Happily married guy, but niggly feeling for years. Any advice?

vbman

Hi there,
First time poster here and before anyone says it. I know .. I'm married, I should be satisfied, stop being greedy, stop being a pr*ck. I've been telling myself that for years but the niggly feeling won't go away.

Anyway, like I said, very happily married with kids, but had this feeling that I would like to try something with another guy for years. My wife while very supportive in every other way would kill me if she knew I was even thinking about this. No idea if I should try to forget it, explore it, actually do something about it. Not particularly attracted to other guys but often get very turned on by the idea of having sexual experiences with them.

Any thoughts, opinions, suggestions?
And once again, I know I should be ashamed of myself.
Thanks

seamus

You can't really help the way you feel tbh, it's not something to be ashamed of.

That said, your wife won't feel any less betrayed if you have a sexual encounter with a man rather than a woman. Even if it's as "innocent" as masturbating with another man, I think most spouses would feel betrayed that their spouse shared an intimate moment with someone else. So I certainly wouldn't be thinking of going down that road.

Perhaps broach it on the subject of sexual fantasies with your wife, maybe drop in the suggestion of a threesome, see what she thinks. She may be open to the idea, which gives you the opportunity to share this new experience together. She may shoot it down completely, in which case you just need to forget about it

vbman

Thanks for the reply Seamus.
Yeah I was thinking something along those lines alright.
I have tried to bring up the idea of a threesome without making it too obvious, but there's no way she would even contemplate it. Even scenes like that in a film will prompt her to change channels.
Let's hope I can forget it.
Thanks

Pawwed Rig

These are the things you give up when you get married. As a married man there are alot of things that I would have liked to have done with my life that I now know will not be possible. What you need to ask yourself is this experience you want worth more than your marriage? If it is then you need to have some serious conversations with your wife. If not then best not to entertain the idea. That does not mean that you cannot window shop.:)

A threesome can be a very destructive element in a relationship so I would tread with a good deal of caution here before broaching the subject or going ahead with it.

seamus

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

A threesome can be a very destructive element in a relationship so I would tread with a good deal of caution here before broaching the subject or going ahead with it.

Indeed, I would do a lot of reading online in relation to the best ways to bring it up and then if she's open to it, do a LOT of reading on the best way to go about setting it up for first-timers. With most things sexual in a relationship, experimentation works out OK even if one partner isn't that into whatever you're doing. When you start introducing more people into the mix though, it becomes more complicated. So both people need to be completely happy with the decision to try it before you even start trying to set it up.

Note; my advice could be a pile of crap, as it's not something I've ever done

vbman

I'm 99.9% sure the threesome idea would never be a runner with her which is a pity, because after lots of thought (and I mean lots .. lol) I have come to the conclusion that a threesome would be the best way for me to explore.
I guess I will have to just take Pawed rigs advise and window shop .. although that will just lead to more frustration.
Just wish I had these feelings before I got married so I could have got them out of my system then.
Sure you can't win them all.

whatis12

Hi, I have never had those thoughts towards another man and like you i am a happily married guy with kids, but when i say happily married i mean i am very happy to be married to my wife , i love her and the kids with every fiber of my being and i would literally die for them but a few years ago i had the feeling that i wanted to sleep with some one else and some a lot younger than me, i was 41 at the time. the chance came when a friend of mine's niece added me to her Facebook and let it be known she wanted to have an older guy in her bed, at first i thought she was just saying that because i had kinda flirted with her but it turned out she was very serious, so after a bit of planning i slept with her she was 19 , but believe me she didn't act it, and if you saw her out you would thing she was in her mid to late 20's. Anyway to cut a long story short, i had a 3 month affair, which i know some will think badly of me, but i slept with her about 15-20 times, the sex was amazing but it ended with both of us being satisfied, she is now happily married to her bf of then , i love my wife more and more everyday and are going to have another baby and i have the the thought so having a sex with a younger and in my case a much much younger woman out of my system and no one but no one but us knows about it, though i have to say that sometimes she brings it up, jokingly, when we are chatting on our own, but we both know it wont ever be acted upon again, so my advice is to, privately, go and do it , and hopefully after you do it will be satisfied once and for all ,hopefully! I know i was!

