Happily married guy, but niggly feeling for years. Any advice?

PucaMama

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I am in an opposite situation to you. Happily going out with a woman and have "known" for a very long time that I am gay, yet lately I am having quite strong feelings for members of the opposite sex. Baffling and disturbing. I dont know yet what to do so cant help there but for what its worth, I think if my OH had feelings like this, I would prefer to know, rather than her cheating on me. I think a partner deserves honesty at least. She might support you, she might walk away. You might try new things together. But you wont know until then. Then again, plenty of people do suppress issues and life goes on...I think only you can know if you can move on with it or if it will become more consuming.

ps for what its worth, fantasies rarely live up to their own standard when played out! Fifty Shades has nothing on the shenanigans in my head, but real life is full of bits and wrinkles and morning breath and forgeting to cut toenails

couldnt agree more

keithsfleet

I find it hard to believe someone condoning an affair when kids are involved.
My dad had an affair while he had kids aged 7, 10, 15 and 19.
My mum found him out and threw him out, he set up shop with the woman he was having an affair with and nearly 17 years later he has little to no relationship with his kids.
Myself and my sister found it the worst as we were youngest and took us a long time to come to terms with it.

OP if you have these feelings say it to your wife. You married her because she's you're "life partner" / "sole mate" etc etc.
If you fell out of love with her you would feel like you have to say something to her even if out of loyalty.

Don't go the route of doing things behind her back, think of you're children and how it will affect them.

Talk to your wife about it if your fantasies aren't being satisfied by masturbation. She might like the idea of spicing up the sex life. Introduce toys to the equation and slowly bring up the idea of her using them on you.

floggg

OP I won't say to cheat, but whether or not you can "suppress" the feelings will depend on what exactly they are and how hard you hold them.

If you still identify as straight, and it's only the idea of giving head that excites you then I think it's a fantasy/kink which I think you can probably live without acting out.

It would be good be able to discuss it with your wife and maybe incorporate it into your sex life a bit but that may or may not be possible (if its a fantasy then it might be the idea of "role reversal" or some sort of submissive act in blowing a guy which appels to you, rather than the clock itself so perhaps "blowing" your wife while she wore a strap on could work).

If its an orientation thing - if you think you might be gay or bisexual and perhaps desire general physical and/or emotional intimacy with men in way which transcends just some form of "penis fetish" then it might be harder to suppress.

Certainly if you thought you were gay anyway. If you were to identify you wouldn't necessarily need to act on it but it might get to you eventually if you can't open up and discuss it with somebody.

Obviously being able to discuss how you were feeling with your wife would help at that stage if you ever got to it but that unfortunately might not be a runner from what you say.

whatis12

keithsfleet wrote: »

I find it hard to believe someone condoning an affair when kids are involved.
My dad had an affair while he had kids aged 7, 10, 15 and 19.
My mum found him out and threw him out, he set up shop with the woman he was having an affair with and nearly 17 years later he has little to no relationship with his kids.
Myself and my sister found it the worst as we were youngest and took us a long time to come to terms with it.

OP if you have these feelings say it to your wife. You married her because she's you're "life partner" / "sole mate" etc etc.
If you fell out of love with her you would feel like you have to say something to her even if out of loyalty.

Don't go the route of doing things behind her back, think of you're children and how it will affect them.

Talk to your wife about it if your fantasies aren't being satisfied by masturbation. She might like the idea of spicing up the sex life. Introduce toys to the equation and slowly bring up the idea of her using them on you.

No is condoning an affair he asked about having his fantasy of being with another man , sexually, just once and we are here trying to give him some advice, good or bad as it maybe but its just advice, as for your dad he was an asshole to have done what he did to ye after all he could have left and still been a good father to ye or was there more to it when it all came out??? We think here that if VBMAN had his one fantasy it would get it out of his system and therefore go back to the wife he still loves and that would be that after all when one gets married we call it settling down does that also mean that person we married was the one we just "settled" for at the time ???? Married life is hard enough these believe me or if your married then you should know!

floggg

whatis12 wrote: »

No is condoning an affair he asked about having his fantasy of being with another man , sexually, just once and we are here trying to give him some advice, good or bad as it maybe but its just advice, as for your dad he was an asshole to have done what he did to ye after all he could have left and still been a good father to ye or was there more to it when it all came out??? We think here that if VBMAN had his one fantasy it would get it out of his system and therefore go back to the wife he still loves and that would be that after all when one gets married we call it settling down does that also mean that person we married was the one we just "settled" for at the time ???? Married life is hard enough these believe me or if your married then you should know!

YOU think if he gets it out of his system etc...

