Happily married guy, but niggly feeling for years. Any advice?

floggg

PucaMama wrote: »

well its not what shes into, you should respect thats her preferences

I'm not advocating he cheats for the record but why is it only the OP who has to compromise.

I think the OPs wife isn't really holding up her side of the marriage bargain if there are things he flat out cannot discuss with her or that she isn't willing to compromise on.

I don't think her wearing a strap on us really that big an ask. She might not be into it but she should be willing to accommodate her husband to some extent.

I'm not trying to criticise her, but I think the obligations work both ways.

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

Can i ask every one here one thing................. how come the most normal thing between two human beings is totally frowned upon when married, lets face it sex between two people is the most natural thing humans can do but because of society and the church, who in the past have been accused of doing so much worse, say its a bad thing every one frowns upon it and it i mean having sex with someone the church says you have to stay with the rest of your life!!!! seems strange then that the church doesnt allow their own to marry also!!!!

:rolleyes: you cant blame the church for people not liking cheating. if he wants to sleep with a man, leave the wife first. or do you think he should have the best of both? happy family marriage nice house and job and then also off sleeping with another man? how would the op feel if the wife went off with another man? or is it just the men that should be allowed have the affairs?

whatis12

That i know but heres the other side, if that was to break his wife's heart and therefore he didnt to make her happy , what about his happiness??? should it not work both ways, should she not try to make him happy too, he was quite willing to try the strap on where that alone may have solved everything, ie him possibly having the experience of a man doing him and she wouldnt have to share him with anyone only herself?? I'm not saying that screwing someone else is right but i am asking why should he be a little unhappy to make sure shes happy?????? thats all!

PucaMama

floggg wrote: »

I'm not advocating he cheats for the record but why is it only the OP who has to compromise.

I think the OPs wife isn't really holding up her side of the marriage bargain if there are things he flat out cannot discuss with her or that she isn't willing to compromise on.

I don't think her wearing a strap on us really that big an ask. She might not be into it but she should be willing to accommodate her husband to some extent.

I'm not trying to criticise her, but I think the obligations work both ways.

id never have someone do something they are uncomfortable with with just for my enjoyment. his wife isnt there just to satisfy his every sexual desire.

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

That i know but heres the other side, if that was to break his wife's heart and therefore he didnt to make her happy , what about his happiness??? should it not work both ways, should she not try to make him happy too, he was quite willing to try the strap on where that alone may have solved everything, ie him possibly having the experience of a man doing him and she wouldnt have to share him with anyone only herself?? I'm not saying that screwing someone else is right but i am asking why should he be a little unhappy to make sure shes happy?????? thats all!

but its ok if shes unhappy/uncomfortable so he can be happy?

vbman

Oh dear, didn't mean for this to turn into an argument about the rights and wrongs of cheating.
Like I said before, I don't agree with cheating, I don't think any guy or girl should do it, no matter if they are straight, bisexual, gay or whatever. But it still doesn't stop the thoughts and ideas in someones head.

floggg

PucaMama wrote: »

:rolleyes: you cant blame the church for people not liking cheating. if he wants to sleep with a man, leave the wife first. or do you think he should have the best of both? happy family marriage nice house and job and then also off sleeping with another man? how would the op feel if the wife went off with another man? or is it just the men that should be allowed have the affairs?

Although probably not a runner here, you missed the third option which is reach an agreement with his wife to permit ses outside the marriage.

Plenty of people do have the best of both worlds with their spouses consent.

baby and crumble

floggg wrote: »

I'm not advocating he cheats for the record but why is it only the OP who has to compromise.

I think the OPs wife isn't really holding up her side of the marriage bargain if there are things he flat out cannot discuss with her or that she isn't willing to compromise on.

I don't think her wearing a strap on us really that big an ask. She might not be into it but she should be willing to accommodate her husband to some extent.

I'm not trying to criticise her, but I think the obligations work both ways.

