Happily married guy, but niggly feeling for years. Any advice?

floggg

alphamule wrote: »

I never criticised gay folk.

I never said you did.

However, there are many straight men who would be sexually attracted to or fixated on the penis for whatever reason, with necessarily having an attraction to the men they are attached to.

In many cases (but not all), these would be straight men attracted to M2F transsexuals, who are females who just happen to have a penis.

If the same penis was on a man they wouldn't be as attracted, as the male body and features don't necessarily attract them at all.

Whereas for most gay men, a penis itself isn't enough. A gay man wouldn't really be attracted to a penis on a female body. It's the male physique and features which excites him, not the cock.

whatis12

PucaMama wrote: »

she has a right to not consent to it. a marriage/relationship should have more to it than that. if shes really not into it then she shouldnt be punished by loseing her relationship. its not on. what if for example it was the wife that wanted to experience sex with another man and the husband said no? would he be being inconsiderate? can you not see how this looks.

Hold on i was commenting on your post about a sexual act between a husband and a wife and possible money not about her looking to have sex with another man. The conversation was about her using a strap on with him and her not wanting to do it so lets get the content right before letting me have it!!!! oh and if i have this conversation wrong please how me where i went wrong ok

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

Hold on i was commenting on your post about a sexual act between a husband and a wife and possible money not about her looking to have sex with another man. The conversation was about her using a strap on with him and her not wanting to do it so lets get the content right before letting me have it!!!! oh and if i have this conversation wrong please how me where i went wrong ok

but its still a sex act she might want yeah? he should consider it? talk about it? not just say no?

floggg

PucaMama wrote: »

she has a right to not consent to it. a marriage/relationship should have more to it than that. if shes really not into it then she shouldnt be punished by loseing her relationship. its not on. what if for example it was the wife that wanted to experience sex with another man and the husband said no? would he be being inconsiderate? can you not see how this looks.

There is a fundamental difference between refusing pegging and refusing a threesome or sex outside the marriage on that the latter two involve breaking the monogamous commitment made.

Not that there is anything wrong with couples who choose to have a non-monogamous relationship but that type of decision may fundamentally alter the nature of the relationship for better or for worse.


And it's not a case of either spouse being punished for not ranting to have sex. But sex is a major part of any relations or marriage, and it is difficult to maintain a relationship where there is a sexual incompatibility.

I think if you agree that you should remain faithful to one another for life, then you need to try and reasonable accommodate each others sexual wants and needs.

That doesn't mean you have to try or do everything they ask, but it does mean that you have to be open minded and willing to try and do something's for the others benefit.

In the same way you would be selfish for only wanting to watch the movies and TV program's you like and don't ever allow your partner to pick, your selfish if you are only willing to engage on sex on your own terms and not try and accommodate your partners needs.

If one spouse had a legitimate objection to something it's fine of they don't want to do as long as they explain themselves and try other things for their partners benefit instead.

A healthy marriage takes work and sacrifice on both sides. Sex is no different.

If one partner isn't willing to make a reasonable effort to accommodate the other, then I have little sympathy for them if the other decides to end things and try to find a relationship where mutual satisfaction is possible.

floggg

PucaMama wrote: »

but its still a sex act she might want yeah? he should consider it? talk about it? not just say no?

There is a fundamental difference. It alters the nature of their relationship and commitment.

If a couple agree to be monogamous then one each can expect a veto over any proposal to change it.

If a threesome is so important to her however then she should consider bringing the relationship to an end and seeking a polyamorous or non-monogamous relationship.

PucaMama

floggg wrote: »

There is a fundamental difference between refusing pegging and refusing a threesome or sex outside the marriage on that the latter two involve breaking the monogamous commitment made.

Not that there is anything wrong with couples who choose to have a non-monogamous relationship but that type of decision may fundamentally alter the nature of the relationship for better or for worse.


And it's not a case of either spouse being punished for not ranting to have sex. But sex is a major part of any relations or marriage, and it is difficult to maintain a relationship where there is a sexual incompatibility.

I think if you agree that you should remain faithful to one another for life, then you need to try and reasonable accommodate each others sexual wants and needs.