vbman

Thanks for that whatis .. but, way to confuse the issue even more. ha ha

Even if I was to decide to do something about it, like I said, I think a threesome is the way to go, I wouldn't have a clue how to go about finding a guy and girl for that.
All in all, more confused than ever, but again thanks for the replies.

whatis12

vbman wrote: »

Thanks for that whatis .. but, way to confuse the issue even more. ha ha

Even if I was to decide to do something about it, like I said, I think a threesome is the way to go, I wouldn't have a clue how to go about finding a guy and girl for that.
All in all, more confused than ever, but again thanks for the replies.

there are plenty of sites both paying and free online allowing you to fine bi guys and straight girls looking for just men to have sex with. I'll pm you with 1 or 2 names after that its up to you to fine them is that ok?

baby and crumble

Is it the being with a man element that intrigues you or the... physical difference of sex with a man? Because there are ways to experience that with your wife. Google 'pegging'. It may be a way to explore this with your wife within the boundaries of your marriage.

OldNotWIse

baby and crumble wrote: »

Is it the being with a man element that intrigues you or the... physical difference of sex with a man? Because there are ways to experience that with your wife. Google 'pegging'. It may be a way to explore this with your wife within the boundaries of your marriage.

Dying to know....

Terrified to google the P word at work...

fidgets at desk...

whatis12

baby and crumble wrote: »

Is it the being with a man element that intrigues you or the... physical difference of sex with a man? Because there are ways to experience that with your wife. Google 'pegging'. It may be a way to explore this with your wife within the boundaries of your marriage.

Now there's an option that could save you, if "Baby and crumble" is right in his or her thinking then that would save you a lot of frustration!

vbman

Ha ha .. Oldnotwise .. strap on .. would that be enough for you to know what it means?

I would love to try this with my wife, but again, like I said, while we have a healthy and active sex life, she is not and never has been into any kind of experimentation like this. We have discussed her using strap on but she flat out said no.

OldNotWIse

vbman wrote: »

Ha ha .. Oldnotwise .. strap on .. would that be enough for you to know what it means?

I would love to try this with my wife, but again, like I said, while we have a healthy and active sex life, she is not and never has been into any kind of experimentation like this. We have discussed her using strap on but she flat out said no.

gotcha

Relaxes, with back to the wall

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

there are plenty of sites both paying and free online allowing you to fine bi guys and straight girls looking for just men to have sex with. I'll pm you with 1 or 2 names after that its up to you to fine them is that ok?

i dont think the op wants to cheat on his wife? id say he doesnt want to betray her. not everyone is ok with living a lie like that.

vbman

I have never, and really don't want to cheat. But is this niggling feeling not going to just keep getting worse and worse?

Like I said, I would love to explore this with my wife, but there is no way she would ever dream of it.

fleet

Genuine question: How is this any different than a regular, married, 'fully straight' guy wanting to screw another woman?

I can't help get the feeling that you would get a far more vitriolic, right-on, boards.ie roasting for suggesting this as a straight man.

Is there an angle I'm not seeing?

PucaMama

fleet wrote: »

Genuine question: How is this any different than a regular, married, 'fully straight' guy wanting to screw another woman?

I can't help get the feeling that you would get a far more vitriolic, right-on, boards.ie roasting for suggesting this as a straight man.

Is there an angle I'm not seeing?

i no i see it as no different. i dont think his wife would either.

PucaMama

vbman wrote: »

I have never, and really don't want to cheat. But is this niggling feeling not going to just keep getting worse and worse?

Like I said, I would love to explore this with my wife, but there is no way she would ever dream of it.

can you not just keep it as a fantasy? is there any need to risk your relationship over it?

