Being approached in the pub when you don't want to be

Hermione*

becost wrote: »

Yeah, it's like I always tell my friends, If a woman is interested in you, she'll give you a clear sign. I just hate it when you have no interest in her as women don't handle rejection very well.

Yellow121 wrote: »

Hey, I'm a man and I always get approached in the pub when I don't want to be. There I am chatting up all the ladies, one by one. They're hanging on my every word but then the bouncer comes over and throws me out.
What can I do about this unwanted attention? I think it's an anti man thing myself.

Mod:

As per the Charter, generalisations and whataboutery are not permitted in the forum. For definitions thereof, please see the Charter. Please acquaint yourselves with the Charter before posting again in tLL.

Hermione*

shleedance

Can I mansplain on this tirelessly even though it's none of my business?

Sorry, I wanted to use that word. I find it funny.

Wibbs

Sitebanned Troll posts excised.

Yellow121

I'm pretty sure that was a guy?

iwantmydinner

The direction this thread is taking is so unbelievably depressing.

dellas1979

Just had to post this...
About 2 weeks ago, a friend and I went away on a spa break. Was lovely! Had dinner went onto a pub.

We were there having a great chat, when this man started talking to her. She just has one of these heads that looks like shell be a nice person and listen to you. Now, I've no probs having general chit chat with people/banter especially if they are a bit o craic etc. But this guy, this guy started talking to her about his recent seperation and how hurt he was and how him and his wife just wanted different things...the head on me, I was fumin.

I just sat there and said nothing. Anyways, she turns to me and says "oh shall we move on?". I said yep. So, we moved towards the front of the bar. 10mins later, the guy starts walking past. 20mins later he decides to sit down again and restart his story...how he was finding it so hard blah blah blah. Now, I did have sympathy for him, but we didnt want to sit there listening to him.

After a couple of minutes, I said to him "ger/jim whatever your name is, I havent seen my friend for months and want to catch up with her, would you mind leaving" and he got up and left. As he was getting up to leave, he knocked over (accidentally) a table of drinks. The poor crater then pegged it out of the pub.

I did bring up with him in the conversation (trying to drop the hint) that just because 2 or a group of females are in a pub together, doesnt mean they are out to pull men. He couldnt get his head around that. He was like "well what do ye come here for then?". ahhhhhhhhh.

Hermione*

Mod:

Please avoid discussion of other forums.

Hermione*

Francesco

I find attention seeking women in heat can be very annoying when I'm just trying to have a few pints with the lads. Take the hint ladies, if I want some action I'll be doing the chatting up.

Banned

Jenneke87

Sometimes one cannot help but wonder what part of"The Ladies Lounge"some people do not get.....

Wibbs

Francesco takes a break for being a troll.

old hippy

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Sometimes one cannot help but wonder what part of"The Ladies Lounge"some people do not get.....

I find it ironic that someone can muscle in on a thread like this and come out with such asinine comments.

I wonder, do some males feel the need to "put women in their place" and where it stems from.

kylith

old hippy wrote: »

I find it ironic that someone can muscle in on a thread like this and come out with such asinine comments.

I wonder, do some males feel the need to "put women in their place" and where it stems from.

I think it's more of an attitude that we're making a fuss over nothing. Just the standard 'Women, eh? Always giving out about something; probably on the blob' that we often get. Because, you know, you don't have to accept that someone has a valid grievance when you can put it down to hormones and us being over-sensitive.

OnTheCouch

I posted in the thread on ladies being approached during the day (which unfortunately had to be closed because of trolls) about something similar to this phenomenon.

Now, I won't reproduce my entire post here, if anyone would like the full story they can go read it in the above thread. Essentially, it involved a friend and I meeting up in a pub for a catch-up and whatever we did, we could not escape the attentions of this drunk man, which was both irritating and intimidating, as he looked like the type of person who could get very nasty if provoked.