That doesn't mean you have to try or do everything they ask, but it does mean that you have to be open minded and willing to try and do something's for the others benefit.

In the same way you would be selfish for only wanting to watch the movies and TV program's you like and don't ever allow your partner to pick, your selfish if you are only willing to engage on sex on your own terms and not try and accommodate your partners needs.

If one spouse had a legitimate objection to something it's fine of they don't want to do as long as they explain themselves and try other things for their partners benefit instead.

A healthy marriage takes work and sacrifice on both sides. Sex is no different.

If one partner isn't willing to make a reasonable effort to accommodate the other, then I have little sympathy for them if the other decides to end things and try to find a relationship where mutual satisfaction is possible.

why is there this thing of "legitimate" reasons and having to explain themselves? why isnt "im just not comfortable with that" not acceptable any more? whats not a legitimate reason?

whatis12

PucaMama wrote: »

but its still a sex act she might want yeah? he should consider it? talk about it? not just say no?

Think of it this way , just say you went to your partner and asked them to perform a certain sexual act on you and they just turned around and said a straight out no, with out even thinking about it for you , would you not feel aggrieved that they wouldn't even think about it first before saying No??? And at least give what you want some consideration???

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

Think of it this way , just say you went to your partner and asked them to perform a certain sexual act on you and they just turned around and said a straight out no, with out even thinking about it for you , would you not feel aggrieved that they wouldn't even think about it first before saying No??? And at least give what you want some consideration???

some people are just like that id feel uncomfortable pushing it on them. plus who wants something done halfheartedly?

whatis12

exactly so would i but if i said it i would hope my other half would at least thin about what would maybe make me happy and if she didnt want to do it then i would be happy firstly that she at least gave it my idea some thought and secondly that after giving it the thought i would be happy that she wouldn't feel right or comfortable doing it and then the decision would be made but it would very very one sided if i had or she had an idea and either one of us just turned around and blankly said no out right, that to me would give an indication that the other half didnt care what i thought or felt but at least when they go and give it some thought then you know at least they do care about your thoughts even if it isnt what they want!

floggg

PucaMama wrote: »

why is there this thing of "legitimate" reasons and having to explain themselves? why isnt "im just not comfortable with that" not acceptable any more? whats not a legitimate reason?

Because just saying "no I don't like it so I don't want to try no matter for much you do" is selfish.

"Legitimate" may not be the best word but I think you should be able to voice a specific concern or objection and see if there is anything which could be done to with around it.

So for example if you thought wearing a fake penis would undermine your gender roles in the marriage, then if your husband couldn't convince you that it wouldn't be the case then you're entitled to say no.

But if you refuse to consider or discuss it, and have no so specific objection then lack of interest then your not making any effort to think of his needs which is selfish.

No one spouse should have control over a couples sex life (unless you're into a Dom/sub thing but that's another story).

PucaMama

floggg wrote: »

Because just saying "no I don't like it so I don't want to try no matter for much you do" is selfish.

"Legitimate" may not be the best word but I think you should be able to voice a specific concern or objection and see if there is anything which could be done to with around it.

So for example if you thought wearing a fake penis would undermine your gender roles in the marriage, then if your husband couldn't convince you that it wouldn't be the case then you're entitled to say no.

But if you refuse to consider or discuss it, and have no so specific objection then lack of interest then your not making any effort to think of his needs which is selfish.

No one spouse should have control over a couples sex life (unless you're into a Dom/sub thing but that's another story).

this i believe is important. she has said she doesnt want to do it. maybe shes uncomfortable with it who nos? so maybe he could try and think of something else to do, some other way of doing it that both can agree. and realise its not only her that needs to compromise.

i have a friend, her partner at the time wanted to try a certain sex act with her. she said no, she didint like it, wasnt comfortable with it etc. so he nagged and nagged her to do it. until she halfheartedly agreed to try it. she found he was being too rough with her so she told him to stop. he wouldnt. now you can say oh shes being selfish saying no. but wasnt he selfish to nag and nag and eventually hurt her like that. i no its an extreme example and i realy realy dont think anyone on here would go on like that but its just what came to mind.

whatis12

Hes a dick head then if she thought about it and decided that no it wasn't for her then he should have accepted it after all if she gave it the consideration it needed then he should have been happy with her decision, to me hes a bully.