Rick_

vbman wrote: »

I would love to try this with my wife, but again, like I said, while we have a healthy and active sex life, she is not and never has been into any kind of experimentation like this. We have discussed her using strap on but she flat out said no.

Perhaps this should be something you try and push with her a bit more, if you'll forgive the expression!

How about explaining that it's something you'd love to try, you'd like to experiment and be a bit more sexually adventurous with her and see if anything comes from it.

Is it the act of being penetrated anally you wish to experience or actually being with another man physically? If you think that being penetrated is enough on it's own to satisfy your curiosity, you could obtain a dildo or improvise with an array of household objects with a condom over them the next time you are on your own for a while.

vbman

By the way, I see it as no different as having an affair with a woman either. Cheating is cheating.

Just looking for opinions.

I've been trying to think of it as a fantasy, but the more you try to think of it that way, the more you think about it when you shouldn't. Ah sure it's just how a guy's brain works. ha ha

whatis12

fleet wrote: »

Genuine question: How is this any different than a regular, married, 'fully straight' guy wanting to screw another woman?

I can't help get the feeling that you would get a far more vitriolic, right-on, boards.ie roasting for suggesting this as a straight man.

Is there an angle I'm not seeing?

I wonder is it because that a married guy wanting to screw another guy would be seen as worse than if he screwed another woman, i dont think wanting to try a gay relationship when your married to a hot woman and have kids is looked highly upon lol not that screwing and another woman is either but screwing a woman is more the norm than screwing a man!

vbman

In reply to Paddy C.
When she has an opinion, it's next to impossible to change it.
Being honest, without being too graphic on here the main act I fantasise about is sucking a guy, the penetration I'm not even sure I would do .. probably if things got heated enough.

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

I wonder is it because that a married guy wanting to screw another guy would be seen as worse than if he screwed another woman, i dont think wanting to try a gay relationship when your married to a hot woman and have kids is looked highly upon lol not that screwing and another woman is either but screwing a woman is more the norm than screwing a man!

either way its a pretty scummy thing to do

vbman

In reply to whatis ..
Sure being the "Norm" is boring. lol

PucaMama

vbman wrote: »

In reply to Paddy C.
When she has an opinion, it's next to impossible to change it.
Being honest, without being too graphic on here the main act I fantasise about is sucking a guy, the penetration I'm not even sure I would do .. probably if things got heated enough.

well its not what shes into, you should respect thats her preferences

vbman

Pucamama .. I do respect it, that's why I won't try to change her mind.

fleet

At least your not deluding yourself OP. No harm being honest with yourself, nor should there be here.

I guess I meant my post as a general observation on how society's hypocritical view on "poor gay man trapped in a straight marriage" v. "cheating scumbag basta*d wants to screw around".

whatis12

PucaMama wrote: »

either way its a pretty scummy thing to do

Can i ask every one here one thing................. how come the most normal thing between two human beings is totally frowned upon when married, lets face it sex between two people is the most natural thing humans can do but because of society and the church, who in the past have been accused of doing so much worse, say its a bad thing every one frowns upon it and it i mean having sex with someone the church says you have to stay with the rest of your life!!!! seems strange then that the church doesnt allow their own to marry also!!!!

loalae

Having sex isn't scummy, betraying a partner is.

Pawwed Rig

whatis12 wrote: »

Can i ask every one here one thing................. how come the most normal thing between two human beings is totally frowned upon when married,

Because it will break his wife's heart

floggg

PucaMama wrote: »

well its not what shes into, you should respect thats her preferences

I'm not advocating he cheats for the record but why is it only the OP who has to compromise.

I think the OPs wife isn't really holding up her side of the marriage bargain if there are things he flat out cannot discuss with her or that she isn't willing to compromise on.

I don't think her wearing a strap on us really that big an ask. She might not be into it but she should be willing to accommodate her husband to some extent.

I'm not trying to criticise her, but I think the obligations work both ways.