I have to agree with you floggg. I think there has to be some kind of compromise here. If someone is unsatisfied, then it's up to both parties to work on the matter. He's not asking her for permission to go down to the BoilerHouse and have an orgy. Or even for permission to go off with one other guy.

At the end of the day, marriage is, above all else, a partnership. It's a team effort, and I know get really annoyed when people just flat out refuse to even discuss issues they're having with each other. Ok, not everyone is going to be able to bring themselves to try out every single little thing that their partner wants, but you have to try and meet each other half way.

I know from my POV even if I'm not totally into something that my partner is, I'll give it a go, and I end up really enjoying myself simply because I can see how much it means and how good it feels for the other person. You know?

Would it even be possible to get her talking about HER fantasies to get things moving? Everyone has them, maybe she needs to have the experience of letting hers out a bit more?

PucaMama

floggg wrote: »

Although probably not a runner here, you missed the third option which is reach an agreement with his wife to permit ses outside the marriage.

Plenty of people do have the best of both worlds with their spouses consent.

i wouldnt say his wife would go for that option i dont think i would anyway

seamus

whatis12 wrote: »

say its a bad thing every one frowns upon it and it i mean having sex with someone the church says you have to stay with the rest of your life

It's nothing to do with the church in reality. You voluntarily choose to marry the person, which for most people includes the clause that you don't go off with anyone else at the same time. Most people don't cheat because they think society frowns upon it, but because they know that to do so will hurt their partner.

Some marriages are open and happily allow this, whereas most don't. Humans are naturally quite insecure and resource hoarders, which is most likely why this "forsaking all others" notion appeared as part of the typical marriage.

If you don't have any problem with your partner having sex with others, then that's fine, but don't assume that everyone else is just following society's rules. You'll find that nobody will judge a man or a woman who has extramarital sex with their partner's consent.
They only judge those who go off and do it behind their partner's back because a person who will betray their partner is the most horrible individual you can find. If they're prepared to blatantly betray the one person they should have the most respect for, what else are they capable of?

floggg

PucaMama wrote: »

id never have someone do something they are uncomfortable with with just for my enjoyment. his wife isnt there just to satisfy his every sexual desire.

No, but sex is a big part of marriage.

I don't think she should do things which make her genuinely uncomfortable about I don't think wearing a strap on is that big a deal.

And as much as you say she shouldn't have to do so something she's uncomfortable with, why should the husband have to suppress his sexual needs or desires because she flat out refuses to entertain them?

Though I think (as a general point, not necessarily this case) it's important to establish sexual compatibility early in a relationship and ensure that each partner is willing to accommodate the others reasonable requests from time to time.

If not, then you will run into issues like this where there is a sexual disconnect which can ultimately cause major problems.

Edit - also, it's wider than just sex. A wife should be the one person a husband should be able to confide these things in.

loalae

Obviously compromise is the best case scenario. Op says wife won't compromise, does that justify him cheating? I don't think so. He then needs to make a choice about whether he can live without his fantasy coming true or live without his wife. Trying to have both without his wife knowing is a betrayal and imo scummy.

vbman

Baby and crumble. Thanks for the post.
I often try to get talking about her fantasies, we have enacted some of them which I really enjoyed. She has also enacted some of mine which I think and hope she enjoyed. But whenever it came to anything to do with anal for either of us, she flat out refused which I totally respected.
By the way, before people think we are sex mad, the fantasies were pretty light and tame in comparison to me being with a guy or 3somes or pegging or whatever.

whatis12

PucaMama wrote: »

:rolleyes: you cant blame the church for people not liking cheating. if he wants to sleep with a man, leave the wife first. or do you think he should have the best of both? happy family marriage nice house and job and then also off sleeping with another man? how would the op feel if the wife went off with another man? or is it just the men that should be allowed have the affairs?