OCorcrainn

You knew what getting married meant. Now you would risk your happy marriage and family for a romp or a threeway with someone else? What is wrong with you? The people that are encouraging you here should be ashamed of themselves.

If this was over in the Personal Issues forum every single one of them would have been banned.

whatis12

OCorcrainn wrote: »

You knew what getting married meant. Now you would risk your happy marriage and family for a romp or a threeway with someone else? What is wrong with you? The people that are encouraging you here should be ashamed of themselves.

If this was over in the Personal Issues forum every single one of them would have been banned.

Your entitled to your opinion but don't get getting on to the rest of us here about ours. This is 2013 not 1953 and things move on and people are more liberal and of course vocal in voicing their opinion and what they do, ok it may break the marriage vow but these days who really is going to really listen to a church who didn't do anything about its members beating and buggering children over the years????

floggg

OCorcrainn wrote: »

You knew what getting married meant. Now you would risk your happy marriage and family for a romp or a threeway with someone else? What is wrong with you? The people that are encouraging you here should be ashamed of themselves.

If this was over in the Personal Issues forum every single one of them would have been banned.

Who (bar one maybe) had encouraged him to cheat?

And do people in the PI forum ban you for just having an opinion?

floggg

PucaMama wrote: »

this i believe is important. she has said she doesnt want to do it. maybe shes uncomfortable with it who nos? so maybe he could try and think of something else to do, some other way of doing it that both can agree. and realise its not only her that needs to compromise.

i have a friend, her partner at the time wanted to try a certain sex act with her. she said no, she didint like it, wasnt comfortable with it etc. so he nagged and nagged her to do it. until she halfheartedly agreed to try it. she found he was being too rough with her so she told him to stop. he wouldnt. now you can say oh shes being selfish saying no. but wasnt he selfish to nag and nag and eventually hurt her like that. i no its an extreme example and i realy realy dont think anyone on here would go on like that but its just what came to mind.

That's not an extreme example, it's potentially rape. That example bears no correlation to what's being discussed.

I don't think you are actually reading any of this. If you are you are missing the part wherever keep saying that she's obliged to consider things, not to do them.

whatis12

I wonder who that "one" was???

floggg

whatis12 wrote: »

I wonder who that "one" was???

You, obviously.

whatis12

ha ha ha nice at least i'm being honest , your not even married or so you've said and you are here giving an opinion to someone who is, knows whats it like and is just trying to get some advice on what he could/should/would do about how he is feeling with the fantasy and being married to a girl he loves! but hey aint that life!

floggg

whatis12 wrote: »

ha ha ha nice at least i'm being honest , your not even married or so you've said and you are here giving an opinion to someone who is, knows whats it like and is just trying to get some advice on what he could/should/would do about how he is feeling with the fantasy and being married to a girl he loves! but hey aint that life!

You don't need to be married to form a view of cheating.

Anyway, you straights won't let me marry so you can't turn around and hold it against me when it suits!

whatis12

hey i didnt know you were gay and i dont care if you are either i have a gay cousin and she doent think like that she certainly wouldn't call us Straights and complain and she's engaged to get married next year i'm guessing your just a lonely guy who literally has no one full stop and you and in one of your earlier post you basically have no intention of getting married anyway, so dont go on to me about it now!

floggg

whatis12 wrote: »

hey i didnt know you were gay and i dont care if you are either i have a gay cousin and she doent think like that she certainly wouldn't call us Straights and complain and she's engaged to get married next year i'm guessing your just a lonely guy who literally has no one full stop and you and in one of your earlier post you basically have no intention of getting married anyway, so dont go on to me about it now!

It was a joke. Relax, some of my best friends are straight.

She's engaged for civil partnership. Marriage equality isn't here yet but hopefully within the next two years.