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

Can i ask every one here one thing................. how come the most normal thing between two human beings is totally frowned upon when married, lets face it sex between two people is the most natural thing humans can do but because of society and the church, who in the past have been accused of doing so much worse, say its a bad thing every one frowns upon it and it i mean having sex with someone the church says you have to stay with the rest of your life!!!! seems strange then that the church doesnt allow their own to marry also!!!!

:rolleyes: you cant blame the church for people not liking cheating. if he wants to sleep with a man, leave the wife first. or do you think he should have the best of both? happy family marriage nice house and job and then also off sleeping with another man? how would the op feel if the wife went off with another man? or is it just the men that should be allowed have the affairs?

whatis12

That i know but heres the other side, if that was to break his wife's heart and therefore he didnt to make her happy , what about his happiness??? should it not work both ways, should she not try to make him happy too, he was quite willing to try the strap on where that alone may have solved everything, ie him possibly having the experience of a man doing him and she wouldnt have to share him with anyone only herself?? I'm not saying that screwing someone else is right but i am asking why should he be a little unhappy to make sure shes happy?????? thats all!

PucaMama

floggg wrote: »

I'm not advocating he cheats for the record but why is it only the OP who has to compromise.

I think the OPs wife isn't really holding up her side of the marriage bargain if there are things he flat out cannot discuss with her or that she isn't willing to compromise on.

I don't think her wearing a strap on us really that big an ask. She might not be into it but she should be willing to accommodate her husband to some extent.

I'm not trying to criticise her, but I think the obligations work both ways.

id never have someone do something they are uncomfortable with with just for my enjoyment. his wife isnt there just to satisfy his every sexual desire.

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

That i know but heres the other side, if that was to break his wife's heart and therefore he didnt to make her happy , what about his happiness??? should it not work both ways, should she not try to make him happy too, he was quite willing to try the strap on where that alone may have solved everything, ie him possibly having the experience of a man doing him and she wouldnt have to share him with anyone only herself?? I'm not saying that screwing someone else is right but i am asking why should he be a little unhappy to make sure shes happy?????? thats all!

but its ok if shes unhappy/uncomfortable so he can be happy?

vbman

Oh dear, didn't mean for this to turn into an argument about the rights and wrongs of cheating.
Like I said before, I don't agree with cheating, I don't think any guy or girl should do it, no matter if they are straight, bisexual, gay or whatever. But it still doesn't stop the thoughts and ideas in someones head.

floggg

PucaMama wrote: »

:rolleyes: you cant blame the church for people not liking cheating. if he wants to sleep with a man, leave the wife first. or do you think he should have the best of both? happy family marriage nice house and job and then also off sleeping with another man? how would the op feel if the wife went off with another man? or is it just the men that should be allowed have the affairs?

Although probably not a runner here, you missed the third option which is reach an agreement with his wife to permit ses outside the marriage.

Plenty of people do have the best of both worlds with their spouses consent.

baby and crumble

floggg wrote: »

I'm not advocating he cheats for the record but why is it only the OP who has to compromise.

I think the OPs wife isn't really holding up her side of the marriage bargain if there are things he flat out cannot discuss with her or that she isn't willing to compromise on.

I don't think her wearing a strap on us really that big an ask. She might not be into it but she should be willing to accommodate her husband to some extent.

I'm not trying to criticise her, but I think the obligations work both ways.

I have to agree with you floggg. I think there has to be some kind of compromise here. If someone is unsatisfied, then it's up to both parties to work on the matter. He's not asking her for permission to go down to the BoilerHouse and have an orgy. Or even for permission to go off with one other guy.

At the end of the day, marriage is, above all else, a partnership. It's a team effort, and I know get really annoyed when people just flat out refuse to even discuss issues they're having with each other. Ok, not everyone is going to be able to bring themselves to try out every single little thing that their partner wants, but you have to try and meet each other half way.

