born that doesn't have an unfulfilled fantasy of some sort and for those that do chase the fulfillment of their fantasies, there will always be that one fantasy or that one extra step they wanted to go that would push the envelope.


The third option would seem like the most reasonable and mature course of action.

Option one and two are non-starters apparently for the OP, and the fourth and fifth options of a threesome or open relationship are non starters for his wife.

The OP in this instance will have to sacrifice the fulfillment of a fantasy for the fulfillment he has from his wife. It may be a fantasy that'll never go away, but it's one that the OP will have to learn to accept exists rather than beat themselves up about it.