It's likely to come to a referendum and I'm sure you'll vote in favour of it, for your cousins same if not mine.

I said I'd never have a wife. Ill have a husband though. I already have an amazing candidate lined up for the job thank you very much!

And I do begrudgingly admire you for stating what is an unpopular opinion. Personally I don't believe monogamy is the only way to conduct a marriage but I do believe in only playing away from home with consent.

whatis12

ok lets us twon put and end to what we're on about , the bigger picture here that this guy wants to experience something, probably doesnt know how the woman he loves would take it , god for all we know she might be on for him to try it but we cant blame the guy asking or any of us on here for giving what we think could help him. I bet he's as straight as a dye but has always wondered what it would be like to sleep with the same sex, i dont know your story or when you realised that you were gay but if it was late maybe just maybe you slept with a woman, even once, i dont know, but if you had that pleasure then your know what he maybe going through but having a wife he loves and having these thoughts cant be helping the poor guy thats for sure, I dont have those thoughts of sleeping with a guy or having full sex with him but i have had guys suck me off in the course of a 3sum, not thats anything to be boasting about but when you experiment with and in sex things like these happen and i guess all this guy is wondering is has he missed out in not at least trying it once thats all!

baby and crumble

What a mental thread!

I don't think anyone here has said "yeah go on, cheat".

I don't think anyone has said "you should force her to peg you"

I don't think anyone has said anything along the lines of "she has to fulfill his every need".

What i do think is being said, and I certainly said it, is that it is unfair of one person to control a couples sex life by shutting down and not discussing it. Fine, if you discuss it and think about it and then decide something isn't for you, great. You've still been an adult and thought about your partner, not just yourself.

Long term relationships are about communication, compromise and sometimes putting someone else's needs above your own. Is it always good? No. Does everyone always like it? No. But it's still part of a loving relationship. God knows I've done it enough in the last 10 years and so has my GF!

You'll note that when the OP has spoken about his niggling feelings, he has always said he does not want to cheat. He came here looking for advice on how to deal with these feelings of same-sex attraction. We're simply trying to help him do that within the agreed definition of his relationship. We have offered him ways he could compromise and have some kind of experience with his wife that could help him work through/ experience these feelings without cheating. However his wife (by his account) has POINT BLANK REFUSED to even discuss it. No thinking, no trying to find a way around it. Just "no". That's not part of a loving, healthy, equal relationship.

Many men/ people don't feel comfortable with PDA's, or holding hands, or cuddling for long periods of time. And yet if a woman came in here and said "my boyfriend won't hold my hand, he refuses to and won't tell me why" I'd say most of us would think that was unreasonable. Yes, sex is more emotive for many people than holding hands, but not for everyone. Sometimes sex is just sex and not a big deal. So why make a big fuss about it?

Pawwed Rig

floggg wrote: »

That's not an extreme example, it's potentially rape.

Nothing potential about it.

Annasopra

OCorcrainn wrote: »

You knew what getting married meant. Now you would risk your happy marriage and family for a romp or a threeway with someone else? What is wrong with you? The people that are encouraging you here should be ashamed of themselves.

If this was over in the Personal Issues forum every single one of them would have been banned.

If you have a problem with posts please use the report post button

vbman

Thanks again for all the replies. Wasn't expecting such a big discussion.
I would be interested to know if all the people saying forget about it, suppress it, move on are female or a mix?
And if the people who are saying, she should talk about it, explore it etc. are male?
Purely from a sexist point of view. lol

Vojera

OP, do you think you could get your wife to read a bit of Dan Savage? His columns are great and he really emphasises communication and the fact that people have an obligation to at least consider their partner's needs before veto-ing them. It's a long shot, but he has definitely helped me to be more open and sex-positive in my relationship.

vbman

Thanks for the idea Vojera. Worth a try

baby and crumble

vbman wrote: »

Thanks again for all the replies. Wasn't expecting such a big discussion.
I would be interested to know if all the people saying forget about it, suppress it, move on are female or a mix?
And if the people who are saying, she should talk about it, explore it etc. are male?
Purely from a sexist point of view. lol

I'm female.