I know from my POV even if I'm not totally into something that my partner is, I'll give it a go, and I end up really enjoying myself simply because I can see how much it means and how good it feels for the other person. You know?

Would it even be possible to get her talking about HER fantasies to get things moving? Everyone has them, maybe she needs to have the experience of letting hers out a bit more?

PucaMama

floggg wrote: »

Although probably not a runner here, you missed the third option which is reach an agreement with his wife to permit ses outside the marriage.

Plenty of people do have the best of both worlds with their spouses consent.

i wouldnt say his wife would go for that option i dont think i would anyway

seamus

whatis12 wrote: »

say its a bad thing every one frowns upon it and it i mean having sex with someone the church says you have to stay with the rest of your life

It's nothing to do with the church in reality. You voluntarily choose to marry the person, which for most people includes the clause that you don't go off with anyone else at the same time. Most people don't cheat because they think society frowns upon it, but because they know that to do so will hurt their partner.

Some marriages are open and happily allow this, whereas most don't. Humans are naturally quite insecure and resource hoarders, which is most likely why this "forsaking all others" notion appeared as part of the typical marriage.

If you don't have any problem with your partner having sex with others, then that's fine, but don't assume that everyone else is just following society's rules. You'll find that nobody will judge a man or a woman who has extramarital sex with their partner's consent.
They only judge those who go off and do it behind their partner's back because a person who will betray their partner is the most horrible individual you can find. If they're prepared to blatantly betray the one person they should have the most respect for, what else are they capable of?

floggg

PucaMama wrote: »

id never have someone do something they are uncomfortable with with just for my enjoyment. his wife isnt there just to satisfy his every sexual desire.

No, but sex is a big part of marriage.

I don't think she should do things which make her genuinely uncomfortable about I don't think wearing a strap on is that big a deal.

And as much as you say she shouldn't have to do so something she's uncomfortable with, why should the husband have to suppress his sexual needs or desires because she flat out refuses to entertain them?

Though I think (as a general point, not necessarily this case) it's important to establish sexual compatibility early in a relationship and ensure that each partner is willing to accommodate the others reasonable requests from time to time.

If not, then you will run into issues like this where there is a sexual disconnect which can ultimately cause major problems.

Edit - also, it's wider than just sex. A wife should be the one person a husband should be able to confide these things in.

loalae

Obviously compromise is the best case scenario. Op says wife won't compromise, does that justify him cheating? I don't think so. He then needs to make a choice about whether he can live without his fantasy coming true or live without his wife. Trying to have both without his wife knowing is a betrayal and imo scummy.

vbman

Baby and crumble. Thanks for the post.
I often try to get talking about her fantasies, we have enacted some of them which I really enjoyed. She has also enacted some of mine which I think and hope she enjoyed. But whenever it came to anything to do with anal for either of us, she flat out refused which I totally respected.
By the way, before people think we are sex mad, the fantasies were pretty light and tame in comparison to me being with a guy or 3somes or pegging or whatever.

whatis12

PucaMama wrote: »

:rolleyes: you cant blame the church for people not liking cheating. if he wants to sleep with a man, leave the wife first. or do you think he should have the best of both? happy family marriage nice house and job and then also off sleeping with another man? how would the op feel if the wife went off with another man? or is it just the men that should be allowed have the affairs?

I'm not blaming the church fully but they do have a hand in the way we, society, look at this. But at the end of the day we are only human and unless you are not the norm, no one is perfect, we all have our flaws and weaknesses, and thats how God if the church has anything to do here has made us! Believe me when i say that isnt only men who cheat i know of 2 of my wifes friend who regularly go away for a "spa" retreat and yes you guessed it have their fun and i know their hubbies have theirs and yes neither of them know the other is at it, strange as that might sound, and the only way i know is that my wife and i have told each other but to us thats their business lol but sex is a natural think to happen between 2 people and i dont care how long anyone tries to resist the urge one day they give in in a small way even if its just giving a friend a so call peck on the cheek good bye but actually making sure that every time it happens its not the cheek the kiss but the lips and a peck that should be only quick, isnt as quick as it should

PucaMama

floggg wrote: »

No, but sex is a big part of marriage.