There are arguments that some times cheating is the less cruel thing to do. I don't think that's the case here

whatis12

floggg wrote: »

YOU think if he gets it out of his system etc...

There are arguments that some times cheating is the less cruel thing to do. I don't think that's the case here

I'm no expert i'm just saying what i think as are you and all others here and yes maybe your right and i'm wrong but maybe i'm right and your wrong i dont thin its easy for him either way.... do you????

vbman

Thanks for all the replies.
Can hardly keep up.
I still don't get why acting out a fantasy can't be as good as it is in your imagination .. it has always been better where we have tried.
That might be a bad thing. I might be better off if the fantasies we tried turned out to be awful, then I could easily keep this as a fantasy

bodice ripper

floggg wrote: »

I don't think she should do things which make her genuinely uncomfortable about I don't think wearing a strap on is that big a deal.

But then you have a cock, right? It might be tough for you to see how and why that might make someone uncomfortable...

vbman

I really don't want to make her feel uncomfortable in any way so I doubt I will be bringing up the strap on idea again because I know it would make her feel that way.
Still doesn't solve the problem though. lol

floggg

bodice ripper wrote: »

But then you have a cock, right? It might be tough for you to see how and why that might make someone uncomfortable...

I would have thought the ones with an actual cock would have the harder time accepting the idea of having to wear a fake one!

You strap it on and thrust. Don't see how it's that big a deal.

Now if the wife has a genuine reason why it makes her uncomfortable then that's fine if she explains why and is otherwise reasonably willing to attempt to accommodate other sexual desires/fantasies which don't necessarily always excite her.

But if its a case of "no" without any attempt to be open minded or any specific objection other than lack of interest or it being "non-traditional" then I think it's a tad selfish.

I think it's implicit in asking somebody to commit to sexual monogamy that you agree to make reasonable endeavours to satisfy their sexual needs and desires.

bodice ripper

floggg wrote: »

I would have thought the ones with an actual cock would have the harder time accepting the idea of having to wear a fake one!

You strap it on and thrust. Don't see how it's that big a deal.

Now if the wife has a genuine reason why it makes her uncomfortable then that's fine if she explains why and is otherwise reasonably willing to attempt to accommodate other sexual desires/fantasies which don't necessarily always excite her.

But if its a case of "no" without any attempt to be open minded or any specific objection other than lack of interest or it being "non-traditional" then I think it's a tad selfish.

I think it's implicit in asking somebody to commit to sexual monogamy that you agree to make reasonable endeavours to satisfy their sexual needs and desires.

you can't possibly see how that might make a woman feel uncomfortable, or at the very least sexually unappealing?

OldNotWIse

floggg wrote: »

I would have thought the ones with an actual cock would have the harder time accepting the idea of having to wear a fake one!

You strap it on and thrust. Don't see how it's that big a deal.

Now if the wife has a genuine reason why it makes her uncomfortable then that's fine if she explains why and is otherwise reasonably willing to attempt to accommodate other sexual desires/fantasies which don't necessarily always excite her.

But if its a case of "no" without any attempt to be open minded or any specific objection other than lack of interest or it being "non-traditional" then I think it's a tad selfish.

I think it's implicit in asking somebody to commit to sexual monogamy that you agree to make reasonable endeavours to satisfy their sexual needs and desires.

True, there is a school of thought that we are not really even designed to be monogamous, so spicing things up is definitely a good idea. I've lost track of the amount of times I've found myself half-jarred, in the dark, struggling with strings, weird "hook and eye" fastenings and hold up-push-in-leave out bullsh1t paraphernalia, while shouting, "hang on a sec!!" and actually falling off shoes

whatis12

whats sexually appealing to one woman is not sexually appealing to another and that goes for men too so the appealing part of your statement really should come into play here, after all his wife may not like strap on because she may thing that that's the man part in the relationship or hes the one with the cock and all that where as other women like to dominate the men and like the whole idea that they get to do the guy and have him just lie there and take it!!

floggg

bodice ripper wrote: »

you can't possibly see how that might make a woman feel uncomfortable, or at the very least sexually unappealing?

I can see how it could, but only as a result of warped logic.

I think clear communication is needed for these things, but that's the case for exploring any fantasy.

Now it's complicated because the OP isn't really sure what the source of his feelings it desires are.

From what I understand about straight guys being pegged or even wanting to suck cock, it's a submission and role reversal thing rather than any sort of homosexual thing.

Certainly with pegging, I think part of the thrill is "submitting" to and being "doninated" by a woman.

In that sense it should be empowering for the woman. It's not that the guy wishes she were a man. Her gender is very much a part of it.