I'm not blaming the church fully but they do have a hand in the way we, society, look at this. But at the end of the day we are only human and unless you are not the norm, no one is perfect, we all have our flaws and weaknesses, and thats how God if the church has anything to do here has made us! Believe me when i say that isnt only men who cheat i know of 2 of my wifes friend who regularly go away for a "spa" retreat and yes you guessed it have their fun and i know their hubbies have theirs and yes neither of them know the other is at it, strange as that might sound, and the only way i know is that my wife and i have told each other but to us thats their business lol but sex is a natural think to happen between 2 people and i dont care how long anyone tries to resist the urge one day they give in in a small way even if its just giving a friend a so call peck on the cheek good bye but actually making sure that every time it happens its not the cheek the kiss but the lips and a peck that should be only quick, isnt as quick as it should

PucaMama

floggg wrote: »

No, but sex is a big part of marriage.

I don't think she should do things which make her genuinely uncomfortable about I don't think wearing a strap on is that big a deal.

And as much as you say she shouldn't have to do so something she's uncomfortable with, why should the husband have to suppress his sexual needs or desires because she flat out refuses to entertain them?

Though I think (as a general point, not necessarily this case) it's important to establish sexual compatibility early in a relationship and ensure that each partner is willing to accommodate the others reasonable requests from time to time.

If not, then you will run into issues like this where there is a sexual disconnect which can ultimately cause major problems.

me or you might not think wearing one is a big deal but maybe she does? maybe the op has never approached this before and she feels its too sudden? he wasnt forced to marry a woman, but he did.

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

I'm not blaming the church fully but they do have a hand in the way we, society, look at this. But at the end of the day we are only human and unless you are not the norm, no one is perfect, we all have our flaws and weaknesses, and thats how God if the church has anything to do here has made us! Believe me when i say that isnt only men who cheat i know of 2 of my wifes friend who regularly go away for a "spa" retreat and yes you guessed it have their fun and i know their hubbies have theirs and yes neither of them know the other is at it, strange as that might sound, and the only way i know is that my wife and i have told each other but to us thats their business lol but sex is a natural think to happen between 2 people and i dont care how long anyone tries to resist the urge one day they give in in a small way even if its just giving a friend a so call peck on the cheek good bye but actually making sure that every time it happens its not the cheek the kiss but the lips and a peck that should be only quick, isnt as quick as it should

sorry, i dont agree, i dont think some day everyone gives in i think some people still value their relationships enough not to cheat.

vbman

Sorry to have opened up a can of worms here.

Trying to put it another way.
Do people think it's better to suppress the feelings and try to keep it as a fantasy, or try to act on it?

And if people think it's better to suppress it, have they any experience of suppressing fantasies and how do they go about it, and does it get harder or easier over time?

floggg

seamus wrote: »

It's nothing to do with the church in reality. You voluntarily choose to marry the person, which for most people includes the clause that you don't go off with anyone else at the same time. Most people don't cheat because they think society frowns upon it, but because they know that to do so will hurt their partner.

Some marriages are open and happily allow this, whereas most don't. Humans are naturally quite insecure and resource hoarders, which is most likely why this "forsaking all others" notion appeared as part of the typical marriage.

If you don't have any problem with your partner having sex with others, then that's fine, but don't assume that everyone else is just following society's rules. You'll find that nobody will judge a man or a woman who has extramarital sex with their partner's consent.
They only judge those who go off and do it behind their partner's back because a person who will betray their partner is the most horrible individual you can find. If they're prepared to blatantly betray the one person they should have the most respect for, what else are they capable of?

The church probably did have ashy influence in the forsaking all others. Mariou age started out as a polygamous property owning arrangement - the propert bring the wife and any resulting kids.

Men could definitely have others and I know in Roman times could at least have free reign with slaves outside marriage.

The forsaking all others is probably influenced by the Christianity's original opposition to divorce and view of sex as shameful and only to occur within marriage.


And people will unfortunately judge people who have extramarital sex in an open marriage.

They absolutely shouldn't. But they will

PucaMama

vbman wrote: »

Sorry to have opened up a can of worms here.

Trying to put it another way.
Do people think it's better to suppress the feelings and try to keep it as a fantasy, or try to act on it?