I don't think she should do things which make her genuinely uncomfortable about I don't think wearing a strap on is that big a deal.

And as much as you say she shouldn't have to do so something she's uncomfortable with, why should the husband have to suppress his sexual needs or desires because she flat out refuses to entertain them?

Though I think (as a general point, not necessarily this case) it's important to establish sexual compatibility early in a relationship and ensure that each partner is willing to accommodate the others reasonable requests from time to time.

If not, then you will run into issues like this where there is a sexual disconnect which can ultimately cause major problems.

me or you might not think wearing one is a big deal but maybe she does? maybe the op has never approached this before and she feels its too sudden? he wasnt forced to marry a woman, but he did.

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

I'm not blaming the church fully but they do have a hand in the way we, society, look at this. But at the end of the day we are only human and unless you are not the norm, no one is perfect, we all have our flaws and weaknesses, and thats how God if the church has anything to do here has made us! Believe me when i say that isnt only men who cheat i know of 2 of my wifes friend who regularly go away for a "spa" retreat and yes you guessed it have their fun and i know their hubbies have theirs and yes neither of them know the other is at it, strange as that might sound, and the only way i know is that my wife and i have told each other but to us thats their business lol but sex is a natural think to happen between 2 people and i dont care how long anyone tries to resist the urge one day they give in in a small way even if its just giving a friend a so call peck on the cheek good bye but actually making sure that every time it happens its not the cheek the kiss but the lips and a peck that should be only quick, isnt as quick as it should

sorry, i dont agree, i dont think some day everyone gives in i think some people still value their relationships enough not to cheat.

vbman

Sorry to have opened up a can of worms here.

Trying to put it another way.
Do people think it's better to suppress the feelings and try to keep it as a fantasy, or try to act on it?

And if people think it's better to suppress it, have they any experience of suppressing fantasies and how do they go about it, and does it get harder or easier over time?

floggg

seamus wrote: »

It's nothing to do with the church in reality. You voluntarily choose to marry the person, which for most people includes the clause that you don't go off with anyone else at the same time. Most people don't cheat because they think society frowns upon it, but because they know that to do so will hurt their partner.

Some marriages are open and happily allow this, whereas most don't. Humans are naturally quite insecure and resource hoarders, which is most likely why this "forsaking all others" notion appeared as part of the typical marriage.

If you don't have any problem with your partner having sex with others, then that's fine, but don't assume that everyone else is just following society's rules. You'll find that nobody will judge a man or a woman who has extramarital sex with their partner's consent.
They only judge those who go off and do it behind their partner's back because a person who will betray their partner is the most horrible individual you can find. If they're prepared to blatantly betray the one person they should have the most respect for, what else are they capable of?

The church probably did have ashy influence in the forsaking all others. Mariou age started out as a polygamous property owning arrangement - the propert bring the wife and any resulting kids.

Men could definitely have others and I know in Roman times could at least have free reign with slaves outside marriage.

The forsaking all others is probably influenced by the Christianity's original opposition to divorce and view of sex as shameful and only to occur within marriage.


And people will unfortunately judge people who have extramarital sex in an open marriage.

They absolutely shouldn't. But they will

PucaMama

vbman wrote: »

Sorry to have opened up a can of worms here.

Trying to put it another way.
Do people think it's better to suppress the feelings and try to keep it as a fantasy, or try to act on it?

And if people think it's better to suppress it, have they any experience of suppressing fantasies and how do they go about it, and does it get harder or easier over time?

well i suppose its different in my relationship, we know and accept each others fantasies, we dont suppress them. in saying that, they are just that a fantasy nothing more.

vbman

Do you never get the urge to really act on the fantasy? And if you do, does it get harder to control the urge over time?