Anyway, the lesson I learnt from this story was that it must be extremely hard for women who are genuinely in the pub/bar to meet up with friends to get rid of men who won't take no for an answer, or even just to let them down gently. Previously I thought girls were being overly sensitive if they didn't want to talk. But that experience really made me realise how annoying/frightening it may get.

I suspect part of the problem is that for men, approaching strangers is a huge deal to them and something they have to really work themselves up to do. I think some of us may subconsciously expect a 'reward' for doing so if you like. Unfortunately, if this is not forthcoming, the man's pride is hurt and he may take it out on the unfortunate woman who didn't really deserve it.

Now I myself would try looking for non-verbal clues, if the girls look around the room for instance, they are probably more likely to welcome attention from strangers, as opposed to two ladies who are having an intense conversation between themselves. Of course if you take the approach as soon as you walk in a room method, than it's going to be difficult to do this. Plus there are a million grey areas, if you happen to be a woman's type physically she will probably be more open to talking as well.

So it's difficult to really provide a solution to this problem other than suggesting that if the women politely tell the men that they are out to talk to friends, that the men in turn accept this and say 'OK no worries, have a good night,' but this is may be being a little too optimistic on my part. Most people generally do not take rejection well, even if done politely.

Catari Jaguar

I usually go to rock bars & metal nights in nightclubs and though they are generally a sausage fest, the lads are usually out to listen to the music, headbang and have a few drinks. I am in a LTR, but a bit of a flirt and will approach a lad if he looks cool or fun, sure they'll chat about bands and stuff and will jump around with you but are usually very good to back off no questions asked. I very rarely get hit on in an abusive or sleazy way, maybe it's my attitude though. You could have a gang of lads circling you and your mates as you dance but again, they won't grope you or anything. I think the overall vibe is a lot safer and no one gets very, very messy.

You can tell the newbies or lads that aren't into that scene, they usually get ridiculously wasted, request Bruce Springsteen/Brian Adams, creep on women and have no boundaries, even stuff like looking for high 5s and trying to grab dance with you when you walk by. I tell them that if they don't fcuk off I will break their face. The regular rocker lads will look out for you (and each other) and bounce a drunkard out of there for being a pest and make sure you're alright.

I think it's the atmosphere of the place & type of person, as in, (don't kill me) maybe more country folk up to the Big Smoke socialising scene - i.e. anything goes in Flannery's, Coppers etc all the girls out for "the shift" and not adapting their behaviour to other bars.

jaffacakesyum

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

I usually go to rock bars & metal nights in nightclubs and though they are generally a sausage fest, the lads are usually out to listen to the music, headbang and have a few drinks. I am in a LTR, but a bit of a flirt and will approach a lad if he looks cool or fun, sure they'll chat about bands and stuff and will jump around with you but are usually very good to back off no questions asked. I very rarely get hit on in an abusive or sleazy way, maybe it's my attitude though. You could have a gang of lads circling you and your mates as you dance but again, they won't grope you or anything. I think the overall vibe is a lot safer and no one gets very, very messy.

You can tell the newbies or lads that aren't into that scene, they usually get ridiculously wasted, request Bruce Springsteen/Brian Adams, creep on women and have no boundaries, even stuff like looking for high 5s and trying to grab dance with you when you walk by. I tell them that if they don't fcuk off I will break their face. The regular rocker lads will look out for you (and each other) and bounce a drunkard out of there for being a pest and make sure you're alright.

I think it's the atmosphere of the place & type of person, as in, (don't kill me) maybe more country folk up to the Big Smoke socialising scene - i.e. anything goes in Flannery's, Coppers etc all the girls out for "the shift" and not adapting their behaviour to other bars.

+1 to this. My friend frequents rock bars and we had this discussion and she said she never gets hassled there and it's just a much nicer atmosphere.

But don't make the mistake of thinking this sort of stuff only goes on in Coppers/Flannerys. I've been hassled in pretty much any club in Dublin, bars less so (if it's a quiet old man pub) but busy bars on the weekend will be full of these assholes too.