And if people think it's better to suppress it, have they any experience of suppressing fantasies and how do they go about it, and does it get harder or easier over time?

well i suppose its different in my relationship, we know and accept each others fantasies, we dont suppress them. in saying that, they are just that a fantasy nothing more.

vbman

Do you never get the urge to really act on the fantasy? And if you do, does it get harder to control the urge over time?

whatis12

PucaMama wrote: »

me or you might not think wearing one is a big deal but maybe she does? maybe the op has never approached this before and she feels its too sudden? he wasnt forced to marry a woman, but he did.

PucaMama, i dont know if you have ever worn a strap on and tbh that's your private life but we have used it on a few occasions and it,well the one we had, works both ways ie in her and him, and also as most women say the man doesnt know where the G spot is on a woman i an thinking the same about women not knowing where it is on a man,so heres it is if you or any other woman doesnt know, the most sensual psrt of a guy when he is having sex is actually his anus, not that they all want to have a strap on put up there but just for a woman to finger that area when their doing it brings on a guy big time, what i'm saying is that a strap on works both ways when they do it, and believe me they will both be pleasured immensely, and theres the old saying "dont knock it till you tried it" then if its not for either one of then so be it at least it was a mutual decision not one sided!

PucaMama

vbman wrote: »

Do you never get the urge to really act on the fantasy? And if you do, does it get harder to control the urge over time?

no see i no it sounds great in my imagination and i like it but the reality would be different

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

PucaMama, i dont know if you have ever worn a strap on and tbh that's your private life but we have used it on a few occasions and it,well the one we had, works both ways ie in her and him, and also as most women say the man doesnt know where the G spot is on a woman i an thinking the same about women not knowing where it is on a man,so heres it is if you or any other woman doesnt know, the most sensual psrt of a guy when he is having sex is actually his anus, not that they all want to have a strap on put up there but just for a woman to finger that area when their doing it brings on a guy big time, what i'm saying is that a strap on works both ways when they do it, and believe me they will both be pleasured immensely, and theres the old saying "dont knock it till you tried it" then if its not for either one of then so be it at least it was a mutual decision not one sided!

ok ok i get it thats enough info for me

vbman

How do you know the reality would be different?
If you can imagine it, you can do it??

whatis12

PucaMama wrote: »

no see i no it sounds great in my imagination and i like it but the reality would be different

how or why would it be different??

PucaMama

some things arent worth the complications or the fuss im happy how i am

whatis12

@December2012

Who is that for???

December2012

What about if you bought a vibrator for you and your wife to use, and during your play you took it in your mouth for a while? On the pretence of lubing it up for her if you don't want to go all out? Or talking about how good she is at giving head you would live to see what that feels like?

whatis12

PucaMama wrote: »

some things arent worth the complications or the fuss im happy how i am

But if its for both you and your hubby where is the complication and dont be embarrassed we're all here as adults

OldNotWIse

vbman wrote: »

Sorry to have opened up a can of worms here.

Trying to put it another way.
Do people think it's better to suppress the feelings and try to keep it as a fantasy, or try to act on it?

And if people think it's better to suppress it, have they any experience of suppressing fantasies and how do they go about it, and does it get harder or easier over time?

I am in an opposite situation to you. Happily going out with a woman and have "known" for a very long time that I am gay, yet lately I am having quite strong feelings for members of the opposite sex. Baffling and disturbing. I dont know yet what to do so cant help there but for what its worth, I think if my OH had feelings like this, I would prefer to know, rather than her cheating on me. I think a partner deserves honesty at least. She might support you, she might walk away. You might try new things together. But you wont know until then. Then again, plenty of people do suppress issues and life goes on...I think only you can know if you can move on with it or if it will become more consuming.

ps for what its worth, fantasies rarely live up to their own standard when played out! Fifty Shades has nothing on the shenanigans in my head, but real life is full of bits and wrinkles and morning breath and forgeting to cut toenails