Strapping on a dildo for her husband to suck might be a bit weirder, but again assuming it's a submission/role reversal thing if the husband explain the psychological (rather than the physical) trigger for him she shouldn't be too threatened.

Edit - then again, separating the psychological and physical aspects is easier said then done.

I still think a "no" and automatic shut down isn't healthy or fair and both sides of a marriage should be working to find middle ground.

baby and crumble

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I've lost track of the amount of times I've found myself half-jarred, in the dark, struggling with strings, weird "hook and eye" fastenings and hold up-push-in-leave out bullsh1t paraphernalia, while shouting, "hang on a sec!!" and actually falling off shoes

As someone who has been in a committed relationship for nearly 10 years, this is SO EXACTLY TRUE I can't even. I once got kicked in the face when my GF attempted to illustrate a position we could try!

:pac::pac::pac:

To be fair, I think laughter is one of the biggest aphrodisiacs there is. Nothing sexier than than someone who can fall off shoes and laugh at themselves and keep going!!

alphamule

A lot of tribes encourage sleeping around. Maybe we as a species aren't really cut out for the one person thing!

ShaShaBear

Op, if you manage to coerce your wife into introducing another man into your sex life, have you thought about what you will do if you realise you prefer it to sex with your wife, or decide you want to sleep with a man regularly?

Are you going to leave her to explore a gay sex life? Or are you going to try and force her into maintaining threesomes with men? Or are you just going to continue seeing men behind her back and not only break her heart, shatter her self-confidence and give her trust issues, but also increase the possibility of her contracting an STI from you (which is probable from sleeping around with people of any sexual orientation or gender).

I have plenty of sexual fantasies, some of which myself and OH enact regularly and I absolutely love. The same for my partner. There are some that my partner is aware of, that we both will never act upon, because it was only ever meant to be something for me to privately enjoy. I would not consent to a threesome because there will always, ALWAYS be one person far more invested in it than someone else. Do you find a man you know well, who might tell everyone about what you did, or develop feelings for one of you and make you both uncomfortable regularly? Do you find a stranger and trust that their sexual and psychological health is sound and no harm will come to either of you?

The problem is definitely not what you are thinking about. It's what you are not thinking about.

alphamule

floggg wrote: »

I can see how it could, but only as a result of warped logic.

I think clear communication is needed for these things, but that's the case for exploring any fantasy.

Now it's complicated because the OP isn't really sure what the source of his feelings it desires are.

From what I understand about straight guys being pegged or even wanting to suck cock, it's a submission and role reversal thing rather than any sort of homosexual thing.

Certainly with pegging, I think part of the thrill is "submitting" to and being "doninated" by a woman.

In that sense it should be empowering for the woman. It's not that the guy wishes she were a man. Her gender is very much a part of it.

Strapping on a dildo for her husband to suck might be a bit weirder, but again assuming it's a submission/role reversal thing if the husband explain the psychological (rather than the physical) trigger for him she shouldn't be too threatened.

Edit - then again, separating the psychological and physical aspects is easier said then done.

I still think a "no" and automatic shut down isn't healthy or fair and both sides of a marriage should be working to find middle ground.

Sounds like you have found your way of breaking it to the wife that you are Very open minded! :pac:

Call me old fashioned but wanting to suck cock is completely homosexual. Obviously nothing wrong with that but lets be honest.

bodice ripper

I can't believe the wife is being condemned for not being willing to peg the husband.


No one thinks it might be unreasonable to ask this woman to put on a strap on and **** her husband in the ass so he can explore his fantasies about men, even though she doesn't want to? Being married carries obligations, but that is not one of them.

Also, what if in the future he decides this is not enough and leaves her to be with men? This whole strap on thing is going to make that more difficult for her.

PucaMama

bodice ripper wrote: »

I can't believe the wife is being condemned for not being willing to peg the husband.


No one thinks it might be unreasonable to ask this woman to put on a strap on and **** her husband in the ass so he can explore his fantasies about men, even though she doesn't want to? Being married carries obligations, but that is not one of them.

Also, what if in the future he decides this is not enough and leaves her to be with men? This whole strap on thing is going to make that more difficult for her.

i does seem that some posters see her being married to him means she is obliged to cater to his every sexual need or want

floggg

alphamule wrote: »

Sounds like you have found your way of breaking it to the wife that you are Very open minded! :pac:

Call me old fashioned but wanting to suck cock is completely homosexual. Obviously nothing wrong with that but lets be honest.

Your old fashioned.

And no, don't have a wife. Never will for that matter. Just have a healthy mature view on sex and relationships.

floggg

bodice ripper wrote: »

I can't believe the wife is being condemned for not being willing to peg the husband.