Lyaiera

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

+1 to this. My friend frequents rock bars and we had this discussion and she said she never gets hassled there and it's just a much nicer atmosphere.

I remember saying this to American people I know and they could not believe it. They just refused to accept that rock and metal bars are really inclusive in comparison to other places. The language and insults are no-holds-barred but if you actually intend to offend someone or hurt someone the entire bar will go for your throat.

I think in part it's because of a difference in how rock and metal cultures developed in places. In some places it's being about extreme and aggressive but in other places its about being honest and true to yourself no matter what.

ash23

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

I think it's the atmosphere of the place & type of person, as in, (don't kill me) maybe more country folk up to the Big Smoke socialising scene - i.e. anything goes in Flannery's, Coppers etc all the girls out for "the shift" and not adapting their behaviour to other bars.

I think anyone who is out of their usual social scene usually tends to act like a d*ck. I see (being from the country) the Dublin lads down to Westport for stags or weekends away and they act like they are in a cattle mart and the women around them are for their amusement. Same goes for stags from other parts of the country aswell.

What goes on tour and all the BS and those of us unfortunate to live here well, it's just expected that we're there to spread our legs for the boys and make their weekend more memorable.

Yellow121

Can I just say about the rock and metal bars, I have never seen a fight at one. I'm not as sprightly as I used to be but I still love an aul headbang now and again. It's true that there are less women than men, far less but the attitude is like what was mentioned above.
The few women that attend nearly always join in the moshpit. Now I mighten't hit them with a shoulder as hard I would a hairy metler but apart from that they're treated the same as everyone.
There never violent moshpits, if you fall everyone helps you to your feet. When everyone's moshing it's easy to get a drink to get a rest, no long queues. The music is much better than that dance crap and you wont get hassled. What's not to like?

rainbowtrout

ash23 wrote: »

I think anyone who is out of their usual social scene usually tends to act like a d*ck. I see (being from the country) the Dublin lads down to Westport for stags or weekends away and they act like they are in a cattle mart and the women around them are for their amusement. Same goes for stags from other parts of the country aswell.

What goes on tour and all the BS and those of us unfortunate to live here well, it's just expected that we're there to spread our legs for the boys and make their weekend more memorable.

Totally agree, I live near Carrick on Shannon which has become hen/stag central in the last few years. They all think they are the first party that has ever descended on the town and that the locals are there to be hit on. We are so over it, in the popular pubs on a Saturday night there could be at least 5 hen/stage groups. It's a total pain in the arse.

Yellow121

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Totally agree, I live near Carrick on Shannon which has become hen/stag central in the last few years. They all think they are the first party that has ever descended on the town and that the locals are there to be hit on. We are so over it, in the popular pubs on a Saturday night there could be at least 5 hen/stage groups. It's a total pain in the arse.

I was told locals only go out on Sunday nights because all the hen/stag parties are gone home then.

Mc Kenzie

In My opinion, if you don't want a guy or girl to chat you up while your out to catch up with your friends, just make it clear from the start say your not interested or just ignore. No one is obliged to talk with the person trying it on.

I think being friendly and chatting only makes a person think that your happy to get to know them, to be fair, no ones a mind reader here!..

I think sometimes its flattering, just say thanks very much, but you have a boyfriend/husband and your not interested. Make it clear.

The thing that annoys me I that when I was single and my friends who had boyfriends, wanted to go out on a "girly night", and when we were approached by guys they used too "shoo" them away or move as far away from them as possible. Not thinking I might be interested or anything:rolleyes:. If I did chat to someone I was getting dagger looks, prob ruining the girls only night.

So my point is, just remember there might be one or two people on your girls night that my be happy to get a chance to be approached.;)

old hippy

Yellow121 wrote: »

Can I just say about the rock and metal bars, I have never seen a fight at one. I'm not as sprightly as I used to be but I still love an aul headbang now and again. It's true that there are less women than men, far less but the attitude is like what was mentioned above.
The few women that attend nearly always join in the moshpit. Now I mighten't hit them with a shoulder as hard I would a hairy metler but apart from that they're treated the same as everyone.
There never violent moshpits, if you fall everyone helps you to your feet. When everyone's moshing it's easy to get a drink to get a rest, no long queues. The music is much better than that dance crap and you wont get hassled. What's not to like?

I used to frequent Charlie's, The Glimmerman, Bartley Dunne's, Bruxelles (downstairs), Fibber's. The only aggro I observed was in Bartley Dunne's - not too long before it was closed down and re-opened, allegedly to facilitate a drugs raid. Hot summer day, doors wide open and a biker drove right in up to the bar and ordered a pint. He got a round of applause plus a sarky comment from someone about "fecking bikers" and then the chairs flew as well as the fists. I felt like I was sitting in a movie

Apologies. For the most part, people were sound but you did get the odd vibe. I think women were treated with respect in these bars, for the most part.

Mc Kenzie

Mc Kenzie wrote: »

In My opinion, if you don't want a guy or girl to chat you up while your out to catch up with your friends, just make it clear from the start say your not interested or just ignore. No one is obliged to talk with the person trying it on.

I think being friendly and chatting only makes a person think that your happy to get to know them, to be fair, no ones a mind reader here!..

That isn't the point of the thread. What's under discussion are those men who continue to pester women after being told their advances aren't welcome.

No one expects anyone to be a mind reader.

Mc Kenzie

I have not said that any one is or has, done this, but I was jut using it to make a point.

Well I am entitled to my own opinion, and Im commenting on the same situation, just from another perspective.:)

kylith

Mc Kenzie wrote: »

I have not said that any one is or has, done this, but I was jut using it to make a point.

Well I am entitled to my own opinion, and Im commenting on the same situation, just from another perspective.:)

We've had a guy commenting earlier in the thread about women telling him they're not interested as soon as he approached them when he only wanted the time. So if you tell them you're not interested as soon as they say hello you come across as presumptuous, rude, and possibly full of yourself for assuming they're a PUA, and offending someone who genuinely only wanted the time, if you don't then you run the risk of them thinking you're interested when you're only being polite. It's an impossible situation.

um7y1h83ge06nx

As we can see on this thread social interaction is a tricky thing.

Speaking as a man I don't mind being approached by women when I don't want to, haven't encountered any crazies yet. Strangely the older I get the more likely I get approached.

The last 2 nights I was out with a male friend we got approached. Had a good laugh, a bit of craic and we subtly dropped into the conversation that we were both in relationships. We were all still chatting for another 10-15 mins and they left us. All good, no hassle. We ended up both times laughing that it would never happen if we were single.

One night I remember being out and getting approached by a girl. She was with 2 male friends that were up at the bar. Myself and them were friendly taking the p*ss out of each other about some song they were singing. She then introduced herself and we got talking. Told her I had a girlfriend when the topic came up. She asked all about her and her job and then said she had a boyfriend but that they were fighting as he booked a lad's skiing holiday and told her 2 days before he left. I was sitting on a high stool and she starting moving in, pretty much standing between my legs. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, told my friend what was going on and trying to put her off. In the end she was still going at it when I came back so I asked for her number, said she should get back to her friends and I would text her later (just to get rid of her). Didn't bother me in the slightest although if we were alone and in private things could have got awkward, I wouldn't trust her at all.

Allison Steep Significant

Allison Steep Significant wrote: »

I came back so I asked for her number, said she should get back to her friends and I would text her later (just to get rid of it).

It?

um7y1h83ge06nx

Candie wrote: »

It?

Sh*t, must have been distracted I genuinely didn't mean to write that! Apologies everyone for any offence caused, I'll edit that.

buttonteaser

most of the time if there the really drunk type who try to dance there way over to you i pretend i dont hear them or see them