No one thinks it might be unreasonable to ask this woman to put on a strap on and **** her husband in the ass so he can explore his fantasies about men, even though she doesn't want to? Being married carries obligations, but that is not one of them.

Also, what if in the future he decides this is not enough and leaves her to be with men? This whole strap on thing is going to make that more difficult for her.

PucaMama wrote: »

i does seem that some posters see her being married to him means she is obliged to cater to his every sexual need or want

No, she isn't required to cater to every sexual need.

And she isn't being condemned for not being willing to peg him.

Any criticism is for the fact that her husband feels absolutely incapable of discussing this with her, that she refuses to consider any sort of experimentation and said flat out said no to a request to pegging.

She should be at least willing to consider and discuss.

I should say we don't really know the ins and outs so its not fair to comment either way.

But I think as a matter of principle the idea that if one spouse into something sexually the other should have to completely suppress that desire for life is just wrong and doesn't reflect a healthy approach to marriage.

As I said, if a monogamous relationship is to work, but sides need to work to try and reasonably accommodate each others sexual and emotional needs.

baby and crumble

PucaMama wrote: »

i does seem that some posters see her being married to him means she is obliged to cater to his every sexual need or want

I don't think anyone has said that tbh. I for one believe that a relationship is a partnership. In order for any partnership to be successful, then compromises must be made. I think it is incredibly unfair of one partner to basically control an aspect of that relationship, whether it be sex, money, or anything.

I would be saying the exact same to this guys wife, should she pop her nose in. I don't think people understand how horrible it is to feel completely shut down without any prospect of discussion around an element of your sexuality or desires.

What would you feel about a husband who flat out refuses to talk about the money problems in a relationship? People would say he was being unreasonable, right? The actual issue I see in this thread is communication, not sex.

alphamule

floggg wrote: »

Your old fashioned.

And no, don't have a wife. Never will for that matter. Just have a healthy mature view on sex and relationships.

I never criticised gay folk.

vbman

Thanks again for all the replies.
I don't agree that my wife is being unreasonable, although I suppose like someone said, if I refused to even talk about money or something like that, I would get it in the neck pretty quickly.

I think it's just gonna have to be one of those fantasies I try to keep hidden.

(unless a couple want to invite me to join them .. open to offers .. lol Only joking)

PucaMama

vbman wrote: »

Thanks again for all the replies.
I don't agree that my wife is being unreasonable, although I suppose like someone said, if I refused to even talk about money or something like that, I would get it in the neck pretty quickly.

I think it's just gonna have to be one of those fantasies I try to keep hidden.

(unless a couple want to invite me to join them .. open to offers .. lol Only joking)

saying no to a sex act just isnt the same as refuseing to talk about money problems.

vbman

I agree, PucaMama, No it's not. But refusing to talk about it is.

whatis12

Pucamama, your right it isnt but a lot of marriages have broken up and have fail and it been down not only to money but the lackness in their private life, now i'm not saying that any woman should do as the husband says but if asked there should be come consideration for it after all and i know this first hand , if a woman says no to sex they guy usually just puts it down to not feeling like it or time of the month or hormones but when a guy , and i have been there, says no , they can be accused from anything to not being interested/love with her to getting somewhere else, i dont know he asked or told her he wanted to try it but if she said a straight out no then and i mean then she is being inconsiderate to his feelings as much as he is to hers , but she said "no, not yet let me think about it" and then said no then he should leave her alone about the whole thing,and not be inconsiderate towards her feelings!

PucaMama

whatis12 wrote: »

Pucamama, your right it isnt but a lot of marriages have broken up and have fail and it been down not only to money but the lackness in their private life, now i'm not saying that any woman should do as the husband says but if asked there should be come consideration for it after all and i know this first hand , if a woman says no to sex they guy usually just puts it down to not feeling like it or time of the month or hormones but when a guy , and i have been there, says no , they can be accused from anything to not being interested/love with her to getting somewhere else, i dont know he asked or told her he wanted to try it but if she said a straight out no then and i mean then she is being inconsiderate to his feelings as much as he is to hers , but she said "no, not yet let me think about it" and then said no then he should leave her alone about the whole thing,and not be inconsiderate towards her feelings!

she has a right to not consent to it. a marriage/relationship should have more to it than that. if shes really not into it then she shouldnt be punished by loseing her relationship. its not on. what if for example it was the wife that wanted to experience sex with another man and the husband said no? would he be being inconsiderate? can you not see how this looks.

vbman

Yes of course it would be being inconsiderate if he said no straight away without at least discussing it a bit with her.